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No, it's not a mistake! There are new posts. Actually, there are old posts in new places. The complete run of BB5's TunaNews is now available right here. Head on over to the archives to relive the Cowbonics, MFMarvinisms and Pinky Swearing right here. Tell the Horsemen and the Santa Monica Van Boys Tuna sent ya.

TUNA NEWS -- FINAL EDITION 2004

Welp, it's over. By a vote of 4-3, Drew walked home with the Golden PB&J Crown and the $500k prize. Did anything happen on the very last day of BB5? With Cowboy in tow, Magic 8-Ball says "Outlook promising." THE FAME GAME Cowboy tells Drew that when he gets out of the house he's going to have to have a long talk with April. Drew asks, "Why?" Cowboy explains, "I want her to be able to trust me. I don't know how womens [sic] are gonna react now." (Greentuna: "Cowboy. You are safe.") I WANNA SHAKE YOUR HAND The hamsters are excited to hear that the jury will not be re-entering the house, and that they will have about 300 fans outside at the end of the show. Cowboy exclaims, "Just our screaming fans! I'll even give the jury a hug." Drew adds, "Even Marvin! Or, I'll shake his hand." SHE BANG! SHE BANG! When they find out there will be 300! Screaming! Fans! Drew asks, "Is this the last season?" Cowboy says, "Could be, dude. They're going out with a bang! They've never done this before! This is the BANG!" THE MANY CAREERS OF COWBOY Drew needs a haircut. Cowboy to the rescue. Cowboy says, "You didn't know I was a barber, did you?" Drew says, "Nope!" Cowboy finishes up and says, "It's not awesome or anything, but..." and Drew says, "Better than anyone else could do." WHO'LL BE A WITNESS? Cowboy fondly reminisces about Lori. He's looking forward to hugging and kissing her after the show. Ahem. He tells Drew about the time she grabbed his ass. Cowboy exclaims, "Savage was there! He witnessed it!" LAST SUPPER Cowboy and Drew sit down to have one final PB&J sandwich...which turns into a couple of PB&J sandwiches. BB says, "Remember houseguests, if you win the $500k prize, you'll never have to eat peanut butter and jelly again!" Drew, mouth crammed, says, "Dish ish the laft one!" PRAYER OF THE COWPOKE - SHORT VERSION "We're not asking you to choose Lord, cuz we both deserve to win." "We need some get up and go, Lord, and I imagine our fans will give us that." "Lord, if we get our own sitcom, we'll know it's because of you." PRAYER OF THE COWPOKE - LONG VERSION Cowboy: While we're coming to you Lord, please give us the strength to just finish this show, go outside and just smile real big for the fans, and just have fun with it Lord. You know this and we know we could not have done this without you Lord. Anything is possible through you Lord. We know that whatever happens tonight, there's gonna be no hard feeling. Lord, we talk about you, and how much you gave us with this great experience. Because of you we have this great friendship. And you know Lord, whatever happens you know, we love you both, and we know just again, strength strength strength lord we need that to finish this. We need motivation Lord, up and go Lord, and I imagine the fans will do that for us. And Lord we know this is the last show, and we think that we both know we need your help Lord. This is the very last show again and you know we need you and whatever happens, happens. And Lord just be with our fans, and stuff when they go travel back home. You know Lord, just be with their families and stuff whilt they're here and our families you know they're so much and I thank you for everyone who has been a part of this show; they've been awesome and they've been great for us, and thank you for all that Lord. Whatever happens if we get our own sitcom Lord it'll all be because of you. So please just be with us when we do our PR stuff or whatever you have planned for us. Be with us, all the houseguests, when we travel. Amen. Drew: Amen, Buddy. Cowboy: It's about gotta be ready to go time, baby! AND, FISH

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 21, 2004

Finally, it's Finale Night at the Big Brother house. Did Big Brother drop any final twists on our two little Pony Pals? Has Cowboy concocted yet another career move post-BB5? Did Diane storm the house to get her man? POWER PLAYERS Cowboy discuses (wait for it...wait for it...) his SITCOM! He tells Drew that he "might teach Julie (Chen) about our sitcom, because we know you (Julie) has some pull around here." SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO NOW? Drew asks Cowboy if he would stay in the house two more months for $1 million. Cowboy says sure. Drew asks if he would stay in the house one more year for $10 million. Cowboy says, "Only if they'd let you have visits or something. " GO FISH Drew and Cowboy wonder about the fate of the fish in the tank. Cowboy asks Drew if his Dad has a fishtank. Drew says no. Cowboy is surprised, saying, "I thought all lawyers had fishtanks." Cowboy asks Drew if he has a pool (Nope) or a hot tub (Nope) . SECRETS REVEALED Drew says he is excited to see Scott and Jase and Lori. Cowboy admits, "Jase is gonna be pissed at me." Drew asks why, and Cowboy says, "Because I didn't get you out of the house." Drew says, "Me? Out of the house?" Cowboy tells him, "Because he didn't think you were a loyal horseman." Cowboy also tells Drew that he and Jase were in the Final group together before the show began, and they formed an alliance back then. THERE'S STILL TIME TO VISIT THE CONSPIRACY STAND Drew suggests there is one more twist coming up. Cowboy asks what the twist will be. Drew says, "Two new houseguests are coming in for us to vote off." Cowboy asks what their names are, and Drew answers, "Holly Dolly Jolly and Lori." SAY CHEESE Cowboy teases Drew, saying, "I haven't seen pictures of my family in the last 3 months because some jackass kept winning HoH." Drew says, "Yeah, well some jackass kept you here until the final two!" COWBOY MAKES A REAL FUNNY BB: "Remember Houseguests, if you win $500k, you'll never have to eat peanut butter and jelly again." Cowboy: "You know, while you're at it, you might as well might as well tell us about 400 laps in the Big Brother pool equal what...a mile?" BB: "Remember Houseguests, To swim one mile, you only have to swim 440 laps in the Big Brother pool." Cowboy: "You might as well tell us we're two sexy guys." Drew: "While you're at it." FINAL WORDS Drew: "We don't have to talk anymore." Cowboy: "Nope."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 20, 2004

