THE BIG WHEEL -- Big Brother Season 8

TUNA NEWS -- July 17, 2007

2007-07-17T10:30:00.001-04:00

Another day in ye olde Big Brother House. Despite the POV ceremony and the Joe being hoisted onto the block by his own petard (origin of phrase HERE) not a single chair went flying across the kitchen. But never fear intrepid readers, there is alway something mock-worthy to report, so let's get at it!

Kail Sucks Up
Kail gives Dani and lays it on like a thick slop bikini. Danielle is a trooper! Danielle won Veto twice! Danielle has been on slop for two weeks! Danielle overcame stuff and now look...she's happy!

I'd Like to Buy A Clue
Jen is a nanny to Vanna White's children, proving that to succeed you just have to be smarter than your charges. In this case, it's probably a horse race.

Stay Away From My Boyfriend
Jen claims that if you Google "Hot Bikini Model" she is the #2 answer. Well, she's not, but I believe I did find her HERE where my favorite part of the page is the list of things she enjoys, which include traveling, eating dessert, swimming, sleeping, talking, shopping, and trying new things. The TunaNews wonders if she would enjoy trying new things if those new things included any activity that was not self-centered.

Say What? Take One
Jessica starts talking about Chernobyl, GERMANY. The hamsters correct her and tell her it's not Germany, It's RUSSIA. Jessica doesn't believe them. GreenTuna sends Jessica a map and a fishnet radiation suit. Oh, and a curling iron.

Say What?? Take Two
Joe: Eric's votes are always based on logic because he's Jewish and of course he's smart.

Teach Your Children Well
As the current HoH, Jen isn't about revenge or, well, let's face it, even strategy. She is here to educate the leaders of tomorrow. She explains to Kail and Mike that more people wanted Zach to go than anybody else. Jen, however, has other plans. She wants to keep Zach and "teach him better" so people will like him.

25 or 6 to 4
Jameka breaks down the upcoming eviction vote: "It's going to be 2-to-8, 5-to-5 or 4-to-6.

Help Me, Joe-bi-Wan Kenobi
Danielle complains that Joe is putting pressure on her trying to get her vote, by telling her she is his only hope.

Great Expectations
Nick explains to Danielle his reason for being in the game. He says he doesn't want to win the money (GreenTuna: Then WHY ARE YOU THERE?). He wants to be seen as the noble lad who is going to look out for people. Being the noble lad that he is, he then proceeds to tell Danielle that he "fucking hates Jen" and when she talks he just wants to "shoot himself in the head." GreenTuna is not at all convinced that those are sanctioned activities in the Noble Lad Handbook.

Joe's Quick Tips On How Not to Win Friends and Influence The Vote
1. Half-assed chit-chat All I ask is for the house guest's honesty.
2. Non-believable deal making Even if you don't vote for me and I manage to stay, I'm not coming after you.
3. Blaming Others for your demise This is totally shitty. This would have been an entirely different game if you weren't here.
4. Misplaced Pity that isn't All I see is the sad little boy from two years ago.
5. Outright Name-calling You're a lonely old hag in a rocking chair.
6. And a cherry on top Enjoy the bitterness and disgust. You've become everything you despise.

Point-Counterpoint
Amber thinks that she and Dustin are just like Mike Boogie and Dr. Will.
Dick says, "I don't believe Will or Boogie cried for two days when they were put on the block.

TUNA NEWS -- July 16, 2007

2007-07-16T09:25:00.000-04:00

The staff here at The Tuna News pores over hundreds of hours of transcripts to bring you, the loyal readers, the raciest, juiciest, most awesome-riffic news available. People, this is the material I've been given to work with today:

Zach: I have never seen a bible with maps.
Mike: I like steak better, probably because I grew up in Wisconsin.
Amber: I don't wear makeup every day.
Nick: Are you gonna puke tonight?
Eric: I can spin one arm in one direction and the other in the opposite direction.
Mike: (blank stare)

That being said, there were a few nuggets of fun not-quite smothered in the mire of ennui (Greentuna: Hey, Good Band Name. Or Blog Title). It's short and sweet, but this is what we got:

When Math and Negotiations Collide
Joe and Jen discuss the upcoming POV meeting. Joe is pushing HARD for Jen to nominated Zach, but Jen isn't drinking the Zach Kool-Aid and the well-thought out debate continues:
Jen: Why would I put Zach up when everybody is going to put him up next week?
Joe: That is 150% not true.
Jen: 100% it's true.
Joe: 150% that's not true.
Jen: Why would I put up Zach when he's not going to put me up next week?
Joe: That is not true.

The Site is Called Word-A-Day. Subscribe
Mike: It's on the outskirts...
Amber: What does that mean? I hear that word all the time!

Introducing: Amber
Amber. Single mother from Las Vegas. Cries a lot. Reads the bible. God is her co-pilot. Doesn't know what "outskirts" means. What else do we know about Amber?

Fun On Dates
Amber and Mike have a pre-arranged "date night" in the backyard of the Big Brother House. Amber asks the usual get-to-know-you first date questions like "Do you like fruit?" "Do you like vegetables?" "Do you like chicken or steak?" (Steak. Mike is from Wisconsin. I know, I know. Make up your own answer here).

No, REALLY FUN on Dates
Moving to the next level, Amber decides to share some things about herself and leads off with: I was addicted to Meth for over a year and follows up with a rousing tale of The enema that didn't work to solve my 3-meal-a-Day fast-food habit and the doctor said don't worry, I only had a slight inflammation of the colon.

Best Comeback
Mike: (blank stare)

Enjoys Post-Date Delusions
Amber: OHMYGOD Dustin. Mike is TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH ME!
Dustin: ...................
Amber: I can just tell by the way he stares at me!

Again that "Best Comeback" Was
Mike: (blank stare)

Potent Quotables for $200
Amber: Even if I win, I will still shop at Target and Walmart.

Potent Quotables for $400
Dani: I'd like to punch Jen in the face.

Potent Quotables for $600
Amber: Jen, your body is perfect. There is nothing hanging out or anything.

Potent Quotables for $800
Amber: I got on speed because my dog had surgery.

Potent Quotables for $1000
Joe: I had to bleach my underwear to get the gonorrhea stains out.

Last Call. Thank God.
Mike: (monotone) Wow.....those are amazing stories.
Amber: (excitedly) Aren't they??!!!!!

TUNA NEWS -- July 13, 2007

2007-07-13T10:17:00.000-04:00

Friday the 13th unlucky? Not when there is a brand-spanking new copy of The Tuna News for you to peruse while you enjoy your morning bowl of slop. Last night Satan's army rallied and Jen was installed as the new ~~mouthpiece of the damned~~ HoH. What happened in the house overnight? Time to check the headlines.

Written in the Stars
Joe, Dani and Jessica (combined IQ ~72 degrees with 68% humidity) notice a plane circling overhead. They tell the plane "Drop some food!" and "Take Jen Away!"

Trading Spaces, or, Would You Rather Have Hay on the Wall?
Jen (are you surprised?) throws a hissy (yet?) about her HoH room. First of all, there are the pictures. THE PICTURES! THE CAPS-LOCK BOLD LEANED OVER PICTURES!!!!! She hates The Pictures. She is upset about The Pictures. She wishes The Pictures could be taken down. The problem with The Pictures? They are two years old. Which, incidentally, exceeds Jens age of maturity by about 18 months.

Best Comeback. Part 1
Dani: Jen was complaining her pictures were of family, not friends.
Dick: Jen was upset the pictures weren't of herself.

I Want an Oompah Loompah, and I Want it Now!
Jen (again) complaining (again) about ... PILLOWS! Big Brother did not give her Silk Pillows! The horrors! Next up? No wire hangers.

La-La-La-La-La-LA I Can't Hear You!!
Dustin, Jameka and Amber talk about the possibilities for the upcoming nominations. Amber thinks she is going up again. Jameka thinks it will be two guys. Dustin thinks it might be Dustin. Amber says if it is (Dustin) she'll fight hard for him. She adds, "I told you I prayed to God today for 30 minutes!!"
(ETA: VOLCANO!!)
(ETAAgain: Now, does this mean she prayed for 30 minutes, or she told him for 30 minutes. Kind of makes a difference to the Almighty)

While We're Down On Our Knees...
Jameka is getting hot Hot HOT about Zack, and not in a good way. She tells Dani, "Zack's got one more time to come out his mouth wrong to me...and that's all I got to say about it...he got one more time...so help me God I will...I'm gonna pray about it. Not gonna let my mouth get me in trouble."

She Blinded Me With Science!
To put it delicately, Jameka is suffering through some intestinal difficulties. First she announces she is skipping ice cream tonight to see if she gets smelly gas. She'd like to rule it out as the cause. Later she announces, "One thing is official. I don't have gas tonight and I'm about to have pizza. We'll see what happens!

Best Comeback. Part 2
Joe: It's nice to have new stuff to talk about.

Seeya, Wouldn't Wanna Beeya
Jessica: I didn't hug Carol. I didn't want to.
Dustin: It's nice not to have that Negative Nancy Raincloud walking room to room.

Strategy with a Dick
Dick and Nick are sure Dick will be put on the block. Nick also worries that he is a target because of last week's Kissgate incident. Of course, Dick isn't winning any friends by not going to Jen's HoH room (but you know, there was no silk pillow and then there were The PICTURES). Dick says he is going to try to make a deal with Jen, but that it will be a lie. Later on, Dick and Dustin talk about nominations. Dustin warns Dick not to make Jen mad because she does nominations based on the way someone treats her. Dick says Jen wants to play for attention. He says she was following him around until he told her she's an inconsiderate bitch and he wasn't going to change his mind and kiss her ass. Oh yeah, that will keep you off the block for sure.

One is the Loneliest Number
12:32am Jen announces, "We can start making deals now in the HoH room!"
12:43am Jen is back in the backyard because nobody came up to HoH to "take a meeting."

Someone's in the Kitchen With...Where's Dinah?
Jameka: Who burnt the popcorn?
Dani: It must have been a brunette
Jessica: They're soooo dull!
Dani: Jameka, did they tell you to come in and clean the sink window?
Jameka: Obviously. Yeah, just call me Florence from the Jefferson.

They Said It, But I'm Not Explaining It
Nick: George Clooney is handsome.
Jessica: Asians don't wear white.
Dustin: No one knows how Jen got cast!
Eric: All I can say is the Execs are smiling. This is going to be a great week of TV.

Final Thoughts from Biggus Dickus
Going: The best thing for me would be if she drowned in that bathtub before nominations.
Going: After the nominations I am going to say, "Jen, I expected you to put me up. You are a bitch! The rest of you can eat me."
Gone: (to the cameras) And that's the end of The Dick at Night Show. Don't worry, we'll be right back!

Tuna News -- July 6th, 2007

2007-07-06T09:47:00.001-04:00

It's SEASON EIGHT at the Big Brother House, and already the House Guests are proving to be the predictable, annoying hamsters that they are. Although they've been in the house for five days, the feeds did not go live until midnight EDT, but have no fear, there was still plenty of idiocy to report. Here are the headlines:

Introducing Dick
He likes to be called EvelDick. Yes, Evel with an "E" as in Knievel. I don't know why because he is neither Evel nor Evil. What he is is a whopping case of ADD, and HEY, AN APPLE! So far, it seems ADDick hasn't slept, so we get lots of incoherent ramblings, and wacky hijinks (like, for example, THIS). Dick is the father to Danielle (poor kid) and they are one of the rivals - enemies - people with unfinished business pairs in the house.

Introducing Joe and Dustin
Joe and Dustin are another set of enemies in the form of ex-boyfriends. Although Joe entered the house with the original 11, it has becoming quickly apparent that the hamsters prefer Dustin to Joe, despite the fact that Dustin is a know-it-all blowhard and Joe is a bitter flaming ex.

Introducing Carol and Amber
Otherwise known as, the first two nominees for eviction. Amber is a single mother who is evidently well-liked in the house. Carol is another hamster involved in the "twist" but her story is so lame its laughable. She is paired with her nemesis, Jessica. They were HIGH SCHOOL RIVALS. Are you feeling the gravity of the issue? THEY DIDN'T SPEAK TO EACH OTHER IN HIGH SCHOOL. OHMYGAWD! Oh, and there is some issue about somebody not paying somebody $5 they owed. Five Dollars. It's not exactly Springer-Worthy material here, folks.

The Power of Conviction In Regards to the Eviction
Nominated for eviction, Carol worries about what kind of impression she gave to the other house guests. She tells Dustin she feels badly that other hamsters thought she didn't want to stay in the house. "And I didn't want to!" She whines. "I mean, for a good hour!"

It's All About Sacrifice, Baby
Carol recites a laundry list of things she gave up to come to the Big Brother House. She gave up education. She gave up graduation. She gave up her boyfriend. Maybe. She gave up dancing or cheering or whatever she does at college, and BOY HOWDY were they mad! They made her write a letter! The list goes on and on and includes french fries, candy and meat on Friday. She's probably also now lactose intolerant and blind in one eye. All for the love of the game.

Bring on the Chess Analogies
Dustin, ever eager to lecture strategy to others, tells Carol that Zach is "playing his own game" and he's "setting up his own pieces." Dustin tells Carol, "It's whether you want to be a part of his chess board or not."

Maybe It's NOT About the Money After All?
Carol reveals her true reasons for wanting to stay in the house, saying, "I can't go yet. I have too many cute clothes to wear!!"

Over Achiver
Amber talks about the testing process for Big Brother. She says the test administrator told her that in 16 years she had never seen anyone so loyal, honest and trustworthy. She called her a "truly unique individual". Sadly, the test administrator was probably a pathological liar, because just about any dog from the pound will fit the above description.

Speaking of Idiot Interviewers
Joe admits that he was tipped off about Dustin being in the house. Erik admits that they called him the wrong name.

Another Serving of Waffles for M'Lady?
Carol tells Dustin that she can't compete against Amber in a deceitful way. She explains, "I cannot be conniving about it. I can't. I can't do it." Then she adds, "At least not yet." Oh, that last sentence will get you every time.

Songs You CAN Sing in the Big Brother House
The Slop Song (Jameka)
The "Now All of America Knows I Have Gonorrhea" Song (Joe)
Additional "Cha-Cha-Chas" for above (Jessica)

Songs You CANNOT Sing in the Big Brother House
Jesus Songs (Carol, Jameka, Kail)
Whistling Songs (ADDick)

And He's Bi-Polar, Too!
Dick the tenderhearted has a mini-meltdown about his estranged daughter and fellow hamster, Danni. He says, "Danielle is Alice. She always wanted to be Alice and now she is. How weird is that? How weird and sad is it that I can still miss my daughter and she is right here?" Then Dick the jerkwad then blows his nose in his shirt and says, "Gross, huh? I don't give a f***. Never do."

But That's Why You're Here!
Day five and the house is already falling apart. Not the house guests, the actual house! Dick discovers the HoH doorbell (no longer attached to the wall) and takes it downstairs. He plots a punking of the HoH room by ringing the doorbell from hidden locations (next up: "Is your refrigerator running?" and "Prince Albert in a Can"). Not surprisingly (to everyone but Dick) Big Brother tells Dick to take the doorbell to the storage room. Dick complains that they always take his fun away. He says, "I'm always getting in trouble. It's just like living with my mother."

Parting Words
Dick: I wonder if ten cartons of cigarettes was enough.

Tuna News, July 10, 2006

2006-07-10T14:54:00.000-04:00

It was a weekend short of strategy and long on one-liners. It was a weekend of kickball and boobies (with Howie in the house, when is it not a season of boobies?). What was news over the weekend in the Big Brother House? Check it out!

Because He was all out of Cheeze-Nips
Chicken George who doesn't seem to know anything about anything asks James about the six finger plan. After not understanding several times, James tries again, this time using gym equipment as houseguests. Sadly, it didn't help.

It's Good to have a Plan
Marcellas gets up and says, "This day is about a nap, a shower, waffles at 4:00, another nap and trash talk in the Diary Room."

You Gotta Have Game
Diane, who is not-so-subtly campaigning to keep Ali in the house goes to chat with Chicken George. She asks him who he's going to vote for, and he says he doesn't know. Diane tells him he needs to start thinking about these things. She asks if he's talked to anybody yet, and he said no, he was just listening, and only barely. Diane asks him if he's playing the listening game. George says yeah, until he figures out what he's doing. Diane says she thinks he already knows what he's doing, and if he's playing the no-playing game, well, that's going to get him in trouble too.

All-Star Lingo
"Amber Alert" -- Those who play "under the radar". Taken from Survivor All Star's Amber, who did absolutely nothing, and then won the million.
"Kaysar Clause" -- People who get voted off, kicked out or otherwise removed, only to be returned to the game by sudden rule shifts.

What's in a Name?
The naming of the tarantulas continues. The little one is Cowboy, the big one is Monica, the cute one is Lisa and the hairiest one is Bunky.

Touchy-Feely
Marcellas offers up a unique Big Brother strategy. His plan was to target the first person to touch a bible and the first person to touch a pan. The logic (if one could call it that ) would be that it would be best to take out the moral bible thumper and whomever wanted to be head cook. He said those are two strategies that make it to the end.

Point/Counterpoint
Howie: "I want to stay as close to you as possible to get the most airtime."
Will: "There is nothing wrong with being an understudy."

Janelle: "How many calories do you think the fried taco is?"
Chicken George: "Do I look like a man that counts calories??"

Howie: "I love this! It takes me back to second grade!"
James: "What, two weeks ago?"

Diane: (Playing kickball) "I'm just an easy out."
Howie: "The easy part sounds good, Diane."

Howie: "Get me a waffle, William"
Will: "I'll put your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies."
Howie: "This guy's got a line for everything...but you'd be funnier with a tan...or any pigmentation at all."

James: "Marcellas, it's one o'clock in the morning and you're still looking great. It must be great to be you."
Marcellas: "You only say that because you know I love it."

Picky, Picky, Picky
It isn't even Peanut Butter Jelly Time (with a baseball bat!) and the hamsters are already complaining about the food. Marcellas comes out the storeroom complaining, "Why do they have to buy cheap cookies? Like, this is almost Chip Ahoy, but not quite. If you squint, you'd think it was."

Strategy Number One - Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie
Janelle and Erika talk strategy, and Erika tells Janelle that everybody fears the number advantage of season six. Janelle asks, "Outnumbered? Really? Do you think they're gonna come after us? Did you hear something?" Erika answers, "Absolutely not."

Strategy Number Two - Have an Alliance. Have Two.
Howie advises Mike Boogie on making it to the end. He says, "If you're in the finale three, forget Will -- throw him under the bus." How says, "I have seven alliances. One of them has to be good and get me through." Never allowing a minute to pass without the chance to one-up others, James says, "I have fourteen alliances."

Strategy Number Three - Conspiracy Target
Poor Chicken George. Nobody, NOBODY trusts this guy. Mike Boogie doesn't buy his act, but he doesn't want to get rid of him because he cooks and cleans. Janelle says he (George) reminds her of a hedgehog. Marcellas says, "George knows everything. He knows your mama's name. He knows it all." Danielle doesn't trust him and wants to call him out, but first she corners him in the storeroom to make sure she has his vote. Dr. Will suffers from extreme frustration, saying, "Who is going to bond with George? I am trying, but I can't." Howie summed it up best, saying, "Chicken George can't tell me he didn't watch Big Brother Six. George Bush watched Big Brother Six!"

Strategy Number Four - Bargaining Chip
It's always good to have a little something to give you leverage when you're fighting for power in the Big Brother House. James offers nude pictures of Sara if they throw the HoH competition for him.

The Downside of Exercise
Will, Boogie and Ali do a couple of Pilates sessions with Erika. After a particularly grueling workout, Will said, "Well, the four of us are now nice and flexible, while the other ten are in the house forming an alliance."

Potent Quotables
Kaysar: "In my season, HoH questions were pretty straightforward. You just had to be paying attention. Anybody could get them right...even Howie."
Will: "Maggie (BB6) wasn't asked to be an All Star. If you were hated for being boring rather than evil, they didn't ask you to come back."
Howie: "American, thanks for voting Erika back, she's got a great rack!"
Janelle: "Howie, why do you keep repeating things from last season? It's annoying. I'm serious!"
Marcellas: "Someone give me a needle and thread so I can sew my mouth shut!"
Nakomis: "People always under-estimate me. They just see the blue-haired girl."
Howie: "If you nominate me for a strategic reason, Okay. But if it's personal like you don't like my socks, I will destroy you."

Parting Shots
Will: "Howie, everyone else might think you're a weird sack of shit, but you're alright to me."

Tuna News, July 7, 2006

2006-07-07T10:03:00.000-04:00

Nothing like starting off the Tuna News 2006 edition and having Blogger eat the entire post, destroying an hour of work. No matter -- it's Friday, it's Big Brother All Stars and it's AWN (tm Monica, even though she didn't make it in the house). What happened overnight? Plotting and bitching and drinking ... oh my! Let's roll up our sleeves and get going, shall we?

Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer
If it's Big Brother then there has to be a twist. Always the bright boy, James says the twist of Big Brother Seven is that Will and James are automatically nominated every week.

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
Already nominated for eviction, Ali worries that she doesn't know how much campaigning has been going on. Diane tells her, "I don't think that much. You're not the target."

Arachnophobia
The pets this year? Not fish. Not pigs. Not mechanical dogs. It's tarantulas! James wonders if they should name them Eric, Maggie and Beau.

Is There a Doctor in the House?
Dr. Will says he likes being a specialist because then he doesn't have to know other stuff. He don't know nothing about problems with body parts, but if someone needs Botox, he's their man!

Point-Counterpoint
Will: Howie is like Mike Tyson jacked up on roofies.
James: Mike Tyson's smarter.

Ali: Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations!
Howie: Do you even know how to spell that??

Will: After the show we'll all have a big party. You should see us in normal life.
Howie: Come to Howiegordon.com
Will: I thought your website was clownpenis.fart

And a Wee Bit of Strategerie
Ali and James talk in the bathroom. James tells Ali she is one of the two most feared players in BB history right now. Ali says maybe three years ago. She says now she is old school. GreenTuna wonders if that is code for has-been.

Nakomis and Diane talk about Ali's stupidity and that she played too hard too fast. Diane then rambles on, saying, "We know we can't trust her! Everybody is scared! What's the game plan? Do we even have one??"

Meanwhile, Marcellas is worried about Chicken George ... And Boogie ... and Dr. Will ... and ...

And a Wee Bit of Flirterie
Erika and Kaysar spend a huge chunk of time at the pool table. Kaysar says he and Erika are boring. Erika tells him, "we're the sane ones in the asylum." Then Erika pumps Kaysar for information about what girls he likes. Kaysar says attraction is important, but personality is most important. Erika says, "OK, I'll marry you." Kaysar says, "I thought you'd never ask."

Show Me The Money
The houseguests reminisce over BB4, when Lori won $10k on the first night and then was evicted immediately thereafter. Diane says, "Lori loves money. It wouldn't matter how much it was, she would have taken it and left." Marcellas says, "Cowboy would have taken it, and if he didn't April (his wife) would have eaten him."

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
With only two beers apiece, Howie offers to buy more alcohol if it's a budget issue.
98 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
James worries about drinking with a possible veto competition tomorrow. Diane yells, "Nerd Alert!"
97 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Dr. Will suggests they all go silent so Big Brother will give them beer. Big Brother examines his butt for flying monkeys.
96 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Firing a direct shot across the bow, Dr. Will says, "I don't want people to get drunk and talk about Star Wars."

Parting Shots
Jase: Cowboy was all heart, but no brain.
Kaysar: Chicken George, Evil Dr. Will, Howie the Jedi ... It's like we're washed up Superheroes.
Will: If you want skin like Howie, use everything but the good stuff. Howie's skin is like an old leather shoe.
Marcellas: Janelle and Danielle both have fake boobs. If they want to do the Slip 'n Slide, this could end very badly!
Howie: The Nerd Herd can kiss my ass ... I know you're watching!
Marcellas: I'm charmed by Boogie, but not enough to have a conversation.
Will: The girls on my season were like Hungarian goat wrestlers.
Marcellas: I hate it when Big Brother wants you to be all slow and dramatic when you pull out the keys, when all you wanna be is like, "Bitch!"
Will: Erika in a bikini at midnight ... I love this show!

Tuna News Sneak Preview, July 6, 2006

2006-07-06T15:59:00.000-04:00

After both hell and high water, the presses are ready to roll once again. Big Brother 7 - All Stars debuts tonight, and after the sort-of live show (except, ahem, all the parts that aren't) it's time to fire up those 24 hour feeds and get ready for 3 months of butt numbing excitement.

For the sake of those who wish not to be spoiled, we shall not get into the hour-long audio oopsie that happened on Tuesday, essentially giving away who is in the house, and the first big twist. For the time being, we'll just play along and pretend that we don't know what's going on yet.

There's less than 4 hours to go.
Are you ready?
I am.

TUNA NEWS -- SPECIAL EDITION

2005-08-04T10:45:00.000-04:00

In case you wondered what the hell has happened, the Tuna Presses are currently underwater. Attempts are underway to correct the situation, and the hope is that printing might resume by the weekend. After that point, there will be a concerted effort to catch up with editions previously missed, for the sake of history, if nothing else.

In the meantime, go out and play.

TUNA NEWS -- SHORT EDITION -- JULY 22, 2005

2005-07-22T06:30:00.000-04:00

The staff of The Tuna News is headed off for Roller Coaster Country today, which, after last night's eviction and HoH competition, seems only appropriate.

Just the Headlines:

Michael Out!
Kaysar wins HoH!
Houseguests Scramble!
James Lies 20 Billion Times in a Row to Kaysar's Face!
Howie Says "Boobies!"

News at 11.

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 21, 2005

2005-07-21T10:27:00.000-04:00

It's eviction day in the BB house, and Michael, well, thanks for the drama. Once the votes were cast yesterday the plotting began in earnest for the upcoming week. Who said what?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT BEAU
Eric: Did the fairy cleaning people come last night?
Eric woke up to find a spotless house that Kaysar and Howie cleaned the night before. Rachel wonders if there was maid service. When the girls compliment Howie on the spotless house, Howie gives credit to Kaysar, saying he lives in a palace and has lots of maids. Howie says Kaysar picked up his spotless cleaning habits by watching them.

SPEAKING OF CLEANING
Jennifer admits to James that she is "not a big fan" of the Gold Room (where Michael, Janelle, Kaysar and Howie tend to hang out). Jennifer says, "It's so sad. It's tainted now." James tells her "We will wash everything down."

AND A BIT OF SWEEPING
Kaysar speaks to Eric about the vote, telling him it "won't be a sweep." Kaysar says, "I don't think anyone should be swept. It's a hurtful feeling, and that's all I'm going to say."

LEADING BY UNDERSTANDING
Eric admits to Rachel that he's surprised about his friendship with Beau. He says he never expected he could be friends with "someone like Beau" (GAY!!) and how he was able to come into the house and put all his differences and opinions aside (except when he can't put all his differences and opinions asides and lets his fists do the talking). Eric says he has actually come to like Beau as a friend. Kum-ba-Yah!

LEADING BY LYING
The Hamsters get their booze. Eric, the upstanding lead-by-example leader that he is wasn't going to tell "the outcasts" (Michael and Janelle, specifically, since Kaysar doesn't drink). BB called him and said he had to tell them.

WAS THAT PART OF THE FOOD COMPETITION?
Rachel says her breakfast tastes like an elephant ear.

ASTUTE OBSERVATIONS
Kaysar: (on eyebrow plucking) "After the redness goes away...and the bleeding stops, it will look great!"
April: "They've got new fish!"
Sarah: Look at the fish! Howie: Look at the fish's boobies!

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?
If you're April, the answer is no. She tells the entire Lemming Alliance up in the HoH room that she and Jennifer were in the same sorority.

LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 1
Howie whispers to Rachel (his secret partner) and tells her, "It doesn't matter who are couples, it matters who is strong. James is the strongest player in this game. We've got to get him out of here. Once James is gone, there is nothing to stop us. It makes it that much easier. The people power, they are not strong competitors -- they just have vote power.

LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 2
After Janelle and Michael and Kaysar admit and name their secret partners, they approach Howie. Janelle asks Howie over and over and over again if he knows anybody in the house.
Janelle: Howie, do you know anyone in this house?
Howie: You guys.
Janelle: I meant, did you know anyone before you came here?
Howie: I've seen Ashlea in Florida. I recognize her boobies!
Janelle: Have you been offered extra money to bring anyone in the house?
Howie: I'm sorry I have to tell you ..... NO!
Janelle: Are you sure?
Howie: I think so. I'm supposed to know someone? Like is someone my step-sister or something?

LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 3
Howie tells Kaysar it doesn't make sense to put up both April and Jennifer. He says nobody would care. Howie tells him to put one person from two different pairings up to break everything wide open. Kaysar asks about the logic of putting up Eric and James. Howie says it's good, because they can't defend each other at the competition. Howie tells Kaysar, "Janelle is tough. You underestimate her...." Kaysar replies, "Why do you think I have her close to me?"

LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 4
Howie explains his feelings of uneasiness in the house. Howie says, "I asked them (the Lemming alliance) if I am ok, and they said 'you're OK for a couple of weeks.' So am I going to wait a couple of weeks to worry about it? I'm like, 'yeah, you guys got a couple weeks...till tomorrow!"

STRATEGERIE - HOWIE STYLE
Janelle: All the girls are uncomfortable with me except for Rachel.
Kaysar: ...Because they have guilty consciences.
Howie: They judge you because of your boobies.
Kaysar: We are trying to have a serious conversation and you keep chiming in with boobies.
Howie: That's why they hate you! Your boobies!

Janelle: I can't believe April and Jennifer know each other! They're so annoying.
Howie: Do you think they're lesbos?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Jennifer: I had a dream that I signed up for the farting competition!
Howie: (To Eric) How many kids can say their dad got into a fight on national TV?
Howie: There's doctors, lawyers, and perverts. And then there's fat asses and I'm one of them!
Janelle: Howie, we are friends. I don't think we'll ever be lovers. Howie: Not even for 30 seconds??

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 20, 2005

2005-07-20T10:17:00.000-04:00

Tuesdays in the BB House are days of super-boredom. No competitions, no voting, no nothing. So, if there isn't a brawl, then there isn't that much to talk about. Still in all, a few tidbits did manage to swim by for your reading enjoyment.

CALLING MRS. BUTTERWORTH
Rachel makes pancakes, or at least, tries to make pancakes. Her first attempt was a Mickey Mouse pancake, but the ears were deformed. She made another pancake and claimed it was a ghost because it "had a tail." Then she attempted a cactus-shaped pancake but put too much batter in the pan causing it to run together. Eric says, "It looks like a cactus ... or Gumby.

SHADES OF GRAY
The unified boot-Michael-out front isn't quite as unified as you might think. Rachel and James talk, and James admits he'd rather vote for Janelle, thinking her to be far more dangerous. But James admits that it would be foolish to go against the entire house, saying, "I think if it comes back to bite me, I'll be the one sitting in the Principal's Office." He admits that Eric doesn't want to hear of anybody doing anything other than voting for Michael, and he and Rachel both agree that Michael wasn't at fault in the fight with Eric and that Eric was out of line.

PHILOSOPHY OF FALSEHOODS
Maggie, James and Sarah discuss James' (fictitious) job teaching 9th grade philosophy. Maggie says, "I didn't know they had Philosophy in Grade 9. James covers by saying, "It's for gifted kids."

INTRODUCING: MAGGIE
Maggie, the Emergency Room Nurse, and Eric's sometimes not-so-secret partner plays a fairly quiet game. (She is so quiet, in fact, the only quote The Tuna News could dig up on Maggie from yesterday was, 'I Smell.'). Ivette, however, has no use for Maggie whatsoever. Ivette is gunning for Maggie to be nominated, and Eric attempts to diffuse the situation. Later Ivette tells Beau that she thinks Maggie is "butch." Ivette says Maggie always wants information but never shares. Ivette HATES that! Ivette also expresses her distrust of Maggie to James. James says, "Don't say that in front of Eric. Just get off the subject for a few weeks until I do my research."

ALTERNATE STRATEGIES: THE NOT GAY GAY GUY
James says, "I realize I should have come into the house as a gay man." Howie agrees, saying, "Yah, you could have touched all the boobies." James says, "The first few days, when everyone thought I was gay, I should have run with it." In case James didn't hear the first time, Howie says (again), "You could have been touching all the boobies...."

ALTERNATE STRATEGIES: THE PEEING PUPPY
The Tuna News has decided that Howie is employing the "Peeing Puppy" strategy. Say you get a new puppy and the puppy pees all over the house. "Bad Puppy!" You cry. You smack the puppy's nose but then cuddle it because it's so damn cute, and well...it's a PUPPY! Who can hate a PUPPY? That is Howie.

HOWIEISMS
Howie: (Seeing Rachel lying on her stomach on the bed) "That is one of my favorite positions. So if the girl isn't that cute, you don't have to look at her..."
Howie: "I'm used to being in the boobie zone. When I'm not in the boobie zone, I feel uncomfortable."
Howie: (To Michael) "You have amazing willpower. If I had that buxom blonde next to me, I would have sucked her teeth out by now."
Howie: "Sarah, those are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boobies."

