Tuna News, July 10, 2006

It was a weekend short of strategy and long on one-liners. It was a weekend of kickball and boobies (with Howie in the house, when is it not a season of boobies?). What was news over the weekend in the Big Brother House? Check it out! Because He was all out of Cheeze-Nips Chicken George who doesn't seem to know anything about anything asks James about the six finger plan. After not understanding several times, James tries again, this time using gym equipment as houseguests. Sadly, it didn't help. It's Good to have a Plan Marcellas gets up and says, "This day is about a nap, a shower, waffles at 4:00, another nap and trash talk in the Diary Room." You Gotta Have Game Diane, who is not-so-subtly campaigning to keep Ali in the house goes to chat with Chicken George. She asks him who he's going to vote for, and he says he doesn't know. Diane tells him he needs to start thinking about these things. She asks if he's talked to anybody yet, and he said no, he was just listening, and only barely. Diane asks him if he's playing the listening game. George says yeah, until he figures out what he's doing. Diane says she thinks he already knows what he's doing, and if he's playing the no-playing game, well, that's going to get him in trouble too. All-Star Lingo "Amber Alert" -- Those who play "under the radar". Taken from Survivor All Star's Amber, who did absolutely nothing, and then won the million. "Kaysar Clause" -- People who get voted off, kicked out or otherwise removed, only to be returned to the game by sudden rule shifts. What's in a Name? The naming of the tarantulas continues. The little one is Cowboy, the big one is Monica, the cute one is Lisa and the hairiest one is Bunky. Touchy-Feely Marcellas offers up a unique Big Brother strategy. His plan was to target the first person to touch a bible and the first person to touch a pan. The logic (if one could call it that ) would be that it would be best to take out the moral bible thumper and whomever wanted to be head cook. He said those are two strategies that make it to the end. Point/Counterpoint Howie: "I want to stay as close to you as possible to get the most airtime." Will: "There is nothing wrong with being an understudy." Janelle: "How many calories do you think the fried taco is?" Chicken George: "Do I look like a man that counts calories??" Howie: "I love this! It takes me back to second grade!" James: "What, two weeks ago?" Diane: (Playing kickball) "I'm just an easy out." Howie: "The easy part sounds good, Diane." Howie: "Get me a waffle, William" Will: "I'll put your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies." Howie: "This guy's got a line for everything...but you'd be funnier with a tan...or any pigmentation at all." James: "Marcellas, it's one o'clock in the morning and you're still looking great. It must be great to be you." Marcellas: "You only say that because you know I love it." Picky, Picky, Picky It isn't even Peanut Butter Jelly Time (with a baseball bat!) and the hamsters are already complaining about the food. Marcellas comes out the storeroom complaining, "Why do they have to buy cheap cookies? Like, this is almost Chip Ahoy, but not quite. If you squint, you'd think it was." Strategy Number One - Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie Janelle and Erika talk strategy, and Erika tells Janelle that everybody fears the number advantage of season six. Janelle asks, "Outnumbered? Really? Do you think they're gonna come after us? Did you hear something?" Erika answers, "Absolutely not." Strategy Number Two - Have an Alliance. Have Two. Howie advises Mike Boogie on making it to the end. He says, "If you're in the finale three, forget Will -- throw him under the bus." How says, "I have seven alliances. One of them has to be good and get me through." Never allowing a minute to pass without the chance to one-up others, James says, "I have fourteen alliances." Strategy Number Three - Conspiracy Target Poor Chicken George. Nobody, NOBODY trusts this guy. Mike Boogie doesn't buy his act, but he doesn't want to get rid of him because he cooks and cleans. Janelle says he (George) reminds her of a hedgehog. Marcellas says, "George knows everything. He knows your mama's name. He knows it all." Danielle doesn't trust him and wants to call him out, but first she corners him in the storeroom to make sure she has his vote. Dr. Will suffers from extreme frustration, saying, "Who is going to bond with George? I am trying, but I can't." Howie summed it up best, saying, "Chicken George can't tell me he didn't watch Big Brother Six. George Bush watched Big Brother Six!" Strategy Number Four - Bargaining Chip It's always good to have a little something to give you leverage when you're fighting for power in the Big Brother House. James offers nude pictures of Sara if they throw the HoH competition for him. The Downside of Exercise Will, Boogie and Ali do a couple of Pilates sessions with Erika. After a particularly grueling workout, Will said, "Well, the four of us are now nice and flexible, while the other ten are in the house forming an alliance." Potent Quotables Kaysar: "In my season, HoH questions were pretty straightforward. You just had to be paying attention. Anybody could get them right...even Howie." Will: "Maggie (BB6) wasn't asked to be an All Star. If you were hated for being boring rather than evil, they didn't ask you to come back." Howie: "American, thanks for voting Erika back, she's got a great rack!" Janelle: "Howie, why do you keep repeating things from last season? It's annoying. I'm serious!" Marcellas: "Someone give me a needle and thread so I can sew my mouth shut!" Nakomis: "People always under-estimate me. They just see the blue-haired girl." Howie: "If you nominate me for a strategic reason, Okay. But if it's personal like you don't like my socks, I will destroy you." Parting Shots Will: "Howie, everyone else might think you're a weird sack of shit, but you're alright to me."