It's the last Monday in the BB5 House. When we last left our heroes, Diane had exactly one minute to pick up the broken pieces of her heart, not to mention her wallet. Cowboy turned I LOVE YOU, MAN into his Friday night anthem, and Drew jumped to the head of the line at the Reality Idiots Convention. You can find him next to the ice sculpture of Colby and Marcellas. What's been happening since the cameras stopped rolling on Friday? WHO SAID IT? #1. "I'm starting to think our families are already here." #2. "We are such fine specimens of the human male." #3. "We gotta look good for Julie, don't we?" #4. "We are gonna be studs when we get out" #5. "I don't think it will be as bad as last year. They didn't even want to vote." #6. "It's going to be like facing a firing squad." #7. "Jesus is not a wimp" #8. "Marvin's not going to vote for me! He thinks I'm racist!" #9. "Funny, funny Big Brother. Everything is peanut butter and jelly." #10. "I'm ready for politics now." (Drew=1, 2, 6, 7, 9 ~~~ Cowboy=3, 4, 5, 8, 10) BRING ME A SHRUBBERY Seeing his BB fame coming to a close, Cowboy starts planning his next career move. He says, "I'm ready for politics now" but quickly adds, "Actually, I still want my sitcom first." Cowboy also tells Drew that April would like to run for office, and perhaps be Governor. RESUME BUILDER Forgetting one tiny detail called THE INTERNET, Cowboy swears Drew to secrecy when he reveals he used to be a High School Mascot. He was BIG WILLY WILDCAT and he shared the responsibility with another high school senior. He says, "That's why I can do toe touches." REAL REALITY TELEVISION Cowboy admits, "If I don't get my sitcom and only 50-grand, I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to go back to work." Awww. Stand in line, buddy. RUNAWAY JURY Saturday night Cowboy and Drew had to face questions from the Jury. The jury could see them (via plasma screen), but they could not see the jury. The questions were as followed: Will asked Cowboy and Drew to look at each other and tell them why they shouldn't win. Adria asked Drew what was his strategy in regards to the jury. Marvin called Cowboy racist and Drew a womanizer. Karen asked Cowboy why he voted out Nakomis. Diane told Drew his goodbye wasn't sincere and told Cowboy he didn't do jack shit in the game. POST-JURY AFTERGLOW, COWBOY STYLE Cowboy is really upset about Diane and Marvin's comments. He says, "I know I'm not getting Diane's vote, but you don't gotta drill me like that. And Marvin, he's not gonna vote for me because he thinks I'm racist. My mother would slap me dead." A distressed Cowboy mutters, "I don't think I'm gonna get my own sister's vote." Maybe it's because you voted her out of the house? POST-JURY AFTERGLOW, DREW STYLE Drew cannot let go of the thought of Marvin and Diane together. Alone (As alone can be with five other hamsters). In the sequester house of ill repute. Marvin told Drew that he (Drew) had tore Diane's heart out and Marvin would be there to help her through it. For the remainder of the weekend, Drew's sole topic of conversation was Marvin and Diane. Cowboy helps Drew out by continually bashing Diane and then talking about himself and his hard decisions. Oh, and he's not racist either. And he's poor. Did I mention he wants a sitcom? SO THIS IS LOVE? Still bothered by Diane's comments, Drew wonders how his goodbye wasn't sincere. "What was I supposed to say? I love you...I'll eat your puke?" Cowboy asks Drew what he said to Diane. Drew tells him, "I said 'I hope we hang out after the show' and stuff." (Who wouldn't be moved by that?) PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! BB sends Cowboy and Drew to the Storage Room, and inside they find a huge gift basket full of PB&J related items: Peanut Butter Cups, Jelly Beans, Peanut Butter cookies, Skippy snack bars, PB&J lollipops...and Beer. GOVERNMENT 101 Cowboy tells Drew, "There is an age for President. 46, I think." (bzzzzz) Drew says, "I thought it was 24 or something." (bzzzzz) Cowboy says, "That's for State Representative. Could be Governor...Could maybe possibly be 30." (bzzzzzzzzzzz) I don't know. I know in Government, I slept through it. But I'm running for State Representative, then Governor, then the White House, and tell a million people I'm not racist!" COWBOY: THIS IS YOUR LIFE Cowboy gives Drew the rundown of his life. Age 17 Vice President of "The Explorers" -- A Future police officers club. Age 18-19 Volunteer Firefighter. Search and rescue. Storm spotter. Age 19 Got married. Still volunteer firefighter. Age 20 Moved to Colorado. Worked in loss-prevention. The boss wanted to send me to speech class and English class. Put in notice to move back to Oklahoma. Age 21 Divorce. EMT School. Subsequently let EMT license lapse. Started working at Wal-Mart. April's mom worked at Wal-Mart and got her and Cowboy together, "Even though she knew I had screwed two other girls at Wal-Mart. She knew I was a good guy. A Christian guy." PARTING SHOTS FROM THE 6-SHOOTER Cowboy: "That's where I am at today because of my hard work and discipline. I feel this place has made me a better man." Cowboy: "Every jury is different, and we have a weird one." Cowboy: "Well, I think you have a good chance against me, so congratulations!" Cowboy: "Acting will let me be myself!" Cowboy: "I am not dumb. I am more street smart than book smart." Cowboy: "We will be like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon!"