THEY SAID IT
BB: "Ivette, please put on your mic." Ivette: Does it NOT look like I have it on? GAWD!"
James: "Howie, Your website probably has a big question mark on it. It's just like WTF??"
Ivette: "I really hope that God shines down on me and helps me beat Janelle."

THE HOWIE AND KAYSAR SHOW
Howie: Kaysar, you're one of the best looking guys in the house. Definitely top 6!
Kaysar: Do we even HAVE six guys?
Howie: I think so!

Howie: Kaysar, I didn't grab at you last night, did I?
Kaysar: No, but you snorted in my ears!

LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Eric is more than a little unhappy (approximately three sardine sandwiches worth) that BB has refused to give them alcohol since their drunken brawl over the weekend. He talks to BB and tries to trade alcohol for another food group (that they won in the food competition). BB says no, but says, "You're always thinking!"

NOBODY SAID BB WAS EASY
The Houseguests, particularly Ivette, declare that there will be NO sex talk for the next 48 hours. Someone says, "Howie is probably crying by now." Howie says he wants to nominated anyone who voted for this idea. Finally Howie tells Beau, "This is BB6! We'll talk about whatever we want! If I don't get any boobies, I'm gonna TALK about them!"

HOWIE ON HOWIE
"Howie the funny guy...Howie the disgusting guy...Howie the philanthropist...Howie the tyrant. You know, everyone's got their mixed emotions, opinions and variations and they're entitled to it. I don't care what Bob Lee in Southern Alabama thinks of me, not what Jerry Feinberg in the Boston area thinks of me, not what Billy Bob in Utah or North Dakota thinks of me. You think I give a rat's behind what some religious, moral, ethical family in the middle, southern and northern thinks of me? I'll never meet them!

JANELLE ON BEAU
Beau: You and I are like two sisters.
Janelle: We're like two little princesses.

MICHAEL ON EVERYONE
Since he's leaving soon, better give him some press while we still can. Michael offers Janelle his rundown on all the Hamsters
on SARAH: Comes from a normal family. Suburban lifestyle. Probably some junior college. Very independent, yet extraordinarily indecisive.
on BEAU: Tries to sound more worldly than he is. Loves being gay and flaunts it. Sneaky, but means well. Really likes superficial friendships.
on IVETTE: Feels her family has been targets all her life. Comes from a troubled background. Has a strong resentment and jealousy towards other. She believes she is strong, but is very weak.
on ERIC: He struggled his whole life for being little. Took steroids to feel better. Looks for any type of comfort zone and security from people, which is why he became a firefighter. Cannot think for himself.
on JAMES: Raised in a stern family. Strict parents, no love. Feels as if he's fought for opinions. He knows a bunch of useless information to back up his "facts." Sore loser.
on MAGGIE: Goodhearted. Blessed background. Strong and secure. Astute, bright and sweet. Likes to help people.
on RACHEL: Book smart. Sharp. Good reader. Outdoorsy person. Lonely with few friends. Not a risk-taker.
on APRIL: She likes to say she is a "good girl" but is really a nympho. She is jealous if she is not the center of attention. She is quick to reprimand others. Bitter.
on JENNIFER: Extremely insecure. Untrustworthy. Meandering through life with no direction. Hoping for a Prince Charming, but will settle for anyone. Probably some psychological disorders in the family.
on KAYSAR: Probably the brightest person in the house. Strong set of morals and values. Truthful and trustworthy.
on HOWIE: Has no shame. Mischievous child. Personality shows what a great guy he is. Loves life and is never truly unhappy.
on JANELLE: Has always been beautiful. She knows how to control people and uses beauty, although she is very bright even without looks. Never stays in one occupation more than a year.
on MICHAEL: Tremendous temper. Has the ability to grow. Extremely unusual childhood. Always searching to improve himself. Knows everybody, but is alone in the world.

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 19, 2005

2005-07-19T10:01:00.000-04:00

The fight is over, hands have been shaken and the houseguests now spend their days making peace-sign tie-dyed shirts and singing Kum-bah-Yah, right?
BB: NO SINGING
Exactly. So what have they been up to since they were told to take their maturity level "up a notch?"

LOOKING DOWN THE ROAD
Now that the eviction of Michael is all but guaranteed (James using Veto? Are you on crack?), the hamsters start counting unhatched chickens and worrying who will be going next.
Eric: There is some discussion of Jennifer
Sarah: I like Rachel, but she makes me nervous.
Eric: Kaysar is playing every side of the fence.
Maggie: James is a tough player. I should put him up against someone they (the house loves, and make sure he goes.
Jennifer: I heard that certain people are going to nominate me and Sarah.
James: April is a nut case.

MICHAEL WATCH, DAY 3
Eric: I don't think Mike is a bad person.
Sarah: I do!
Eric: Ever since "the incident" Michael hasn't given out the "stink eye."

YOU NEVER GET A 2ND CHANCE TO MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION
Eric tells the Lemming Alliance that he got a second chance from BB to stay in the game, because others said they would leave if Eric was kicked out.

COURTESY OF THE T.M.I. DEPARTMENT
James: If Janelle was a doctor, she would have real plastic surgery, not her $13 boob job.
Jennifer's left nipple "doesn't work."

THAT'S KLASS WITH A "K"
Rachel and Kaysar speculate the configuration of the large bedroom and the subway doors. James thinks that as hamsters are evicted, BB will pull the wall forward and open the doors. Kaysar asks, "You think they will move the whole wall?" James says sure, it's a set. They can do whatever they want. Rachel says maybe it will be a bowling alley or a disco hall.

LOVE, TRUE LOVE - TAKE ONE
Howie proposes to Jennifer. He says, "You get another triple major, I'll be on TV everyday as a weatherman! Jennifer says, "You'll dump me when I turn 40!" Howie says, "Of course! When you're 40, I'll trade you in for 2-twenties!"

LOVE, TRUE LOVE - TAKE TWO
Janelle goes to the diary room to ...... break up with her boyfriend. Why? She says, "He's very smart, very successful, very nice. He's too nice. He's too perfect. I want someone like me." She says she did 4 takes in the DR to tape the message because she wanted it to be sincere. When she finishes telling this story, she says, "What a GREAT DAY!"

TRUE LOVE, TRUE CONFESSIONS
Ivette admits to April that she has a girlfriend at home, not a boyfriend. April seems very excited and says, "Thank you for telling me!!" Then she says, "There is a reason why God brought you to me. I can't talk to you about it now, because it has to do with someone else, so I'll tell you when we get out of here, but you will know that God brought you to me for a reason." (What??) April assures Ivette several times that she won't tell a soul about Ivette's secret...which means by now everybody knows.

KUM-BAH-YUCK
Janelle: The only thing bad about Miami is it's very Latin. It gets on my nerves.
Beau: Where does Kaysar come from that no one cusses? A finishing school? I mean come on, you've seen me, I don't always have to cuss, but there are some times that I do. It's part of American culture!

PARTING CLICHES AND TOUGH TALK
James: Even rats leave a sinking ship
James: Respect is earned
Eric: You (Kaysar) sliced your own throat and you'll bleed for two weeks before you die.

TUNA NEWS WEEKEND EDITION -- JULY 18, 2005

2005-07-18T15:48:00.000-04:00

So, well. Yes. Sometimes the weekends are quiet. Sometimes it's YO MAMMA Big Time Wrestling and the Night of a Thousand Fishes. Since Michael and Janelle are both nominated for eviction this week, guess which one it was THIS weekend?

TIS A GIFT TOO SIMPLE
Eric: "I would love a live eviction tonight. That would be too easy."
Rachel: "That would be called "a gift."

STOP LOOKING AT ME
The "MOM, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!" nonsense started mid-morning on Saturday. Eric tells James and Beau, "He was staring at me!" Eric says that he told Michael, "Nobody intimidates me, so you can sit there and stare at me all day long."

STOP TALKING ABOUT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT
Eric: "So what I'm telling everybody here and now is that *pound* is that I AM NOT DISCUSSING THIS AGAIN! *pound* This is over *pound* and this is a *pound* dead issue. The only reason I brought it up is because YOU brought it up!

ART UNAPPRECIATION
So, Michael has an issue with Eric displaying some of the pictures he received as HoH. Michael complains, "He put his picture up on the fridge like it's his house. I am going to tell them to keep them in his room."

POV MESS AND A HALF
Being Saturday, it was the day for the Veto Competition. Having Purchased the live feeds, one might think one might get an insiders view of said competition. If that is truly what one thinks, then one needs to have one's head examined. The PoV competition went something like this:

FISH on all four
STILL FISH
Wait...is this BB7, Finding Nemo?
FISH going on 1 hour
FISH Update: 1 hour, 35 minutes
We've hit the 2 hour mark, folks
FISH - 2 hours, 20 minutes
2+ HOURS OF FISH IS UNACCEPTABLE
FISH - 2 hours, 45 minutes
STILL FISH -- They must have gotten the Harry Potter Book
FISH - 3 Hours, 20 minutes

And what happened in the end? Some sort of problem, meaning they'd have to rerun the competition (or at least finish it) on Sunday. Feeling sorry for the hamsters (a silly thing indeed), Big Brother decided to give them the indoor Gym.

AND THEN...IT BEGAN
8:11 PM -- BB gives the hamsters alcohol.
8:17 PM -- Eric downing cans of beer and says, "I will DIE before I lose tomorrow!"
8:34 PM -- Eric does an encore of "MOM HE'S LOOKING AT ME" (see above)
8:35 PM -- April says she will not walk Mike to the door when he leaves.
8:37 PM -- Eric is irate with "liquid courage" and declares he'll win tomorrow!
9:37 PM -- Eric plans to not know Michael at the reunion party.
9:39 PM -- Kaysar reports to Michael that Ivette is RAGING.
9:39 PM -- Michael says she attacked my mother, so I attacked her mother.
9:42 PM -- Ivette says "I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna slice him. I need to blow-dry my hair!!"
10:00PM ish -- YO MAMA! NO, YO MAMA! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!

TRANSLATED
Though it hardly matters, because "Yo Mamma" is really pretty close: Kaysar comes outside to talk to a raging Ivette who is sitting at the table with Eric. He asks her what's wrong and she starts foaming at the mouth. Mike comes out (out of camera) and most likely LOOKS AT ERIC. (MOM!) The whole, "You gotta problem -- No, do YOU have a problem " tango begins, followed by "Yo Mama, Nuh-Uh...YO Mama," and then allegations of midgetness and the Napoleonic need for overcompensation and the ability to get it AWWWN, and the next thing you know, Eric is turning green, and his clothes are ripping off, and he throws his chair down and goes after Mike. Ivette starts yelling, "Cappy, he's going HOME. He's GOING HOME!"

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? HUH? WHAT HAPPENED NEXT???

Approximately 3 hours of lovely fishies
4 Hour Mark -- Still Fish
Fish 5 Hours -- This is NUTS

Later reconstruction of events showed that this little event pulled everybody out of bed, including the Executive Producers of the Show. Eric was in the Diary Room for 2.5 hours, and several other houseguests were banned to individual rooms for a time out. James was banished to the HoH room. Ivette was banished to the gym. Everybody was forbidden to talk while they sorted out the mess. Ivette also later complained bitterly that Kaysar was allowed to walk around and talk. MOM, IT'S NOT FAIR!

IN THE END
Eric stayed. Michael stayed. Eric had to apologize to Michael. Arnold Shapiro (Executive Producer) told everybody to "take their maturity up a notch." (No place to go but...)

JAMES - DICTATOR-LITE
James has proven to be a wee bit demanding, especially where Sarah is concerned. he tells her to go brush her teeth. Twice. He tells her she is not allowed to eat until she brushes.

ZING!
Jennifer: "It wouldn't be breakfast if you didn't hear 'I am not going to talk about this anymore' (from Eric) at least five times!"

HOWIEISMS
Howie: "Anybody talk to Ashlea today?"
Howie: "Girls can only reject me for so long!"
Howie: "If anybody wants to talk to me about starting an alliance or something, I'll be in my room!"
(tagline) Howie is in the bedroom now and the talk has turned to bimbos

POV - TAKE TWO
The hamsters finished up the PoV competition on Sunday, and James won. Eric, of course, takes all the credit, saying, "I kept telling him to turn the thing upside down!" Spin-doctor Eric also exclaims, "So it was James, then Michael, then Janelle, then Howie, then Rachel, then me. I made top six!"

COME ON, PEOPLE NOW
SMILE ON YOUR BROTHER
EVERYBODY GET TOGETHER
GOTTA LOVE ONE ANOTHER RIGHT NOW
Despite all the problems of the weekend, once again, it's Kaysar and Howie who see past the differences and find common ground, world peace, tolerance and understanding:
Kaysar: "Howie, why do you fart so much??"
Howie: "I dunno. Maybe it's the Christian Virgin-Muslim thing. But there are a lot of foods around here..."
Kaysar: "You just let it all out when you see me?"
Howie: "I dunno. You could be an influential....Laxative of some sort. Maybe like a philosophical, religionosity-type laxative. Your omni-presence with me in a certain proximity to you...I'll tell you right now I've been within 10 feet of you and farted more than anyone in this house combined.
Kaysar: "So I'm a catalyst?"
Howie: "Catalyst...something in your make-up. Whether it's the sand that you eat, or something that's going on..."
Kaysar: "Oh yeah. I had sand for breakfast..."
Kaysar: "Hey! Maybe if you grow your hair out a little bit, I can borrow some of your 80's clothes...we could try out for Miami Vice: The Sequel!"

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 16, 2005

2005-07-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

Now that Eric is all that and a bag of chips, the line is drawn in the sand, everybody picks sides and it's AWWWWN in the Big Brother House. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?
The food competition plays out with the gross food challenge "Snack Shop from Hell." Teams of two choose a menu item, and are served the hell version by a mullet-wigged Eric. Fun included:

James & Howie - "Ice Cream Sundae = Iced Clam Sundae" Playing for Beverages. Result: LOSS
Beau & Janelle - "Pepperoni Pizza = Pepper-ONLY Pizza" Playing for Breads and Cereals. Result: WIN
April & Rachel - "Coconut Cream Pie = Sauerkraut Cream Pie" Playing for Dairy. Result: LOSS
Kaysar & Michael - "Tuna Melt = Tuna Malt" Playing for Snacks and Sweets. Result: WIN
Maggie & Jennifer - "Chocolate Cake = Chocolate Snake" Playing for Meats. Result: WIN
Ivette & Sarah - "Turkey Pot Pie = Turkey Pot POI" Playing for Fruits and Veggies. Result: LOSS
BONUS ROUND - Mike & Eric (Eric replaced volunteer Janelle) - "Egg Salad Sandwich = Egg Salad Sardines" Playing for Beer and Wine. Result : WIN

Food competition highlights:
Howie: (after spewing following his first bite) "Give me peanut butter NOW!"
Jennifer: (To Maggie, who wouldn't eat the snake because she's a vegetarian, making Jennifer eat the entire plate) "You'd better NEVER put me up!"
Howie: "Jenny! My little snake eater!!"
Janelle: (volunteering for the bonus round) "I threw up my pizza, so I'm good!"
Eric: (grabbing the attention by bumping Janelle for the bonus round) "Just to let you know, I didn't have to do this..."
Howie: (Providing moral support during the bonus round) "C'mon guys, do it for Janie! She needs to be drunk!"
Howie: "My ice cream was like going to the Jersey Shore and taking a big bite out of where the water meets the sand!"

MUTUAL ADMIRATION SOCIETY
It's hard to believe that Eric and Ivette have any time for strategy, since they spend the bulk of their time puffing up Eric's ego. Following the food competition, Eric tells Ivette, "I feel if you have to lead, you lead by example, and that's why I did what I did!" Ivette replies, "Cappy, you're my HERO!"

YOU TOO CAN BE HoH IN TWO EASY LESSONS
Thinking you'd make a good HoH?
Use this recipe when dictating your strategy to others you have no intention of nominating in the first place:
1. Open with a Meaningless Salutation
"Tell me your thoughts"
2. Cut to the Chase
"You know the deal"
"Right now my intentions are..."
3. Justify, Justify, Justify
Pick any three: Unstable -- Dangerous -- Hangs out with others -- Outcast -- Scares Me -- Out of Control -- Best for the two of us -- Best for the house -- Gunning for me -- Gunning for you -- Broke my trust
4. Add Side-Deal Leverage and Mix
"Next time you win HoH you guarantee me safety" (repeat often)
5. Season with Tired Phraseology
I respect (insert name) -- Going to do it straight up -- Gunning for you -- Thinking of the Team -- Lead by Example -- Practice what I preach -- Do my best -- Not deceive people -- Clean slate -- Give it my all -- Clear as the day is long
6. Top with False Modesty
"That's all I ask."
7. Serve with Bullshit Sauce
Whatever happens today, you are an awesome dude -- Guarantee with my life -- You know how I feel about you -- You have a friend in me -- You and me to the end -- Dude -- Friend for life

As for those you DO plan to evict? One sentence is all it takes:
"Michael, I don't know WHAT I'm doing at this point."

IT NEVER STOPS -- JANELLE
Janelle: "I wish I were ugly so girls would stop hating me."
Janelle: "That speech was horrible, and to ridicule someone for hanging out with another person is awful."

IT NEVER STOPS -- ERIC
Eric: "He (Michael) will not live to see another week."
Eric: "Let him direct his anger at me. Let it come to me."
Eric: "Do not make eye contact with Michael or Kaysar."

IT NEVER STOPS, AKA HOWIEISMS
Howie: "Rachel, there isn't a girl here I wouldn't bang. Including you."

ALL ABOARD THE BITTER BUS -- CHOO! CHOO!
Following the extremely UNSURPRISING nominations of Michael and Janelle, the spleen venting went into overdrive.
Janelle: "I figured out something. They don't like the smart people here."
Kaysar: "If you don't keep your cool, it'll be worse. Be diplomatic. If you bump heads, there will be more force. Michael: "From who?? A midget and a ghetto bird?"

ON SECOND THOUGHT...
April: "I don't think any of us looks like idiots on the air."
April: "I hope I still have a job when I get out."

Michael: "I'm not making threats. It's against the rules."
Michael: "I'd pick him up by his ankles and hang him out of a 100 story building."

Ivette: "Kaysar has betrayed each and every one of us in this house."
Ivette: "Not everybody, but a lot of us."

HOW INCONSIDERATE!
Sarah: "Our comfort level is the most important thing. If we can't be comfortable, we can't strategize!"

FINAL WORDS
(On hearing the Houseguests constantly calling Eric "Cappy")
Michael: "What is he...a dog?"

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 15, 2005

2005-07-15T09:56:00.000-04:00

At the end of Week 1 in the Big Brother House, it's Crashing Boredom, 13, Ashlea 0. It was no big surprise that THE PRETTIEST girl in the BB house got bounced out on her own implants. Well Ashlea, that's the price THE PRETTIEST girls have to pay. Meanwhile, what else happened on the day THE PRETTIEST girl was evicted? Let's see!

HIGHER MATH
Eric tells April, "We have a 75% chance of one of us winning POV and HoH. Actually, we have a higher shot, because I don't think Janelle can rub two brain cells together. If that's the case, we've got an 85% shot." (Editor's note: Two finalists in the HoH competition? Eric...and Janelle)

AND THE CRANKY PANTS AWARD GOES TO....
Ivette: "He is going to ride camels back to Iraq"
Ivette: "Him and all his Muslim bullcrap. I'm not going to lower myself to that."
Ivette: "I'll bet my ass that if Kaysar, Michael or Janelle get it (HoH), I'm going up, because I won't lower myself to them."
Ivette: "Give the Gold Room to the dirt bags."
Ivette: "What Janelle doesn't know what's gonna save her is we have a Muslim kook and a Psycho."

AND A HEAPING HELPING OF IRONY
Ivette: "I have yet to say anything bad about anybody else. Anything I have to say, I say to their faces."

GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
After the live show and eviction, Eric and James talk about Ashlea. James says, "Ashlea was a pig. A HUGE pig." Eric asks, "Did you see how much food she ate? I told them she wouldn't keep her mouth shut from now to the moment she walked out the door."

IRON CHEF HAMSTER
Maggie eats cream cheese and olive sandwiches. She says they are good.
Howie says, "Bad news guys, in about two hours someone is gonna be eating PB&J."
Michael makes sushi. James says, "He just poisoned us is what he did."

HoH CHANGE-OVER
Eric wins the HoH competition by correctly answering such mind bending questions as: True or False? When the blue surfboard team lost the food competition, they had to eat yams for an entire week. His HoH room was filled with family pictures, his fire department wallet badge, an inflatable pool raft, beer and a James Taylor CD.

INTRODUCING: ERIC THE FATHER FIGURE
The Hamsters get ready for the live show. Ivette comes out and puts on some very short shorts ("Daisy Dukes") with a tank top. Eric takes one look at her and tells her, "Go change right now. The last outfit looked nice and classy. Go back there and take off the hoochie mama clothes."

INTRODUCING: ERIC THE KING OF STRATEGERIE
Eric "spins his web" (his words) for the upcoming nominations. He tells Maggie and Ivette, "I'm going to put Janelle and Michael up. I'm going to tell Michael he is a pawn. But little does he know (This is the super secret web spinning part) HE isn't the pawn. Instead of voting out Janelle, We vote out HIM." Wow. Strategerie.

INTRODUCING: ERIC THE OVER-INFLATED EGOMEISTER
Eric: "If Janelle things she is going to come in here and use that (HoH) bathroom, she's got another thing coming."
Eric: "After he (Michael) leaves, I am going up to Janelle and telling her I saved her ass."
Eric: "Rachel took care of me (last week), I am going to take care of her."
Eric: "The girls want Michael gone. A lot of the women feel he is not the most stable person in the house."

INTRODUCING DEAD HAMSTER WALKING: MICHAEL
True, he hasn't even been nominated yet, but Michael is already on an accelerated course to next weeks Chenterview of the newly evicted. Even Kaysar knows his alliance of Michael, Janelle and Kaysar are woefully short of voting members. As for everybody else in the house?
Jennifer: "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I just want to slit his throat."
Rachel: "I am SO flabbergasted...I am SO flabbergasted by his behavior and his demeanor."
April: "It's because we pay more attention to Howie."
Kaysar: "The first thing I thought of is that Michael needs to get his crap together because people think he is a nutcase."

HOWIEISMS
Howie: "If I would have farted during the HoH competition, I would have won!"
Howie: (coming out of the bathroom) "That was good! I feel like I gave birth!"

Howie: "Most gay guys love my butt."
Beau: "Nuh Uh!"
Howie: "Oh, we had to have the one BLIND gay guy here."

Howie: (after Janelle invites him to sleep in her bed) "Praise God! I will go to church for the rest of my life!"

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT SARAH
Maggie and Eric do some power whispering about Sarah. Maggie tells Eric that when he explained his "spinning the web" strategerie, Sarah said, "Well, it looks like, so much for the honest people," implying that Eric would be lying to Mike about his pawnness. Maggie also tells Eric that she is pretty sure Sarah has figured out they (Eric and Maggie) are together. Eric says he will ~~strong arm~~ speak to Sarah alone tomorrow.

THE PRETTY GIRL DEFENSE
Now that Ashlea, THE PRETTIEST GIRL is gone, Janelle picks up the "don't hate me because I'm beautiful drum" and bangs it loudly. Janelle starts by complaining about Ivette. "What should I say? That I am very scared of Ivette because she is such a big powerful woman? She said she looks like Selma Hayak. Yeah...Selma on crack and 50 pounds overweight! She is so ghetto, just the way she talks and acts, and her hair." Kaysar pointedly tells Janelle that he is not gunning for Ivette because of her appearance. Janelle whines, "But they are doing it to me!" Kaysar says, "I don't want to get involved in this cattiness." Janelle hits it out of the park with the ever-popular, "Girls never like me." Boo freaking hoo.

PARTING POT-SHOTS
Ivette: "Howie, if you were to clean up that mouth, you'd be the ideal man."
James: (as Ivette struggles to blow up the HoH raft) "Let the woman with the most hot air take care of it."
Kaysar: "Howie, when you're not being perverted, you're actually a really cool guy."
Kaysar: "I feel like I'm leading an army of crackheads. They all got issues."
Kaysar: "Howie is like my big retarded friend."
Kaysar: "Are you thinking?" Janelle: "Yes." Kaysar: "Come up with any bright ideas? Because if you aren't coming up with any bright ideas it is pointless to think."
Howie: "I'm not sure I could get the veto for you then." Janelle: "Remember our alliance?" Howie: "Oh yeah. BOOBIES!"

(tagline) Howie just stripped to his undies to get in the hot tub with Janelle!
(tagline) Howie clears the hot tub

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 14, 2005

2005-07-14T10:06:00.000-04:00

It's eviction day in the Big Brother House! The votes have been cast in secret, and Janelle is the only person who has let hers slip (sorry Kaysar). What was the news in Hamster Haven? Did Howie manage to keep it clean for 24-hours? (No) 24 minutes? (No)

PIG-STYE GATE 2005
You could set your watch to these people. Every year we have to have slob-gate, and then the post slob-gate blowup. This year's cast of characters include: Eric, starring as the ever suffering cook, maid and laundry service provider, and everybody else starring as the inconsiderate pigs that they are. Eric says we wants to call a meeting so he can "not single anyone out." Maggie strongly urges Eric not to make the "stop being pigs" announcement.

MEET APRIL
April is an enigma wrapped in a carton of cigarettes that she doesn't smoke. April is part butt-coverer ("If you leave and hear things (we've said about you) you've got to forgive one another"), part tough girl ("I feel like somebody's bitch, and I'm not getting paid"), part delusional fameseeker ("maybe I'll get a cigarette ad out of this"), part realist ("Oh, who wants to see us talk about butt sex on TV?") and all skinny ("They called me Olive Oyl in High School")

HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS
Ahh, Sarah and James. Young. In love. So cute. So sweet. So All-American... So:
Sarah: Did you year that world? James, my boyfriend, is a big asshole.
James: You know that I love you.
Sarah: Until I get fat.
James: Yeah.
Sarah: What about when I have babies?
James: You'll have a couple of weeks.
Sarah: You're so mean. I am not having your babies.
James: OK. No fat chicks.
Sarah: I love you.
James: I love you a lot, Dumb Butt.

KICK 'EM WHEN THEY'RE DOWN
James: Ashlea is like a tumor that just attaches to you and you can't get rid of.
Howie: One of Ashlea's bathing suit bottoms looks like a carwash.
James: Ashlea has been gone for a week, but she's still here!
Ivette: They won't do an Internet chat until House Guests people actually like get kicked out. They wouldn't do it for a loser like Ashlea.
James: If Ashlea is such a germophobe, how can she leave her shoes out? Let's throw broken glass in them!

BIG BROTHER IS MR. CRANKY PANTS
BB: THIS IS A WARNING: It is against the rules of the BB competition to discuss your votes.
BB: STOP SAYING *blee (edited for content) eeeep*
BB: Maggie, Sarah....STOP THAT! (using sign language)

CURRENT EVENTS
On a somewhat serious note, James, Eric and Kaysar have a sometimes heated discussion regarding the Iraq war. Despite the usual right-wing and left-wing rhetoric, Kaysar comes out with some important statements.
Kaysar: First of all, let me tell you that it is not deeply ingrained in our culture to go out and kill yourself to kill people.
Kaysar: I think that the idea of freedom is not just giving them MTV
After a long, passionate argument, perhaps the best comment came from James:
James: That was one of the best conversations I've ever had.

WHOOPS - TAKE ONE
It's hard keeping secrets. Just ask James. When Sarah was throwing coasters at him, he got annoyed and yelled "SARAH BETH, STOP!!" Howie, Kaysar and Jennifer instantly looked up. Howie repeated, "Sarah Beth...?" James realized he slipped.

WHOOPS - TAKE TWO
Janelle lets it slip that she voted for Kaysar. Howie says, "You can't tell anybody about that!!"

HOWIEISMS
(tagline) Howie is offering free breast exams-um-while everyone is eating!
Howie: Don't grow a beard, you'll look like an Arab!
Kaysar: I am an Arab!

Howie: If we were the only people left on earth, would you do me?
Janelle: No.
Howie: Really? What if this was our last day on earth?
Janelle: No.
Howie: I'm mad at you Janie
Janelle: I'm mad at you, Howie.
Howie: I'm not going to talk to you for an hour, Janie.
Janelle: I'm not going to talk to you for TWO hours!

Howie: Nothing personal, but I'm putting up Michael and Eric, because I can't beat Michael at Foosball, and I can't beat Eric in coasters!

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY THAT AREN'T
Considering this crew, you know it's going to be a short list...
James: I'm going to ride Eric all the way. I hope!
Kaysar: I'm going to my happy place.

UPCOMING ALLIANCES
A backyard patio alliance was formed for week two. Eric, Maggie, Rachel, Howie, April, Jennifer, Ivette and Sarah all agree to not nominate each other next week. Beau and James (not present during the agreement) are also accepted into the BY10. For those playing along, that leaves Michael, Janelle and Kaysar swinging in the wind.

LAST WORDS
James: April? Right or Left?
April: Huh??
James: The foot I'm going to put in your ass for all the shit talking.

James: So Sarah, you going to wait until week 8 to work out?
Sarah: I worked out yesterday! Do I look like Hell? Do I look ok?
Eric: You look like trailer trash.
James: Trailer trash with nice sunglasses.

Janelle: Do you think Kaysar would actually date me?
Ashlea: He couldn't afford you.

Michael: I will not make any gestures that could be interpreted as sexually inappropriate. I will not smother my nose in a girl's neck and go *SNORT* anymore. I will only refer to women as 'the opposite sex.'
Rachel: I'm glad you told me, because I'm planning to do all of that!

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 13, 2005

2005-07-13T09:49:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day at the Tuna News! All the comings and goings inside the BB house stripped down to the bare essentials and then puffed back up to make them much more interesting than they ever were in the first place. We are approaching Eviction Night the first. What's the haps in the house?

IVETTE THE BENEVOLENT
Ivette tells Eric that if she won the lottery, she would buy a huge house so her whole family could live there. But there would be lots of different wings (presumably so she wouldn't have to spend any actual time with them). She says she is a giving person.

ERIC THE KINDHEARTED
Eric: I'm gonna let Kaysar know that my vote can change...
Eric: If you piss someone off, you have an enemy for the rest of the game.
Eric: Ivette, these fajitas are awesome. Can you come to the firehouse and cook like that? Anytime you want you can come bet the firehouse bitch.
Eric: I'll tell him, either I better win POV or when we get out of here you better have eyes in the back of your head.

HOWIE THE BB WANNABEE
Howie: "Beau, please start being heterosexual"
Howie: "Janey, please put out for Howie"
Howie: "Jenn, please stick out a boobie for Howie."
Howie: "Haney, please strip tease for Howie"
Howie: This never gets old!!
Off-camera voice: "Howie, please stop sniffing the toothpaste!"

POINT - COUNTERPOINT
Howie: Do you think your mom would like me?
Jennifer: No, you'd scare her.
Howie: If there weren't safety issues...do you think she'd like me??

Howie: Do I have sexy feet now that they aren't dirty?
Jennifer: Everything about you would be nicer if you weren't so dirty.

Howie: Janelle, before you met me, what's the most disgusting thing a guy ever said to you?
Janelle: "Hi, I'm Howie."
Howie: No! BEFORE you met me....?

Howie: You're so good looking, but you have to ruin it by smoking.
Janelle: You're so good looking, but you have to ruin it by talking.

MEOOOOW!
April, Jennifer and James discuss they common dislike for Janelle. April relates how Janelle said she should stay because 'she is beautiful' and how she said 'I didn't know we were dressing as whores tonight' when she saw Ashlea's outfit. James calls Janelle's implants "plastic courage."

BUT DON'T THEY HAVE TO BE ASSIMILATED FIRST?
Kaysar: They people are dumb, man.
Michael: They annoy me. That's why we must destroy them.

DELUSIONAL THOUGHTS, TAKE TWELVE
Ivette: Everybody likes us because they can see how honest we are!
Kaysar: Their biggest mistake is not evicting me this week.

THE PSYCHO, THE SULTAN, AND THE PRINCESS
Ivette's nicknames for Michael, Kaysar and Janelle.

THE POT, THE KETTLE, AND THE BLACKNESS
GreenTuna's nicknames for Ivette, Eric and James.

TRUE DAT
Eric tells April: You're going to come out of here twenty pounds heavier, because your workouts consist of 5 minutes of walking and 30 minutes of smoking!

IF WISHES.......
Howie: We need more promiscuous women here!!
Howie: There's got to be one chick that's say, 'Okay, do me.'"
Howie: It's the law of large numbers. There will be one girl who will be willing to give me some action.