Tuna News, July 7, 2006

Nothing like starting off the Tuna News 2006 edition and having Blogger eat the entire post, destroying an hour of work. No matter -- it's Friday, it's Big Brother All Stars and it's AWN (tm Monica, even though she didn't make it in the house). What happened overnight? Plotting and bitching and drinking ... oh my! Let's roll up our sleeves and get going, shall we? Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer If it's Big Brother then there has to be a twist. Always the bright boy, James says the twist of Big Brother Seven is that Will and James are automatically nominated every week. Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them Already nominated for eviction, Ali worries that she doesn't know how much campaigning has been going on. Diane tells her, "I don't think that much. You're not the target." Arachnophobia The pets this year? Not fish. Not pigs. Not mechanical dogs. It's tarantulas! James wonders if they should name them Eric, Maggie and Beau. Is There a Doctor in the House? Dr. Will says he likes being a specialist because then he doesn't have to know other stuff. He don't know nothing about problems with body parts, but if someone needs Botox, he's their man! Point-Counterpoint Will: Howie is like Mike Tyson jacked up on roofies. James: Mike Tyson's smarter. Ali: Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations! Howie: Do you even know how to spell that?? Will: After the show we'll all have a big party. You should see us in normal life. Howie: Come to Howiegordon.com Will: I thought your website was clownpenis.fart And a Wee Bit of Strategerie Ali and James talk in the bathroom. James tells Ali she is one of the two most feared players in BB history right now. Ali says maybe three years ago. She says now she is old school. GreenTuna wonders if that is code for has-been. Nakomis and Diane talk about Ali's stupidity and that she played too hard too fast. Diane then rambles on, saying, "We know we can't trust her! Everybody is scared! What's the game plan? Do we even have one??" Meanwhile, Marcellas is worried about Chicken George ... And Boogie ... and Dr. Will ... and ... And a Wee Bit of Flirterie Erika and Kaysar spend a huge chunk of time at the pool table. Kaysar says he and Erika are boring. Erika tells him, "we're the sane ones in the asylum." Then Erika pumps Kaysar for information about what girls he likes. Kaysar says attraction is important, but personality is most important. Erika says, "OK, I'll marry you." Kaysar says, "I thought you'd never ask." Show Me The Money The houseguests reminisce over BB4, when Lori won $10k on the first night and then was evicted immediately thereafter. Diane says, "Lori loves money. It wouldn't matter how much it was, she would have taken it and left." Marcellas says, "Cowboy would have taken it, and if he didn't April (his wife) would have eaten him." 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall With only two beers apiece, Howie offers to buy more alcohol if it's a budget issue. 98 Bottles of Beer on the Wall James worries about drinking with a possible veto competition tomorrow. Diane yells, "Nerd Alert!" 97 Bottles of Beer on the Wall Dr. Will suggests they all go silent so Big Brother will give them beer. Big Brother examines his butt for flying monkeys. 96 Bottles of Beer on the Wall Firing a direct shot across the bow, Dr. Will says, "I don't want people to get drunk and talk about Star Wars." Parting Shots Jase: Cowboy was all heart, but no brain. Kaysar: Chicken George, Evil Dr. Will, Howie the Jedi ... It's like we're washed up Superheroes. Will: If you want skin like Howie, use everything but the good stuff. Howie's skin is like an old leather shoe. Marcellas: Janelle and Danielle both have fake boobs. If they want to do the Slip 'n Slide, this could end very badly! Howie: The Nerd Herd can kiss my ass ... I know you're watching! Marcellas: I'm charmed by Boogie, but not enough to have a conversation. Will: The girls on my season were like Hungarian goat wrestlers. Marcellas: I hate it when Big Brother wants you to be all slow and dramatic when you pull out the keys, when all you wanna be is like, "Bitch!" Will: Erika in a bikini at midnight ... I love this show!

Tuna News Sneak Preview, July 6, 2006

After both hell and high water, the presses are ready to roll once again. Big Brother 7 - All Stars debuts tonight, and after the sort-of live show (except, ahem, all the parts that aren't) it's time to fire up those 24 hour feeds and get ready for 3 months of butt numbing excitement. For the sake of those who wish not to be spoiled, we shall not get into the hour-long audio oopsie that happened on Tuesday, essentially giving away who is in the house, and the first big twist. For the time being, we'll just play along and pretend that we don't know what's going on yet. There's less than 4 hours to go. Are you ready? I am.