COWBOY NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 17, 2004

It's Eviction Friday! BB has not yet run the final portion of the HoH competition, so our scorecard remains the same: Drew won part 1, Cowboy won part 2, Diane is using her super Spidey grip to attach herself to both Drew and Cowboy. What happened yesterday in the Big Brother House? Well, if nothing else, Drew is earning his BB5 winnings by listening to All-Cowboy Talk Radio. Is Cowboy is your favorite too? (You KNOW he is!) Sit back lil' buckaroos, and grab your dictionary. It's the Cowboy show. COWBOY STARS IN THE APPRENTICE Cowboy says he has been told by lots of managers that he interviews really well. Greentuna thinks that's because he's had lots of practice. COWBOY STARS IN FRIENDS Cowboy tells Drew, "You are a best friend to me, and you will probably be right next to me when I get married, and I mean that." COWBOY STARS IN THE SOPRANOS Cowboy tells Drew, "I got rid of my own sister because of my word, and I mean right there, that has to say a lot." Greentuna thinks, "It says you'll be eating Thanksgiving dinner in the garage." COWBOY STARS IN ALF Cowboy tells Drew, "You're so much like me and it's kinda weird how this experience has brought us together." COWBOY STARS IN SESAME STREET Cowboy tells Drew, "I learned a lot from you, and you learned a lot from me, and that's how it should be." COWBOY STARS IN ALIENS Cowboy tells Drew, "I see a young man growing in you and you got a lot of experience in this game. You've learned so much and I can see it in you." COWBOY STARS IN THE WALTONS Cowboy tells Drew, "I think you will be able to go out in that world and be an awesome man. And being young with no decisions before here, you did awesome." COWBOY STARS IN MARTHA STUART LIVING Cowboy tells Drew, "I'm looking forward (to winning HoH) with the pillows, 'cause I've got my pillows. I'm so sore. I'm ready to have my own pillows." COWBOY STARS IN IRON CHEF Cowboy tells Drew, "The chips fell in our lap. And that's the way the cookie crumbles." COWBOY STARS IN TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL Cowboy tells Drew, "I lost that competition for a reason. And that is for being nice. God made it up to you and me." (Jesus crawls out of an ox suit and says, 'No problem.') COWBOY STARS IN THE TEN COMMANDMENTS Cowboy tells Drew, "Nothing will change my mind. My choice is in stone. It was when we first hit our fists. My family knows that. With God as my witness, I could not have done this without God and you." COWBOY STARS IN THE GODFATHER Cowboy tells Drew, "I can sleep at night and have a good friend to show for it. I guess I can call you my best friend, because I trust you so much." COWBOY STARS IN ER Cowboy is excited because BB has stocked the house with Strawberry milk, Cheetos, Pop-Tarts, Fruit Roll-Ups, Fritos, canned chili and Gatorade. Greentuna feels ill. COWBOY STARS IN BB AUSTRALIA THE DINGO ATE MY COWBOY! Cowboy says he wants to do Big Brother Australia for the "Australian Chicks." COWBOY STARS IN BARNEY Cowboy spends some time attempting a macaroni message to April and Chason. COWBOY STARS IN JEOPARDY! Cowboy tells Drew, "I think I am smarter than I give myself credit for." COWBOY STARS IN THE 700 CLUB Cowboy tells Drew, "You'll see the true me tomorrow when I pick who stays. There are two Christian guys who will be in the final two. COWBOY STARS IN THE DATING GAME Cowboy says maybe he should fix Drew up with a girl from Oklahoma. COWBOY STARS IN PAPILLON Cowboy tells Drew, "The world loves us, Dude. We both escaped the block. They probably thought that one of us was gone that week." COWBOY STARS ON DR. PHIL Cowboy discusses Scott, saying, "You know he's gonna have problems going into malls....girls wanting his semen." COWBOY STARS IN MISS AMERICA Cowboy tells Drew he credits his success in the BB game to his winning personality, which he got from his mother. Greentuna hisses, "WORLD PEACE. The answer is WORLD PEACE." COWBOY STARS IN THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS Cowboy tells Drew, "If she (Diane) spreads rumors and tells you anything, you come and tell me. I don't know if she'll go that low. I'm just saying..." COWBOY STARS IN WHAT NOT TO WEAR Cowboy tells Drew, "When I said I want you at my left side at the altar, I mean it. If my brother isn't there, you will be my brother." Drew says, "I'll be honored, man." Cowboy adds, "I know you will. You'll have to wear a Cowboy suit, though." COWBOY STARS IN THE AMAZING RACE Cowboy tells Drew, "Praying for miracles has brought God into this. I just thought about that now." COWBOY STARS IN SURVIVOR Drew asks Cowboy if they will have to pack everything today, or if they'll have time tomorrow. Cowboy tells him, "It don't matter, cuz you ain't leaving."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 17, 2004

Wow! Did you know there were THREE people in the house? Yes indeed. Aside from Chatty Cathy, there is also a hamster named Drew and another named Diane. Was anybody else able to get a word in edgewise yesterday? Amazingly enough, the answer is YES. HEY, IF IT WORKED FOR ADRIA Diane tells Drew that she'll be praying for him at the final competition. COWBOY COWBOY COWBOY! Channeling Jan from The Brady Bunch, Drew and Diane complain that all Cowboy ever talks about is himself. (And they're just noticing that NOW??) Drew says, "Everything is about him. No one has had more jobs than him. It's always about money." Diane adds, "Poor this, poor that. Every other word out of his mouth is how poor he is." Drew agrees, saying, "I am about to jump down his throat. Like Dude, you know what?? I GOT IT!" Diane says, "Life is full of choices. Getting married is an expense. Kids are an expense. It's your choice. If you are gonna want to do that, don't complain about it." After much complaining, Diane sums it all up by exclaiming, "He sucks. That's all I got to say." KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM Diane hazes Drew for his packing technique. She doesn't think he can fit everything into his suitcase. Diane says, "It's all in the way you fold. I'm just telling you. I'm going to laugh at you later." A few minutes later she says, "This is the way you fold?? And you worked at Abercrombie??" 7 ANGRY HAMSTERS Diane and Drew speculate on jury questions. Diane says she will just say, "I don't care who you give the money to. Second place is more than YOU'RE (the jury) leaving with." Diane thinks that she and Drew are more "marketable" as the "Couple who won BB." PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE Drew practices his Cowboy eviction speech in front of Diane. He says, "Cowboy, I know that we had goals, but I feel like I don't stand a chance up against you, and I had a promise with Diane...." Diane says, "Yeah....But you should say something GOOD about me." Diane tells Drew, "You should say something like 'ever since you won the first veto your personality has changed, and we have seen a completely different side of you.'" Drew tries out the phrase, "You pulled something out of Diane that...like a contract kind of thing...you used your power to leverage more and you never told me about that and that makes me not trust you." WALKIES! Diane: "You remind me of one of my dogs!" Drew: "What??" Diane: "You remind me of one of my dogs! I just can't stop kissing you!" Drew: "Oh. Way to make me feel good about myself." Diane: "You know what I mean!" FINAL THOUGHTS Diane: "How did you make it through the game without pissing anyone off?" Cowboy: "Who?" Diane: "You two." Cowboy: "By being ourselves." Diane: "But I WAS myself!" GreenTuna: "Exactly."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 16, 2004