.....WERE FISHES
tagline: FISH (ALL 2 OF THEM)
tagline: SOMEONE IS DIGGING DEAD FISH OUT OF THE TANK

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 12, 2005

2005-07-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

It was a night of insanity at the Big Brother House. Tears, accusations, paranoia, delusional thinking, harassment...and that's just Howie! Where are we and what's going on? Let's meet our cast of characters:

INTRODUCING: JENNIFER
Little Miss Jennifer appears to be -- somewhat unwillingly and unwittingly -- at the center of the scandal. The girls of the house (read: Ivette and her head nodding minions) have told Jennifer she had better stop the flirting or else the editors will make her out to be a ho, and then her boyfriend will leave her, and her parents will disown her, and she will become a worthless wretch of a human being and die. Somehow, Jennifer is upset by this revelation. Still in all, she manages to toss off these insightful comments:

"The world is going to think we're so HOT!"
"Let's face it, they put hot, young gorgeous people in here."
"But if he's not here (her boyfriend at home) when I get out, well, that's what I came in to find out."

INTRODUCING: IVETTE
Instigator of hysteria. Mouth that will not stop. Forces other to PRAY. Ivette took a mostly harmless yet perhaps annoying situation with Michael and Jennifer and turned it into World War III.

"Mike freaks out. He is Dangerous."
"The guy is teetering scariness."
"Mike is the ultimate control freak." (POT? Kettle!)
"Mike is the type who will blow and WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL DO??"
"You have to like his (Mike's) comments, you have to like his food, you have to like when he touches you..."
"Mike is a WALKING WEAPON!" (Of what? Pseudo-Intellectual Boredom?)
"Girls, I'm going to pray for us. SIT UP!"
"In times like this we need to be delivered from evil" (It's not delivery. It's DiGiornio!)
"Girls, I just felt the need to do this. We should get together every night and pray. It was necessary. A semi-miracle happened. I really believe in people having the evil eye..." (...and a big mouth)

INTRODUCING: ERIC
Firefighter. Savior of the world. Has attended SEVERAL sexual harassment seminars. SEVERAL TIMES. Fanner of flames, both real and imaginary. King of Repeating himself in a very repetitive manner.

"I walked into the room and I can tell it was uncomfortable. I could feel the tension." (of uncomfortability)
"When he left the room, she just fell apart. She just fell apart..." (Let me get this straight, did she...fall apart?)
"I will walk out right now. I will pack my things and walk out."
"His aggressiveness is escalating. There is no doubt in my mind he is getting more aggressive." (Which by definition means it is escalating)
"I told BB I have extensive experience with sexual harassment. I have extensive experience in domestic disputes."

INTRODUCING: MICHAEL
International Poseur. Pseudo-Intellectual. Lover of hearing himself speak (not an uncommon trait in the BB House). Insensitive towards others (ditto). Kisser of female necks and unwitting target of aforementioned mass-hysteria.
"Can I go inside with you (Howie), or is that harassment?"

SCANDAL WRAP-UP
But in the end were they successful? Were Eric and Ivette able to incite mass panic?
Maggie: It's like people in the army who lose it and KILL PEOPLE!
April: I'll act like everything is normal. He could go APESHIT if I say ANYTHING!
Eric: I'm so concerned about this situation right now, I could just walk out that front door right now, and go back to my family. (Because exiting, stage left, is the way all super-heros save the day)

MEANWHILE...
Thankfully other things were actually happening in the hamster cage, because how much of this noise can we really take?

STRATEGIES ABOUND, OR "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"
Michael: "While they are bickering inside, we'll win the competition."
Howie: "While they are busy with their alliances, I'll evict them all!"
James: "Sarah should stay until the end because she is weak. She never works out!!!"

FATAL ATTRACTIONS
Kaysar: "The only chick I attract is Beau."
Michael: "Let's face it, the average IQ in here is not that high. I have no interest in any of the girls here now. I thought a couple were cute, but now...throw them to the dogs!"
Beau: "Who's your type?" Kaysar: "In general or...? I'm not gonna hook up in here. I'M NOT GAY!" Beau: "I'm your type, right??"

WRONG-O!
Eric: "It HAS to be evictions tomorrow."
James: "We're going to have double evictions this week!"
Eric: "This game is supposed to be fun. The whole point is, it's supposed to be fun!"
April: "It's a credible network. They're not going to put bad stuff on it."

HOWIEISMS
Mike: "I'm going to do exactly what Howie does and live in my own world."
Howie: "I'm going to be President of the United States one day."

Janelle: "What are you looking at the picture wall for?"
Howie: "I was thinking of taking your key and sleeping with it."

LAST WORDS FROM KAYSAR
April: "Remember you said, 'Animals don't have souls.'"
Kaysar: "I'm starting to believe people don't, either."

Michael: "We should adopt a Howie technique. We should be complete goofballs and annoy people so much..."
Kaysar: "I'm pretty sure you're doing that already."

TUNA NEWS WEEKEND EDITION -- JULY 11, 2005

2005-07-11T12:54:00.000-04:00

It was a weekend of not-a-whole-lot-going-on. Did that stop our intrepid hamsters from being stupid? Never!!

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE
Janelle: If you get sent home, then I'm going home in two weeks
Ashlea: At least when we go home we will finally get pedicures.

A HOWIE A DAY....
Howie: "Janelle needs to stop beautifying herself. She looks like a candy bar that needs the wrapping ripped right off."
Howie: (Seeing Janelle and Kaysar playing chess) "Who would have thought that? The Muslim Virgin and the hot blonde! This will be our first hookup!!"
Howie: "When girls won't give me attention and acting like they don't want me, that's how I know they DO want me!"
Howie: "I've had all kinds of women. Afro-American black women...."
Sarah: "There is only so much Howie I can take at one time!!"

INTRODUCING: IVETTE
Strong, Latino, opinionated...Ivette will tell you the story and keep telling it until you agree with her. For hours and hours and hours, if that's what it takes.
Ivette: "I still say college is an overrated waste of time, and there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind."
Ivette: "Howie likes to experience the "boofay" (meaning a "buffet of women"), but nobody will want someone who has had the boofay.
Ivette: "You'll know when I can't stand you. I can't relate to people who are wishing hell on me."

I'VE GOT A SECRET
So much for the summer of secrets....
James and Eric talk about pairs.
Eric tells Maggie they have to "keep their cover."
James tells Sarah, "I think there might be seven couples!"

BB6 JOKE-A-DAY CALENDAR
Howie (Who else?): "What do you call a hooker with one leg?"
Ivette: "Why does it have to be a hooker?"
Howie: "Who wants to hear a joke about a non-hooker?"

TALK ABOUT COMING IN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION
Eric Eats An Entire Half of a Watermelon
Beau Thinks That an Antelope is the Same Thing as a Moose

GREAT COMEBACKS
Mike: Lisa (BB3) was a home-type beautiful.
Howie: I'd still bang her.
Mike: Yeah, but you'd bang a toadstool.

Sarah: I really don't want to spend the night in that room with those 3 girls.
James: You might learn something
Sarah: Like how to be a bimbo...

PARTING SHOTS
April, drunk, puts on a pair of sunglasses and burps loudly. Eric exclaims, "She's turned into a Texas Truck Driver after one beer!"

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 9, 2005

2005-07-09T12:05:00.000-04:00

TAKE MY WIFE -- PLEASE!
Among other things, this summer seems to be the summer of really bad jokes.

Eric (looking at Ashlea's implants): Are those real?
Ashlea: Real expensive!
Ba-DUMP-bump!

Howie: You have 26 sheep, and one dies, how many do you have left?
General Answer: 25!
Kaysar: I had a feeling it wouldn't be 25.
Howie: You have 26 sheep, and one dies, how many do you have left?
Female: We heard it already...what's the answer?
Howie: 19!! You have twenty - sick - sheep and one dies
Crowd: Oooooooooh!
Ivette the joke killer : If you could speak proper English, maybe we would have figured it out.

ALL HOWIE, ALL THE TIME
Beau explains sun tea to Howie. Howie doesn't get it.
Howie tries to figure out how to use the brush on the vaccuum cleaner. April helps him.
Howie talks about mermaid fantasies and how he picks up girls in a club

BIG BROTHER 6, SPONSORED BY BEANO
It's the summer of non-stop talk of all bodily functions -- which is going to make for a very long summer indeed. Eric says he never hears his wife fart, even after 14 years. He asks his kids if she did (fart) after they spend a whole day with her. James tries to top that story by saying he has heard his Grandmother Burp. Eric claims his dog farts and laughs.

I WONDER WHERE THE FISH DID GO?
Think BB life is tough on the hamsters? It seems to be much harder on the fish, who were named ~~Excels at floating upside down~~ Avatar, ~~Headed for the Tartar Sauce Kingdom~~ Peanut, and ~~Bait~~ Bentley

BB: HG, Please Feed the Fish!
The women are mad at Kaysar because he wouldn't pray for the sick fish
We have a dead FISH!!!

TRUE CONFESSIONS - TAKE 1
Michael holds his OWN intervention is the bathroom while he is taking a shower. He confesses that he grew up in Europe and only moved to the United States in 1997. He further admits to his most dastardly ruse, that in order to act like a "normal person" he said he was from Michigan (obviously the child has never been to Grand Rapids, where the deer and the Amway Folks play). The bullshit meter goes off the chart as Michael exclaims that his plan to be "more normal than he is" is backfiring. Guess he'll just have to revert to being an International Poseur. Wait.....

TRUE CONFESSIONS - TAKE 2
April tells the cameras that Janelle is the one making her smoke, and that she doesn't really smoke, but she does smoke to reduce stress. But she doesn't really smoke.

JEE MEMORIAL CLICK! AWARD
Misconceptions about the BB house have never stopped, especially since Jee and his infamous assertion that camera noise meant the Internets were taking pictures of them. BB6 is no different, and stupidity continues to rule over all:
Sarah asks James, "So there's no live feed at all in the bathroom?" James replied, "No." Sarah says, "that makes me feel better." GreenTuna says, "CLICK!"
Maggie talks about how discussions the house guests have about the game don't get aired. GreenTuna says, "Wrong-o! CLICK!"
Janelle talks to Kaysar about the Internet feeds and if they can hear the conversation. Kaysar says no. GreenTuna says, "Think again! CLICK!"

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN
Rachel serves up a big heaping bowl of rehash as she reviews yet again her annoyance about Jennifer going into the HoH room and locking the doors. Rachel says that she has finally "let it go." Maggie replies, "You haven't let it go. If you had, you would not still be talking about it two days later!"

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Doctor Janelle says getting breast implants are no different than getting braces or a bikini wax. (I for one, would just hope they don't mix them up)

MARCELLAS GETTING DISSED, 3 YEARS AND COUNTING
Ashlea discusses the upcoming veto competition. She claims she is "going for it," and adds, "I ain't gonna pull no Marcellas!"

IF ONLY...
Michael: What do you have on your mouth?
Janelle: Lip gloss. Watermelon flavored.
Michael: I want to taste it.........
Michael: It's like super glue!

LAST CALL
Howie: I'm gonna start reading the Bible and the "Shallum" thing
Kaysar: Howie, you are so ridiculously dumb sometimes....

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 8, 2005

2005-07-08T10:14:00.000-04:00

Welcome to another season of Big Brother 6 inspired Tuna News, where you are provided a run down -- free of charge -- of the happenings in the Big Brother house. The information is culled from a variety of sources, then shaken, stirred and splashed all over the Internets just for you.

Yesterday was Opening Night for our hamsters. As rodent-watchers everywhere struggle to put names with bikinis, what happened in the Big Brother House?

BEST RECAP TAGLINES
Taglines are supposed to entice you to read a post. Were these successful? You be the judge.

Howie in Hottub explaining his philosophy of life
Beau telling a story about a run-in with a possum
Eric is getting cranky
Eric asks: Can I eat mustard?
Gumball machine in the kitchen
Janelle is drinking her fifth glass of red wine
Janelle snorted and wine came out of her nose
Farting contest on feed 1

KEEP YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES
Rachel says according to the BB Manual, it is illegal to lean over the rail. Considering how well the hamsters follow the rules, I give them a week before somebody goes over the falls.

DELUSIONS START EARLY AROUND THESE PARTS
Sarah, Ashlea and Beau talk about how this years crop of Hamsters are the HOTTEST EVAH. Yeah. I never heard that one before.
Janelle says that Big Brother doesn't show them smoking because it's bad (mmmmKay?) so she doesn't think the cameras are on them right now.

ANOTHER SEASON, ANOTHER SITCOM
Ashlea and Sarah diss-cuss Howie, saying that bringing him home to meet the parents would be a great April Fool's Day joke. They agree that he'd be perfect for My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee.

INTRODUCING: HOWIE
Howie. Howie. Howie. Howie gonna last an entire summer with you?
Howie prefers a gorgeous 30-year old to a 20-year old who eats paste.
Howie is fascinated by animals and weather, but doesn't want to be "bit by gators."
Jennifer says she just "blurs Howie out now."
Michael says Howie's favorite word is "I." His second favorite word is "me."
Howie employs his famous Dr. Seussian dating advice, saying, "I'll make some moves on her in a couple weeks. Persistance breaks down resistance."

SUMMER OF SECRETS
The motto for this season is "The Summer of Secrets." Hopefully they have some more secrets on the back-burner, because it has taken the Hamsters all of one day to figure out what's going on. Ivette tells Maggie, "There's too many of us who have a common understanding, like Michael and Kaysar. Later, Sarah and James whisper together, immediately giving up the fact that they are a pair. James says something "clicked" regarding Rachel and Howie. They think Janelle and Ashlea are a pair. James angrily whispers "we have to get rid of one of them...just think about it" several times to Sarah and then demands to get into the Diary Room.

INTRODUCING: THE GUMBALL MACHINE
Well, it's no Creeping Terror, but nonetheless, a large pedestal-stand gumball machine appears in the kitchen. Eric thinks it looks suspicious. He speaks the obvious, saying, "There's something going on with that. They wouldn't just put that there for nothing." Kaysar spends a great deal of time pondering its existence and wondering what it all means. Not exactly a Magic 8-ball, Kaysar thinks the gumball machine holds the key for the upcoming Power of Veto competition.

INTRODUCING: MICHAEL
Michael appears to be smitten with Janelle, who is quite skilled at whipping him at chess. An international playah (tm Jee), Michael tells Janelle, "I like the birthmark your birthmark. It looks like Gorbachev's head.

DUH
Kaysar says he is beginning to see that there are a lot of weird people under this roof.

PARTING WISDOM
Howie: Hate is the closest thing to love.
Kaysar: Where do you learn this wisdom from?
Howie: Dictionaries.
Kaysar: Fortune cookies?
Howie: Yes, I learn from that.
Kaysar: Cereal boxes?
Howie: Of course....Women, dating, sex, Kung-Fu.....

Hey, that was fun. Would you like another helping of Tuna?

More More More

2004-09-27T17:12:00.000-04:00

No, it's not a mistake! There are new posts. Actually, there are old posts in new places. The complete run of BB5's TunaNews is now available right here. Head on over to the archives to relive the Cowbonics, MFMarvinisms and Pinky Swearing right here. Tell the Horsemen and the Santa Monica Van Boys Tuna sent ya.

TUNA NEWS -- FINAL EDITION 2004

2004-09-22T08:42:00.000-04:00

Welp, it's over. By a vote of 4-3, Drew walked home with the Golden PB&J Crown and the $500k prize. Did anything happen on the very last day of BB5? With Cowboy in tow, Magic 8-Ball says "Outlook promising."

THE FAME GAME
Cowboy tells Drew that when he gets out of the house he's going to have to have a long talk with April. Drew asks, "Why?" Cowboy explains, "I want her to be able to trust me. I don't know how womens [sic] are gonna react now."
(Greentuna: "Cowboy. You are safe.")

I WANNA SHAKE YOUR HAND
The hamsters are excited to hear that the jury will not be re-entering the house, and that they will have about 300 fans outside at the end of the show. Cowboy exclaims, "Just our screaming fans! I'll even give the jury a hug." Drew adds, "Even Marvin! Or, I'll shake his hand."

SHE BANG! SHE BANG!
When they find out there will be 300! Screaming! Fans! Drew asks, "Is this the last season?" Cowboy says, "Could be, dude. They're going out with a bang! They've never done this before! This is the BANG!"

THE MANY CAREERS OF COWBOY
Drew needs a haircut. Cowboy to the rescue. Cowboy says, "You didn't know I was a barber, did you?" Drew says, "Nope!" Cowboy finishes up and says, "It's not awesome or anything, but..." and Drew says, "Better than anyone else could do."

WHO'LL BE A WITNESS?
Cowboy fondly reminisces about Lori. He's looking forward to hugging and kissing her after the show. Ahem. He tells Drew about the time she grabbed his ass. Cowboy exclaims, "Savage was there! He witnessed it!"

LAST SUPPER
Cowboy and Drew sit down to have one final PB&J sandwich...which turns into a couple of PB&J sandwiches. BB says, "Remember houseguests, if you win the $500k prize, you'll never have to eat peanut butter and jelly again!" Drew, mouth crammed, says, "Dish ish the laft one!"

PRAYER OF THE COWPOKE - SHORT VERSION
"We're not asking you to choose Lord, cuz we both deserve to win."
"We need some get up and go, Lord, and I imagine our fans will give us that."
"Lord, if we get our own sitcom, we'll know it's because of you."

PRAYER OF THE COWPOKE - LONG VERSION
Cowboy: While we're coming to you Lord, please give us the strength to just finish this show, go outside and just smile real big for the fans, and just have fun with it Lord. You know this and we know we could not have done this without you Lord. Anything is possible through you Lord. We know that whatever happens tonight, there's gonna be no hard feeling. Lord, we talk about you, and how much you gave us with this great experience. Because of you we have this great friendship. And you know Lord, whatever happens you know, we love you both, and we know just again, strength strength strength lord we need that to finish this. We need motivation Lord, up and go Lord, and I imagine the fans will do that for us. And Lord we know this is the last show, and we think that we both know we need your help Lord. This is the very last show again and you know we need you and whatever happens, happens. And Lord just be with our fans, and stuff when they go travel back home. You know Lord, just be with their families and stuff whilt they're here and our families you know they're so much and I thank you for everyone who has been a part of this show; they've been awesome and they've been great for us, and thank you for all that Lord. Whatever happens if we get our own sitcom Lord it'll all be because of you. So please just be with us when we do our PR stuff or whatever you have planned for us. Be with us, all the houseguests, when we travel. Amen.

Drew: Amen, Buddy.
Cowboy: It's about gotta be ready to go time, baby!

AND, FISH

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 21, 2004

2004-09-21T06:28:00.000-04:00

Finally, it's Finale Night at the Big Brother house. Did Big Brother drop any final twists on our two little Pony Pals? Has Cowboy concocted yet another career move post-BB5? Did Diane storm the house to get her man?

POWER PLAYERS
Cowboy discuses (wait for it...wait for it...) his SITCOM! He tells Drew that he "might teach Julie (Chen) about our sitcom, because we know you (Julie) has some pull around here."

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO NOW?
Drew asks Cowboy if he would stay in the house two more months for $1 million. Cowboy says sure. Drew asks if he would stay in the house one more year for $10 million. Cowboy says, "Only if they'd let you have visits or something. "

GO FISH
Drew and Cowboy wonder about the fate of the fish in the tank. Cowboy asks Drew if his Dad has a fishtank. Drew says no. Cowboy is surprised, saying, "I thought all lawyers had fishtanks." Cowboy asks Drew if he has a pool (Nope) or a hot tub (Nope) .

SECRETS REVEALED
Drew says he is excited to see Scott and Jase and Lori. Cowboy admits, "Jase is gonna be pissed at me." Drew asks why, and Cowboy says, "Because I didn't get you out of the house." Drew says, "Me? Out of the house?" Cowboy tells him, "Because he didn't think you were a loyal horseman." Cowboy also tells Drew that he and Jase were in the Final group together before the show began, and they formed an alliance back then.

THERE'S STILL TIME TO VISIT THE CONSPIRACY STAND
Drew suggests there is one more twist coming up. Cowboy asks what the twist will be. Drew says, "Two new houseguests are coming in for us to vote off." Cowboy asks what their names are, and Drew answers, "Holly Dolly Jolly and Lori."

SAY CHEESE
Cowboy teases Drew, saying, "I haven't seen pictures of my family in the last 3 months because some jackass kept winning HoH." Drew says, "Yeah, well some jackass kept you here until the final two!"

COWBOY MAKES A REAL FUNNY
BB: "Remember Houseguests, if you win $500k, you'll never have to eat peanut butter and jelly again."
Cowboy: "You know, while you're at it, you might as well might as well tell us about 400 laps in the Big Brother pool equal what...a mile?"
BB: "Remember Houseguests, To swim one mile, you only have to swim 440 laps in the Big Brother pool."
Cowboy: "You might as well tell us we're two sexy guys."
Drew: "While you're at it."

FINAL WORDS
Drew: "We don't have to talk anymore."
Cowboy: "Nope."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 20, 2004

2004-09-20T10:11:00.000-04:00

It's the last Monday in the BB5 House. When we last left our heroes, Diane had exactly one minute to pick up the broken pieces of her heart, not to mention her wallet. Cowboy turned I LOVE YOU, MAN into his Friday night anthem, and Drew jumped to the head of the line at the Reality Idiots Convention. You can find him next to the ice sculpture of Colby and Marcellas. What's been happening since the cameras stopped rolling on Friday?

WHO SAID IT?
#1. "I'm starting to think our families are already here."
#2. "We are such fine specimens of the human male."
#3. "We gotta look good for Julie, don't we?"
#4. "We are gonna be studs when we get out"
#5. "I don't think it will be as bad as last year. They didn't even want to vote."
#6. "It's going to be like facing a firing squad."
#7. "Jesus is not a wimp"
#8. "Marvin's not going to vote for me! He thinks I'm racist!"
#9. "Funny, funny Big Brother. Everything is peanut butter and jelly."
#10. "I'm ready for politics now."
(Drew=1, 2, 6, 7, 9 ~~~ Cowboy=3, 4, 5, 8, 10)

BRING ME A SHRUBBERY
Seeing his BB fame coming to a close, Cowboy starts planning his next career move. He says, "I'm ready for politics now" but quickly adds, "Actually, I still want my sitcom first." Cowboy also tells Drew that April would like to run for office, and perhaps be Governor.

RESUME BUILDER
Forgetting one tiny detail called THE INTERNET, Cowboy swears Drew to secrecy when he reveals he used to be a High School Mascot. He was BIG WILLY WILDCAT and he shared the responsibility with another high school senior. He says, "That's why I can do toe touches."

REAL REALITY TELEVISION
Cowboy admits, "If I don't get my sitcom and only 50-grand, I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to go back to work." Awww. Stand in line, buddy.

RUNAWAY JURY
Saturday night Cowboy and Drew had to face questions from the Jury. The jury could see them (via plasma screen), but they could not see the jury. The questions were as followed:
Will asked Cowboy and Drew to look at each other and tell them why they shouldn't win.
Adria asked Drew what was his strategy in regards to the jury.
Marvin called Cowboy racist and Drew a womanizer.
Karen asked Cowboy why he voted out Nakomis.
Diane told Drew his goodbye wasn't sincere and told Cowboy he didn't do jack shit in the game.

POST-JURY AFTERGLOW, COWBOY STYLE
Cowboy is really upset about Diane and Marvin's comments. He says, "I know I'm not getting Diane's vote, but you don't gotta drill me like that. And Marvin, he's not gonna vote for me because he thinks I'm racist. My mother would slap me dead." A distressed Cowboy mutters, "I don't think I'm gonna get my own sister's vote." Maybe it's because you voted her out of the house?

POST-JURY AFTERGLOW, DREW STYLE
Drew cannot let go of the thought of Marvin and Diane together. Alone (As alone can be with five other hamsters). In the sequester house of ill repute. Marvin told Drew that he (Drew) had tore Diane's heart out and Marvin would be there to help her through it. For the remainder of the weekend, Drew's sole topic of conversation was Marvin and Diane. Cowboy helps Drew out by continually bashing Diane and then talking about himself and his hard decisions. Oh, and he's not racist either. And he's poor. Did I mention he wants a sitcom?

SO THIS IS LOVE?
Still bothered by Diane's comments, Drew wonders how his goodbye wasn't sincere. "What was I supposed to say? I love you...I'll eat your puke?" Cowboy asks Drew what he said to Diane. Drew tells him, "I said 'I hope we hang out after the show' and stuff." (Who wouldn't be moved by that?)

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!
BB sends Cowboy and Drew to the Storage Room, and inside they find a huge gift basket full of PB&J related items: Peanut Butter Cups, Jelly Beans, Peanut Butter cookies, Skippy snack bars, PB&J lollipops...and Beer.

GOVERNMENT 101
Cowboy tells Drew, "There is an age for President. 46, I think." (bzzzzz) Drew says, "I thought it was 24 or something." (bzzzzz) Cowboy says, "That's for State Representative. Could be Governor...Could maybe possibly be 30." (bzzzzzzzzzzz) I don't know. I know in Government, I slept through it. But I'm running for State Representative, then Governor, then the White House, and tell a million people I'm not racist!"

COWBOY: THIS IS YOUR LIFE
Cowboy gives Drew the rundown of his life.
Age 17 Vice President of "The Explorers" -- A Future police officers club.
Age 18-19 Volunteer Firefighter. Search and rescue. Storm spotter.
Age 19 Got married. Still volunteer firefighter.
Age 20 Moved to Colorado. Worked in loss-prevention. The boss wanted to send me to speech class and English class. Put in notice to move back to Oklahoma.
Age 21 Divorce. EMT School. Subsequently let EMT license lapse. Started working at Wal-Mart. April's mom worked at Wal-Mart and got her and Cowboy together, "Even though she knew I had screwed two other girls at Wal-Mart. She knew I was a good guy. A Christian guy."

PARTING SHOTS FROM THE 6-SHOOTER
Cowboy: "That's where I am at today because of my hard work and discipline. I feel this place has made me a better man."
Cowboy: "Every jury is different, and we have a weird one."
Cowboy: "Well, I think you have a good chance against me, so congratulations!"
Cowboy: "Acting will let me be myself!"
Cowboy: "I am not dumb. I am more street smart than book smart."
Cowboy: "We will be like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon!"

COWBOY NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 17, 2004

2004-09-17T11:05:00.000-04:00

It's Eviction Friday! BB has not yet run the final portion of the HoH competition, so our scorecard remains the same: Drew won part 1, Cowboy won part 2, Diane is using her super Spidey grip to attach herself to both Drew and Cowboy. What happened yesterday in the Big Brother House? Well, if nothing else, Drew is earning his BB5 winnings by listening to All-Cowboy Talk Radio. Is Cowboy is your favorite too? (You KNOW he is!) Sit back lil' buckaroos, and grab your dictionary. It's the Cowboy show.

COWBOY STARS IN THE APPRENTICE
Cowboy says he has been told by lots of managers that he interviews really well.
Greentuna thinks that's because he's had lots of practice.

COWBOY STARS IN FRIENDS
Cowboy tells Drew, "You are a best friend to me, and you will probably be right next to me when I get married, and I mean that."

COWBOY STARS IN THE SOPRANOS
Cowboy tells Drew, "I got rid of my own sister because of my word, and I mean right there, that has to say a lot."
Greentuna thinks, "It says you'll be eating Thanksgiving dinner in the garage."

COWBOY STARS IN ALF
Cowboy tells Drew, "You're so much like me and it's kinda weird how this experience has brought us together."

COWBOY STARS IN SESAME STREET
Cowboy tells Drew, "I learned a lot from you, and you learned a lot from me, and that's how it should be."

COWBOY STARS IN ALIENS
Cowboy tells Drew, "I see a young man growing in you and you got a lot of experience in this game. You've learned so much and I can see it in you."

COWBOY STARS IN THE WALTONS
Cowboy tells Drew, "I think you will be able to go out in that world and be an awesome man. And being young with no decisions before here, you did awesome."

COWBOY STARS IN MARTHA STUART LIVING
Cowboy tells Drew, "I'm looking forward (to winning HoH) with the pillows, 'cause I've got my pillows. I'm so sore. I'm ready to have my own pillows."

COWBOY STARS IN IRON CHEF
Cowboy tells Drew, "The chips fell in our lap. And that's the way the cookie crumbles."

COWBOY STARS IN TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL
Cowboy tells Drew, "I lost that competition for a reason. And that is for being nice. God made it up to you and me." (Jesus crawls out of an ox suit and says, 'No problem.')

COWBOY STARS IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Cowboy tells Drew, "Nothing will change my mind. My choice is in stone. It was when we first hit our fists. My family knows that. With God as my witness, I could not have done this without God and you."

COWBOY STARS IN THE GODFATHER
Cowboy tells Drew, "I can sleep at night and have a good friend to show for it. I guess I can call you my best friend, because I trust you so much."

COWBOY STARS IN ER
Cowboy is excited because BB has stocked the house with Strawberry milk, Cheetos, Pop-Tarts, Fruit Roll-Ups, Fritos, canned chili and Gatorade.
Greentuna feels ill.

COWBOY STARS IN BB AUSTRALIA
THE DINGO ATE MY COWBOY! Cowboy says he wants to do Big Brother Australia for the "Australian Chicks."

COWBOY STARS IN BARNEY
Cowboy spends some time attempting a macaroni message to April and Chason.

COWBOY STARS IN JEOPARDY!
Cowboy tells Drew, "I think I am smarter than I give myself credit for."

COWBOY STARS IN THE 700 CLUB
Cowboy tells Drew, "You'll see the true me tomorrow when I pick who stays. There are two Christian guys who will be in the final two.

COWBOY STARS IN THE DATING GAME
Cowboy says maybe he should fix Drew up with a girl from Oklahoma.

COWBOY STARS IN PAPILLON
Cowboy tells Drew, "The world loves us, Dude. We both escaped the block. They probably thought that one of us was gone that week."

COWBOY STARS ON DR. PHIL
Cowboy discusses Scott, saying, "You know he's gonna have problems going into malls....girls wanting his semen."

COWBOY STARS IN MISS AMERICA
Cowboy tells Drew he credits his success in the BB game to his winning personality, which he got from his mother.
Greentuna hisses, "WORLD PEACE. The answer is WORLD PEACE."

COWBOY STARS IN THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS
Cowboy tells Drew, "If she (Diane) spreads rumors and tells you anything, you come and tell me. I don't know if she'll go that low. I'm just saying..."

COWBOY STARS IN WHAT NOT TO WEAR
Cowboy tells Drew, "When I said I want you at my left side at the altar, I mean it. If my brother isn't there, you will be my brother." Drew says, "I'll be honored, man." Cowboy adds, "I know you will. You'll have to wear a Cowboy suit, though."

COWBOY STARS IN THE AMAZING RACE
Cowboy tells Drew, "Praying for miracles has brought God into this. I just thought about that now."

COWBOY STARS IN SURVIVOR
Drew asks Cowboy if they will have to pack everything today, or if they'll have time tomorrow. Cowboy tells him, "It don't matter, cuz you ain't leaving."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 17, 2004

2004-09-17T10:32:00.000-04:00

Wow! Did you know there were THREE people in the house? Yes indeed. Aside from Chatty Cathy, there is also a hamster named Drew and another named Diane. Was anybody else able to get a word in edgewise yesterday? Amazingly enough, the answer is YES.

HEY, IF IT WORKED FOR ADRIA
Diane tells Drew that she'll be praying for him at the final competition.

COWBOY COWBOY COWBOY!
Channeling Jan from The Brady Bunch, Drew and Diane complain that all Cowboy ever talks about is himself. (And they're just noticing that NOW??) Drew says, "Everything is about him. No one has had more jobs than him. It's always about money." Diane adds, "Poor this, poor that. Every other word out of his mouth is how poor he is." Drew agrees, saying, "I am about to jump down his throat. Like Dude, you know what?? I GOT IT!" Diane says, "Life is full of choices. Getting married is an expense. Kids are an expense. It's your choice. If you are gonna want to do that, don't complain about it." After much complaining, Diane sums it all up by exclaiming, "He sucks. That's all I got to say."

KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM
Diane hazes Drew for his packing technique. She doesn't think he can fit everything into his suitcase. Diane says, "It's all in the way you fold. I'm just telling you. I'm going to laugh at you later." A few minutes later she says, "This is the way you fold?? And you worked at Abercrombie??"

7 ANGRY HAMSTERS
Diane and Drew speculate on jury questions. Diane says she will just say, "I don't care who you give the money to. Second place is more than YOU'RE (the jury) leaving with." Diane thinks that she and Drew are more "marketable" as the "Couple who won BB."

PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
Drew practices his Cowboy eviction speech in front of Diane. He says, "Cowboy, I know that we had goals, but I feel like I don't stand a chance up against you, and I had a promise with Diane...." Diane says, "Yeah....But you should say something GOOD about me." Diane tells Drew, "You should say something like 'ever since you won the first veto your personality has changed, and we have seen a completely different side of you.'" Drew tries out the phrase, "You pulled something out of Diane that...like a contract kind of thing...you used your power to leverage more and you never told me about that and that makes me not trust you."

WALKIES!
Diane: "You remind me of one of my dogs!"
Drew: "What??"
Diane: "You remind me of one of my dogs! I just can't stop kissing you!"
Drew: "Oh. Way to make me feel good about myself."
Diane: "You know what I mean!"

FINAL THOUGHTS
Diane: "How did you make it through the game without pissing anyone off?"
Cowboy: "Who?"
Diane: "You two."
Cowboy: "By being ourselves."
Diane: "But I WAS myself!"
GreenTuna: "Exactly."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 16, 2004

2004-09-16T06:52:00.000-04:00

It's the Thursday non-elimination (heck, it's the Non-Big Brother) leg of the race. With Drew victorious in Round One of the HoH competition, who will win round two? Will Cowboy continue to talk about his HARD DECISION? And Diane? Will she continue in her Diane-ness?

CURRENT SCORECARD
Drew won the 47-minute Part-One HoH Competition
COWBOY wins the second round of the HoH Competition
Drew and Cowboy will compete for the final, the ultimate Golden HoH with cherries and whipped cream and sprinkles on top
GREENTUNA forgets to mention yesterday that Nakomis was evicted by Cowboy. It was a HARD DECISION, but Cowboy went for the backstabbing friend over his sister. Were you surprised? Yeah, me neither.

FUTURAMA
The remaining hamsters talk about what life will be like outside the house. Cowboy says he won't know how to act at all, but he wants to be sure he is back in LA in January. Diane supposes she will go to Kentucky for a month or two, but then she's "outta there."

AGRICULTURAL REPORT
Cowboy proves "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" as he compares himself to his father-in-law. I am assuming it is "future father-in-law" as opposed to "ex-father-in-law." Anyway. They both like to make money. They both like to "pinch pennies." The raised animals (rabbits, etc.) and when they didn't make any money, they ATE THEM. Good thing he didn't raise elephants.

COWBOY'S KITCHEN STADIUM
Iron Chef Cowboy tells the HGs that once upon a time he wanted to go to a culinary school in Oregon.

HAS COUCH, WILL TRAVEL
Cowboy offers his philosophy on life. He says, "If you do a job you love and love to get up and go to that, you will be healthier and live longer." Obviously Cowboy has never worked in a nuclear reactor or a coal mine. Cowboy also says he has many, many goals in his life and has changed his mind many, many times. I would imagine they were HARD DECISIONS.

MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO
Cowboy asked for game playing advice from his father in-law (in between rabbit bites) and he told him, "Go into the house and be yourself, and everybody will love you."

ARTS AND CRAFTS
Inspired by the soap-making project from a few days ago, Drew decides to do some macaroni art. He spells out Diane, I think you're Hot and then shows it to Cowboy, explaining he made the picture to "help her self esteem." I know whenever I'm feeling blue, pasta pictures always make me feel better.

WORDS OF WISDOM
Big Brother: "Remember Houseguests, if you win the half million dollar prize, you will never have to eat peanut butter again."

OH, THAT KARMA
After Diane lost phase two of the HoH competition to Cowboy, she went into overdrive crying mode, telling Drew he MUST win tomorrow. Diane says she lost because of bad Karma, saying, "This is because I asked him (Cowboy) to put up my hair yesterday." Evidently Diane couldn't remember several details of BB5 history. One of the questions was Who did Adria nominate? and Diane says, "Will and Cowboy...right?" Nope. Will and Marvin. How could you forget the infamous "Jesus told me to nominate the black guy and the gay guy" strategy?

WORKING IT -- DIANE STYLE
Diane tells Drew that Cowboy doesn't deserve to win the game. She tells Drew that he will win the final phase of HoH because he is smart and athletic. Drew agrees yet again to take Diane to the final two.

COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 1 -- "SMILE"
Cowboy: "Because of you (Drew -- and the fact that they are going to the final two) I can get my teeth fixed.

COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 2 -- "V-DAY"
Cowboy: "My victory is your victory. And your victory's mine. We share it together and our families share it together.

COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 3 -- "TEARS OF JOY"
Cowboy: "I want to cry, but I'll wait until Thursday night. And I will cry then, and I know you will too. We'll do it together.

COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 4 -- "CHA-CHING!"
Cowboy: "Dude, I can honestly say I will be debt free."

COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 5 -- "TRUST ME!"
Cowboy: "You can trust me. I voted out my sister."

COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 6 -- "STRATEGERY"
Cowboy: "If it's an obstacle thing, you know what you have to do."
Drew: "Yeah. Keep my shoelaces untied."

COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 7 -- "ENOUGH ALREADY"
Cowboy: "Now it begins. The Two Horsemen. You and me, one and two. My family will be so proud. Outside of this we will be best friends. I've got so many things for you to do outside of this. My word is good. We go out together to talk to Julie as Horsemen. We tell her about our ride.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 15, 2004

2004-09-15T08:32:00.000-04:00

When we last left our three stooges, they were perched on the production set inspired by the Craft store clearance sale of Styrofoam boulders. Standing on two black posts and holding a key, the hamsters prepared for hours upon hours of grueling competition. As a surprise to exactly no one, the set starts a-heavin' and a-shaking. Who will win Round One of the final HoH competition? How long will Cowboy last before he sings verse 96 of 'My decision was HARD. It was a HARD DECISION. DECISION. HARD. IT WAS.' Will Cowboy finally get his letter from home? Will Diane be able to win despite her lack of anatomy for this balls-out competition?

LONG-ASS GRUELING ENDURANCE COMPETITION
(READERS DIGEST VERSION)
7:00 Competition Begins
7:17 Cowboy is out
7:46 Diane is out
*snort*

ENDURANCE COMPETITION - HAMSTER VERSION
7:03 Diane
Diane says "I can't breathe." Hope springs eternal for recappers everywhere. Guess she shouldn't have eaten that second potato-chip.
7:06 Cowboy
Cowboy doesn't understand the rules. He thinks he can continue to hold onto the key using upper body strength (now he levitates?) without his feet touching the ground. "Suppose the platform is shaking and we fall, but our feet don't hit the ground, and you still manage to hold onto your key and reposition yourself, does that count?" BB says, "Yes, if you can manage that."
7:08 Cowboy
Cowboy doesn't understand anything. Now he asks if the Internet is watching the competition. BB says, "yep."
7:13 Cowboy
Cowboy feels like he is going to bust, so he finally says, "IT WAS A HARD DECISION."

7:17 COWBOY IS OUT.
What an idiot. It seems Cowboy was "helping Diane with her hair" and his foot slipped off. Diane puts her apologies on autoplay, and promise Cowboy she'll buy him something nice from Amazon when she gets home. Don't forget to throw in a case of Turtle-Wax and some Rice-a-Roni (The San Francisco Treat). Cowboy tells her it wasn't her fault. Diane says it was 50% her fault. Evidently what happened was Cowboy was helping her with one hand, but forgot to hold onto the key with the other hand. Oh, those pesky rules.

7:30 Diane
Once Cowboy goes out and goes inside, Diane says, "I feel a little guilty but not too much." Then Diane and Drew start speed bargaining. Diane asks, "You wanna just let go and let me take it?" She adds, "I promise you I'll take you. I. PROMISE. You."

7:35 Drew
The set starts shaking again. Drew yells, "Is that all you got?? Bring it ON!" The center post holding the keys starts to move downward. Poor Diane. First she complains that her hands are slippery because she put lotion on them before the competition. Then she says, "My jeans are too tight for me to do this. If this keeps on there is a good chance you are going to see my ass-crack."

7:38 Diane
Diane asks if she can kiss Drew. Drew yells, "NO!" Diane says, "it's part of my strategy." The set starts shaking again. Diane yells, "It's like a really big vibrator." mmmYeah. Couldn't see that one coming. So to speak.

7:46 DIANE IS OUT. DREW WINS PART 1
Diane falls off less than a minute after 1. Drew agrees to throw the competition and give it to her, and 2. She declares herself to be the Queen of Endurance, saying "No one can beat me." Karma crawls out from under a rock and congratulates himself on a job well-done.

POST COMPETITION WRAP-UP
Cowboy: "I know that competition was made for me, and I messed up."
Diane: "The next part (of the HoH competition) is "smart" and I'm not smart!"
Diane: (To Drew) "I want you to give me the final HoH so I can vote Cowboy out! I can't wait! I'll tell him he backed me into a wall and made me do things I didn't want to do."
Cowboy: (To Drew) "The horsemen in the final two! I know whichever one of us wins, Diane will be bullshitting us to take her to the final two!"
Drew: (To himself) "I'm going to win HoH and the WHOLE THING!"

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 14, 2004

2004-09-14T13:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome to a slightly later (thank goodness one of my students was sick today) edition of the TunaNews. It's eviction night in the BB household. Who will stay and who will go? Will Cowboy be able to make his very, very VERY hard decision? Did he tell you it was a HARD DECISION? Will Cowboy live the rest of his life in a CAPS LOCK LEANED OVER kind of way?

KLEPTOMANIACS 'R US
The hamsters discuss what they'd like to take from the house. Cowboy likes the pear scultpure. Drew likes the multiple-face sculpture. Nakomis prefers the green hammock of incessant rocking, plotting and pinky swearing. Cowboy decides to trade in his pear sculpture for door number three and says he would rather have the BowFlex. Later he decides he would like to have the hot tub. Nakomis deadpans, "I'm sure there's an inch of slime on it."

THINGS THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN
Cowboy thinks BB should provide one hour of music per day for the HGs. He thinks each hamster should be allowed to make a couple requests and BB could be the DJ. And then BB would arm squadrons of flying pigs and monkeys with deadly anvils and orders to strike immediately.

THIS IS THE MOMENT
Cowboy decides to make his big announcement that says essentially...nothing. He announces at the dinner table that he has made his decision, but he cannot reveal his decision...EVEN TO DREW! (How difficult this must be for Cowboy. How horribly hard and difficult and...difficult) Cowboy says, "I wisht I had three golden vetos, but I only got one." Cowboy tells the nominated hamsters (who suffer not nearly as much as he does because he has a HARD decision to make) that he doesn't have a calculator handy to add up bills, but he knows everybody needs the money. He hopes everyone will respect his decision (and the hardness of it, therein).

CRAFTS!
BB, in a moment of weakness, gives the HGs crafts. Today's fun is making soap. Nobody is particularly good at it, except Nakomis. Best moment of craft time? As the hamsters were cleaning up, Diane said, "At least this stuff comes off easy." Nakomis looks at her and says, "Well...it is SOAP."

THINGS WE WISH WOULD HAPPEN
Nakomis tells Diane, "If I hear the phrase, 'This is really a hard decision' one more time, I'm going to beat his head in with a spoon! Diane laughs and says, "What are you going to say tomorrow during your speech?" Nakomis says, "Dad's gonna be mad if you don't veto me!"

CURRENT EVENTS 101
Cowboy says, "We didn't do anything today for September 16th." Then he stops and says, "No. September 11th. Today is the 12th (which it wasn't), so yesterday was the anniversary." Nakomis asks, "It's been a year?" Cowboy says, "Two years." Drew says, "No. Three years." Cowboy exclaims, "You're right! It was three years! I was married to my ex-wife then."

REVISIONIST HISTORY
Diane: I've NEVER kissed ass before.
(pause)
Diane: Well, maybe once in college, to get a grade changed.

REALITY TV MATH 101
Cowboy worries that if he keeps Diane in the game (after making his HARD DECISION) that she'll get too cocky. Mr. Pots and Kettles says, "Not 50% cocky. I mean 100% cocky!!" Gah. That's the worst kind.

REALITY TV GEOGRAPHY 101
Drew and Cowboy discuss gambling in Canada. He tells Cowboy you take a bridge to Canada, not a boat, because Canada is not in Europe. Well, technically, Drew-boy, you could take a boat to Canada. The bridge passes over water, not a lake of boiling lava.

BAD IDEAS
Diane plans to "call out" Cowboy tomorrow on live TV. She wants to point out how she saved Cowboy from eviction last week, and they had a promise. Although Diane has promised to take Cowboy to the final two, she plans NOT to keep that promise, saying, "I will take great pleasure in getting rid of him." She and Drew lament not getting rid of Cowboy earlier. They plan for the final HoH competition, thinking Cowboy will lose first, and once he is out (of the supposed endurance competition) Drew will relinquish HoH to Diane and she can win for the final week.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 13, 2004

2004-09-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

Eight days and counting. Will Cowboy build his Dude Ranch for Children? Will Drew win enough cash to go golfing for the rest of his life? Will Diane win Drew? Will Nakomis win a new Hair Color? Will the hamsters provide enough entertainment to cobble together another show?

CURRENT STATUS
HoH - Drew
Nominated - Diane and Nakomis
Veto - Cowboy

FINALLY, STEAK RARE
The hamsters get more slabs of beef, and Nakomis cooks hers rare. While they eat the HGs tease her about her steak, asking her if she would eat it with fur on it.

MORE POWER TO YOU
Cowboy wins the veto competition and the rush of power overwhelms his 10-gallon hat. Diane asks Nakomis if she has noticed anything about America's Favorite, saying, "Cowboy is on a power trip from hell." Diane tells her, "Plain and simple. I don't kiss ass. " Diane says, "He (Cowboy) wanted me to do it last night, and I'm not going to do it. And Adria can kiss my ass too."

AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO
Diane tells Drew that she wants him to promise that if she is going to be evicted, that he tells her ahead of time. She says, "If I find out that something was going on, I will never speak to you again and you will not get my vote." Drew says, "Number one, don't even threaten me with that." Diane says, "Hey, you already threatened me with my dog's life and my sister's life. Now it's my turn to threaten you." Drew says, "I already apologized for that."

IF WISHES WERE FISHES
It's not exactly Champaign wishes and caviar dreams, but the best Diane can come up with is, "I wish I were in my car right now, listening to Kanye West, and going to Taco Bell.

GET SMART - STRATEGY 1
Nakomis starts dropping little bombs everywhere. She starts off with the classic, Nobody will ever vote for me strategy, saying, "Marvin told me right before the live eviction that he knew he was going. He told me he thought I was cool, but that once he was in the jury house, I would not get his vote."

GET SMART - STRATEGY 2
Nakomis plants the seeds of I don't have any stamina for the final HoH competition. Cowboy explains to Nakomis that the final HoH always has an endurance portion. Nakomis acts shocked, saying, "Oh, I'm dead. I'll never win that. I'm sorry that I'll embarrass my family."

GET SMART - STRATEGY 3
Nakomis tosses off little comments to distance herself from perceived allies. She says Karen gave Nakomis all sorts of bad information to "screw with her head."

GET SMART - STRATEGY 4
When in doubt, use the power of the pinky. Nakomis pinky-swears with Cowboy that she'll take him to the final 2.

GET SMART - STRATEGY 5
Nakomis tells Cowboy she wants him to have his dude ranch. She says she knows how much it will help other children.

GET DESPERATE - STRATEGY 6
Nakomis slips from strategy to desperation when she tells Cowboy not only does she want him to have his dude ranch, she will WORK at the dude ranch with him if he wants her to. Yikes. Enough of that, now.

TO THE VICTOR BELONG THE SPOILS
Did the strategy work? Cowboy confers with Drew, telling him they might need to keep Nakomis in the game because she isn't good at endurance competitions. Later, Cowboy flat-out asks Drew if he would be mad if Cowboy voted out Diane. Drew says no.

MELTDOWN ON AISLE 2
Surprise! Diane and Drew have another fight about something most likely horribly inconsequential. The outcome is Diane stomping out of the HoH room, yelling, "I am not the bad guy! I'm so tired of that!!" Cowboy asks Drew, "What was that all about?" Drew says, "She's such a bitch. If she wants to screw herself in this game, let it be. I don't care."

MELTDOWN ON AISLE 4
Nakomis finally has a major meltdown. She yells and screams out in the backyard for quite awhile, aiming her rants directly at BB, Arnold Shapiro and CBS. She yells that they told her it would be an easy summer and she'd make easy money. She yells about finding out that she had an half-brother on national television. She ends her long tirade yelling at one of the cameras, saying Yes, she knows she is staring at the camera, and she knows they won't be able to use this breakdown on television because she cursed through the whole thing.

WHY COWBOY WON'T BE THE NEXT DR. PHIL
Cowboy tries sympathize with Nakomis post-meltdown by giving her a lecture about how hard HIS role is this week, since he won the veto. He goes on and on about how much responsibility he has and two people he loves are on the block. Drew finally shuts Cowboy up by reminding him that he isn't nominated for eviction -- the girls are -- and they (the girls) are in a much worse position than Cowboy.

WHY DIANE WON'T BE THE NEXT OPRAH
Diane goes ballistic post-meltdown, feeling the entire scene took away all the focus and power from her. She says, "It doesn't matter if I drank, she (Nakomis) stole the whole fucking show. I'm sober as a judge." Drew says that everything Nakomis said was on the mark. Diane replies, "Now I'm going home because of that performance." Drew encourages Diane not to lose heart, saying, "there will be a lot more drama between now and Thursday (when he really means Tuesday)."

WHY COWBOY WON'T BE THE NEXT MAURY
Cowboy listens to Nakomis for awhile after her rant, and then says, "Don't give up. I'm walking away because my knees are locking up."

REMEDIAL PHILOSOPHY
Cowboy wonders what prompted Nakomis' outburst. He tells Drew, "I think it's kinda weird." Drew asks, "What do you think is weird?" Cowboy says, "I wonder why she broke down. Was it because of the meat?"

YOU'RE ONLY A DAY AWAY
Drew and Diane settle down in HoH. Drew tries to make Diane feel better, telling her (without benefit of fiddle-dee-dee), "Tomorrow is another day." Diane says, "Tomorrow is day one of the next 3 1/2 days you have to stay with me until we see each other out of this place." (They still think eviction is Thursday). Drew tells her she has a bad attitude. Diane answers, "That's why I'm walking out of this door. Because of my attitude." She says, "Three days for me to think what kind of performance I need to put on."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 10, 2004

2004-09-10T08:53:00.000-04:00

Eleven days and counting. That's all that's left of the BB5 hamsters. With Karen gone, what will Cowboy, Nakomis, Drew, and Diane -- the girl most hated in all the world -- do to pass the time?

Schedule
First it's best to check the final schedule. The next eviction will be Tuesday, September 14th, immediately following a live Power of Veto Competition. On Friday, September 17th the last houseguest is evicted, leaving the fate of the final two to be decided by the jury on Tuesday, September 21st. Then....we rest. And return to Apprentice. And Survivor. And...

Shaddup Already
Diane goes into drama overdrive after Karen is evicted. She is sure everybody hates her. She knows it. She is going to eat worms. She is going to suffocate herself. She is going to hang herself. Nakomis offers to cut her down....eventually.

Shaddup Already
Diane tells BB she is ready for her close-up now. No. She tells BB she needs to go to the DR so she can vent about how people "should leave the game." Diane would never be mean like Karen was. Diane would be happy to go. Diane would hug everybody. Diane would kiss everybody. Diane was taught to be sensitive to what others are feeling. Except, evidently, live recappers, because Diane refuses to shut up.

Try, Try Again
Diane tells Cowboy she tried to throw the HoH competition so he would win. Cowboy says it's ok. He says Drew's ego just got in the way. Drew's Ego must be a euphemism for Cowboy's Ineptitude. Later, Diane, Drew and Cowboy agree that they will all have to go "balls out" for the final HoH competition. Anatomy issues aside, Cowboy tells both of them to be sure to let him win it.

Spy
Drew tells Cowboy he is going to hang around Diane a lot this week, because he doesn't want her and Nakomis to get together. Drew says he doesn't want Diane to "freak out."

vs. Spy
Nakomis, Diane and Drew sit outside. After Nakomis goes back inside, Diane says, "How long before Cowboy comes out here?" Drew says, "About 30 seconds." Sure enough, Cowboy ambles outside 30 seconds later.

The Little Table of Doom
During a long outdoor lockdown, BB replaces the kitchen table with the tiny table of impending sequester. When Drew is finally allowed to see his HoH room, Diane tells Cowboy and Nakomis, "let's pretend we don't care when he comes outside." The HoH spoils aren't that exciting 3rd time around, but do include a box of strategic-flavored Cheese Nips and sequesterlicious Gummy Bears.

BB Parannoys
Diane gets into bed with Drew (after telling her she can sleep there so long as she realizes it is a "privilege") and sings Psalm 666 entitled, "Lord, Everybody Hates Me." Diane say, "Six people are going to tear me up with questions." This is an interesting statement off the bat, because a. It assumes that Diane will be in the final two, and, b. It assumes that one person will really like her and not "tear her up." A wee bit optimistic on both counts, I think.

Last Words
Drew: (To Diane) "The people in Antarctica hate you. The people in the South Pole hate you."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 9, 2004

2004-09-09T10:37:00.000-04:00

Happy Eviction Day here at the Tuna News. Unfortunately, it seems this week's eviction will result in 25% more Cowboy next week, and 25% less poorly dyed hair. Here's to wishing they had cameras in the sequester house -- I bet it's one hell of a lot more fun than the Hamster Habitrail.

SO LONG, FAREWELL
Karen comes out of her DR session and tells Cowboy that she had to say goodbye to herself. Cowboy says he had to say goodbye to himself too. This is followed by BB messing with their minds and calling Jase to the DR.

AUF WIEDERSEN, GOODBYE
Cowboy chats with Drew in the Morgue-atorium. He tells Drew, "All I'm saying is that if she (Diane) played us this week, then you put her up on the block next to Nakomis, and she's gone.

PROJECT DNA -- DO NOT ANNOY
BB is bored. BB might be as bored as the recappers are. BB tells Drew to move his microphone, and then center it, and then count to ten. Later, out of nowehere, BB says loudly, "Michael...STOP THAT!" Cowboy yells, "What did I do?? I scratched my ass. What? I can't scratch my ass?"

JUST NOW?
Diane tells Drew, "I love him (Cowboy) to death, but he's getting on my nerves." Drew tells Diane, "You've got 24 hours to deal with it. He's getting paranoid."

PROMISES, PROMISES
After considerable whining, the hamsters somehow convince BB to play them some music (while we get the fish performing a Sonata in Sea Minor- ba-DUMP-bump). Afterwards Nakomis tells them, "Since you have the album, if you played the whole thing, we promise to stage a fight later!"

YOUR PUNCHLINE HERE
Diane: "I started thinking today and it gave me a headache."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 8, 2004

2004-09-08T09:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day here at the Tuna News. We're getting closer to the end of the line, which means things are getting pretty darn dull in the BB house. With no competitions and no nominations yesterday, what on earth did the hamsters do? Besides not much? Let's see (and no fair napping).

SO THIS IS LOVE
Drew and Diane have yet another spat of little consequence. Diane threw her cup in the sink and told Drew, "Wash this, bitch!" Drew got angry and Diane hugged him and kissed him, saying, "You're so sensitive." One. Two. Three....Hurl.

SO THIS IS LOVE
Drew gets his clean clothes back from the BB laundry service as part of his reward for winning HoH last Thursday. He lovingly hugs his towel and says, "Nice clean towel...."

OOPS, SHE DID IT AGAIN
With Marvin gone, the hamsters are left with Karen and her amazing casseroles of dubious origin. Tonight's feast is called "Oops." It has some turkeylike substance that Karen dubs the, "Angry Meat Substitute" and it also has some cheese and parsley flakes. The boys are called for dinner and Cowboy says, "Well, it looks good." Karen tells him, "It will be the best Oops you ever had." Cowboy declares it is good, and Drew goes for seconds. Meanwhile, Karen says, "Well, this will be the last time you'll have Oops in this house." Diane zings, "It looks like we have enough for the rest of the week!"

FIRST COMES OOPS, THEN COMES...
Hide and Seek. Lordy. Cowboy sits on the couch and counts to six. Nobody moves. Finally Drew joins in the game and he and Cowboy play for awhile. Cowboy practices counting to 50. Drew plays full contact extreme Hide-and-Seek and gets hurt. By a cupboard. Diane joins in and counts to 150 while the boys hide. Karen tells Diane exactly where they are. Drew calls Diane a cheater. Yes, it is all just as boring as it sounds.

REVEREND COWBOY
Cowboy provides religious instruction for the heathens. He tells them the Methodist Church is good, and it's kind of like an offspring of the Catholic Church. (Greentuna -- But do they have PIE?) However, Father Cowboy was unaware that Catholic Priests are not allowed to marry.

OOPS, I LOST MY OOPS
Cowboy says he is sexier than Patrick Swayze and could have done his role in Dirty Dancing. Well, Dirty Dancing might have needed more CowBELL, but definitely not more CowBOY.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 7, 2004

2004-09-07T11:53:00.000-04:00

Welcome to a Tuesday-Post Labor Day-Back to School edition of the TunaNews. I'm reporting from my remote location in Scottish TunaLand, where all the singers make a pilgramage each September. I'm typing on Beelzebub's new and improved Mac-type product with a screen that's bigger than my television at home. Well, not quite, but close. What happened since Bessie took yet another nose dive, Jerry's kids got over 59 million and TinyTuna started fifth grade? Let's see.

CURRENT SCORECARD
Nakomis is still HoH.
Drew and Cowboy were the original nominees.
Diane won the Veto, and used the veto on Drew, leaving
Cowboy and Karen as this week's nominees.

THE PLAN
Diane has decided her best strategy is to be a gutless wonder and lie her pants off for the remainder of the week. Since Diane and Drew are the only two hamsters voting this week, they plan to tell Karen that they are voting off Cowboy, when in fact, they are voting off Karen.

THE POWER OF THE PINKY
Forget the DNA angle for BB5. This season is all about the pinky. Diane is currently livid (is she ever any other way?) saying that Karen claimed Diane made a pinky swear. Diane says she never made a pinky swear. Never! X-nay on the Inky-Pay.

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
Nakomis hopes the vote this week will be a tie, so she can "send Cowboy packing." Karen hopes she wins HoH next week so she can put Drew and Diane up together.

HOPE SPRINGS OBVIOUS
Diane explains to Drew that she told Nakomis the vote would be unanimous, and if not, it would be a tie. With only two people voting, were there any other options? I think not. Diane explains this to Cowboy, adding that she didn't tell Nakomis for whom the unanimous vote tolls, just that it would be unanimous. Or, a tie.

LITTLE DITTY ABOUT DREW AND DIANE
Verse 1
Diane: I'm crazy about you. I'm sorry but I think you should know.
Drew I'm crazier about you.
Diane: I don't think so. I just hopt it stays that way outside the house.

Verse 2
Diane: I can't stand you.
Drew: I hate you too.
Diane: I hate you so much.
(kissing)

MEDICAL MOMENT
Recapper's Warning: This is, most likely, more information than you ever wanted to know.
Cowboy tells Drew and Diane that he really likes the Bowflex, saying that it doesn't tear up his body so much, and with his hernia, it's better. Drew asks, "You have a hernia?" Cowboy says, "Yeah! Right now! I've had surgery already." Drew asks Cowboy if he lifted something heavy. Cowboy says, "No, I got this one doing security. I'm a hard worker." Diane asks him if it hurts. Cowboy says, "Not much. It doesn't ruin your life. I just push it to the limits sometimes. Drew wonders about the surgery, asking, "What do they do? Do they take something out?" Cowboy says, "What it is, is large intestines. It helped me out, sex-wise and everything.

YOU HAVE A POINT
Karen is upset about being lied-to and back-doored. She says, "I look so dumb on TV. I'm such an idiot...a fool." Nakomis asks, "How do you think I feel?"

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO DIANE
Diane: "Nakomis and Karen think I'm a bitch. Maybe they'll see my good side too."
Diane: "I've never said anything bad about anybody. Except a couple of people."
Diane: "I've said bad things about people, but never about Drew."
Diane: "I have no way around it. I have to lie and tell Karen and Nakomis that I'm voting out Cowboy."
Diane: (To Karen) "Oh c'mon. You don't need to pack yet. Trust me!"
Diane: "I don't want to be attacked all week. I don't think Nakomis is the type to say something nasty after Karen goes. I don't even want to see her."

PARTING SHOTS
Diane explains that even after working three jobs she cannot support herself and go back to school. Karen says, "Well, you could do modeling." Nakomis adds, "Maybe, if her face clears up."

NEWS IN PROCESS

2004-09-07T10:55:00.000-04:00

A brief note to say the news will be here in just a bit.
Talk amongst yourselves.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 3, 2004

2004-09-03T09:31:00.000-04:00

It's the day after AND the day before eviction day. If we could only put BB on Fast-Forward everytime we're stuck with cards or chess or anything involving Diane, this show would be so much more interesting. Regardless, here we are and here is what we know (some of this timeline is according to HGs, so take the information with a large grain of hair-dye)

Friday, 6pm Hamster Time -- Drew Wins HoH
Time between HoH and Nominations -- 3 Hours
Friday, 9pm Hamster Time -- Drew Nominates Marvin and Diane
Next Veto Competition -- Friday Morning
Next Veto Ceremony -- Friday Noonish
Next Eviction -- To be Aired Saturday Night

GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Marvin starts ripping on the twins, saying, "Well, as long as they aren't in here, I don't care. She kill me how she try to act all sanctimonious and high and mighty, when she came in here on a lie." Karen says the only other unanimous vote was for The Don in week one. "You can say what you want, but that's a statement." Marvin tells Karen, "She's gone now, so you can talk about her. She's not gonna beat you up now."

TO THE VICTOR GO THE SPOILS
Drew's HoH goodies include more Miami of Ohio stuff, letters from home, a fresh supply of Cheez-Nips (strategic flavor), BBQ Chips and Lip Moisturizer. In his letter, his brother Ben tells him, Keep your head on straight and your clothes on.

PRE-NOMINATIONS, COWBOY-STYLE
Cowboy goes into the HoH room and asks Drew, "Should I bother to unpack?" Drew asks him to stay in HoH and help him figure out who to nominate. Cowboy quickly says, "I really don't want to be a pawn this week." Drew says, "No way, dude" and then tells Cowboy he will never put him up. Drew suggests nominating Karen and Nakomis, feeling that Marvin could be eliminated later. Cowboy, still stinging from his crushing defeat from HoH several weeks ago is desperate for Marvin to be eliminated. He tells Drew, "I want him gone, and he wants me gone, and will get me out before one of them girls."

SPEAKING OF MARVIN
Marvin tells Diane, "Girl, you've got an ass like I've never seen!" Diane asks, "Like J-Lo?" Marvin says, "No. You're like one-fourth of J-Lo's huge ass." GreenTuna starts singing "Taco Flavored Kisses" and gets FISH.

SPEAKING OF BOOTYLISCIOUS
Drew is still stinging over Adria's departure and MFMarvin. He tells Cowboy, "I can't stand the way he reacted to her! She was leaving with dignity and he spoiled it." Wow. Were Drew and I in alternate universes, or what?

SPEAKING OF BIBLE-LISCIOUS
Karen admits that she has said enough bad words for a lifetime. She says, "Maybe we should have a group Bible study tonight!" Yes, that will drive away recappers by the cubit-load.

SPEAKING OF TACO-FLAVORED KISSES
As Drew interviews the parade of potential losers, he invites Diane to the Cheez-Nip Lair. Diane says, "My turn to kiss ass." Drew replies, "Kiss it! Kiss it!" Diane goes on to do her parannoy dance. She tells Drew, "Karen and Nakomis parannoy the hell out of me! I trust Cowboy more than I trust them." She also tells Drew that Karen told her that Adria planned to "attack everyone when she left."

BAD STRATEGY - TAKE ONE
Diane leaves her less-than-productive ass-kissing session with Drew and tells the girls, "I don't care about the money. I don't care if I win or not. I only want Drew outside the house!"

BAD STRATEGY - TAKE TWO
Diane cries to Nakomis and Karen, saying, "I want you guys to know, I'm not a bitch like this outside the house."

AND THE WINNERS ARE
Drew nominates Marvin and Diane, saying first that Marvin is a salesman and is a real threat in the house. Then he says, "Diane, I put you up because I thought you were someone I could trust. And sometimes you have people you think YOU can trust but can't...and it hit close to home. I hope you understand. " Diane says, 'Uh-huh." GreenTuna just says, "Huh?"

POST-NOMINATION LETDOWN
Diane: "I'm so tired of Drew blaming everything that goes on in this house on me."
Drew: (Looking heavenward) "I hope I made the right decision."
Jesus: "You're on your own, bro. I got a team that would be in first place right now if they would have only cut their hair. Now I have to come up with some cash. First loaves and fishes, now this. Why aren't people ever prepared?"

COWBOY SONGS
Verse 1
Marvin approaches Cowboy after nominations and tells him, "I need your help, Homey. I kept you in (the game) several times. I need your help." Cowboy tells Marvin not to give up.
Chorus
And then Cowboy beats a path for Drew and repeats the entire conversation.

Verse 2
Diane, upset after her nomination, rants outside about Drew. She tells everybody NOT to use the Veto because she knows she's safe, and she wants to get Drew out next week.
Chorus
And then Cowboy beats a path for Drew and repeats the entire conversation.

Bridge
Cowboy tells Drew he is so much more of a man, and Drew is learning how to be one.