It's the Thursday non-elimination (heck, it's the Non-Big Brother) leg of the race. With Drew victorious in Round One of the HoH competition, who will win round two? Will Cowboy continue to talk about his HARD DECISION? And Diane? Will she continue in her Diane-ness? CURRENT SCORECARD Drew won the 47-minute Part-One HoH Competition COWBOY wins the second round of the HoH Competition Drew and Cowboy will compete for the final, the ultimate Golden HoH with cherries and whipped cream and sprinkles on top GREENTUNA forgets to mention yesterday that Nakomis was evicted by Cowboy. It was a HARD DECISION, but Cowboy went for the backstabbing friend over his sister. Were you surprised? Yeah, me neither. FUTURAMA The remaining hamsters talk about what life will be like outside the house. Cowboy says he won't know how to act at all, but he wants to be sure he is back in LA in January. Diane supposes she will go to Kentucky for a month or two, but then she's "outta there." AGRICULTURAL REPORT Cowboy proves "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" as he compares himself to his father-in-law. I am assuming it is "future father-in-law" as opposed to "ex-father-in-law." Anyway. They both like to make money. They both like to "pinch pennies." The raised animals (rabbits, etc.) and when they didn't make any money, they ATE THEM. Good thing he didn't raise elephants. COWBOY'S KITCHEN STADIUM Iron Chef Cowboy tells the HGs that once upon a time he wanted to go to a culinary school in Oregon. HAS COUCH, WILL TRAVEL Cowboy offers his philosophy on life. He says, "If you do a job you love and love to get up and go to that, you will be healthier and live longer." Obviously Cowboy has never worked in a nuclear reactor or a coal mine. Cowboy also says he has many, many goals in his life and has changed his mind many, many times. I would imagine they were HARD DECISIONS. MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO Cowboy asked for game playing advice from his father in-law (in between rabbit bites) and he told him, "Go into the house and be yourself, and everybody will love you." ARTS AND CRAFTS Inspired by the soap-making project from a few days ago, Drew decides to do some macaroni art. He spells out Diane, I think you're Hot and then shows it to Cowboy, explaining he made the picture to "help her self esteem." I know whenever I'm feeling blue, pasta pictures always make me feel better. WORDS OF WISDOM Big Brother: "Remember Houseguests, if you win the half million dollar prize, you will never have to eat peanut butter again." OH, THAT KARMA After Diane lost phase two of the HoH competition to Cowboy, she went into overdrive crying mode, telling Drew he MUST win tomorrow. Diane says she lost because of bad Karma, saying, "This is because I asked him (Cowboy) to put up my hair yesterday." Evidently Diane couldn't remember several details of BB5 history. One of the questions was Who did Adria nominate? and Diane says, "Will and Cowboy...right?" Nope. Will and Marvin. How could you forget the infamous "Jesus told me to nominate the black guy and the gay guy" strategy? WORKING IT -- DIANE STYLE Diane tells Drew that Cowboy doesn't deserve to win the game. She tells Drew that he will win the final phase of HoH because he is smart and athletic. Drew agrees yet again to take Diane to the final two. COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 1 -- "SMILE" Cowboy: "Because of you (Drew -- and the fact that they are going to the final two) I can get my teeth fixed. COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 2 -- "V-DAY" Cowboy: "My victory is your victory. And your victory's mine. We share it together and our families share it together. COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 3 -- "TEARS OF JOY" Cowboy: "I want to cry, but I'll wait until Thursday night. And I will cry then, and I know you will too. We'll do it together. COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 4 -- "CHA-CHING!" Cowboy: "Dude, I can honestly say I will be debt free." COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 5 -- "TRUST ME!" Cowboy: "You can trust me. I voted out my sister." COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 6 -- "STRATEGERY" Cowboy: "If it's an obstacle thing, you know what you have to do." Drew: "Yeah. Keep my shoelaces untied." COWBOY WORKS IT -- PART 7 -- "ENOUGH ALREADY" Cowboy: "Now it begins. The Two Horsemen. You and me, one and two. My family will be so proud. Outside of this we will be best friends. I've got so many things for you to do outside of this. My word is good. We go out together to talk to Julie as Horsemen. We tell her about our ride.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 15, 2004

When we last left our three stooges, they were perched on the production set inspired by the Craft store clearance sale of Styrofoam boulders. Standing on two black posts and holding a key, the hamsters prepared for hours upon hours of grueling competition. As a surprise to exactly no one, the set starts a-heavin' and a-shaking. Who will win Round One of the final HoH competition? How long will Cowboy last before he sings verse 96 of 'My decision was HARD. It was a HARD DECISION. DECISION. HARD. IT WAS.' Will Cowboy finally get his letter from home? Will Diane be able to win despite her lack of anatomy for this balls-out competition? LONG-ASS GRUELING ENDURANCE COMPETITION (READERS DIGEST VERSION) 7:00 Competition Begins 7:17 Cowboy is out 7:46 Diane is out *snort* ENDURANCE COMPETITION - HAMSTER VERSION 7:03 Diane Diane says "I can't breathe." Hope springs eternal for recappers everywhere. Guess she shouldn't have eaten that second potato-chip. 7:06 Cowboy Cowboy doesn't understand the rules. He thinks he can continue to hold onto the key using upper body strength (now he levitates?) without his feet touching the ground. "Suppose the platform is shaking and we fall, but our feet don't hit the ground, and you still manage to hold onto your key and reposition yourself, does that count?" BB says, "Yes, if you can manage that." 7:08 Cowboy Cowboy doesn't understand anything. Now he asks if the Internet is watching the competition. BB says, "yep." 7:13 Cowboy Cowboy feels like he is going to bust, so he finally says, "IT WAS A HARD DECISION." 7:17 COWBOY IS OUT. What an idiot. It seems Cowboy was "helping Diane with her hair" and his foot slipped off. Diane puts her apologies on autoplay, and promise Cowboy she'll buy him something nice from Amazon when she gets home. Don't forget to throw in a case of Turtle-Wax and some Rice-a-Roni (The San Francisco Treat). Cowboy tells her it wasn't her fault. Diane says it was 50% her fault. Evidently what happened was Cowboy was helping her with one hand, but forgot to hold onto the key with the other hand. Oh, those pesky rules. 7:30 Diane Once Cowboy goes out and goes inside, Diane says, "I feel a little guilty but not too much." Then Diane and Drew start speed bargaining. Diane asks, "You wanna just let go and let me take it?" She adds, "I promise you I'll take you. I. PROMISE. You." 7:35 Drew The set starts shaking again. Drew yells, "Is that all you got?? Bring it ON!" The center post holding the keys starts to move downward. Poor Diane. First she complains that her hands are slippery because she put lotion on them before the competition. Then she says, "My jeans are too tight for me to do this. If this keeps on there is a good chance you are going to see my ass-crack." 7:38 Diane Diane asks if she can kiss Drew. Drew yells, "NO!" Diane says, "it's part of my strategy." The set starts shaking again. Diane yells, "It's like a really big vibrator." mmmYeah. Couldn't see that one coming. So to speak. 7:46 DIANE IS OUT. DREW WINS PART 1 Diane falls off less than a minute after 1. Drew agrees to throw the competition and give it to her, and 2. She declares herself to be the Queen of Endurance, saying "No one can beat me." Karma crawls out from under a rock and congratulates himself on a job well-done. POST COMPETITION WRAP-UP Cowboy: "I know that competition was made for me, and I messed up." Diane: "The next part (of the HoH competition) is "smart" and I'm not smart!" Diane: (To Drew) "I want you to give me the final HoH so I can vote Cowboy out! I can't wait! I'll tell him he backed me into a wall and made me do things I didn't want to do." Cowboy: (To Drew) "The horsemen in the final two! I know whichever one of us wins, Diane will be bullshitting us to take her to the final two!" Drew: (To himself) "I'm going to win HoH and the WHOLE THING!"