Verse 3
Cowboy tells Drew what he did (with the nominations) was smart, because, "that's just what I would have done." Cowboy also says, if he doesn't win the next HoH, they are gone. Cowboy says if he is meant to win, he will win, but admits that if he does, he will cry non-stop.
Chorus
And then Cowboy rehashes the entire conversation.
Coda
Cowboy: "And this is just between you and me."
Drew: "Of course, dude."

WINK-WINK, NUDGE-NUDGE, SAY NO MORE
Post-nominations, Drew and Diane talk in the HoH room. Diane asks Drew if he trusts her. Drew doesn't really respond. Diane pouts, "I feel like I'm talking to a different person." Drew asks Diane if she has any acting skills. Diane, just not getting it, says, "Do you think I would be on BB if I was? No, I'm not an actor." Then she says, "If you want me to act, I need to know what kind of show is going on. Is that what you want me to do?" Lucky for her Drew doesn't say, "It's the Diane is an IDIOT show!" Diane tells Drew, "Just say it!" Drew says, "I don't want to say it!" Then (because she STILL doesn't get it) he finally says, "Hopefully, by doing this, we won't seem so close. We need to stop sleeping together. We need to stop...whatever. Do you get what I'm saying?" Diane says, "I understand. I think."

LAST ACTION HERO
Marvin starts packing. Again. Very expertly.

FINAL WORDS
Marvin: (After listening to Karen's giggles) "I'm not going to miss that damn laugh."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 2, 2004

2004-09-02T08:22:00.000-04:00

It's Thursday, and that means it's finally eviction day in the BB house. All of Adria's bags are packed, and she's ready to go. So, git out the house, Klaus. Off to sequester, Lester. It's time to set Adria free...

HEY, BIG SPENDER
Diane, Nakomis, Drew and MFMarvin talk about who pays for what on dates. Nakomis and Diane say they often pay or at least split the costs. Nakomis asks, "Any of you guys offended when a chick pays for a date?" Drew says no. Marvin adds, "Hell no! Offend me!!"

MOMENT OF COMMON SENSE
Adria tells Karen the other HGs don't think about their behavior. She says, "It doesn't matter how they treat you the whole time, it's the way they make you feel when you leave the house."

COWBOY, YOU'VE BEEN PHILIMINATED
Now Cowboy wants to go on The Amazing Race. He says he hopes that the daily stipend for Amazing Race is more than $1000 a day. Cowboy explains the premise of the show to Adria, saying, "They give you three days to get somewhere. Or two. Or one."

MONA LISA RUN AWAY
Mona Lisa isn't smiling anymore. Cowboy espouses his love for Julia Roberts, saying, "I would love to do a film with her, because she's more my age."

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT?
It was a big night for Cowboy the Acteur. He tells Adria that she and Natalie have potential in the entertainment industry, because of they way they pulled off the twist. Cowboy says lots of people love to have twins in movies, especially identical twins. (They do? I can't think of any outside of the Olsen twins)

BEST CAST EVER
Cowboy tells Adria he thinks the BB5 cast has more chance than any other of breaking into Hollywood. He says, "I think I have a chance. I'm not trying to brag. I can do so much. I'd rather do romance, but I can be Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey kind of style."

CASTING COUCH
Cowboy tells Adria that he can "find a spot" for the twins in his sitcom. He says CBS wouldn't pick up his current idea, but HBO might. He tells Adria, "On the big screen, you and I are more friends. I think we could do a comedy together, but I don't feel a romance between you and I on the screen. " He says Drew would play his best friend. Jase would be the weird, crazy guy. Cowboy says, "He would play that good because he's cocky. He's a cocky guy. I could put that in somewhere. Maybe a cocky server. Or a cocky coffee shop attendant." Will will be the gay guy, because, as Cowboy says, "You always have to have a gay guy!"

I HATE SPUNK
Cowboy says Diane would play the "spunky florist." Cowboy says, "I see spunk in her, because she has it." He adds, "It would be a little scene, but it could be HUGE."

SAVED BY THE ON/OFF SWITCH
Adria asks Cowboy what the premise of his show might be. He doesn't understand the question, so Adria explains the premise of friends is a group of friends, two apartments, hanging out at the coffee shop. Cowboy says YEAH! He wants it to be like that. Then he says maybe everyone would go to the same college. Cowboy says, "more of a Saved by the Bell kind of show." It sounds more like a This Old Sitcom kind of show.

DON'T FORGET THE SINGING CAREER
Cowboy tells Adria he is going to send some of his Country-Western songs to Breck (Natalie's husband). Adria gently says, "I think you should focus on one thing at a time." Cowboy ignores her, saying, "I have a lot of dreams. I think I could throw a country song together and still do my acting. I say I can do a country song because my life is a country song. I have a tear in my beer and that kind of situation."

NEXT, BB -- THE MOVIE
Adria tells Cowboy that maybe they would make a Big Brother MOVIE! (After Anaconda 2 and Superbabies 2, I don't put anything past anybody) Cowboy says, "I would do it!! If I could play a different character." Adria asks, "Who would you play?" He answers, "Probably Cowboy."

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BB
Cowboy: "You know really scares me is people wanting my sperm and DNA."
Marvin: "I won't give Adria a sympathy vote, but I'll give her a sympathy f***"
Diane: "You think I have a short fuse, because you have the longest fuse in the world."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 1, 2004

2004-09-01T10:04:00.000-04:00

It's a slightly later edition of the Tuna News because hey, everybody has to work once in awhile. Flip the calendar because we're in the home stretch. It's the final month of strategerie and parannoying hamsters. What happened overnight in the BB house? Let's see.

DEAR DIARY
The hamsters are told they will each be allowed to write a thank-you letter to the fans of House Calls. Cowboy has no idea what House Calls is, so Marvin tells him he thinks it is a fan site that Marcellas hosts. BB says they have a 100-character limit. Marvin thinks it should be closer to 500. Confusion does the cha-cha as the hamsters don't know if their limit is 100 characters in total (15 each) or 100 characters each. Due to a lack of character and numbers that exceed fingers and toes, the HGs decide to combine their characters and write one big letter.

DRAFT ONE
Nakomis suggests:
"Living in this house is making us crazy. Writing this letter is the only thing making us sane. Thanks for giving us this chance. Send beer."

DRAFT TWO
Suggestions ooze from the hamsters, including

"Dear fans, We don't know you, but you know us."
"Hello people who dedicate their lives to watching this show."
"Michael and Marvin would first like to thank you for giving them America's Choice. Thank you for all the interest you have shown us via the Internet."
"All 12 of you all. We appreciate you all."
"There are some things in life that you may take for granted that we would pay to have right now."

Fingers and toes tell the hamsters they have exceeded their 100 character limit after the first sentence.

DRAFT THREE
Dear Fans, AKA Stalkers,
Michael and Marvin would like to thank you all for America's Choice. Living in this house has made us clinically insane. Here are some things we miss in the house: (long list, read fast) being able to walk around naked, stairs, strippers for Marvin. Thanks for watching. See you on the outside.

BB says SHORTER.

DRAFT FOUR
Dear Stalkers:
We love you. Thanks for the support. Would rather be there than here.
Love,
The Surviving 7

DRAFT FIVE
Dear Stalkers,
We love you. Thanks for your support. Better you there than here. See you on the outside.
Love,
The Surviving 7

HOOP DREAMS
The hamsters get ANOTHER new game! It's a ball-through-the hole type game. Slightly smaller than a basketball, the ball must bounce in the special zone only once, and then must go through a hole in a slanted board. You might think this sounds like fun, but the introduction of yet another game parannoys the HGs and sends them into a tizzy.

LOONY BIN -- NO WAITING
Adria goes off the deep end and practices the ball game forever, all the while, muttering to herself. She says, "Production didn't check to see which twin left the house last week. I'm really Natalie." Then she says, "BB, call me into the DR so I have someone to talk to. These people are already referring to me as gone."

PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 1
Karen and Nakomis think that things are disappearing from around the house. They also think certain items have been changed. Karen looks at something in the Living Room and says, "Didn't this used to be GREEN?" They agree not to tell Diane their suspicions, because they don't trust her.

PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 2
The hamsters come up with a conspiracy theory surrounding the ball game. They think they are due for a twist, and perhaps there will be a double elimination week. With the addition of Natalie, they wonder when the game will end. Marvin says he was told it will definitely end September 25th.

PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 3
Diane, Karen and Nakomis discuss Adria and think that she and Natalie both work for CBS. Karen says, "CBS spent a lot of money and made a lot of effort into getting the twins here." Karen thinks with the addition of the new game, maybe this week will be a "Super Veto." Nakomis says if that happens, she will go apeshit.

THAT WHICH SHALL NOT BE RECAPPED
I've had it up to here (hand at eyeball level) with Diane and Drew's argument of the day. Suffice it to say, yesterday, they sniped at each other. All day. Over everything and nothing. Stupid stuff. Parannoying stuff. At the end of the day they made up. Sort of. But the staff at the Tuna News simply doesn't give a rats behind anymore. So, to sum up today's fight, Diane doesn't trust Drew. Drew is tired of Diane. Yada. Yada. Yada.

THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS
Cowboy interrogates Drew about shaving. He asks Drew if a lot of models shave their body hair. Drew says yes. Cowboy says, "See, I couldn't be a model, because I wouldn't want to shave."

THEY SAID IT
Marvin: "There is nothing I like to do better after a good ole country meal than go outside and throw a ball through a hole."
Karen: "Adria thinks we're all going to hell."
Adria: "Nobody even acknowledges me all week long. It's immature. Honestly, I haven't done anything to anybody in this house. It's not like I'm Jase, like the Satan of the house."
Drew: "I've never bullcrapped you."
Adria: "What the hell. I'm going to start harassing people before I leave."
Diane: "Goodnight, Jerkface."
Drew: "Bitch."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 31, 2004

2004-08-31T09:05:00.000-04:00

Well, we have it all today. Fighting, name-calling, and an electro-shock party game. Who could ask for anything more? Adria tries to pick a fight, Diane is ready to clean her clock, Drew won't eat olives and Cowboy continues to retool the English language. What were the haps in the BB house?

THE AMERICAN DREAM
Drew tells Diane that his plan is to own car washes or storage facilities and then install cameras so he can watch over his business on a PDA while he's at the golf course. Diane asks where his wife would be, and Drew says, "Shopping."

THAT'S LUCKY?
Drew and Diane plot end-game. Diane says they will have to be careful what they do and say. She thinks they will need to be lucky. Drew says he's lucky...once he won Britney Spears tickets!

CRUEL TO BE KIND
Karen, this weeks veto winner, chose not to use the power of veto. Adria, the veto loser (and soon to be ex-hamster) begins her downward spiral. Diane tells Karen that Adria needs to stop pouting. Karen says she could have handled the veto in many ways, but she chose to be kind.

TRUTH HURTS
The HGs decide to play euchre, so Drew sits down to teach Cowboy. Diane mutters much too loudly that Cowboy won't be able to learn it. Cowboy hears her and actually takes offense, telling Diane that her comment was rude. Diane does a frantic backpedal, saying Euchre is a hard game and it took her awhile to learn how to play it, and she didn't mean the comment "in that way." Nice try.

PAGING BEN FRANKLIN
BB decides the hamsters are too lethargic, so they get a new game. It's called Lightning Reaction and the end result is the loser(s) get an electric shock. Fun for the whole family!! The hamsters, already immune to pain after spending two months in the BB house decide electroshock therapy is just what they need. Let the games begin!

The game is played by 2-4 people. Each takes a joystick out of the circular base. The game is started by pressing the center button. A green light turns on and suspensful music begins to play. As soon as the light turns red, all players must hit the button on their joystick. The idiot to do so gets an electric shock. In addition, if you click too early (before the light turns red) you also get shocked. Sounds like fun? Well, it did to them.

Cowboy: "I think I got stimulated!"
Diane: "I think I lost a few brain cells!"

Dr. Monroe: This is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all! And won't that be wonderful Homer?
Homer: Oh yes, doctor! [zaps Bart]
Bart: Oh! [presses button]
Lisa: Owwww!
Marge: [scornfully] Bart! How could you shock you little sister?
Bart: My finger slipped. [zapped] Whaaaaagh!
Lisa: So did mine! [zapped by Bart] Aigh! [she retaliates]
Bart: Arggh! [zaps Lisa again]
Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [zaps both]
-- At Doctor Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy.
Episode 104, "There's No Disgrace Like Home''

It could be the one and only time I wish Scott and Jase were still in the house.

PREPPY CHEF
Drew and Cowboy go outside for some burger grilling action. Marvin comes out and says, "Woah! Pretty boys can cook?" Drew says, "Well, not as well as you can." Marvin says, "I have to cook for soap stars...you just have to cook for ex-strippers." Nakomis orders one burger, but Karen says she is watching her weight. Marvin says, "What?? After all that chocolate and shit she's been eating??" Cowboy replies, "Oh well, you know. She's percentages." (whu?)

WITH A NUDGE NUDGE HERE
Adria decides to stir things up outside. From out of nowhere she says, "So, how long have you two (Drew and Diane) been dating?" They try to laugh it off, but Adria pushes things, saying, "From the beginning?" They say not really. Adria asks if they will see each other after the show and if they have any plans. General non-committal banter ensues, heavily laced with a none of your business attitude, but Adria goes for the gusto, saying, "Well it seems like you guys fight all day, but I guess when you go to bed, y'all make up there, right?"

AND A NUDGE NUDGE THERE
Marvin joins in a little, and asks if they (Drew and Diane) get on each other's nerves. Diane says sometimes, and Marvin jokes that it just must be Diane getting on Drew's nerves. Drew quietly says, "not really." Adria snipes, "Boy, you in deep if she ain't gotten on your nerves."

POP! GOES THE WEASEL
As soon as Adria gets up and leaves, Diane blows her ever living stack. "What did I ever do to her? I don't appreciate her in my business!" Then Diane goes after Drew, saying, "You could have helped out more." Drew (Indian Name: Cowers without Balls) says, "Uh...I was trying to help you."

WHEN IN DOUBT, DRINK
BB, sensing that fun times are ahead, fills the storage room with Demon Alky-hol. Diane comes out and says, "Who wants to see a chick fight tonight?" Marvin advises Diane to cool it, saying, "Just tell her (Adria) her ass is gone on Thursday, so she can say whatever she likes." Diane, not understanding second grade playground behavior, wails, "What does she want from me, though?" Cowboy says, "To push your buttons. And you let it happen." Nakomis says, "This is why she (Adria) doesn't talk to me. Because I'll take a weight and whip her across the head."

PEBBLY-POO
Diane tells the HGs that her nickname in high school was "Pebbles" because she wore her hair in a high ponytail. The hamsters discuss The Flintstones and Karen tries to remember the name of Martian. Nakaomis says she finally remembers...Adam Ant!

No. No. No. Amateurs. It was The Great Gazoo.

NO PAIN, NO GAIN
Cowboy says he wants to soak Nakomis and Diane with the hose. BB comes on the horn and says no, because they have their mics on. Cowboy says, "We know that." Karen says, "All they care about is the mics. We can crack our skulls open." Drew yells, "Take it out of my stipend. It will be worth it!"

NOTABLE QUOTABLES
Diane: "I'm high maintenance for a couple things, but mainly I'm low maintenance."
Cowboy: "Ever since that week he (Marvin) wouldn't let me have HoH I haven't liked him."
Karen: "I haven't talked to Diane. She doesn't conversate with me much."
Diane: "Both of my parents are psycho."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 30, 2004

2004-08-30T08:37:00.000-04:00

Time to charge head-on into another Monday morning here at the Tuna News. Now that the Olympics are put to bed, it's time to watch the Hamsters and see who will be the Gold Medal winner of the Stupidity Steeplechase. What's the latest in the house? Let's see.

CURRENT SCORECARD
MFMarvin is the current HoH.
Cowboy and Adria were nominated for eviction. Adria was furious. Cowboy was...Cowboy.
Karen won veto and spends every living moment avoiding Adria.
Cowboy won BB's choice to receive a phonecall from home. Surely America wasn't that stupid.

1-800-CALLCOWB
Cowboy rehashes his phone call on and on and on, winning him no friends whatsoever. Cowboy made April cry. Cowboy made Chasen cry. April told Cowboy he had "streaked enough." AMEN SISTER. After his phone call he kept asking Drew, "Did you talk to anybody today? I DID!"

THERE GOES THAT AD CAMPAIGN
Diane talks about adding salt to her beer. Marvin takes a sip and says it gags him. Then he notices the beer is a Heineken, and says, "Damn, Heineken already tastes like mule piss!"

BITTERCAKES ALA DREW
Drew is one unhappy puppy lately. He talks with Cowboy and asks, "Who is the strongest alliance in the house?" Cowboy, not understanding that alliance requires more than one person, says, "Marvin." Drew asks, "And who?" Cowboy says, "Diane?" Drew coolly says, "we are on the same page." To ever be on the same page with Cowboy seems a scary thought, but be that as it may, Drew sums it up with, "Marvin is next. He got out for a day. Screw him."

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT TWIN BEHIND THE CURTAIN
Adria and Drew have a complain-fest. Drew, anxious to be just like whomever he is speaking too, blasts Diane, Marvin and Karen in turn. Marvin is cocky. Diane is cocky. Diane is a stubborn bitch. Adria tells Drew if Karen wins HoH, she knows who she will put up. Adria says she knows who EVERYBODY would put up. It's amazing that one can be so smart regarding everyone else, yet so self-unaware. Adria says she hopes the vote will be a tie so Marvin will have to break that tie. Unless Adria has a couple more identical siblings around, she doesn't have much of a chance.

MORALITY: 1 ADRIA: 0
Adria continues her rant to Drew about all the secrets that she knows about other people. She says right now she is "holding it in." She says she wants to tell them everything...about all the deception, but she is "battling her morality" in regards to telling everybody's secrets.

WORST EXCUSE EVER
After forever, Diane finally busts into Adria/Drew conversation. Diane apologized, saying she waited as long as she could, but she needs her shoes. Thinking Diane might get the gold medal for stupid excuses, Adria tells Diane she and Drew were "having a private conversation about the Olsen Twins."

BETTER THINK TWICE
Diane tells Marvin, "I would love to get a letter from Lindsey (her twin) to see what she thinks about me. "

CONSPIRACY THEORY #333
Marvin thinks that Adria is really....TRIPLETS! Diane and Nakomis talk him into going to the Diary Room to ask. He does, and claims they never gave him a straight answer.

HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN
The other HGs run down all of Adria's annoying sayings and behaviors. Marvin says, "I gave her (Adria) a chance to get herself off the block, and she didn't do it. " Karen thinks the twins were unsportsmanly when they were in power. Marvin says, "And that's why they're going out the door...the way she played Will and me, wanting us to grovel." Diane says, "She was the only HoH to actually lock the door on us." Marvin imitates Adria, saying, "Now it's time to play the game and have your integrity rise to the top." Nakomis says, "Last I checked, begging isn't competing."

BB5 T-SHIRT BONANZA
Nakomis, Karen and Marvin talk about making BB5 Tshirts with some of their favorite sayings:
"You and Me to the End!"
"Jesus Loves Me -- Read This Bible Verse -- Adria needs to be in the BB House!"
"Jesus Told Me To Put You Up"
"Jesus Wants You to Use the Veto"

WE DIDN'T DO IT, HONEST!
Karen, Marv, Diane and Nakomis cannot believe that America chose Cowboy to get the phonecall from home. GreenTuna proudly states that none of her votes went to Cowboy, and attributes this win to the almighty power of BB5's philosophy of "Vote all you like. We're gonna do whatever we want anyway." (See: Robert, BB4) Karen asks, "What does America see that made them fall for that shit in the first place? What do they see? Because THIS (Cowboy) 24/7 is intolerable!" Diane says, "His Acting?? Don't go there!" Karen asks, "What kind of pre-med? He said that and when he saw our faces, he changed the subject."

HE AIN'T STOOPID, HE'S MY BROTHER
The foursome from above wonder if Cowboy as stupid as he seems, or if it is all an act. Marvin thinks that nobody can act THAT dumb ALL the time. Nakomis says she knows a lot of people like Cowboy in Texas.

NEXT VICTIM
Karen goes into the bedroom to endure another Adria peptalk/tongue lashing/Bible session. Today's strategy:
1. GUILT HER Adria tells Karen, "Both Natalie and I tried to reach out to you for weeks. WEEKS!"
2. CONFUSE HER Adria tells Karen, "Maybe I play differently. I wanted people to come to me to use the veto, but NONE of them would do it." Karen says, "I heard them do it." Adria replies, "If you sit on the bus and never get off, who knows where you're gonna end up?"
3. THREATEN HER Adria tells Karen, "If you get rid of me, I can't help you. You gotta know there are other cut-throat people in this house."
4. INSULT HER Karen tells Adria, "You can read me like a book." Adria replies, "Maybe I'm reading the wrong pages." Adria says, "All I think about is, 'How can I help Karen get farther in the game?'" Karen says, "Everyone in the house is up to something. I have to be careful. I have to take baby-steps. Adria says, "You're not a leader? Have you ever been a leader in your life??"

TAKE A NUMBER
Cowboy joins the crowd outside and says, "I feel sorry for Karen. She's getting pounded by Adria." Drew says he already put in his time. He asks, "What did I put in tonight? An hour and a half??"

THREE IDEA PILE-UP
Karen tells Adria that she needs to think about her own fate before voting. She says she "lives in her head." Adria tells her, "That's why you gotta lay this out. Clear your head. Stuff piles up in there."

SO MUCH FOR ROCKET SCIENCE
Nakomis asks Diane, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Diane says, "Nothing." Nakomis asks, "Then why are you going to college?" Diane replies, "That's my biggest regret. Going to college." Nakomis says her biggest regret is NOT going to college. Diane says, "You're not missing anything. It's a big waste of time." Diane and Cowboy share stories of taking pre-college level math (courses you must take, pay for, and pass, but do not receive any college credit). Nakomis calls the classes, "Algebra for people who didn't pay attention in High School." Cowboy believes he will get a full scholarship to school to study acting. He says if he doesn't get "offered anything" then he will pursue a degree in directing and producing.

THEY SAID IT
Adria: "Sometimes I have trouble getting my words out."
April (Cowboy's fiancee) told Cowboy, "My Daddy said if you don't stop crying, he's going to put a boot up your butt."
Cowboy: "I thought April and Chasen might be caught crying on camera, so I tried to be respective on her end."
Drew: "This pinky thing is gonna have to crumble."
Nakomis: "If the twins vote for me (to win the entire game) I'll buy them something shiny!"
Adria: "I try to talk to Nakomis, but she treats me like a puff of smoke."
Karen: "The early bird poops on the Buick."
Adria: (To Karen) "I've been totally open with you. Except for that little bit of time in the middle."
Adria: "I have better reasons than money to be here. I'm a southern, Christian, caring woman. I'd rather sit here with a good name than be worrying about riches. Proverbs 22."

PARTING SHOTS
Diane: "Tomorrow I'm going to baste in the sun."
Drew: "Bask."
Diane: "Bast??"

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 27, 2004

2004-08-27T09:17:00.000-04:00

We made it to the end of another work week. Marvin was MFMarvelous on "The Young and the Restless" and Natalie got a one-way ticket to Casa de Pissed off Will. Now that Marv is king of the castle, what fun and games happened last night in the BB House?

PREGAME JITTERS
Before the live show on Thursday, most of the HGs were chugging beers to "calm them down." It's unknown if Julie Chen had too many beers, or not enough, because after the live show was over, Diane said, "I heard Julie Chen say who was evicted while I was still in the Diary Room!"

KIBBLES AND BITS
Drew loves Uncle Ben. Well, he loves his wild rice. He eats it right out of the bag. Eat Drew, Eat. Maybe Drew dreams of being an Uncle Ben's Wild Rice Spokesperson. Diane and Nakomis walk over to Drew and proclaim that Uncle Ben's Wild Rice tastes like dog food. Marvin agrees. Watch Drew's contract go up in flames. Burn baby, Burn! Diane goes for the kill by saying, "I used to work in a dog kennel and I know what shit smells like!"

EVICTION SCORECARD
Diane and Nakomis think that anybody nominated with either Adria or Cowboy will survive the week. Nakomis tells Diane that if Drew and Diane were nominated, Diane would stay in the house.

NAKOMIS, YOU ARE SAFE
Marvin takes Nakomis aside and tells her she will be safe this week. He tells her she is "straight up" and plays the game "balls out."

BB WORKOUT PALACE
Karen tells Marvin they are going to turn the morgue into a workout room. Marvin says he'd still rather sleep on a slab or on the floor. Karen asks, "Don't you want to sleep in comfort?" Marvin says after his HoH week he wants to return to the morgue and "rough it." He thinks it makes him strong.

MR. KNOW-IT-ALL
Cowboy begins imparting all his wisdom on television, actors, and the Hollywood scene. How well does he do?
1. He tells Diane that if she does a soap, she'll be in LA.
Ain't necessarily so. Many soaps and daytime shows are produced in New York, including One Life to Live, As the Word Turns, and All My Children.
2. He tells Diane that CBS has "Survivor" and NBC has "Fear Factor"
Correct.
3. He tells Diane that NBC has "The Bachelor"
Wrongo. ABC

After going 1-3 in Television trivia, Cowboy says he wants to be on Young and the Restless. Then he goes back to beating the sitcom horse. He tells Diane he still wants her to be in his sitcom as "the flower shop girl." He says in a sitcom you work for three months and then they pay you all year because you're the star and they need you. But with a movie they pay you enough for you to live off of for two years. Cowboy then tells Nakomis she should be in movies. She tells him, "I'm not an actor." (HOORAY!!) Cowboy tells Nakomis that she should be in scary movies about witches and things like that. Please, somebody evict this boy.

CALLING DR. RUTH
Cowboy says the best sex is when it is raining outside. Mmmmmkay.

I WANT AN OOMPAH LOOMPAH
AND I WANT IT NOW!!
Cowboy thinks BB should give them a "family day" where everybody gets to come into the house for a visit. GreenTuna snorts Diet Coke. Diane says she'd rather have a clothes day than a family day. She'd rather get a new outfit than see Lindsey. Niiiiice.

THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS MY BOUNTY
Marvin gets a Prince CD and gets ready to party like it's 1999. He also received a letter from home. His letter says the lawn has been cut, the animals were fed and watered, and "the funeral director was "lit" as usual." They got a new hearse, and replaced the wall in the embalming room. The letter also says, "We know this will probably get edited. Hope you get to read the good parts." Marvin says, "Yeah, you all edited that." He tells the HGs that his mom and his aunt read tea leaves to know what's going to happen. Later, Marvin chills out in the HoH room, listening to his music, eating chips and drinking a beer. He says, "Thank you, Jesus!" (Jesus: No problem, bro. I got twelve hours to eat, sleep, and mingle)

NEXT UP: LOAVES AND FISHES
Two bottles of air freshener appear. The hamsters say they all like Diane because when she asks for things, they suddenly appear.

DIANE, YOU ARE SAFE
Marvin pulls Diane aside. She says, "tell me what you want done. I have the power." He tells her she is safe this week, if she guarantees his safety next week if she wins HoH. He tells her she is a cool chick, and he respects how she plays the game. Marvin says "You protect me, and I'll protect you." They bump fists, and it's a done deal. For anybody keeping score that leaves Cowboy, Drew, Adria and Karen as potential nominees.

SAVAGE JUNIOR, WE HARDLY KNEW YE
Savage Junior goes out in a blaze of glory on the outdoor grill. Nakomis and Diane hum "Taps" and Nakomis does a 21-gun salute. Cowboy says, "They always cremate the heroes." Um, no.

WHAT WOULD JULIA DO?
Marvin and the other hamsters cook up some quesadillas for dinner. Nakomis uses a heavy hand with the cayenne pepper. Marvin tells her not to put in any more cayenne, saying, "There's a difference between spicy and need a new asshole!" He tells Nakomis to put some flame retardant on his.

TWINS REVISITED
Karen says that when Scott was voted out, it was a clean break and everybody started over again. But when Natalie was evicted, we still have all this emotional baggage (Adria).
The Hamsters agree that Natalie was a "Female Jase." What a horrible thought THAT is.
Nakomis rants about Adria's nomination of Marvin and Will (the black guy and the gay guy) and her rationale that "Jesus told her to do it." Nakomis says, "We're all the same. Cut us and we all bleed red." I SWEAR they used that line on Star Trek.

RECAPPING PROPS
Sometimes you just can't improve on the material given to you. Huge props to tntaangela over at Jokers, who wrote, "Karen tries to form some tears as Adria cried about her sister being gone, but realized they weren't coming, gave up, and went back to eating."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 26, 2004

2004-08-26T09:44:00.000-04:00

Happy eviction day! Tonight we'll say seeya to either Cowboy or Natalie. I cannot remember many times I have rooted for Cowboy, but today I'm willing to make an exception. Here's to hoping for one less twin in the Big Brother house.

CSI : HABITRAIL
Tired of attacking each other, the hamsters focus on the dead dragonfly, which they have decided to call "Savage Junior." Dead bugs. Scott. Dead bugs. Scott. I can see that. Marvin goes all CSI on the HGs asking each where they were at the time of his demise. Tired of filming card games and undercover smooching, the Diary Room people ask Marvin about having a funeral. Marvin tells the other hamsters that "At 8:30 pm, Savage Junior went to glory." I'm thinking that's one BIG step up.

A FEW LAME HAMSTERS
In the midst of his CSI interrogation, Marvin begins to question Karen. Marvin yells, "I want the TRUTH!" Karen yells, "You can't HANDLE the TRUTH!" Marvin asks Karen if she ordered the "Code Red" on Savage Junior. Karen yells, "You're damn right I did! And I'd do it again!!" Karen adds, "I was jealous. I wanted the string around my ass, but I was too fat to fly."

SAVAGE JUNIOR, R.I.P.
The hamsters find a box in which to place Savage Junior and they pretend to hug and cry while the former dragonfly is laying in state on the Kitchen Table. Marvin places some flowers by his box. Adria walks by, takes one look at the setup and says, "that's silly." One of the HGs asks Marvin if they contacted his relatives. Marvin says, "It's hard when you get one that goes out like that. So fast -- just one day in the house. Some folks just aren't cut out for the BB house."

NAKOMIS, CHIEF ENTOMOLOGIST
Nakomis determines the dragonfly died from the cold temperature in the house. She says in San Antonio dragonflies live in 115-degree heat, but as soon as it cools down, they die. They know the BB house is set at 68 degrees, and then Cowboy laid a damp cloth on top of it.

COWBOY -- SUPERHERO
The girls start screaming. Again. They saw a spider. They yell for Cowboy to come over and get it, calling him "Spiderman."

WINDMILLS AND GORILLAS
Tomorrow's HoH competition will be based somehow on putt-putt golf. The hamsters are given a practice area with ramps, etc. It will be based on accuracy. Maybe Bob Barker will show up and give a practice putt to "show them how it's done."

I WANT MY MTV
The hamsters play a regrettable round of MTV and 80s trivia. They wonder who did the video "Money for Nothing." Karen convinces the houseguests dumber than she is (meaning, everyone in this case) that it was the group Men at Work. Poor Karen. It wasn't Men at Work. They live in the land down under and eat vegemite sandwiches. Correct answer: Dire Straits.

LAST DITCH EFFORT
Natalie corners Karen in the shower and goes at it yet again. The arguments are as followed:
1. Old vs. Young -- Natalie complains that she is afraid the "youngsters" are going to win the game. She and Karen are old and married (she says, "we are the only old bags") , and therefore, somehow, inexplicably, more deserving of the money.
2. You're Safe -- Natalie promises Karen that she'd be safe if she kept Natalie. She tells Karen, "If I stay and get HoH next week, I won't put you up. If I go, you may go the week after me. Or you may be staying."
3. Jesus is her Co-Pilot -- Natalie tells Karen that she knows the vote is difficult this week. She says she doesn't want Karen to tell her her vote because Natalie lets the Lord come to her to help her.
4. She is her own person -- Natalie cries that she is an individual. She says she and Adria lead separate lives. She says she can't help it that Adria decided to be her friend in the game.
5. Don't Hate Her Because She's Strong -- Natalie complains that she is sick of being stereotyped because she is so strong.
6. Nobody Knows The Trouble She Seen -- Natalie tells Karen that she wouldn't believe what Natalie has "been through" while at the house. Natalie believes that people have put her through a great deal of hardships.
7. Can I Get an "Amen?" -- Natalie says despite it all, she just keeps sending up her prayers every day.
8. Oh, And One More -- In case you missed it, Natalie tells Karen (probably for the twentieth or so time during this conversation) she hopes she considers what she has told her. She says, "I am doing this because Jesus wants me to (Jesus: Holy Cripes. I'm a little busy over here. Pass the caviar. And the ostrich eggs). I do not break my word when I give it. I DON'T BREAK MY WORD!!"

BEST LINE EVER
At the end of the full on Natalie assault, Karen sums up the conversation with a straight-faced, "And thanks for the no pressure thing."

WORTHLESS HAMSTER TRIVIA
Nakomis was home-schooled.
Cowboy's birthday is December 12th.

AS THE HoH TURNS
Natalie and Adria slam on Nakomis. Natalie says there was no reason to talk to Nakomis this week. She says, "I talked to her the last two weeks and it grossed me out. She thinks she is queen of the house now." Oh, and Natalie tells Adria that she is only here because Jesus wants her to do this. (Jesus: Uh, Natalie? I gotta get gas for Brandon's bus ride. Please take a number).

MARRIED TO THE MOB
Nakomis revisits the pinky swear. She tells Karen that if Natalie leaves, then Adria will have "paid" her finger, and they will be square. Nakomis says, "I'll tell her (Adria) 'you can hold a grudge if you want, but if you're going to hold a grudge and lie to me and say you won't, don't be around me.'" Thank goodness THAT was cleared up.

MAFIA, MARTHA STUART STYLE
Nakomis worries about Drew and his vote. She says, "If he goes back on his word I am going to let him know the game is on between me and him. If I keep getting lied to, pillowcases are going to end up over people's head."

DEAD TWIN WALKING
Sister Natalie gets the last word today, as she tells Adria, "Someone asked me before I came into the game, 'Why are you taking in your Bible? Don't you think that it will be threatening to others?' Natalie answered, "Heck yes. Anyone who stands for God will take hits."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 25, 2004

2004-08-25T08:51:00.000-04:00

It's the Wednesday edition of the TunaNews. The place where all your BB information is tossed into a blender and served with a slice of lemon. Before we get to today's dribble, The TunaNews must make a correction regarding a previous post and the apparent mix-up of OSU and OU. Cowboy and the championship football team represented the great institution of OU. GO OU!! Apologies to all those Oklahoma fans on either side of the interstate. As one who constantly has to hear about that nasty school down the road that likes to call itself THE University of Mitten, I know how old that can get.

That being said, let's see what mischief those hamsters were up to yesterday.

A BUG'S LIFE
In an effort to alleviate the crushing boredom of the house, the hamsters decide to torture bugs. They catch a dragonfly, tie a string around it for a leash, and parade it around the house as their "pet." They drag it into the Diary Room, and also put it on Diane's back to scare her. Not surprisingly, the dragonfly...dies. Cowboy attempted to save it by putting a damp paper towel over it, but evidently wet smothering was not exactly therapeutic.

TINY BUBBLES
In an effort to give the hamsters something to do that doesn't death, BB gives them bubbles. The HGs are less than thrilled with this gift, saying they'd rather have beer. They wonder if Play-Doh is next.

SEQUESTER INFORMATION
Karen says that she has learned that the evicted hamsters are not allowed to talk about the game with the other losers, er...evicted hamsters. The outcasts will only be allowed to see competitions while in the sequester house.

THE YOUNG AND THE HEARTLESS
The hamsters are given the opportunity to see Marvin's big Y&R scene (or so we imagine, based on fish and the conversation that followed). The twins remember that Scott said he was a pool boy, and they wonder if he would still be a pool boy if he went on Y&R. One of the twins comments, "That was the most country club type gym I've ever seen." Nakomis admits, "I don't know what I would have done on that show. Is there a tattoo parlor nearby?"

WE'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT
If it's 4:30, it must be time for Cowboy to be an actor. He says he wants to do a movie with Julia Roberts. Ever the magnanimous thespian, he says he would be in any move she would want him to be in, so producers..."hook me up!"

TWO WORDS: "SHUT UP"
If it's Tuesday it must be time for the twins to start badmouthing someone. Today's victim is Drew...and everybody else. Drew is scared. Drew is childish. Natalie says, "Two words: Twenty-Two." Damn that Drew for being twenty-two. Now the twins go after everybody else. People talk bad about production when they should be thankful they have this opportunity. People in the house are immature. It's worse than college days. It's a diaper fest. It's high school. They say they feel like they're stuck in teenville with teenyboppers.

DUELING DUMMIES
Cowboy: (after a "twin" workout) "Whew! I haven't sweated this much since the last time I had sex!"
Diane: "I gave blood to my sister one year for Christmas, because she treated me like water."
Cowboy: "Well, don't get me wrong, because I could be wrong."
Diane: "Drew will vote how I vote, but don't be shocked if he doesn't."
Cowboy: "I'm going to have to take this bar trick on the road. To a bar."

FINAL WORDS
Marvin made a sign and put it over his bed. It said, "Thanks Fans! *Heart* Marvin"

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 24, 2004

2004-08-24T09:04:00.000-04:00

It's the Tuesday edition of TunaNews. Grab your box of Tide and let's see what's happening inside the BB house. Where in Genoa City did America's Choice Winner Marvin show up? Is he Jill's new love interest? Or perhaps Kay Chancellor's new pool boy? And, will he have the little fake cigar?? Alas, according to the Young and the Restless website, Marvin is stuck in a scene with Michael (lawyer, former convict, former rapist -- not in that order) and Phyllis (Nutcase, Stalker and marriage wrecker). Well Marvin, it's better than having to look at Cowboy all day right?

B.A.R.F.Y.
Adria shares that her husband puts "S.H.M.I.L.Y." on presents and letters. It stands for "See How Much I Love You."

EAT EM' UP -- EAT EM' UP -- RAH! RAH! RAH!
The twins go for a full-court press, which is a little unusual considering they are softball players, not basketball players. But there really is no specific strategy for baseball. It's hit the ball or catch the ball. Sports analogies aside, Natalie and Adria decide to go after Drew and Diane separately. Natalie tells Adria, "If you say something out loud, people believe it." GreenTuna doubts that philosophy is true, since Cowboy is STILL yammering about being an actor.

HIT EM' WHEN THEY'RE DOWN
As Natalie and Adria finish hatching their master plan of annoying the other hamsters to death, they take another opportunity to kick Will while he's down. They say they hope his eviction helped him learn something about "sportsmanship."

USE THE "I" FORMATION
Natalie goes after Diane, browbeating her with softball, the Bible and a chorus or two of "I Will Always Love You." She asks Diane, "How am I going to back you up if I'm not here? Who's gonna watch your back? " Diane is given no time to answer as Natalie continues, "I can't help you if I'm not here. I can't help Drew if I'm not here. I don't know where Cowboy stands, but I know where I stand. And I know where Adria stands. And I know where Drew stands. And I KNOW where you stand, and I want to help you." As Adria comes in, wondering how the Spanish Inquisition is going (bring me...the comfy chair!) Natalie tells Adria, "We're just all getting on the same page."

HELL EXPRESS, TAKE TWO
Nakomis chooses a window seat, and Karen takes the aisle on the hell express. The topic today is THE BIBLE and how much it pisses them off. Nakomis goes on a rant about the twins and the Bible, saying, "that's why the Bible really pisses me off, because it's so GENERAL!" Of course, Nakomis really said this in a Marvin dialect, so feel free to add the cusswords of your choice. Nakomis says she wants certain comments the twins made to show up on TV, for example all the Bible stuff. She says one of her pet peeves is people who are wrong and don't admit it.

SAVED BY THE BIBLE
Adria tells Drew that when she was HoH, "So many people told me so much crap, I could bust this house open if I wanted to!" Sister Adria continues and tells Drew, "But I won't, because I read my passages, and that's not the Christian way." Adria says she's not going to be a gossip and do that to other people.

BURMA-SHAVE
Adria tells Drew that she knew what she was getting herself into last week. She says she knew she'd be on the block this week, and for some reason, she was allowed to take herself off the block, and she knows that is a SIGN.

WORD-A-DAY
Cowboy, the newly nominated hamster for the BIG WHEEL (similar to the BIG SLEEP) gives some advice to Natalie. He tells her how cocky he was with Scott and Jase in the house. He says, "if I'm gone, you guys don't get too cocky." Natalie tells Cowboy she doesn't think he was cocky, she thinks he was submissive. Cowboy asks, "What's submissive?"

NUMBERS GAME HUDDLE
Drew and Diane attempt to figure out what to do without benefit of Cheez-It or Gummy Bears. Drew is swayed by the Natalie argument that keeping Natalie and voting out Cowboy gives them four (Diane, Drew, Natalie and Adria) instead of three. Diane says she has already promised to vote out Cowboy, and she is afraid if both twins are in the house next week, Diane is gone. Diane tells Drew that she is voting for Natalie to leave. She tells him that Natalie takes shots at her with "rude things and stuff." Drew doesn't understand, and Diane tells him, "I KNOW softball girls."

FIRST DOWN -- UP THE MIDDLE
Diane tells Drew she is angry with him for not wanting to talk to her, but being willing to talk to everybody else.

SECOND DOWN -- UP THE MIDDLE
Diane yells at Drew for what she feels is the strong possibility that he will not speak to her after BB is over.

THIRD DOWN -- UP THE MIDDLE
Diane tells Drew, "Do what you want" but turns around a minute later and tells Drew that he is smarter than she is, so he should just tell her what to do.

FOURTH AND LONG -- PUNT
After arguing in circles with Drew about everything from aliens to philosophy to numbers, Diane finally -- after dissing the loaves and fishes yesterday -- goes for broke and tells Drew that, "God has a plan," hoping that Drew figures out that God's plan is to do whatever Diane tells him to do.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 23, 2004

2004-08-23T09:38:00.000-04:00

There's not much more to say than 'It's Monday' yet again. What were the happenings in the BB house this weekend? Fire up the barby and check it out.

HELL EXPRESS
Diane buys a one-way ticket for the Hell Express by dissing loaves and fishes. Drew says he's "trying to figure out how Jesus fed a crowd with three fishes and loaves." GreenTuna buys a one-way ticket for the Hell Express and hands it to Drew because he can't even get the story right. Fives loaves, two fish. Anyway -- Diane snots, "Oh, like a magic loaf of bread?" Diane then says that there are "all those stories about miracles in the bible, and where are they now?" Has she never seen Touched by an Angel? Drew says Jesus isn't on earth right now, so things are different. Yes. Now we don't call it "magic loaf" ... we call it "Wonder Bread."

ALIEN NATION
Drew and Diane continue their theological and philosophical discussion by talking about ghosts and aliens. After Karen and Drew discuss aliens and evolution, Diane proclaims that to fully explain her view it would take "hours and hours." Drew asks her to give them just a brief synopsis. Diane says she believes "there are aliens who are smarter than us, do experiments on us while we sleep, and abduct people all the time." (your joke here)

2004 FALL SEASON PREVIEW
In case you hadn't heard -- Cowboy wants to be an actor. Cowboy wants his own sitcom. Cowboy says he wishes he could get himself a sitcom, because then he'd only have to work three months, and then he'd be home the rest of the year. He adds insult to ignorance by adding, "I'd like to get one (sitcom) close to home, but if they offered, I'd take it. I'm not stupid. (your joke here)

SPORTING NEWS
Adria and Natalie offer up their very own interpretation of game-playing and how it relates to sports. Natalie says, "It's like knocking down someone with a ball, or sliding into someone. You don't do it out of hate. You do it because it's a sport." Later, she says, "When I'm gone and you're here, whatever you do, you have to make it hurt." Unsportsman-like conduct, 15 yards.

REVISIONIST HISTORY
Cowboy, Natalie and Adria remember the good old days. Cowboy says, "I liked Jase." Adria says, "I liked Jase too. I thought Jase was a pretty cool guy. There's childish stuff, and then there is kid-like stuff that's funny." Natalie adds, "Even when Jase thought he hated me, he really loved me."

O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, OKLAHOMA..YOW!
Marvin talks football, and tries to remember who played in the championship game last year. He knows one team was Louisiana Tech. Finally, the hamsters figure out the opponent was none other than Oklahoma State. Marvin asks Cowboy how the freak he didn't know OSU was in the championship game. Marvin says, "You got OSU all over your underwear and you don't know that shit? Come ON, Man!" (Keep up Cowboy, Keep up)

GRILLMASTER
It's a big night at the outdoor grill. After a steak dinner the hamsters roast marshmallows. From afar, TinyTuna yells "Fire the HO!" Marvin has never had a toasted marshmallow before, and he likes it. He asks if these are what s'mores are, and Nakomis tells him they need chocolate and graham crackers. Sometime after s'mores, they decided to grill the cat. The good luck cat. The demonic good-luck cat that was Holly's that she bequeathed to Jase who, in turn, got evicted. Diane says BB told her they could burn the kitty, but that was it. Marvin says the only reason they will let them burn the cat is because everybody hated Holly. Cowboy deadpans, "too bad we couldn't burn Savage's shorts." Later, Drew touches the kitty and surprised to see that it is how. "Gee, wonder why?" Asks Marvin. "It's only been sitting on a fire for twenty minutes."

COWBOY FORECAST, PARTY GLOOMY
Cowboy is in the kitchen crying over the fact that Adria and Natalie are both nominated, and next week he will have 50% fewer twins to suck up to. Adria and Natalie give him a pep talk, and Cowboy tells them he's just "feeling gloomy."

DOH
BB gives them hamsters a new treadmill. Drew steps on it and immediately breaks it.

AND THEN HE PARANOID ME
Marvin asks Diane where the twins went. Diane answers, "conspirisizing." Nakomis interprets and says, "they are talking somewhere."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 20, 2004

2004-08-20T10:06:00.000-04:00

Thank God it's Friday. And Nakomis, for that matter. Now that Marvin has promised to be a little gay at least once a day and Will has taken the walk of shame, we can get down to business. Will Nakomis seek pinky vengeance? Will Diane survive another night of houseguests trying to paranoy (tm Diane) her? Let's see...

FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD
Shortly after the live show, they went right into the food competition. HGs had a plate of their "dream" dinner set before them. The twist (there's ALWAYS a twist, yo) is the plate of food got dumped into a blender, and they had to drink it. Yum Yum Yum. It's not exactly Haggis, but close enough, I suppose. Each hamster played for food for the house for a particular day.
Friday - Cowboy
Cowboy's menu consisted of sweet and sour chicken, fried rice, fortune cookies and Dr. Pepper. Cowboy guzzles it down. HGs win Friday food.
Saturday - Marvin
Marvin's menu is lobster tail, fried shrimp (with tails), steamed oysters with lemon, french fries and a Corona. As Nakomis blends Marvin's dinner she says it "looks like sediment." Marvin is unable to down a glass of concrete. No winner. PB&J for Saturday. Later Marvin says he never wants to see another lobster tail again.
Sunday - Adria
Adria's menu is Fettucini Alfredo, zucchini, chocolate cake and red wine. Since Sunday is the Lord's day, Adria has no problem whatsoever. She yells, "I can't taste the chocolate cake!" Jesus mutters that he's busy with the Amazing Race people right now.
Monday - Drew
Drew's menu is Spinach/Artichoke dip, Fillet Mignon (rare), broccoli, baked potato with all the trimmings, apple pie ala mode with sugar and caramel and a Corona light. Drew's Fillet Mignon moos sadly as it is dropped into the blender, and Cowboy sheds a single tear. The smoothie, she is lumpy, but Drew rises to the occasion. Food on Monday.
Tuesday - Karen
Karen's menu appears to be the Saturday night 3am post-barnight special: A bean burrito, steak taco with lime sauce, chocolate taco and a diet Coke. Karen yells "Freedom!!!" Actually she claims her victory for the Taco Club. Karen needs to widen her circle of friends. Later, Cowboy congratulates Karen, telling her, "You chuga-lugged that!" Karen says, "I wanted to look cool."
Wednesday - Natalie
The Lord is up to bat again as Natalie drinks a glass of Fillet Mignon, steamed vegetables, sweet potato, coffee, and an ice cream/brandy dessert. Reciting a Psalm about fatted calves, Natalie wins food for the house. Amen.
Thursday - Diane
Diane faces spinach-veggie pizza, steamed vegetables, salad, chicken, mashed potatoes and water. Diane claims it smells good, but after a couple of chugs she yells, "it tastes like hay!" Inexplicably she then proclaims she is going to pretend that she's at the bar. Because, I guess, she drinks hay at the bar. Marvin tells Diane to "go to the happy place in your mind." Diane does just that and wins food for Thursday.

THE YOUNG AND THE CLUELESS
The mere mention of additional television time sends the hamsters into a frenzy. Cowboy says he was campaigning for Young and the Restless in his sleep. Cowboy (who doesn't listen well) asks his fellow fame-seekers if the Y&R stint will be a starring role. The twins tell him no, it will be a walk-on or bit-part. Meanwhile, after breaking a bunch of BB rules regarding contracts and names, Karen admits that she won't be doing Y&R anytime soon because she "doesn't even know how to play the damn game!"

NEW MATH
More Y&R talk with Drew and Diane. They first complain about the America's Choice contest, saying they wish it were a date instead of Young and the Restless. Diane says, "maybe it will be a tie (between Drew and Diane) and we can do some cheesy love scene together. Drew asks Diane what she thinks about soap operas. She tells him she thinks of love triangles. She says she has already been involved in three triangles herself in this house. No matter how many Cheez-Its and Skittles I use, I can't figure her numbers out for the life of me, unless she is including a mirror and a couple of multi-personalities.

STICKS AND STONES
Name-calling heard around the house:
Natalie says, "Diane is one of those types of girls everyone likes even though she is a butthole."
Karen says, "Natalie is the more evil one..."
Nakomis says, "I want to see what Cowboy will say. He's a little snitch."

THURSDAY NIGHT BIBLE-STUDY
Sister Natalie approaches Drew, Bible in hand. She tells him she likes reading specific passages which help her to be "Christlike." Drew expresses doubt, and Sister Natalie gets in his face about reading passages concerning forgiveness, letting bygones be bygones, oh...and letting the twins win all the money. Sister Natalie tells Drew she loves him. Sister Adria joins Sister Natalie and tells Drew she loves him. Before they leave, they tell Drew he MUST read the chapters she told him to read because he will get alot out of it (or Sisters Natalie and Adria will whup his unsaved ass)

FROM THE 'DUH' FILES
Diane says that Will's parting statement was ironic. Drew says, "that's why he said it."
Adria spends a lot of time trying to figure out Will's last words ("If Karma is a boomerang, I'll see you sooner rather than later"). Adria doesn't know what or who "Karma" is. She asks, "Is it Karma Electra?"

PET PEEVES OF DESPERATE PLAYERS
Adria and Natalie sit on the hammock of "we're in the creek minus a paddle or two." They justify knocking out Will, saying that his bad attitude (at being nominated) got him OUT of the house. Adria complains that she has had to do all the dirty work in the game. She says, "some of the people don't even want to stand up for THE TEAM!!" I'm thinking that's probably because you just voted some of your team out of the game.

THE PLAN
Nakomis opens an extra-large can of Whup-Ass and lays out the plan for Karen. She says she is putting up both twins, telling them, "You look alike. You act alike. Now you are going out alike." Nakomis declares, "This week is for Will. They want to see competitiveness? They want to see fight and character? They just opened up a whole can they cannot handle."

GIVING THE FINGER
Nakomis continues her planned-nomination rant, saying, "I'm going to call her (Adria) out and say 'Adria? You owe me a finger (holding up the pinky finger swear of life). Natalie? You're up there because I want you gone. Decide which one of you is leaving. One of you owes me a finger.'"

THAT'S MF-MARVELOUS TO YOU
COWBOY: "That competition was MARVIOUS
SOMEBODY: "The word is Mar-vel-ous."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 19, 2004

2004-08-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

It's eviction day in the Big Brother House. BB has decided voting will be LIVE tonight, meaning the show will be packed with nail-biting intrigue as we all try to guess...Oh who am I kidding? Voting will be live because Jo-Ann's Fabric and Crafts ran out of padding. What happened last night in the House of the Rising Hamsters? Let's see...

ARTS AND CRAFTS
In an attempt to surpass the fifth-grade art known as "painting ceramic pigs" the hamsters have a rip roaring session of "M&M art on a plate." Next up: Making sit-upons with plastic and newspapers.

STRESS -- THE 15th PLAYER
Adria and Natalie critique the HGs (behind their backs, natch). One of them mentions Diane and says, "Did you notice how Diane is always holding her abs? Stress will do that to you." Later, Nakomis and Karen talk outside. Nakomis says everybody else is inside in the kitchen. Karen asks, "Around the island?" Nakomis says, "Yeah, they made that island a major stress point."

JESUS -- THE 16th PLAYER
Yesterday it was feeds and fishes for the Big Guy in the BB house. Natalie sermonizes that God has plans for everyone. Diane says, "Maybe that's why I'm here." Lightning bolts barely miss her because she is holding her abs. Later, Natalie and Adria talk. Sister Natalie tells Adria that God has always put them up against tough challenges. Sister Natalie then reads a Psalm about staying righteous with the Good people while shunning the bad. Mother Superior Natalie then instructs Adria to pray about the game. God thinks if the two of them hold still, he's got a pretty good shot.

GLORY DAYS
Cowboy goes on and on about Chasen (April's son) and how Chasen will be the most popular kid in the 2nd grade because Cowboy is on television. Cowboy knows that when he gets back home, he'll be the star of Chasen's class and will probably go in and talk to them. Cowboy is excited because they'll make him cards. Hopefully Chasen's class didn't get the live feeds and won't ask Cowboy to do his "hat trick."

BEHOLD, THE POWER OF CHEESE
Diane discusses the Diary Room. She complains that they ask her the same thing every day. Without revealing the topic, Diane says, "How would you like it if you didn't like cheese, and all the DR ever asks you about everyday is cheese?" (spam, spam, spam, spam, LOVELY SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM! spam, spam, spam, LOVELY....I DON'T LIKE SPAM!! Bloody Vikings)

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
That Was Monty Python Back There, In Case You Were Confused.

GENIE IN A BOTTLE
Will asks all the HGs if they had three wishes, what would they be? Aside from all the "world peace" type answers that don't need to clutter the Internet, some more interesting answers were:
Cowboy - Wisdom.
Karen - A full set of kidneys for Larry.
Marvin - His own CBS show called "What Marvin Wants"
Nakomis - A purple sky instead of a blue sky.
Diane, Will and Drew - All disqualified with three "world peace" answers. Job, money, happiness. Blah blah. Yawn.

THE NAME GAME
The hamsters tick off names they like and dislike. Drew has seen one too many soap operas, as he lists "Blake," "Brock," "Natalia," and "Alana" as names he likes. Diane says she likes the name "Brooke" (see Survivor 9, Vanuatu). Diane also says she likes "Taylor Landon" or "Landon Taylor". Maybe it's because she could mix them up and nobody would know. Either that, or it reminds her of a retail clothing chain. Nakomis says she likes the name "Victoria" (woot!) but Will says he would shit bricks if somebody called her "Vicki." GreenTuna thinks it's a big improvement over other names siblings might think of. Will and Nakomis are "not cool" with the name Renee. Sorry, all you Renees out there.

DAYTIME GABFEST
The HGs espouse their love for TiVo and daytime talk shows. Will loves Oprah. Adria likes Montel. Marvin says he loves Maury. He says he likes "that DNA stuff." Marvin adds, "I'll be late to work just to find out if the guy is the daddy."

DEEP THOUGHTS
Marvin: (After hearing Diane say that she passes out on her own all the time) "I pass out ALL the time. Especially after I've had a few Coronas."
Diane: "The Diary Room loves all of us."
Cowboy: "Sometams people gets to me cuz thrr not thrrselves, and sometams thrrselves gets to me."
(Translated: "Sometimes people get to me because they are not themselves. And sometimes themselves get to me.")
(Translated: What?)
Adria: (After hearing Cowboy saying he's smart) "Oh yeah. You're very smart. I don't put nothin' past you." (Translated: SNORT)

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 18, 2004

2004-08-18T10:03:00.000-04:00

Happy Hump Day here at the Tuna News. All the tears, jeers, gossip and one-liners arranged for you on a single sheet.

WHAT'S IN A NAME
Marvin tells the hamsters that his childhood nickname (from his mom) was "Spewter Booter" and he has no idea what it means. Diane says her nickname (from her dad) was "Coal Bucket".

THEY DON'T CALL HER WONDER WOMAN FOR NOTHING
Diane is talking about Natalie and Adria's Super Spidey powers. She tells Drew, "I know the twins don't trust me. They don't have twinglish as much as they have telepathy power. I felt like prey walking into the kitchen tonight because they both were sending me subliminal shots in the stomach.

NO STRIVING ACTORS HERE.
Thank goodness Arnold Shapiro screens to make sure they don't have any striving actors. Diane tells Drew that she doesn't need a college degree for modeling and acting. Diane also says, "CBS hates me now, because I let it be known that I came here for exposure for my career."

HEY, AN APPLE!
Diane tells Drew that college is just too hard for her. She says she is smart, but cannot get good grades. She says, "I can't study and I have ADD and I'm lazy." Then she adds, "What's ADD?"

*POOF* THERE IT IS!
Nakomis, Karen and Will complain about the horrible week. Nakomis says, "This has been a week of total drama. Everything is drama. There could be a poof of air, and drama stems from it."

PHILOSOPHY 101
Karen: Everything is going to be ok.
Nakomis: Either that, or we're all going to die.
Nakomis: If my mother shows up (when she's evicted), she's either going to hug me or stab me.

LET US PRAY
Nakomis tells Will and Karen that her mother is Methodist and works for the church. She says her mother signed a "morality agreement" so she cannot participate in this show, because it might have naked people or bad language. Will says he went to a Methodist school for four years and met some "really cool people." Nakomis agrees that they are cool, adding, "they have their prayer groups and I'm going to be in it for some reason. I'm not going to be able to walk through my mother's business without one of them having to stop me, and (saying) like, 'Pray with me.'" Will says, "Oh listen honey, I've been on the Southern Baptist prayer list since day one. Don't even get me started on that."

SAFARI PLANET
Drew and Diane suffer from boredom, bantering, and random acts of paranoia. Drew admits that he's tired of all the drama. Diane says, "Don't let it get to you. We have all flipped out." Drew recalls how he flipped out on Jase, and then tells Diane, "You are like a Parrot. You talk to much." Diane counters with, "Well...You are like a Turtle. You don't talk enough." Then, she adds, "No, you are like a Camel! Because they hold grudges. You didn't know that?? Camels hold grudges for an exorbitant amount of time when somebody hurts them." (Remember, Drew and Diane are not accredited zoologists, nor do they hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. They are simply enthusiastic hamsters with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God's Creatures, just like BRIAN FELLOW!)

LAST HAMSTER STANDING
Last night was the night of a thousand one-liners and quick comebacks.
Marvin: You know it's a slow day in the Big Brother house when you have to have a rematch for the best handstand in the pool.

Diane: Tonight Will is giving kissing lessons, if you'd like to attend.
Marvin: I'll wait for the book.

Karen: This is normal. This is what I eat at home. It's salad.
Marvin: It's colon-blow.

Diane: I was just having a bad day.
Marvin: Girl, you have a bad day every other day.
Drew: Every other hour.

Marvin: I'm donating 10% of all my BB5 winnings to Oprah's Angel network.
Cowboy: She'll be calling you first.
Marvin: Hell, she don't call me now. I'm still waiting for Halle Berry to call me.

Diane: The first time I can get drunk, everybody's giving me their beer and I'm getting sloshed. But I could never take a beer from you, Marvin, because you'd have my arm chopped off.

Drew: Jase is so full of shit. It's worse than a hog farm.

Natalie: The people are so flaky in here, they're worse than cornflakes.
Adria: Head and Shoulders has never seen so many flakes.

Karen: Marvin, stop smelling Diane's hair.
Marvin: I've been in here too long. Everybody is starting to look cute. Cowboy's lookin' a little cute today.

BB: (interrupting the late-night poker game) Houseguests, how are you doing tonight? Just wanted to tell you there's going to be a lockdown in the early hours of the morning, so when you guys go inside please pull the shades down. And uh, Marvin, there's something to be said for loving from afar, so if you could love Lori from the Memory Wall.... (Marvin had grabbed Lori's picture and put it on the poker table for good luck)
Drew: BB, could we have some George Harrison music in the morning? And...could you please tell me what Cowboy's cards are?

PARTING SHOTS
Marvin: Why don't you MoFos get out of my house and give me a half million dollars?

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 17

2004-08-17T09:39:00.000-04:00

It's some seriously slim pickins here at the Tuna News. Adria chose not to use The Power of Veto, making Will feel safe for eviction this week. Hopefully he'll enjoy this safe feeling for the next couple of days ... before he is evicted. What else happened last night in the Habitrail? Let's see.

DIANE THE BIG MOUTH
Diane let it slip in front of Nakomis that Marvin will be around next week when she said, "I'm not playing in the food competition with Marvin." Lucky for Diane Nakomis was a few beers ahead of her, and didn't seem to notice.

SOME PIG!
The hamsters have to deal with another member in the BB house. We'll call her Charlotte.

INSPIRATIONAL MOMENTS
Cowboy tells Natalie that he really liked Robert from BB4. Those of us who were there for that train wreck of a season are now excused to purge. Cowboy thinks Robert was a good father because he cried. Cowboy says he tries not to cry too much at home. Cowboy never explains why on earth he'd be crying at home, but sometimes it's just better not to know.

LARRY BOY!
Karen talks about her second favorite topic of conversation (I'm just not touching the first topic), which is, of course, her husband Larry. Karen admits that she and Larry spend all day, every day together. Marvin asks Karen, "are you ever in separate rooms?" Karen answers, "Only when I paint. This is the first time I've been away from him." Marvin says, "This must be the shock of your life! You met him right out of high school, been together ever since, took each other's virginity...Damn! Y'all have the most co-dependent relationship I've ever heard of in the world!"

IT'S NOT EXACTLY A BURNING BUSH
Diane tells Drew that the food restriction people listen to her because everytime she has to go into the SR, it lights up right away.

KEEP UP, COWBOY, KEEP UP
Cowboy tells Adria he thinks that for things to "work out" Will will have to go this week. This, of course, had already been decided several days ago, but it's nice to have everybody on the same page.

TWIN TWIST REVEALED!
Diane, in the middle of a paranoia attack, questions Marvin on why he "scurried away" late last night (after talking to Natalie) when she walked into the kitchen. Marvin tells Diane that BB told him to put on his mic, and he didn't want to wake the sleeping hamsters. Diane asks, "Why did you run into the cement room and slam the door shut?" Marvin says, "Are you sure that wasn't Harvin? Harvin doesn't have the mole."

PARTING SHOTS
Diane: "Drew, do yourself a favor and go to sleep before you say something else retarded."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 16, 2004

2004-08-16T10:05:00.000-04:00

It's the Monday morning edition of the Tuna News. Backstabbing, paranoia and tears are the name of the game today, so sit back, grab a box of tissue and sing another verse of ... "IT'S ONLY A GAME"

CURRENT SCORECARD
HoH - Adria
Nominated - Will and Marvin
Who Von Veto - Adria

CURRENT ALLIANCES
Oh Shit Alliance - Will, Karen, Nakomis
Oh Shit We Need More People Alliance - Will, Karen, Nakomis AND Diane
Power Twins Alliance - Adria, Natalie, Diane Drew
Mole Alliance - Natalie and Cowboy
Paranoid Alliance - Diane and everybody else in the house
One is the loneliest Number Alliance - Marvin

This is the story in a nutshell:
1. Will and Marvin are up, and then Adria goes and wins Power of Veto. Will scrambles to make sure Adria WILL NOT use the veto. Will fears Adria would take down Marvin and put up Nakomis. Nakomis vows heretofore unseen vengeance with lots of poop in the HoH bed.
2. Meanwhile...Will, Karen and Nakomis spend a lot of time talking to Diane and telling her all their secret alliance plans. They feel it would be stupid to keep Marvin in the house. They feel that when they win HoH next week, they would nominate Adria and Natalie, forcing one of them to leave the house.
3. Meanwhile...The Power Twins Alliance is very strong. Adria and Natalie talk a lot of smack while they have the safety of HoH. Diane repeats EVERYTHING the Oh-Shit alliance has told her. Diane admits that she has "both teams in her hand." The current plan is to let the vote be a 3-3 tie, leaving Adria to break the tie and she would vote out ... WILL.
4. Meanwhile...Natalie and Cowboy have a meeting of the minds (such that it could possibly be). Cowboy likes nothing better than to spill his gut and tell what every single person has ever said to him about anybody else. Cowboy also goes on and on and on about honor and playing by your word which is exactly what Natalie wants to hear. Natalie tells Cowboy she trusts him, and sends him forth to find out what everybody else is saying. Cowboy is thankful that at least one person in the house will speak to him. Natalie knows that there's nothing like an honorable foot soldier to go into battle and do your dirty work...
5. Meanwhile...In order for the Power Twins Alliance NOT to look suspicious while they strategize in the HoH room, Diane leaves first and Drew leaves later. Diane, of course, has an entire breakdown, because Drew was in the HoH Room FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR (OH MY GOD!!) after she left.
6. Meanwhile...Marvin is just blowin' in the wind.

KING OF THE ONE-LINERS
The hamsters play golf outside, with Marvin providing the commentary. He calls Drew "Johnny Quest, he calls Diane "The Former Stripper" and he calls Natalie "Camel Toe." We now join the game in progress...
Marvin: "Here she is...The Ex-stripper (Diane) that gives it up easier than penny slots in Las Vegas. Here she is...The Ex Stripper who is easier than first grade!"
Diane: "Where do you come up with these things?"
Marvin: "I got a million of them. At least enough until next Thursday."
Cowboy: "So she stripped in first grade?"
Marvin: "Keep up, Cowboy. Keep up."