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 14, 2004

Welcome to a slightly later (thank goodness one of my students was sick today) edition of the TunaNews. It's eviction night in the BB household. Who will stay and who will go? Will Cowboy be able to make his very, very VERY hard decision? Did he tell you it was a HARD DECISION? Will Cowboy live the rest of his life in a CAPS LOCK LEANED OVER kind of way? KLEPTOMANIACS 'R US The hamsters discuss what they'd like to take from the house. Cowboy likes the pear scultpure. Drew likes the multiple-face sculpture. Nakomis prefers the green hammock of incessant rocking, plotting and pinky swearing. Cowboy decides to trade in his pear sculpture for door number three and says he would rather have the BowFlex. Later he decides he would like to have the hot tub. Nakomis deadpans, "I'm sure there's an inch of slime on it." THINGS THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN Cowboy thinks BB should provide one hour of music per day for the HGs. He thinks each hamster should be allowed to make a couple requests and BB could be the DJ. And then BB would arm squadrons of flying pigs and monkeys with deadly anvils and orders to strike immediately. THIS IS THE MOMENT Cowboy decides to make his big announcement that says essentially...nothing. He announces at the dinner table that he has made his decision, but he cannot reveal his decision...EVEN TO DREW! (How difficult this must be for Cowboy. How horribly hard and difficult and...difficult) Cowboy says, "I wisht I had three golden vetos, but I only got one." Cowboy tells the nominated hamsters (who suffer not nearly as much as he does because he has a HARD decision to make) that he doesn't have a calculator handy to add up bills, but he knows everybody needs the money. He hopes everyone will respect his decision (and the hardness of it, therein). CRAFTS! BB, in a moment of weakness, gives the HGs crafts. Today's fun is making soap. Nobody is particularly good at it, except Nakomis. Best moment of craft time? As the hamsters were cleaning up, Diane said, "At least this stuff comes off easy." Nakomis looks at her and says, "Well...it is SOAP." THINGS WE WISH WOULD HAPPEN Nakomis tells Diane, "If I hear the phrase, 'This is really a hard decision' one more time, I'm going to beat his head in with a spoon! Diane laughs and says, "What are you going to say tomorrow during your speech?" Nakomis says, "Dad's gonna be mad if you don't veto me!" CURRENT EVENTS 101 Cowboy says, "We didn't do anything today for September 16th." Then he stops and says, "No. September 11th. Today is the 12th (which it wasn't), so yesterday was the anniversary." Nakomis asks, "It's been a year?" Cowboy says, "Two years." Drew says, "No. Three years." Cowboy exclaims, "You're right! It was three years! I was married to my ex-wife then." REVISIONIST HISTORY Diane: I've NEVER kissed ass before. (pause) Diane: Well, maybe once in college, to get a grade changed. REALITY TV MATH 101 Cowboy worries that if he keeps Diane in the game (after making his HARD DECISION) that she'll get too cocky. Mr. Pots and Kettles says, "Not 50% cocky. I mean 100% cocky!!" Gah. That's the worst kind. REALITY TV GEOGRAPHY 101 Drew and Cowboy discuss gambling in Canada. He tells Cowboy you take a bridge to Canada, not a boat, because Canada is not in Europe. Well, technically, Drew-boy, you could take a boat to Canada. The bridge passes over water, not a lake of boiling lava. BAD IDEAS Diane plans to "call out" Cowboy tomorrow on live TV. She wants to point out how she saved Cowboy from eviction last week, and they had a promise. Although Diane has promised to take Cowboy to the final two, she plans NOT to keep that promise, saying, "I will take great pleasure in getting rid of him." She and Drew lament not getting rid of Cowboy earlier. They plan for the final HoH competition, thinking Cowboy will lose first, and once he is out (of the supposed endurance competition) Drew will relinquish HoH to Diane and she can win for the final week.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 13, 2004

Eight days and counting. Will Cowboy build his Dude Ranch for Children? Will Drew win enough cash to go golfing for the rest of his life? Will Diane win Drew? Will Nakomis win a new Hair Color? Will the hamsters provide enough entertainment to cobble together another show? CURRENT STATUS HoH - Drew Nominated - Diane and Nakomis Veto - Cowboy FINALLY, STEAK RARE The hamsters get more slabs of beef, and Nakomis cooks hers rare. While they eat the HGs tease her about her steak, asking her if she would eat it with fur on it. MORE POWER TO YOU Cowboy wins the veto competition and the rush of power overwhelms his 10-gallon hat. Diane asks Nakomis if she has noticed anything about America's Favorite, saying, "Cowboy is on a power trip from hell." Diane tells her, "Plain and simple. I don't kiss ass. " Diane says, "He (Cowboy) wanted me to do it last night, and I'm not going to do it. And Adria can kiss my ass too." AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO Diane tells Drew that she wants him to promise that if she is going to be evicted, that he tells her ahead of time. She says, "If I find out that something was going on, I will never speak to you again and you will not get my vote." Drew says, "Number one, don't even threaten me with that." Diane says, "Hey, you already threatened me with my dog's life and my sister's life. Now it's my turn to threaten you." Drew says, "I already apologized for that." IF WISHES WERE FISHES It's not exactly Champaign wishes and caviar dreams, but the best Diane can come up with is, "I wish I were in my car right now, listening to Kanye West, and going to Taco Bell. GET SMART - STRATEGY 1 Nakomis starts dropping little bombs everywhere. She starts off with the classic, Nobody will ever vote for me strategy, saying, "Marvin told me right before the live eviction that he knew he was going. He told me he thought I was cool, but that once he was in the jury house, I would not get his vote." GET SMART - STRATEGY 2 Nakomis plants the seeds of I don't have any stamina for the final HoH competition. Cowboy explains to Nakomis that the final HoH always has an endurance portion. Nakomis acts shocked, saying, "Oh, I'm dead. I'll never win that. I'm sorry that I'll embarrass my family." GET SMART - STRATEGY 3 Nakomis tosses off little comments to distance herself from perceived allies. She says Karen gave Nakomis all sorts of bad information to "screw with her head." GET SMART - STRATEGY 4 When in doubt, use the power of the pinky. Nakomis pinky-swears with Cowboy that she'll take him to the final 2. GET SMART - STRATEGY 5 Nakomis tells Cowboy she wants him to have his dude ranch. She says she knows how much it will help other children. GET DESPERATE - STRATEGY 6 Nakomis slips from strategy to desperation when she tells Cowboy not only does she want him to have his dude ranch, she will WORK at the dude ranch with him if he wants her to. Yikes. Enough of that, now. TO THE VICTOR BELONG THE SPOILS Did the strategy work? Cowboy confers with Drew, telling him they might need to keep Nakomis in the game because she isn't good at endurance competitions. Later, Cowboy flat-out asks Drew if he would be mad if Cowboy voted out Diane. Drew says no. MELTDOWN ON AISLE 2 Surprise! Diane and Drew have another fight about something most likely horribly inconsequential. The outcome is Diane stomping out of the HoH room, yelling, "I am not the bad guy! I'm so tired of that!!" Cowboy asks Drew, "What was that all about?" Drew says, "She's such a bitch. If she wants to screw herself in this game, let it be. I don't care." MELTDOWN ON AISLE 4 Nakomis finally has a major meltdown. She yells and screams out in the backyard for quite awhile, aiming her rants directly at BB, Arnold Shapiro and CBS. She yells that they told her it would be an easy summer and she'd make easy money. She yells about finding out that she had an half-brother on national television. She ends her long tirade yelling at one of the cameras, saying Yes, she knows she is staring at the camera, and she knows they won't be able to use this breakdown on television because she cursed through the whole thing. WHY COWBOY WON'T BE THE NEXT DR. PHIL Cowboy tries sympathize with Nakomis post-meltdown by giving her a lecture about how hard HIS role is this week, since he won the veto. He goes on and on about how much responsibility he has and two people he loves are on the block. Drew finally shuts Cowboy up by reminding him that he isn't nominated for eviction -- the girls are -- and they (the girls) are in a much worse position than Cowboy. WHY DIANE WON'T BE THE NEXT OPRAH Diane goes ballistic post-meltdown, feeling the entire scene took away all the focus and power from her. She says, "It doesn't matter if I drank, she (Nakomis) stole the whole fucking show. I'm sober as a judge." Drew says that everything Nakomis said was on the mark. Diane replies, "Now I'm going home because of that performance." Drew encourages Diane not to lose heart, saying, "there will be a lot more drama between now and Thursday (when he really means Tuesday)." WHY COWBOY WON'T BE THE NEXT MAURY Cowboy listens to Nakomis for awhile after her rant, and then says, "Don't give up. I'm walking away because my knees are locking up." REMEDIAL PHILOSOPHY Cowboy wonders what prompted Nakomis' outburst. He tells Drew, "I think it's kinda weird." Drew asks, "What do you think is weird?" Cowboy says, "I wonder why she broke down. Was it because of the meat?" YOU'RE ONLY A DAY AWAY Drew and Diane settle down in HoH. Drew tries to make Diane feel better, telling her (without benefit of fiddle-dee-dee), "Tomorrow is another day." Diane says, "Tomorrow is day one of the next 3 1/2 days you have to stay with me until we see each other out of this place." (They still think eviction is Thursday). Drew tells her she has a bad attitude. Diane answers, "That's why I'm walking out of this door. Because of my attitude." She says, "Three days for me to think what kind of performance I need to put on."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 10, 2004

Eleven days and counting. That's all that's left of the BB5 hamsters. With Karen gone, what will Cowboy, Nakomis, Drew, and Diane -- the girl most hated in all the world -- do to pass the time? Schedule First it's best to check the final schedule. The next eviction will be Tuesday, September 14th, immediately following a live Power of Veto Competition. On Friday, September 17th the last houseguest is evicted, leaving the fate of the final two to be decided by the jury on Tuesday, September 21st. Then....we rest. And return to Apprentice. And Survivor. And... Shaddup Already Diane goes into drama overdrive after Karen is evicted. She is sure everybody hates her. She knows it. She is going to eat worms. She is going to suffocate herself. She is going to hang herself. Nakomis offers to cut her down....eventually. Shaddup Already Diane tells BB she is ready for her close-up now. No. She tells BB she needs to go to the DR so she can vent about how people "should leave the game." Diane would never be mean like Karen was. Diane would be happy to go. Diane would hug everybody. Diane would kiss everybody. Diane was taught to be sensitive to what others are feeling. Except, evidently, live recappers, because Diane refuses to shut up. Try, Try Again Diane tells Cowboy she tried to throw the HoH competition so he would win. Cowboy says it's ok. He says Drew's ego just got in the way. Drew's Ego must be a euphemism for Cowboy's Ineptitude. Later, Diane, Drew and Cowboy agree that they will all have to go "balls out" for the final HoH competition. Anatomy issues aside, Cowboy tells both of them to be sure to let him win it. Spy Drew tells Cowboy he is going to hang around Diane a lot this week, because he doesn't want her and Nakomis to get together. Drew says he doesn't want Diane to "freak out." vs. Spy Nakomis, Diane and Drew sit outside. After Nakomis goes back inside, Diane says, "How long before Cowboy comes out here?" Drew says, "About 30 seconds." Sure enough, Cowboy ambles outside 30 seconds later. The Little Table of Doom During a long outdoor lockdown, BB replaces the kitchen table with the tiny table of impending sequester. When Drew is finally allowed to see his HoH room, Diane tells Cowboy and Nakomis, "let's pretend we don't care when he comes outside." The HoH spoils aren't that exciting 3rd time around, but do include a box of strategic-flavored Cheese Nips and sequesterlicious Gummy Bears. BB Parannoys Diane gets into bed with Drew (after telling her she can sleep there so long as she realizes it is a "privilege") and sings Psalm 666 entitled, "Lord, Everybody Hates Me." Diane say, "Six people are going to tear me up with questions." This is an interesting statement off the bat, because a. It assumes that Diane will be in the final two, and, b. It assumes that one person will really like her and not "tear her up." A wee bit optimistic on both counts, I think. Last Words Drew: (To Diane) "The people in Antarctica hate you. The people in the South Pole hate you."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 9, 2004