HAMSTER INTERPRETATION
From a conversation with Natalie and Cowboy:
Cowboy: "The majority of my life when I've been told something it never happened. My mom would promise to take us places but it never happened. It hurt. She would have excuse for everything. So I took that and I learned from it. So when I say I'm going to do something, I do it.
(Interpretation) I wanted to go on the pony rides. She promised me I could go on the pony rides. But...I didn't go on the pony rides and now I'm scarred for life and I align myself with anybody that reminds me of the pretty, pretty ponies....WAAAAHHHH!

Natalie: Just take a deep breath
(Interpretation: Mwahahahaha! Perrrrfect!)
make good prayers about it
(Interpretation: Jesus love me. This I know...)
and relax about it. Things will fall as they should.
(Interpretation: We'll kick you out of this house when we're done with you)
Be comfortable with where you are right now.
(Interpretation: Moles are your friend)
It can either break you or make you.
(Interpretation: "It" meaning "I" in this case)
I think that's the best place you can be rather than freaking out
(Interpretation: So Quit Your Moaning, and go find out something useful)

Cowboy: I'm just glad to have somebody take me in that I can talk to.
(Interpretation: Because Scott isn't here anymore and he was my Daddy and we'd take baths together, and I bet HE WOULD TAKE ME ON A PONY RIDE and well, nobody likes me.)

Cowboy: "Again, I thank y'all for trusting me."
(Interpretation: Because The BB House is located on Shit Creek, and I haven't got a paddle.)

FEAR FACTOR
Nakomis talks about her biggest fear, which is the fear of midgets (oh the irony!). She says, "Animals don't bother me. Bugs don't bother me. George Bush sorta bothers me, but he could be considered sub-human.

THEY SAID IT
Adria: (in reference to helicopters flying overhead) "I think they're spotlighting Jase trying to get back in!"
Karen: "She (Adria) hates everybody, like literally, except Cowboy and her sister. She likes Cowboy because he is pliable, like Goo."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 13, 2004

2004-08-13T09:31:00.000-04:00

It's a Friday The 13th edition of The Tuna News. Grab your salt shaker and avoid black cats and ladders as we hash out the fun now that the Habitrail has been cleaned and Jase has been kicked to the curb.

No Wannabe Actors Here, Nope Nope Nope
Despite Arnold Shapiro's best efforts to convince us otherwise, there is a whole house full of wannabe actors. Diane wants to act or model. She wisely acknowledges that "Ohio modeling is different than New York modeling." Ya think? Call me crazy, but I would imagine there are a distinct lack of food court runways in NYC. Drew wants to act or model. Drew says that Jase told him not to model first because it doesn't look good. Cowboy offers his advice, because you know, he was a theater major. Or was going to be a theater major. Or something. Right after doctor, lawyer and Indian Chief.

Queer Eye from the Will Guy
Will comments on Cowboy's new baby-faced look. He says he needs the facial hair back to balance out the face. Adria says Cowboy's eyes stand out more with the facial hair gone. Will says Cowboy has to maximize his potential with those things he can control (like growing hair). I say, insert your own punchline here.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Holly may be gone, but not forgotten. The discussion turns to hair, as Will tells Karen he would love to see a professional colorist do her hair. They talk about going blonde, but he quickly adds, "Not Holly Blonde" because they feel she was too yellow. Will says "Holly thought she had it going on, but she was a fashion disaster. She didn't need a makeOVER, she needed a makeUNDER."

Whatever Happened to Skits in Groups of Three?
Cowboy makes the unfortunate suggestion of playing "Truth AND Dare". Aside from not getting the title of the game correct, a lot of just plain old nasty daring goes on which shall not be recapped here. Please, use your own imagination sprinkled liberally with exposed body parts, kissing, dancing, and a very regrettable use of a Cowboy hat as a thong.

Dr. Cowboy Ruth
After watching Drew and Diane do some serious kissing for a dare, Cowboy tells Drew that "he needs to work on his kissing skills" and that "he didn't look like he was really into it." WOW! Apparently, Cowboy has yet another calling as a sex therapist. Cowboy tells Drew he needs to be more romantic, and he's sure that Drew "has it in him." Cowboy instructs Drew to practice and to come back and show him tomorrow. I have to believe that if Drew is kissing Diane and thinking about Cowboy ... it's not going to help his technique much.

Adria and Karen
Karen makes the pilgrimage to the Holy Mecca of the HoH room. Karen plays up how HORRIBLE it was when she, poor Karen, was nominated in week two. Karen plays up how HORRIBLE she felt and how she pooped a lot. Karen performs a variation on a theme of HORRIBLE by telling Adria how HORRIBLE Will felt when he hit the "Bad Egg" basket in the food competition that nobody remembers from weeks past. Karen says she has never wavered since day one. Because you know, wavering is of the Devil.

It's All About The Fiber
Karen tells Adria she feels a strong bond with her and the twins because they are all married. Karen adds, "and you both have the moral fiber I respect." Smart girl. Don't diss the fiber. If you diss the fiber it will be all about the POOPING (see above).

A Dream Is A Wish Your Wallet Makes
Cowboy talks about how he gave up his dreams when "the family" came along. He says April told him she'd break up with him if he didn't take the opportunity to go on BB.

Adria and Natalie -- Step One: Complain
Once the hamsters finally leave HoH, Natalie and Adria begin the many stages of eviction. Step one: Go on a general complaining binge. To date, grievances include:
1. Adria mad that HGs go to NATALIE about HoH stuff. Adria won the shuffleboard game, yo.
2. Nobody talked to Adria all last week because everybody was on a "Jase Vacation" and knew he was going, so figured there was no need for strategizing.
3. The Hamsters are nasty.
4. The Twins are tired of getting compliments. yes, THOSE DAMN COMPLIMENTS.

Adria and Natalie -- Step Two: Insane Conspiracy Theories
Once the initial phase of complaining is over, it's time to offer up idiotic conspiracy theories amounting to a hill of nothing. Not even beans. Tonight's winner, according to the twins:

When Karen and Diane kissed for their Dare, it proved that Karen is a lesbian. The twist is that either there is no "Larry" (Karen's husband), or that Larry is a girl.

No, really. That's what they said. Stop laughing.

Adria and Natalie -- Step Three: Specific Complaints
Once the general complaints have been offered, it's time to zero in on specifics.
1. Marvin -- Well, what ISN'T there to complain about? He stinks. He's a pervert. He has a potty mouth. They are tired of him saying "Hey BABY."
2. Karen -- Only has a repertoire of approximately 3 subjects. Larry, Sex, and how HORRIBLE it was when she was on the block. That word again...HORRIBLE.
3. Will -- Pushes all of Karen's buttons and she does whatever he wants.
4. Nakomis-- Continues to be "freaked" about the twin twist. It's been FOUR DAYS already. They think she should get over it.

Adria and Natalie -- Step Four: Insane Conspiracy Complaints
Combine general complaints, specific complaints and a conspiracy theory or two in a boiling pot. Stir vigorously and taste.
1. The Tartar Sauce Conspiracy. Someone dared to compliment the twins on making Tartar Sauce. Off with their heads!
2. The Vacuum Conspiracy. Karen went ballistic when one of the twins used the vacuum in the bathroom because that's HER room to clean. Evict her!
3. The Lemon Conspiracy. Karen used a lemon for her lemonade. THE NERVE!

Adria and Natalie -- Step Five: The Plan
After adding eye of newt and toe of frog, Adria and Natalie finally arrive at THE PLAN. THE PLAN will be to nominate Marvin and Will and evict Marvin. If Marvin or Will wins veto and removes themselves, THE PLAN is to nominate Karen and evict Karen. Undoubtedly, THE PLAN will hold firm until 30 seconds after they wake up this morning.

TUNA...Come In, TUNA.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 12, 2004

2004-08-12T09:10:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Thursday. It might not be the end of a dynasty, but if all systems are "go" it should be the end of the nasty known as Jase. So long Mandana. See ya later, flat-iron. Hasta la vista, pit stains. So what happened last night in the BB house of impending eviction? Let's see.

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AREN'T

1. Jase starts playing with it first
Shuffleboard. Half of the hamsters think it's Curling, not shuffleboard. It seems the absence of, oh say... ICE ... didn't clue them in. Maybe none of them have ever visited our neighbors to the north (to the South, from where I live) or live in close enough proximity to watch CBC television.

2. Karen says "You can play for a quarter"
Air hockey. General razzing on Karen. The HGs say Karen should be good at shuffleboard because she loves Air Hockey so much. She and Larry play it all the time.

3. "His facial expressions make it twice as funny"
Marvin. Will is sure MFMarvin wants a stand-up comedy career post BB. Will says his timing is great, and usually it's hard to make Will laugh.

4. "We Need to Have Her Spend More than Five Dollars"
...On a haircut. Will, Diane and the twins agree Karen's hair needs to be cut and it would look much better and healthier. Will says she needs a makeover, but they have to go with her, because Karen would end up going to Supercuts or Walmart, and she needs to spend more than $5.

5. "I haven't had one of those in a LONG TIME!"
A ketchup and mayo sandwich. The twins welcome Drew to the "Condiment Club". They ask Jase if he wants a protein shake, and he yells, "I want white bread!!"

6. "This is not interesting."
Karen. She putters around the kitchen, performing her psycho monologue. "Dude this is not interesting...my junk food...peanut butter and potato chips dinner is not interesting..."

7. "I took so much stuff from her."
Jase's little sister. He took her scissors to cut his hair and he admits that she is probably looking all over for them. Later several hamsters worry about things Jase has taken. Will plans to rifle through Jase's suitcase tomorrow while he showers before the live show. Diane admits she saw Jase eyeing her jewelry, so she hid it in her tampon box.

8. "He's the only pen eye we haven't seen."
Marvin. Oh wait. That sounds dirty and IS dirty.

BEHOLD, THE POWER OF THE PINKY
Karen tells Nakomis that she is tired of people running around saying that she said things she didn't say. Karen says, "I'd rather speak for myself." Nakomis says, "That's why I do the pinky swear...so I don't have to run around and tell everybody."

UPCOMING NOMINATIONS
Jennifer asks her team if they would evict Cowboy for her.
Diane suggests nominating Marvin and Cowboy -- Cowboy would leave.

PARTING SHOTS
Diane says that Jase is planning to do "something funny" for the live show tomorrow. Karen says, "he thinks he's getting his last minute camera time. He's going to be an AC-TOR." Then Karen adds, "I don't think he's capable of anything nice." GreenTuna jumps into the conversation and says, "If he wants to say something funny, he should just repeat what he told Drew earlier in the day: "Drew, I just don't think I'm leaving tomorrow..."

TUNA? Are you there TUNA? Come in, TUNA...

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 11, 2004

2004-08-11T09:27:00.000-04:00

It's the happy hump day (that's Wednesday) edition of The Tuna News. You know, the bad thing about an iron-clad plan is that it tends to dry up all wheeling and dealing until the sacrificial Jase is booted out the door. And that, my friends, leads to bored hamsters. But sometimes bored hamsters are extremely creative hamsters. What happened over night in the Big Brother house? Let's see!

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 1 -- MAKE UP WORDS
You might think after living with Holly and Cowboy for oh-these-many-weeks that "making up words" might have already been done. And overdone. Not these hamsters. Last night the word of the day was SMURF. Smurf as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, interjection (shows excitement! And emotion! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Yeah!!!!!!!!! darn! That's the end).
Boredom Relief Success Rating: -86
School House Rock Reference Rating: 100!!!

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 2 -- NAME THE CAMERAS
Nakomis decides to name all the cameras and camera operators in the house. "Fifi" "Bigglesworth" "Seven" "Pin 15" "Bill" "CeeCee" and "Sam" are some of the names. She asks the cameras if they like the name and the camera moves yes or no for each suggestion.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 6
BB Rating: FISH

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 3 -- UNSUPERVISED ARTS AND CRAFTS
Jase grabs makeshift supplies from somewhere and starts altering HG's pictures. He makes some devil horns out of tape (where do they get tape??) and puts them on Diane's picture. He makes a halo and puts it on Drew's picture. He gets a maxi pad to put on Diane's picture but then takes it down.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 10 if you ask Jase
Rating for normal people: -5

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 4 -- LID TOSS
Jase tries to throw lids over the wall in the backyard.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: See Plan 3, above

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 5 -- COOKING
Marvin tells BB they can keep the flour they have, and he'll go out and buy his own.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 2/3 cup

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 6 -- CHARADES
The hamsters talk about playing charades. Natalie says, "No Alcohol, No Charades. We aren't doing anything without alcohol." Feed viewers ponder Cowboy charades and wonder if a dry evening isn't just what the doctor ordered.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 3 Words....1st word...

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 7 -- THE HOLY BOOK
Marvin gets himself some religion and reads the Bible about "discharge" and being "unclean".
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 4
Rating Because it was Leviticus: -69

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 8 -- WHISTLING
Karen Whistles.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: BB: Karen, STOP WHISTLING.

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 9 - TALK ABOUT YOURSELVES
The houseguests talk about each hamster and one item that relates to them.
Mike (The Don) - George Bush Shirt
Lori- Bikini
Holly - Leopard Trunks
Scott- Number 2 Shorts
Jase - Hat or underwear
Marvin - Cigar or rolled up shorts
Cowboy - Hat
Diane - Sherbert pants
Karen - Star bikini
Twins - Pink robe
Nakomis - Mastermind shirt
Drew - Abercrombie Shorts
Will - Scrub Top
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 2-for-1 Sale at Walmart

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 10 - GO INTERNATIONAL
Karen wonders if BB is available in Italy via satellite. Karen wonders if they understand "American".
Boredom Relief Success Rating: Quoi?

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 11 - TALK ABOUT MONEY
Cowboy wonders if BB will make another money offer to the hamsters, like the $10k they gave Lori on opening night. What, $500k, not good enough for you? The hamsters all talk about how they'd take the money now in an instant.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: $1.37

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 12 - MAKE FUN OF OTHERS
Karen says Cowboy "Isn't mentally there." She thinks he's unstable. Nakomis doubts whether he has a fiancee any more. Will supposes April (Cowboy's intended) is just as bad, but Karen says, "No. She's the one that does all the driving and makes all the money."
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 55 mph

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 13 - ACT DELUSIONAL
Cowboy and Jase think the vote tomorrow will be really close. Cowboy thinks it will be 4-3.
Boredom Relief Success Rating: 4-3

BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 14 - YELL TIRED CLICHES
Cowboy gets into bed and yells across the house to Jase, "It's you and me till the end!!"
Boredom Relief Success Rating: ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz...

All I want is a TUNA somewhere, far away from the cold night air
with one enormous chair, Oh Wouldn't It Be Loverly?

GreenTuna Makes Another House Call

2004-08-10T17:09:00.000-04:00

Another recap of House Calls has been posted HERE. Get the scoop from the August 4th edition when Marcellas' super-duper extra special guest was none other than the Executive Producer of the Big Brother Empire ... Arnold Shapiro.

Where was that link again? Oh yeah. CLICK HERE.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 10, 2004

2004-08-10T09:13:00.000-04:00

Tuna News -- Tuesday style. Today it's served with extra cheese just for Jase and Cowboy, who were spreading it pretty thick yesterday. What happened post-Veto ceremony? Check it out!

DEEP THOUGHTS FROM COWBOY
Cowboy to Drew: "We're the splittin' image of each other!"
Cowboy, as he complains about Scott: "We're just ventilating!"
Cowboy, on Cowboy: "This was a chance for me to sew my royal oats."
Cowboy, on BB5: "How many people plied to be on this show?"

PLEASE DON'T FEED THE DELUSIONS
Jase tells Cowboy that if they made Toy Story into a real movie, Cowboy would be Woody and Scott would be Buzz Lightyear.

BIG HOUSE 'O PLAGUES
Cowboy stands outside in the backyard and stares at a big bug. He says it must be a locust. It makes sense...Big Brother house and plagues.

DA BOMB
Cowboy and Jase talk publicity and head shots. Jase asks Cowboy if he has had any head shots taken. Cowboy says yes, but then clarifies, "Well, it's a high school picture that's the bomb!"

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means to Me
Cowboy piles a heapin' helpin' of guilt on Drew after the veto ceremony. In his speechifying, Cowboy uses the word "Honor" like its his word-of-the-day. Drew needs to learn honor. If Cowboy goes out, he goes out with his honor. Cowboy would rather go down with his boys, fighting with honor. Finally (and inexplicably) Cowboy says, "Honor like when the 4 horsemen make bets on his wife's weight." Huh?

YOU CAN'T DANCE...DON'T ASK ME
Cowboy, the moonwalking King of Delusia, approaches Natalie again and asks him if she can teach him hip-hop dancing. Natalie says it's not hard. Cowboy asks about the "handstands and stuff" and later asks about the "flips and stuff". No answer. Maybe Cowboy is looking for another career on Soul Train. Or as a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

COWBOY AS A HALLMARK CARD WRITER
"Don't take life for granted."
"Live day by day."
"Money isn't everything."

COWBOY AS A COUNTRY-WESTERN SINGER
"I've been hurt all my life and lied to all my life. That's why I believe in you."
"I'm a poor country boy. I've made it half-way. I need the cash."

JASE AND THE *CLUNG*-ING ANVIL OF "DUH"
Jase says if he can manage not to be sequestered, he can do a lot of promotion and jump-start his career. *CLUNG*
Jase says he can walk out of this house with fame and popularity. *CLUNG*
Jase wants people to think he's funny and crazy. (Half right!) *CLUNG*
Jase faked his application tape, pretending he was in Decatur, Illinois. *CLUNG*
Jase faked a fireman scene on his application tape. *CLUNG*
Jase says if he could do it over again, he wouldn't vote out The Don *CLUNG* because he and The Don were both Air Force Guys *CLUNG*CLUNG* and he would have voted out Scott instead *CLUNG*CLUNG*CLUNG*

GET OUT OF JAIL FREE
Jase and Cowboy talk about living in the house. Jase says, "This is jail. A nice jail, but still it's jail."

RIDING THE BITTER BUS
Jase tells Drew, "If you and Diane get married, don't even let me know."

READ BETWEEN THE LINES
As Cowboy interrogates Drew for the hundredth time, Drew finally says, "At this point there is nothing I can say that you will understand any better."

WE CAN ONLY HOPE
Jase tells Karen he wants to be voted out now so he won't be sequestered. Karen says she understands. Jase says if he gets sequestered, he'll just sit and rot for six weeks, and everyone will forget about him.

GREAT COMEBACKS
Jase: "Cowboy, you deserve the money."
Cowboy: "I know."
Jase: "You're not supposed to say 'I know' you arrogant bastard! You're supposed to say 'Thank you, that's nice.'"

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 9, 2004

2004-08-09T09:19:00.000-04:00

It's Monday with a vengeance here at Tuna central. Aside from the rampant streaking last night, did our intrepid hamsters have anything to say? Of course! They were boring...not dead.

Strike a Pose, There's Nothing To It...VOGUE
If it's a posing poseur, then it's Jase. See Jase graduate. See Jase go to Vegas as a graduation present. See Jase take lots and lots and lots and lots of pictures of himself. Pose Jase, Pose! Smile Jase, Smile! See Jase buy lots of tape. See Jase plaster his hotel room walls with pictures of himself. What Jase? What? See Jase have a party. Dance Jase, Dance! See Jase answer the door only to find the police. Spread-em Jase, Spread-em! See the cops think Jase is nuts for decorating his hotel room with his own pictures. See the party break up. Is Jase sad? No! He is still surrounding by a wallfull of his biggest admirers -- himself. Therapy Jase, Therapy!

Rosemary's Baby
Marvin says when Julie Chen announced there were 14 houseguests, he was sure that somebody was pregnant. Then Marvin says when Julie Chen announced that somebody had been playing with a twin, he was sure it was either Holly or Scott. Thank the lucky stars that Marvin was wrong on both accounts.

There's Desperate, and Then There's Desperate
Karen says she is an emotional person and desperate to bond with anything that reminds her of home. That, of course, explains the sock.

Add it to the Resume
In addition to being a doctor and a paramedic and an actor, Cowboy says that he'd also like to go to dance school. Later in the evening he pumps Jase for information about being a stunt guy.

Chicks on Paper
Cowboy and Jase talk women, so you know this will be good. Jase tells Cowboy they have both had "these stellar chicks on paper" but it wasn't the right time. GreenTuna ponders how you actually have "chicks on paper" and wonders if he might mean personal ads or some sort of SIMS dating game.

They Said It
Marvin: "Anybody else smell Cowboy's tear gas ass breath?"
Unidentified Female: "I don't want to see any more naked Cowboys."
Karen: "I feel bad for him (Cowboy) in a weird fart Gumby kind of way."

Does GreenTuna Make House Calls?

2004-08-06T17:25:00.000-04:00

Yes! The first installment (Yesterday's show -- August 5th) is posted for your snorting pleasure. I've put them in chronomologicamal order, so you'll find it by scrolling a wee bit down the page, or, if scrolling ain't your thing, CLEEEK HERE.

And when you're done, CLEEEK HERE to return to TunaLand.

And Then...An Announcement

2004-08-06T10:58:00.000-04:00

A little later today (read: after lunch) I am going to visit the Marcellus "House Call" archives at CBS. Word is, they are entirely recap-able, and if so, look for recaps of House Calls here.

Same Tuna Time...Same Tuna Channel.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 6, 2004

2004-08-06T10:34:00.000-04:00

How many times did you press the rewind button and watch the Twin reveal? How many times did you giggle when Cowboy yelled, "It's Holly! It's Holly!" How many times did you fall off the floor when Jase yelled, "Scott has a twin!!" What a night. It was a beautiful thing. Unless you're Jase. Or Cowboy. Or Scott. So, let's sit down, relax and remember the good times that were BB5 Twin Twist Night.

UH...DON'T SHOW ME THE MONEY!
After the twin twist, Jase says he wants to go home NOW. The HGs remind Jase that the next person out will be sequestered. Jase says he doesn't care. BB can keep the money and he'll go home.

BODY DOUBLE -- HOLLY STYLE
After the twin twist, the HGs are still convinced that Holly has a twin. Marvin says, "When she started telling one of those crazy ass stories, the camera went crazy and she was called to the DR. Karen adds, "Maybe that's why she slept with her makeup on...she was covering up..."

Jase continues to believe there were two Hollys. Will says one would say she liked him and the other would say she didn't. Jase says one dressed slutty and one did not. Karen says one was stupid and the other not so much.

BODY DOUBLE -- LORI STYLEAfter the twin twist, Marvin says he was disappointed the twin wasn't Lori, because he'd sure like two Loris in the house. Drew agreed and the two share a lot of manly guffaws at the thought. Meanwhile, Diane opens up a can of Chef Boyardee Testosterony, without franks.

BODY DOUBLE -- JASE STYLE
Karen: "If Jase had a twin, I would have gotten up and walked out on live TV."

SHOUT OUT TO BB3 MONICA
Natalie tells Adria to be careful "not to show that face to anyone but me." Adria asks, "What face?" Natalie says, "That one! The one that says, 'It's AWWN'!"

SHOUT OUT TO BB4 "JUST JACK"
Jase says that from now on it's "Game OFF." He says, "from now on, it's Just Jase."

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
Adria says, "It's on!"
Natalie adds, "Like a chicken bone!"

HOH TREATS
A Garfield pillow, a picture of her dad (that she later gave to a grateful Cowboy), "Flaming Lips" CD, sour gummy worms, Starburst, and Pepperidge Farms snacks, among other things.

LISTENING SKILLS 101
Nakomis tells Cowboy, "Jase is safe for tomorrow." Cowboy says, "Jase is safe??" Nakomis says, "For TOMORROW."

THE PLAN
The eviction plan is to nominate a double decoy, take one off the block, then put up Jase so he cannot remove himself. Diane and Marvin volunteer to be double decoys, but Marvin quickly adds, "Just don't vote my ass out!"

ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND BB
Cowboy: It's not fair because they (twins) "got family in the house". (Pay no attention to that half-sister of yours behind the screen)
Marvin: "If I had known I couldn't win it I would have kept Lori in because she's hot."
Karen: "I feel so contaminated by CBS." (Ooo, that one will never make the clip show)
Jase: "I would not have won HoH tonight because BB picked questions I wouldn't know."

TRUTHS REVEALED
Marvin: "And all that time y'all thought you were on TV and it was the twins getting all the TV time."
Natalie: "If you had figured out we were twins, the HGs would have had 24 hours to choose which one they wanted to keep.
Jase: "I could have played the game differently, but it's too late now.
Jase: "I'm not a fireman. I'm an actor living in Santa Monica." (All those surprised, please smack your foreheads now)
Marvin: "Jase was trying to lie to me in hall saying he was trying to keep me in the game and I was like, if he was trying so hard to keep me in the game then why isn't he happy now?"
Jase: "Holly is not a twin. I did her belly button therapy with her every single day, and the peroxide bubbled the same."

ONE DELUSION SUPREME WITH EXTRA CHEESE
Cowboy tells Will that the twins pulled off the twist so well, they can be on his sitcom!! He says, "They can play my girlfriends!" Later Cowboy beats the dead acting horse with Jase. Cowboy says, "Hey I really want a sitcom. Maybe they will give you, me and Drew our own sitcom!" Jase says, "Cowboy that is not how the industry works. You need writers and they have to believe in you to even get a pilot for a show."

JOKER...JOKER...AND A PEAR
Jase continues to complain about the last two HoH contests. He says Diane was "for sure" going to win the button holding contest because she has smaller arms. Then he says the questions from this weeks HoH contest about the pear weren't fair. He says Nakomis was the only one who called it the "Care Pear". Karen says, "Everyone knows it's the Care Pear." Jase says, "I didn't know." Karen says, "That's because you were in Hollyland."

COMMON BONDS
Cowboy tells Will, "Lori was genuine. She was like my bigger [sic] sister. I feel like I had a lot in common with Adria, but maybe I have more in common with Natalie, because she's married to a cowboy that sings country."

NOT EXACTLY
Cowboy asks Jase, "So you got to meet Brad Pitt?" Jase says, "Well he walked by, and said, 'How are you today?'"

PARTING SHOTS
Adria: "Those guys (horsemen) got blind-sided by their ego. Jase only knows his own reflection."
Natalie: "Isn't he the ugliest thing in the world?"

Marvin: "And Cowboy...he's used to being Batman's Robin, and now Batman is gone. He won't be coming around to me and trying to take a bath with me."

Nakomis: "When Jase leaves, I want to say 'Bad Dog! Bad, Bad Dog!

Home, Home on the Range. Where the deer and the Tunalope play...

House Calls -- August 5th

2004-08-05T16:51:00.000-04:00

Cast of Characters
Marcellas, BB5
Some Radio Girl Gretchen (SRGG)
Guest: Lynette Rice, from Entertainment Weekly

Tonight is the Big Show!
Marcellas says he is interested to see how they will reveal the twist. He would like BB to sneak Natalie in the house. He says, “Have Adria outside on the hammock and Natalie in the shower.” SRGG says, “Yeah, like they’re losing their mind!” Lynette says she thinks it will be a front-door entrance. She says they could do it “organically” but I laugh, because all I can think of is free-range chickens and extra-expensive carrots. She means “organically” like sneak her in the house. SRGG goes on and on about double takes. She wants to see double takes! Then she says she wants Natalie to be hiding in the pantry. The Pantry? Do they have a pantry?? Maybe she means in the storage room, and I weep for the return of The Creeping Terror.

Time to Rag On Holly!
Marcellas, SRGG and Lynette say that Holly STILL doesn't get the twist. They say maybe Holly thinks she is still on the show. Marcellas goes on a tear about Holly’s mannequin. He says, "What’s her name? MAdam? MaDAM?" They hope to book both Holly and her Madam for a future show. I don’t think that last sentence turned out right. I’d like to see Holly’s mannequin equipped with some robotics so she and Marcellas could play Rock-em, Sock-em robots.

Calling Oprah
They crack on Nakomis wanting nothing to do with Cowboy outside of the House. SRGG says it took less than 40 days for him to ruin that relationship.

The Gay Mafia
Marcellas’ name for the GP (all the girls plus Will) is “The Gay Mafia”. I laugh every time he says it. He wonders about The Gay Mafia and Adria. Can Adria be trusted? Marcellas says she pushed so hard and cut so many deals, he doesn't know. He says, “First she was a power player, then she can’t be trusted, now it’s Oh-my-gosh, she’s crazy!”.

Guest Star Moment -- Coffee Talk
Lynette says it took her a couple weeks to “get into this show.” She liked BB2 and takes it on the nose when she says she liked BB3 the best. She thinks it took awhile for her to like this season because the boys were so dumb and dominant and the girls took a long time to get into power. She doesn't understand why the women were so slow to take control. It seems they were scared of the boys. Lynette says, “It’s not that difficult to get back at them, because their wit doesn't come from an intelligent place.”

Strategy of Girls vs. Boys
Taking the strategy ball and running, Marcellas says simply, “I think they’re punks. They don’t scare me. I ain't afraid of no Ghosts!” He suggests the girls should muss up their (the boys) hair, or take away their hair products. He says it would render them completely…. SRGG butts in and says, "Yeah! Why are WE the only people making fun of the boys??"

And What IS Up with the boys, anyway?
Marcellas gets on his high gay horse and has a field day. He says, “Roddy and I were there together. Roddy and I weren't taking baths together. And, let’s also talk about Cowboy going in drag pretending to go on a date with Scott. I didn't need to see that on the live feeds! It was like a traffic accident! You want to look away but you can’t look away. And I didn't want to see Cowboy's butt. There are a lot of butts I want to see, but I don’t want to see Cowboy’s butt…or Marvin’s butt.” Much butt talk ensues.

The Janet Factor
They wonder if CBS is purposefully showing less hanky and panky from the BB house. Marcellas says, “It’s probably the Janet Factor.” Lynette laments its absence.

Phone Call: Should women get HoH this week (or throw it)?
Marcellas outlines the “Six finger plan” of the Gay Mafia. One wins HoH, (1) then nominates 2 from the Gay Mafia (2 and 3). They each pick an ally from the Gay Mafia to compete for Veto (4-6). One of them wins veto, vetoes a nominee, and then they nominate Jase who can no longer save himself.

Phone Call: Will the twin twist reveal be one of the top moments in Reality TV?
Lynette says it is a high bar. She says at EW they all feel that Richard Hatch’s win on Survivor was the crowning moment in reality TV. She says she needs to wait and see how it plays out tonight, and that ultimately it comes down to the characters. She has loved the evicted houseguest's reactions during the Julie interviews. She says those have been great. Marcellas hopes the twin reveal will be the ultimate moment. He says, “I want Jase to flip out. I want anger. I want tears.” Then he remembers that he is Marcellas, and hops on his back-pedalling bicycle. “I don’t think this is the ultimate moment. I think the ultimate moment was ME at the golden veto.” Lynette points out that the success of a “top moment” needs to come spontaneously from the players, not scripted from the producers.

Phone Call: Do you think there is a possibility they would automatically hand a twin HoH?
They discuss protecting a twin from automatic eviction. SRGG says a twin twist would be a crowning moment if they were the last two. Lynette disagrees, saying that would be like Rob and Amber when they won. They just split the money and nobody cares.

Email: Does Jase have any chance to win after his “Kiss My Ass” speech in the veto ceremony?
Lynette says it doesn't matter, because everything that has come out of his mouth has been hateful since week one. They have a discussion about people who have behaved badly and still do well. Marcellas brings up Josh (BB3) and Will (BB2). SRGG asks, “Can a woman pull off the same tactic (I’m an asshole) as a man? Or does it just not work?” Discussion turns to Alison and Jun (BB4). Lynette says both were very hateful and not brilliant. She says, they weren't smart…they were just “beeyatches.” Lynette feels Danielle was a brilliant player. Marcellas DOES NOT like that at all. Lynette maintains that Danielle got a raw deal with the DR feeds being shown, and says you have to be diabolical and one step ahead.

What’s in a Name?
The discussion veers to the four horsemen. SRGG snorts, “The four horsemen picked their alliance because they liked the name.” She tells Lynette, "We call them 'The three horsemen and the Ottoman' because Cowboy isn't much of a playah." Marcellas adds, “Or the four horses’ ass. And Cowboy is the water boy."

Phone Call: Did Diane throw POV competition?
None of them think she threw it. Phone caller thinks there is a secret alliance with Diane and Jase. Marcellas and friends think Diane was stupid. Speaking of stupid, SRGG admits, “I could never be a HG because all these contests with all the rules are too confusing. After the first rule, I’d be all, ‘What???’”

Phone Call: Jase -- Brad Pitt -- Drew -- Will
Marcellas says that Will isn't as innocent and "good" as everybody thinks he is. He says, “You go in with good intentions if you’re a good person. But when you get into the house, you realize you may be a good person who has to do some bad things.” Marcellas explains that for Will, he realizes his alliance is weak, so he is making deals one-on-one. Marcellas says, “But Jase isn't the strongest player. I don’t think there are any really strong players this season. Jase is the luckiest player.”