Happy Eviction Day here at the Tuna News. Unfortunately, it seems this week's eviction will result in 25% more Cowboy next week, and 25% less poorly dyed hair. Here's to wishing they had cameras in the sequester house -- I bet it's one hell of a lot more fun than the Hamster Habitrail. SO LONG, FAREWELL Karen comes out of her DR session and tells Cowboy that she had to say goodbye to herself. Cowboy says he had to say goodbye to himself too. This is followed by BB messing with their minds and calling Jase to the DR. AUF WIEDERSEN, GOODBYE Cowboy chats with Drew in the Morgue-atorium. He tells Drew, "All I'm saying is that if she (Diane) played us this week, then you put her up on the block next to Nakomis, and she's gone. PROJECT DNA -- DO NOT ANNOY BB is bored. BB might be as bored as the recappers are. BB tells Drew to move his microphone, and then center it, and then count to ten. Later, out of nowehere, BB says loudly, "Michael...STOP THAT!" Cowboy yells, "What did I do?? I scratched my ass. What? I can't scratch my ass?" JUST NOW? Diane tells Drew, "I love him (Cowboy) to death, but he's getting on my nerves." Drew tells Diane, "You've got 24 hours to deal with it. He's getting paranoid." PROMISES, PROMISES After considerable whining, the hamsters somehow convince BB to play them some music (while we get the fish performing a Sonata in Sea Minor- ba-DUMP-bump). Afterwards Nakomis tells them, "Since you have the album, if you played the whole thing, we promise to stage a fight later!" YOUR PUNCHLINE HERE Diane: "I started thinking today and it gave me a headache."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 8, 2004

Happy Hump Day here at the Tuna News. We're getting closer to the end of the line, which means things are getting pretty darn dull in the BB house. With no competitions and no nominations yesterday, what on earth did the hamsters do? Besides not much? Let's see (and no fair napping). SO THIS IS LOVE Drew and Diane have yet another spat of little consequence. Diane threw her cup in the sink and told Drew, "Wash this, bitch!" Drew got angry and Diane hugged him and kissed him, saying, "You're so sensitive." One. Two. Three....Hurl. SO THIS IS LOVE Drew gets his clean clothes back from the BB laundry service as part of his reward for winning HoH last Thursday. He lovingly hugs his towel and says, "Nice clean towel...." OOPS, SHE DID IT AGAIN With Marvin gone, the hamsters are left with Karen and her amazing casseroles of dubious origin. Tonight's feast is called "Oops." It has some turkeylike substance that Karen dubs the, "Angry Meat Substitute" and it also has some cheese and parsley flakes. The boys are called for dinner and Cowboy says, "Well, it looks good." Karen tells him, "It will be the best Oops you ever had." Cowboy declares it is good, and Drew goes for seconds. Meanwhile, Karen says, "Well, this will be the last time you'll have Oops in this house." Diane zings, "It looks like we have enough for the rest of the week!" FIRST COMES OOPS, THEN COMES... Hide and Seek. Lordy. Cowboy sits on the couch and counts to six. Nobody moves. Finally Drew joins in the game and he and Cowboy play for awhile. Cowboy practices counting to 50. Drew plays full contact extreme Hide-and-Seek and gets hurt. By a cupboard. Diane joins in and counts to 150 while the boys hide. Karen tells Diane exactly where they are. Drew calls Diane a cheater. Yes, it is all just as boring as it sounds. REVEREND COWBOY Cowboy provides religious instruction for the heathens. He tells them the Methodist Church is good, and it's kind of like an offspring of the Catholic Church. (Greentuna -- But do they have PIE?) However, Father Cowboy was unaware that Catholic Priests are not allowed to marry. OOPS, I LOST MY OOPS Cowboy says he is sexier than Patrick Swayze and could have done his role in Dirty Dancing. Well, Dirty Dancing might have needed more CowBELL, but definitely not more CowBOY.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 7, 2004

Welcome to a Tuesday-Post Labor Day-Back to School edition of the TunaNews. I'm reporting from my remote location in Scottish TunaLand, where all the singers make a pilgramage each September. I'm typing on Beelzebub's new and improved Mac-type product with a screen that's bigger than my television at home. Well, not quite, but close. What happened since Bessie took yet another nose dive, Jerry's kids got over 59 million and TinyTuna started fifth grade? Let's see. CURRENT SCORECARD Nakomis is still HoH. Drew and Cowboy were the original nominees. Diane won the Veto, and used the veto on Drew, leaving Cowboy and Karen as this week's nominees. THE PLAN Diane has decided her best strategy is to be a gutless wonder and lie her pants off for the remainder of the week. Since Diane and Drew are the only two hamsters voting this week, they plan to tell Karen that they are voting off Cowboy, when in fact, they are voting off Karen. THE POWER OF THE PINKY Forget the DNA angle for BB5. This season is all about the pinky. Diane is currently livid (is she ever any other way?) saying that Karen claimed Diane made a pinky swear. Diane says she never made a pinky swear. Never! X-nay on the Inky-Pay. HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL Nakomis hopes the vote this week will be a tie, so she can "send Cowboy packing." Karen hopes she wins HoH next week so she can put Drew and Diane up together. HOPE SPRINGS OBVIOUS Diane explains to Drew that she told Nakomis the vote would be unanimous, and if not, it would be a tie. With only two people voting, were there any other options? I think not. Diane explains this to Cowboy, adding that she didn't tell Nakomis for whom the unanimous vote tolls, just that it would be unanimous. Or, a tie. LITTLE DITTY ABOUT DREW AND DIANE Verse 1 Diane: I'm crazy about you. I'm sorry but I think you should know. Drew I'm crazier about you. Diane: I don't think so. I just hopt it stays that way outside the house. Verse 2 Diane: I can't stand you. Drew: I hate you too. Diane: I hate you so much. (kissing) MEDICAL MOMENT Recapper's Warning: This is, most likely, more information than you ever wanted to know. Cowboy tells Drew and Diane that he really likes the Bowflex, saying that it doesn't tear up his body so much, and with his hernia, it's better. Drew asks, "You have a hernia?" Cowboy says, "Yeah! Right now! I've had surgery already." Drew asks Cowboy if he lifted something heavy. Cowboy says, "No, I got this one doing security. I'm a hard worker." Diane asks him if it hurts. Cowboy says, "Not much. It doesn't ruin your life. I just push it to the limits sometimes. Drew wonders about the surgery, asking, "What do they do? Do they take something out?" Cowboy says, "What it is, is large intestines. It helped me out, sex-wise and everything. YOU HAVE A POINT Karen is upset about being lied-to and back-doored. She says, "I look so dumb on TV. I'm such an idiot...a fool." Nakomis asks, "How do you think I feel?" THE WORLD ACCORDING TO DIANE Diane: "Nakomis and Karen think I'm a bitch. Maybe they'll see my good side too." Diane: "I've never said anything bad about anybody. Except a couple of people." Diane: "I've said bad things about people, but never about Drew." Diane: "I have no way around it. I have to lie and tell Karen and Nakomis that I'm voting out Cowboy." Diane: (To Karen) "Oh c'mon. You don't need to pack yet. Trust me!" Diane: "I don't want to be attacked all week. I don't think Nakomis is the type to say something nasty after Karen goes. I don't even want to see her." PARTING SHOTS Diane explains that even after working three jobs she cannot support herself and go back to school. Karen says, "Well, you could do modeling." Nakomis adds, "Maybe, if her face clears up."