Phone Call: Guys and taking baths together
Marcellas goes off on an ever living rant. It doesn't start out with “This one time…at band camp…” but it might as well. Marcellas says all indignantified, “I used to play tennis…” and starts babbling about tennis players and not showering together. Or something. I think his point is that even tennis players, the gayest of the gay (I’m inferring his point here) aren't anywhere near as gay as Cowboy and Scott. Marcellas gives a warning: Cowboy cannot get near me with those teeth!! Then Marcellas says, “I always wondered if “Do not assume” means do not assume players are straight." SRGG puts down her crack pipe and says, “Yeah. Do not assume that furniture cannot shape-shift and become the 14th player.” Huh?

Phone Call: What do you think of the difference between Adria and Natalie?
Lynette: Adria has a bigger booty.
Marcellas: Natalie has more “ga-DUNG ga-DUNGS”.

Phone Call: Do you think the DNA twist is over after twin twist is revealed tonight?
The caller says “the rumor on the feeds is that Diane and Scott are married, and Scott will return and be the twist.” Marcellas starts laughing hysterically, and says, “But…But...he called her “Trailer Trash!!” No, they don’t think Scott and Diane are married. Marcellas says, “If she were married to Scott, she wouldn't have put Scott up at all.”

Phone Call: Do you think Drew and Diane’s twins could come into the house too, unbeknownst to Drew and Diane? Marcellas says no. He says, “Aren't you tired of the twin twist by now? Heck, you can have a twin convention out in the back yard.” Marcellas and friends rehash the mysterious empty squares on the CBS website where they show the HGs pictures. Lynette says she thinks somehow the DNA plot will continue to twist until the last day. She says CBS has to keep this interesting.

Phone Call: What is the future of Reality TV? Is it here to stay?
Lynette: Totally here to stay.
Marcellas: As the format grows, it will get worse. We've already seen so much of the bad reality TV. There was the midget thing…
SRGG (protesting): That one’s good!
Marcellas: …and the Cupid thing, and .… (He looks at SRGG and laughs at her) You love anything on Fox!!
SRGG: Anything that resembles a circus performer, I’m in!
Marcellas: You must be loving The Amazing Race this season!
SRGG: Shut up.

Tune In Tomorrow For….
SRGG: Tomorrow we'll be here with either Scott or Marvin…
Marcellas: Talk about Dumb and Dumber!….

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 5, 2004, p.1

2004-08-05T10:32:00.000-04:00

Join the Clubhouse to see what else is new:

CORONATION
Drew and Diane in the mutual admiration society. Diane tells Drew he needs to get HoH next week so they can have the room for the third week in a row. They call themselves the King and Queen of HoH, making it to the end and picking everybody else off. Diane says they would get "mad airtime."

IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE BIBLE
Marv says he found something to read: Nakomis' nicotine patch instruction booklet.

SEQUESTER NEWS
The word is, some of the producers have said "sequester will be a little bit different this year."

MEMORIES, OF THE WAY WE WERE
Calling Barbra Streisand. Marvin talks about adjusting to life "outside" after five weeks in the BB house. Will says he can't remember The Don (remember him?) being there. Nakomis says she "remembers a man sitting there and staring, and in the bathroom and staring, and in the kitchen and staring...."

NOT SO MUCH
Scott and MFMarvin talk about who will be evicted. Diane says it will shock her! Marvin deadpans, "It won't shock anyone, because it's either Marvin or Scott."

A TRUE MORAL DILEMMA
Adria says she knows CPR and would have to give Jase CPR if necessary, because she gave an oath. Karen replies, "You don't have to give CPR to Satan."

THEY REALLY SAID IT
Karen: "I'm a sane, normal person. I draw pictures."
Adria: "We are normal. We like Walmart."
Will: I know.

Karen: "I can't stand the "Jase Face" when he looks in the mirror."

Nakomis: "Just because the boys want something doesn't mean they will get it.

Karen: "When I go home, I'm going to have mental problems and hemorrhoids."

THEY MIGHT SAY IT
Scott claims he will yell "Freedom" ala Mel Gibson if he is evicted. This is his proposed exit speech:
"Jase, I'm going after Holly tonight...Cowboy, you are the brother I never had...And the rest of you? Jase will finish you off one by one. Jase, on my departure, unleash hell. Gentlemen, we ride to the door." (Scarecrow, I think I'll miss you most of all...)

Take me home, TUNA roads, to the place I belong...

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 5, 2004, p.2

2004-08-05T09:55:00.000-04:00

All the news that's fit to mock...Joker's style.

SUPER SECRET ALLIANCE REVEALED
Karen and Will have a super secret alliance. This is different than the secret alliance they both have with Nakomis, or the secret alliance Will has with Jase, or the not-so-secret alliance Karen has with her pig. Karen's current super secret target is Adria. Karen is worried about what will come out of super secret target Adria's "big fat head" tomorrow. Karen and Will agree that if super secret target Adria wins HoH, they'll be best friends forever!

ALONG CAME A SPIDER AND SAT DOWN BESIDE HER
Drew tells Diane he almost came over and gave her a kiss! First of all, what kind of sentence is that? I almost kissed you? Did he miss? Did he think better of the plan? Did he decide he was hungry and forget? I almost swam the English Channel today, but you know..I didn't. ANYWAY, Diane is shocked! Shocked I say, because she almost came over and kissed Drew! Will the coincidences never end? Diane's excuse? She got scared by a spider.

HAS HAZMAT SUIT, WILL TRAVEL
Nakomis, Adria and Will complain about the sequester house. They worry that if Jase is there first, he will have peed in every bed, there will be pit stains in every sheet and spit everywhere. Evidently BB made Jase clean the pee towels, but then they threw them away. Nakomis refuses to be intimidated by Jase and his pee. Karen says if all the hamsters approached BB then they would have to do something. She then, somehow compares the current hamster cast to the cast of "Friends". I must have missed the episode where Chandler peed in the towels.

UNICORNS!
How awesome is it that there is a news item entitled "Unicorns!" I bet you thought it would never happen. Here's the news: Jase and Marvin have a spat and Jase told Marvin that he (Marvin) was nasty. Marvin says he can't stand Jase and he hates "both of his faces" (score!) Will says, "Let's change the subject. The new subject is Unicorns!"

ADD THAT TO MY PHRASE BOOK
After hearing that Adria (supposedly) voted to evict Scott, Diane says, "Lady luck is on our side." Will adds, "It's on like Donkey Kong."

CUE THE B-52s
It's not exactly The Loveshack, but Drew attempts to build a "love tent" in the HoH room. BB busts him, telling him he's not allowed to move the cushions. Drew and Scott contemplate moving the tables, but that plan is thrown to the fishes. Diane comes in and Drew tells her what he's been trying to do. Diane says if she could hold her arm up for nine hours, then she could just hold the covers up with her legs.

PARTING SHOTS
Jase says, ""You can hate me, but you can't beat me."

There's no place like TUNA... There's no place like TUNA...

House Calls -- August 4th

2004-08-04T15:41:00.000-04:00

Cast of Characters
Marcellas, BB3
Some Radio Girl Gretchen (SRGG)
Guest: Arnold Shapiro, Executive Producer, Big Brother Empire USA

Chapped Lips
This episode of House Calls is sponsored by Chap-Stik, because let me tell you, there is more butt kissing in thirty-five minutes than I ever thought humanly possible. SRGG introduces Arnie, and Marcellas exclaims, "The Godfather of Us All!" Boston Rob takes offense to the Godfather plug, and Arnold tells the crew, "I'm so honored to be here!"

(translation: Lunch and drinks are on you, Marcy.)

Arnold continues his Marcellas love by reminding everyone of Marcellas' creative approach to Big Brother. If you're looking for a drinking game, this is the one. Drink every time Marcellas' I'm not going to use the veto on myself screw up is mentioned. Arnold says he told Marcellas he was going to get him a talk show. As if we don't believe him, Arnold says, "It was one of the first things I said!" Marcellas adds, "Yes, aside from 'What were you thinking?'"

*drink*

Memorable Moments
SRGG asks Arnold who in the house has been a stand-out this year, for good or for bad. Arnold mentions Jase and Holly, emphasizing that "Holly is a unique human being. That's not an act. We interviewed Holly in-depth to make sure it was real...and it was." (Did you notice Arnold keeps referring to Holly as an IT? Methinks he doth protest too much). Best Arnold quote about the houseguests: "And Cowboy is memorable...just because he looks that way." Yowza!!

Production Am Hard
Marcellas puckers up again emphasizing how difficult it is to produce a show like Big Brother. He asks Arnie if it's gotten any easier. Arnold says, "Easy is never a word I would use to describe Big Brother. It's sort of like a non-lethal version of D-Day. (Interesting comparison. World war. Reality Television)

Phone Call: Who was Shapiro referring to when he said one of the BB5 HGs would "Make Evil Dr. Will Look Like a Kindergarten Teacher"?
After a lot of hemming and hawing and pre-answer justification that potential hamsters act much differently outside of the house than inside of the house, Arnold finally admits he was talking about Karen. Shapiro said Karen came across very tough during the audition phase and Jase was going to be the typical "nice, good-looking guy." HA!

Phone Call: What logistical problems have there been with lights, cameras, etc.?
Answer: None. BB is perfect all day, every day. Arnold says that it takes the HGs about twenty-four hours, and then they totally forget about the cameras. (Except Jase. And Scott. Oh, and Dave from BB4. And Erika. And...) SRGG remembers she is on this live show called "House Calls" and finally speaks. "Could Arnold ever live in the house?" Arnold says no. SRGG says the house is scary. SRGG says she is intimidated by the house. SRGG did a walk-through with Marcellas and got a panic attack. SRGG should go away.

Better Stock Up on Cheese
Marcellas asks Arnold about the possibility of an All-Star Big Brother. Arnold says .... YES! There could be, when and if the time is right. He doesn't think it's right yet, but he thinks down the road, yes there could be an All-Star series. Marcellas' Tourette's Syndrome kicks in when he suddenly yells, "I'M NOT GOING BACK."

Phone Question -- When and Where Will the Twin Twist Be Revealed?
Shameless plug for the Thursday night show, but Shapiro did say he thought this would be the defining moment of all of the Big Brother seasons. He thought Shannon and the toothbrush was great, but he thinks this will be better. Marcellas asks, "Extra security behind the walls?" Arnold replies, "Always!"

Phone Question -- How About More "Real People" and Less "Striving Actors"?
Arnold does a long, regrettable song and dance about how they go out of their way NOT to get striving actors. Arnold says, "I know whether Jase wins or loses, he's going back to Decatur, Illinois -- (NOPE) -- and Scott is going back to Pittsburgh -- (MAYBE) -- and Cowboy has mentioned it (acting) a few times...and I don't take that seriously." (OUCH)

Much discussion ensues about what kind of person they put in the house. Arnold says he is looking for "real people" but they must be colorful, dynamic, outgoing, competitive, unique, delightfully quirky -- such as yourself (to Marcellas...kissy face) -- these are all characteristics we look for. (I think he left out loyal, honest, trustworthy, brave and true) Marcellas thinks a successful hamster possesses a "willingness to be open". Arnold however, takes a high and mighty stance. He says, "I'm surprised that sociologists, psychologists and even anthropologists have not come forth and asked us to be allowed to study this show."

(translation: I'm pissed PBS didn't buy the options, but hey. Screw 'em.)

This oration goes on and on..."Because the human dynamic that occurs when people go into the house and how they change from their auditions to when they go into the show is absolutely amazing. " Arnold bags on Karen again, saying that in her audition tape she conveyed a very strong, highly competitive spirit, and in the last endurance HoH competition, she quite because she was cold. I'm thankful Arnie did not use the words "Not Good TV."

This Show is NOT Scripted!
Marcellas continues banging the "real people" drum, emphasizing that the show is not scripted. He says it's all about who you are and how you relate to stimuli. Marcellas adds, "And if you're talking about direction, I certainly would hope if there were a script somebody would have told me to use the veto and I wouldn't have blown $500,000."

*drink*

Arnold adds, "That was the loudest shout and gasp in the control room that I've ever heard in the past 4 years we've been doing this show."

*drink*

Phone Question: The Hamsters don't get drunk until 1am Eastern Time. Will you ever have an East Coast BB?
After a long defensive diatribe about how BB is NOT trying to get the hamsters liquored up, Arnold finally gets around to the answer. No.

The Clocks, The CLOCKS!
Marcellas: Why do they know what time it is this season?
Arnold: Because there is a little clock on the microwave
Marcellas: When are you going to go in a fix that?
Arnold: Well, we just decided to let it go. That's a leftover to BB1 that there couldn't be a clock. I didn't think it was a big deal, but if you hate it, I'll look into fixing it.
Marcellas: I don't hate it, but I think this house is much more spoiled than we were.

Phone Question: Are Will and Karen playing like Amy and Marcellas?
Marcellas: No.
Actually, he provides a much longer, and more boring answer about Amy and Marcellas' relationship and how it wasn't a strategic relationship, it was just hanging out and having fun. SRGG wakes up and mutters, "It's not the people, it's the dynamics" and falls into a deep slumber for another five minutes. Marcellas admits that he would not do well in the BB5 house. He says, "I think the combination of Scott and Jase would have driven me up a wall. I think I would have either been very aggressive with them, or (I would have been) hitting the panic button."

Behold, The Power of Veto
Marcellas says he is EXCITED that they are using the power of Veto this year. His hands go absolutely WILD during this entire exchange as if he were just swarmed by one thousand bees. He says during his season nobody wanted to use the veto (WAVE WAVE) ...nobody wanted to play for the veto (WAVE WAVE) ...nobody wanted to touch the veto (WAVE WAVE). But this year? It's veto-licious, baby (He doesn't say veto-licious, be he should have). Arnold agrees. He says, "The second dumbest mistake in the veto -- after you Marcellas --

*drink*

Was Diane blowing it with the coins and the pig. She could have knocked Jase out. She just didn't think. So the reason that Jase is still in the house is 100% Diane's fault.

Phone Question: What is the most surprising thing so far about the game this year?
Arnold says, "How the good guys have emerged as the bad guys and how the bad guys have emerged as the good guys." He goes on to explain, "We didn't anticipate the four horsemen, we didn't anticipate that Jase would emerge as he has -- that he would be such a prominent figure and he would be so diabolically pleased with himself." Arnold adds, "Will has a cunning side, and I'm surprised that we haven't seen much of it so far." Arnold says the one person who has behaved in the house exactly as they expected is Diane. He says, "She told us she was outspoken and she rubs people the wrong way." Marcellas likes her. He said she reminds him of Chiara (ugh). The discussion turns to Nakomis, and SRGG wakes up again and begins spouting theories and isms -- Get to know you cakes, Human nature, Stereotypes, Snap judgments -- that (hello??) have already been covered. Marcellas jumps on the band wagon saying that Big Brother offers insight into people who are different. Arnold joins in, proclaiming Kent and Bunky were brought together for Sociological good.

Marcellas Question: Who are your five favorite houseguests?
Arnold names Dr. Will (BB2), Jase (BB5), Holly (BB5), Marcellas (BB3) and Danielle (BB3).

Final Question of Utmost Pomposity: Has Reality Television Increased an Interest in Documentary Filmmaking?
Arnold says, "Absolutely!"

*snort*

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 4, 2004

2004-08-04T14:05:00.000-04:00

Here it is, The Tuna News for August 4, 2004. All the comings and goings and ridiculous happenings in the Big Brother House, stirred, not shaken for your enjoyment. What mind-boggling silliness happened overnight? Let's see...

SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE
The good people club decide for the 89th time to evict Scott. Will proclaims getting rid of him will "teach him a life lesson."

THE WEATHER FORECAST -- MOSTLY SUNNY
While Scott and Cowboy put the screws to Karen for vote information, Scott declares he is the "least shady person in the house."

CALLING BEELZEBUB
Scott tells Karen Scott says that if he stays or goes -- they are unleashing a demon. Feeling he needs to belabor the point, he tells Karen that Adria just took off the mask and showed the devil. Next up...Danielle's devil horns.

AGAIN WITH THE NIPS?
Karen and Nakomis discuss their frustration with the game, particularly with Adria who keeps changing her mind. Karen asks Nakomis if she believes her (Adria). Nakomis trots out the holy oracle of Nips (Ass flavored, not Cheese flavored), and says, "I believe her. You have to trust some people in this game. If you end up getting nipped in the ass, you end up getting nipped in the ass."

LOOKS LIKE I PICKED THE WRONG WEEK TO STOP SMOKING
Nakomis has stopped smoking and gone for the patch. As she and Karen sit in the hot tub, Karen says, "Nik, I'm not happy." Nakomis says, "not happy does not begin to express what I am." Marvin comes over to the hot tub, complaining, "everyone is acting like it's a MFwake around here." Karen says no, that she is just tired. Nakomis says, "I have a nicotine patch on my ass."

HISTORY....LEARNING....REPEATING
Discussion abounds about cold sores. The Hamsters are somewhat repulsed to see Jase swigging wine straight out of the bottle when he has a cold sore. Jase counterattacks by claiming Scott has herpes and that's why he won't drop trou. Diane, most incorrectly says no...BB would never let anyone in the house with an STD.

OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOUR MYSTERY DATE
Jase continues to campaign for evicting Marvin over Scott. Jase tells Karen and Will that Marvin's plan is to take out all the girls. Jase says he personally will take out Scott himself. I think Jase misunderstood, because when Marvin takes out all the girls, he wants to ... you know ... take out all the girls.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
Scott holds court, complete with his feet all over the table. He shares Stuart Smiley-style that one of the things he got out of being in the house was reading the Bible. He says it has "interesting stuff" in there (God: "Thanks, Bro. It's a best seller, ya know.") He thanks Cowboy for showing him the way, the truth and the light. Evidently he hasn't quite gotten to Leviticus yet, because I'm sure there are several chapters about keeping ones skanky feet off the furniture.

US TOO
A snippet of DR conversation is heard when Scott walks inside. BB says, "Scott, how you doing?" Scott replies, "Just counting my days, man."

POINT / COUNTERPOINT
Diane: I'm still going to put you on the block in 2 weeks when I get HOH.
Drew: How are you going to do that when you're gone next week?

I CAN'T DANCE...DON'T ASK ME
Cowboy says his friends like to take him out dancing so they can laugh at him.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR
Cowboy says although they may have their arguments, everyone in the house is there for each other. Cowboy predictably adds, "I think we are the best cast." I have to say, I'll fall over in amazement the day someone says, "You know, I don't think we're that hot. BB2 was really the best cast. We kinda suck.

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT
Cowboy espouses his love for the Clairol Herbal Essence shampoo commercials. He says, "I love that commercial....in the courtroom..." Eww.

I LIKE CAKE
Adria asks Scott if it was really his birthday last week. She thinks it is odd because he didn't get a cake from BB. Scott claims he didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and then asks Adria why she wanted to know. Adria does a BIG shout-out to ... lots of people ... and says, "I like birthday cake."

AND MONKEYS MIGHT FLY OUT OF MY BUTT
Cowboy worries about Scott leaving. Cowboy says, "But you will come to the Finale?" Scott says, "Yeah, but I might meet some girl. You never know what is going to happen.

WHO'S ON FIRST
Jase: Who are we voting out? I'm down with the posse.
Adria: Who are you voting?
Jase: I'm down with the posse.
Adria: Who are you voting?
Jase: Marvin is where I'm at. How about you?
Adria: What's my other choice?
Jase: So what are we voting?
****silence****
Jase: I just threw mind out there to be fair.
****silence****

That's Enough! Take Me Back To GreenTuna

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 3, 2004

2004-08-03T05:07:00.000-04:00

Good morning and welcome to yet another edition of the Tuna News, complete with capitol letters, actual recapping and 25% more grammar. When Big Brother finally let the alcohol flow last night, was it Hamsters Gone Wild? Let's see! First, the overnight news from Joker's Updates

I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt
...And everything else last night, as it seems the hamsters spent a great deal of time in their birthday suits. BB had to pull out his (stop it!!) Lifeguard Whistle and change the canned message from Remember Houseguests, it only takes 440 laps to swim one mile in the Big Brother Pool to Stop Running. Slow Down. You! Stop. Running!"

Great Quotes from Naked Night:
Diane, in response to Jase wanting to make an "impressive" showing, says, "How much smaller can it get?"
Marvin, in reference to Cowboy the hairy wonder, says, "He's so bushy, he has dreadlocks."

Eric The Half-A-Beer
Scott says he and Cowboy are going to go to Vegas after the show, but he worries about Cowboy. He tells Drew that half a beer set Cowboy off tonight. Drew says, "Imagine him Really Drunk!"

It's My Party, And I'll Cry If I Want To
Karen complains to Marvin that when BB doles out the booze, they (she and Marvin -- the non-drinkers) don't get any soda. She says, "I feel like the kid without a balloon at the birthday party."

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?
Diane regrets inviting the crew in for an HoH slumber party. She tells Scott that Marvin has taken her bed hostage and she can't get him to leave. Scott says, "Just tell him the party's over."

Change of Tune
Karen and Marvin have a late-night chat session. Because Marvin has been nominated again, he sings another go-round of "Life Ain't Fair in the Big Brother House." The verses include it's slanted against me -- the women always win -- Cowboy has extra help because he has a sister in the house -- He does nice things for people -- Other people don't need the money -- The win always win (again). What ever happened to "it's just a game, and being nominated is a sign of respect" ??

I'm The Mole!
Cowboy scurries back to Scott and Jase and reports that (gasp!) Karen is (gasp!!) talking (gasp!!!) to...MARVIN! Cowboy has his undies in a bundle -- but at least they are on his body again. Yeesh -- as he angrily says something about "trying to keep Marvin in the game!"

You Must Remember This...
Drew and Diane have a little talk about Drew's girlfriend back home. Or not girlfriend. The story is, it's someone he dated before the show, and might date again after the show.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss...
Diane is now very upset. She feels she's in "too deep" now, and regrets starting anything with Drew.

A Sigh Is Just A Sigh...
Diane dons her sackcloth and ashes and starts beating herself up over the whole situation. She calls herself stupid. She says she is probably only 1/3 as intelligent as Drew, so that might be why they are on different levels about this whole situation.

The Fundamental Things Apply...
Diane has a moment of clarity when she says, "Normal people don't start dating someone who might go back with someone else in the future."

As Time Goes By...
Drew, unfortunately, does very little to make any of this better. In fact, he tells Diane, "Well, if you're looking long-term after the show, then I don't know."

Play It Again, Sam
Diane tells Drew, "I'm just trying to figure out whether I'm a piano or a person." Diane -- Steinway called.

A few morsels from TV Clubhouse

Choosing Sides
Marvin talks with Karen. He says when he saw Jase pick Cowboy and Scott pick Drew for the Veto Competition, he knew where what was going on. He says, "If the competition is calf-roping next week, we know what they want..."

Goldilocks
Adria tells Karen she likes her hair color. Karen says it's a $6 bottle of dye. She hooks it up to her airbrush. Karen says in Florida, even if she spent $80 for a haircut, she'd end up with a mullet...that's all they know how to do.

TMI Alert
From the too-much-information files: Jase conjures up the spectre of Holly and tells the other HGs that Holly said Johnny Creepy had cold sores all the time but she didn't.

Write Your Own Punchline
Jase says, "Pier One has the best candles. They have masculine scented candles."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 2, 2004

2004-08-02T05:05:00.000-04:00

And another week begins for our intrepid hamsters in the Big Brother house. Did the weekend bring any excitement? Check it out and see.

Joker's Updates

It's The Veto, Stupid
The Veto Ceremony has been moved to today (Monday). Jase spent considerable time writing, practicing, and revising his speech. After testing it out on several focus groups, it will go something like this: "For everyone that conspired to vote me out this week, you can kiss my ass. And while we're in the spirit of ass-kissing, you can kiss each others asses goodbye, because I'm back with a vengeance."

Hell Express - Take 1
The hamsters ponder ripping up the bible to make playing cards. Got any Zebedees? Go FISH!

Hell Express - Take 2
Marvin's best prayer attempt: "May all your pain be Champagne."

Compare and Contrast - Take 1
Will (To Karen): "We're playing such a good game. We're playing like Danielle and Jason were, except better."

Compare and Contrast - Take 2
Jase and Scott discuss their perceived "dudeness" and compare themselves to everybody else. They say, "Look at Eric and Roddy (I'd rather not), and then look at us (I'd rather not). I mean, they were kinda built (kinda), but they don't have anything on us. Chicks probably dig them more than any other guys in BB history (Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry). They bring up Hardy, but pretty much agree that he isn't as good looking as them. They also say that Will was kind of good looking (Kind of?)

Oh, And One More Thing
Scott talks about how expensive it would be to bring his Escalade out to California. He says he'll just "sell it or park it out there." Oh, and one more thing..."after I buy one."

Scott tells Jase he has stacks of newspaper articles of him being a star athlete, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and one more thing..."the articles are in the daily police briefs."

Scott tells Cowboy he's going to 'talk to Playgirl' and see if he can get Cowboy a spread. Cowboy says he wouldn't do a centerfold. Oh, and one more thing...Thank You!

Karen stars in "The Omen"
Karen's picture falls off the wall for the fifth time.
Karen's finger gets cut again while she does the dishes.
Karen's logic flies out the window as she and Will secret hope Jase will be HoH next week, and nominate Adria and Diane.

The Banana Incident of 2004
Big Brother starts employing some tough love in the house. The hamsters have lost their bathtub water privilege. Marvin asks the camera man to nod if the water is turned off permanently due to the banana incident. The camera nods "yes".

Notable Quotables
Karen: “The most exciting thing about this place is napping and then getting up and seeing how much time you killed.”
Diane: I think I'm in love. What do you think of that? Nakomis: I think you're a crackhead for saying that on national TV.

Batting cleanup, TV Clubhouse

Jase plus Will = Huh?
Jase and Will strategize. Actually, Jase strategizes while Will listens and throws in the occasional "uh-huh". Jase tells Will, "My plan is honestly, truthfully...we got this great thing going between us. I think if we can get through the next week we can make it until the end."

Jase plus Arrogance = Jase
Jase tells Will, "If the next two weeks work out, I can totally exploit my alliance and get cocky and arrogant. I think to pull this off the way the veto is, you have to have a secret thing on both side."

Jase plus Cowboy plus Scott = Jase plus Who plus Who Cares
Jase tells Scott and Cowboy that Will is "completely down with you (Scott) staying in the house. Will wants Marvin gone. Will is not lying." Jase concludes by saying, "If we pull this off it will be legendary. They are screwed. The four horsemen will be galloping around the house."

Marvin plus No Beer = BB plus Begging
MFMarvin talks to the camera and asks for some beer for poker night. He promises if they get beer, they will talk strategy, have a little drama, a little romance between Drew and Diane and make good TV. ("Make Good TV" Is that what they are calling it now?)

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 30 -- LONG VERSION

2004-07-30T17:03:00.000-04:00

Honestly. You want news? You need news? You think there is something that wasn't covered back there in the TWENTY pages of previous posts? Well, today I shall bring you the BB5 HoH Endurance Competition TimeLine. The times shown in West Coast-BB Time

HoH Competition

4:40pm (Pre-Live SHow)
Karen is wearing a dress and tennis shoes. Says she feels retarded. Marvin agrees.

4:44pm (Pre-Live Show)
Marvin does his best Chenbot impersonation (it feels funny just typing that), saying, "Well, Holly, I see you're on the block again, with Bootylicious for the first time!"

6:00pm -- Endurance Competition Begins
Hamsters must keep a button pushed on a standee of themselves. The button is located on the mouth so it looks like they are "keeping their secret" (LAME). While the button is pressed, the platform they stand on stays lit. If the button is released, the platform light goes out, and they are eliminated. Ready set go.

6:56pm
Marvin: "We can't let Will be HOH he'll paint the house pink."
Adria: "What about Nakomis?"
Marvin: "She'll paint it purple and green."

7:14pm
Marvin: (To Karen) "It's been 5 minutes and we haven't heard about Larry! How you doing down there?"
Jase: "Who else here has to pee?"
Cowboy: "I want to pee before it does get that bad."
Marvin: "[You'll] be like those 5 people last year, who held it in and they bursted and died. Your kidneys will fail on you."
Adria: "Is anybody ready to quit?"
Jase: "There is no way I'm losing this."
Marvin: "Your keep your ass up there. This ain't no vomiting contest."

7:26pm
Marvin: "How those legs holding up there cowboy?"
Cowboy: "I'm doing fine"
Marvin: "How about you, Bootylicious?"
Adria: "I'm doing fine. How about you big talk? You're talking a lot."
Marvin: "Oh, they trying to entice me. they put the big booty girl right in front of me."

7:41pm -- Nakomis Out!
She says her wrist gave out. Chooses envelope number 6 for house food. It is ""Little Italy"

7:58pm
Jase rides the bitter bus, saying "I'd like to thank everyone for unanimously voting out my girlfriend."

8:02pm
Scott says the competition is stupid.

8:05pm
Drew dresses up like Holly.

8:14pm
Scott: "There are alot of bugs out here. How come they're all around me?"
Karen: "Maybe because you stink. Because you haven't taken a shower in three days."

8:56pm
First bribe. Real pizza and six beers.

9:02pm -- Karen Out!
She says she got too cold in her dress. So what does she do? She goes inside to put on her bathing suit. Karen's food envelope is Japanese Cuisine.

9:42pm
Diane offers to have everybody quit and give HoH to Cowboy. Everyone agrees, except Marvin. Jase offers to have everybody quit and let Marvin and Cowboy fight it out. Diane says no.

9:53pm -- New rule
No hand switching on the button.

10:07 -- Cowboy Out!
Cowboy slipped off the podium. He is furious that Marvin wouldn't agree to give him HoH. His food is "Breakfast, Anyone?" He goes inside the house and starts crying. Drew tells him it's OK, and Nakomis tells him that everyone was proud of him. Cowboy says he wanted pictures "real bad".

10:18pm
Marvin is getting the cramps.

10:23pm
Diane accuses Scott of using his other arm.

10:28pm -- Scott Is Out!
BB checks the tape, and Scott is out. His food envelope is for British food. He doesn't know what most of it is.

10:51pm
Scott says, "I was looking at the grass, and it started to move!"

10:53pm
Marvin is in some serious pain with cramping.

10:57pm -- Marvin is Out!
He yelled and jumped off. His food envelope is "Mom's Kitchen"

11:09pm
Jase tells Diane and Adria that he's fine. He says, "I'm just waiting for you to finish."

11:13pm -- Adria is Out!
Her finger locked up.

11:16pm
Jase: "If you think I'm losing to Diane, you're out of your mind!"
Will: "Endurance is my middle name!"

11:23pm -- Will is Out!
Will-Endurance-is-my-middle-name steps off voluntarily.

11:25pm
Jase wants to win and "make a statement" with his HoH nominations. Jase had assured Will he was safe this week.

11:26pm
Scott: "Hey everybody! It's the Holly Hater vs. the Holly Lover!"

11:29pm
Jase: "I think you'd be very surprised by who I would put up."
Diane: "That's why I'm afraid to let go. I think you would like who I would put up. I know exactly who. They could bring that box right here and I can put those keys right in."
Jase: "Who do you want?"
Diane: "Get down and I'll let you know."

11:31pm
Jase: " I know now what Jesus went through."

12:06am
The ice cream fairy comes to the BB house. Will says, "I've never screamed like such a bitch in my whole life! And lo, much face-stuffing did ensue.

12:16am
Jase: "Let me put it like this, I was in the military and I am a volunteer firefighter, there is no way I am going to lose to Diane. I just can't allow that."

12:20am
Karen offhandedly remarks (as she stuffs her face) that she is lactose intolerant. She says she is going to have gas sending her through the roof and to watch out for singed eyebrows in the morning. Jase says, ""I can't lose because I can't face the firemen after losing to a woman."

12:23am
Jase: "There is no way I'm going down. You (Diane) should go get her some ice cream and a hot tub. I will not lose to you.
Diane: "I can stand here all dang night."

12:36am
Scott: "Is it really worth it, guys?"
Diane: "I think you should let a girl have it. Let a girl have the HOH room!"
Jase: "This is not the year for the women. The women always win!"

1:25am
Marvin: "I'm gettin' damn bored!"

1:27am -- New Rule
Both feet must remain firmly planted on the platform. You cannot lift your feet. Their pants get rolled up to the knees so BB can watch the feet.

2:14am
Diane tells Jase, "I do believe we are going to see the California sunrise together."

2:22am
Jase tells Diane he's not getting beat by a chick after he went through Survival School.

2:31am
Jase goes off on Cowboy and Scott for not saving him any pizza when he's out here struggling. Marvin says there's a whole MF-roast beef in the house, and some ice cream.

2:49am
Jase's foot keeps moving toward the end. He has been warned by BB.

2:54am
Jase starts making farmyard animal sounds. Someone says, "If he starts laying eggs, I'm out of here."

2:59am
Camera zooms in on Jase's heels and toes that are both over the edge.

3:23am -- Jase is Out! DIANE WINS!!
Jase's heel is over the edge again. BB calls it. Jase is angry and feels that he has been called on a technicality.