NEWS IN PROCESS

A brief note to say the news will be here in just a bit. Talk amongst yourselves.

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 3, 2004

It's the day after AND the day before eviction day. If we could only put BB on Fast-Forward everytime we're stuck with cards or chess or anything involving Diane, this show would be so much more interesting. Regardless, here we are and here is what we know (some of this timeline is according to HGs, so take the information with a large grain of hair-dye) Friday, 6pm Hamster Time -- Drew Wins HoH Time between HoH and Nominations -- 3 Hours Friday, 9pm Hamster Time -- Drew Nominates Marvin and Diane Next Veto Competition -- Friday Morning Next Veto Ceremony -- Friday Noonish Next Eviction -- To be Aired Saturday Night GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN Marvin starts ripping on the twins, saying, "Well, as long as they aren't in here, I don't care. She kill me how she try to act all sanctimonious and high and mighty, when she came in here on a lie." Karen says the only other unanimous vote was for The Don in week one. "You can say what you want, but that's a statement." Marvin tells Karen, "She's gone now, so you can talk about her. She's not gonna beat you up now." TO THE VICTOR GO THE SPOILS Drew's HoH goodies include more Miami of Ohio stuff, letters from home, a fresh supply of Cheez-Nips (strategic flavor), BBQ Chips and Lip Moisturizer. In his letter, his brother Ben tells him, Keep your head on straight and your clothes on. PRE-NOMINATIONS, COWBOY-STYLE Cowboy goes into the HoH room and asks Drew, "Should I bother to unpack?" Drew asks him to stay in HoH and help him figure out who to nominate. Cowboy quickly says, "I really don't want to be a pawn this week." Drew says, "No way, dude" and then tells Cowboy he will never put him up. Drew suggests nominating Karen and Nakomis, feeling that Marvin could be eliminated later. Cowboy, still stinging from his crushing defeat from HoH several weeks ago is desperate for Marvin to be eliminated. He tells Drew, "I want him gone, and he wants me gone, and will get me out before one of them girls." SPEAKING OF MARVIN Marvin tells Diane, "Girl, you've got an ass like I've never seen!" Diane asks, "Like J-Lo?" Marvin says, "No. You're like one-fourth of J-Lo's huge ass." GreenTuna starts singing "Taco Flavored Kisses" and gets FISH. SPEAKING OF BOOTYLISCIOUS Drew is still stinging over Adria's departure and MFMarvin. He tells Cowboy, "I can't stand the way he reacted to her! She was leaving with dignity and he spoiled it." Wow. Were Drew and I in alternate universes, or what? SPEAKING OF BIBLE-LISCIOUS Karen admits that she has said enough bad words for a lifetime. She says, "Maybe we should have a group Bible study tonight!" Yes, that will drive away recappers by the cubit-load. SPEAKING OF TACO-FLAVORED KISSES As Drew interviews the parade of potential losers, he invites Diane to the Cheez-Nip Lair. Diane says, "My turn to kiss ass." Drew replies, "Kiss it! Kiss it!" Diane goes on to do her parannoy dance. She tells Drew, "Karen and Nakomis parannoy the hell out of me! I trust Cowboy more than I trust them." She also tells Drew that Karen told her that Adria planned to "attack everyone when she left." BAD STRATEGY - TAKE ONE Diane leaves her less-than-productive ass-kissing session with Drew and tells the girls, "I don't care about the money. I don't care if I win or not. I only want Drew outside the house!" BAD STRATEGY - TAKE TWO Diane cries to Nakomis and Karen, saying, "I want you guys to know, I'm not a bitch like this outside the house." AND THE WINNERS ARE Drew nominates Marvin and Diane, saying first that Marvin is a salesman and is a real threat in the house. Then he says, "Diane, I put you up because I thought you were someone I could trust. And sometimes you have people you think YOU can trust but can't...and it hit close to home. I hope you understand. " Diane says, 'Uh-huh." GreenTuna just says, "Huh?" POST-NOMINATION LETDOWN Diane: "I'm so tired of Drew blaming everything that goes on in this house on me." Drew: (Looking heavenward) "I hope I made the right decision." Jesus: "You're on your own, bro. I got a team that would be in first place right now if they would have only cut their hair. Now I have to come up with some cash. First loaves and fishes, now this. Why aren't people ever prepared?" COWBOY SONGS Verse 1 Marvin approaches Cowboy after nominations and tells him, "I need your help, Homey. I kept you in (the game) several times. I need your help." Cowboy tells Marvin not to give up. Chorus And then Cowboy beats a path for Drew and repeats the entire conversation. Verse 2 Diane, upset after her nomination, rants outside about Drew. She tells everybody NOT to use the Veto because she knows she's safe, and she wants to get Drew out next week. Chorus And then Cowboy beats a path for Drew and repeats the entire conversation. Bridge Cowboy tells Drew he is so much more of a man, and Drew is learning how to be one. Verse 3 Cowboy tells Drew what he did (with the nominations) was smart, because, "that's just what I would have done." Cowboy also says, if he doesn't win the next HoH, they are gone. Cowboy says if he is meant to win, he will win, but admits that if he does, he will cry non-stop. Chorus And then Cowboy rehashes the entire conversation. Coda Cowboy: "And this is just between you and me." Drew: "Of course, dude." WINK-WINK, NUDGE-NUDGE, SAY NO MORE Post-nominations, Drew and Diane talk in the HoH room. Diane asks Drew if he trusts her. Drew doesn't really respond. Diane pouts, "I feel like I'm talking to a different person." Drew asks Diane if she has any acting skills. Diane, just not getting it, says, "Do you think I would be on BB if I was? No, I'm not an actor." Then she says, "If you want me to act, I need to know what kind of show is going on. Is that what you want me to do?" Lucky for her Drew doesn't say, "It's the Diane is an IDIOT show!" Diane tells Drew, "Just say it!" Drew says, "I don't want to say it!" Then (because she STILL doesn't get it) he finally says, "Hopefully, by doing this, we won't seem so close. We need to stop sleeping together. We need to stop...whatever. Do you get what I'm saying?" Diane says, "I understand. I think." LAST ACTION HERO Marvin starts packing. Again. Very expertly. FINAL WORDS Marvin: (After listening to Karen's giggles) "I'm not going to miss that damn laugh."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 2, 2004

It's Thursday, and that means it's finally eviction day in the BB house. All of Adria's bags are packed, and she's ready to go. So, git out the house, Klaus. Off to sequester, Lester. It's time to set Adria free... HEY, BIG SPENDER Diane, Nakomis, Drew and MFMarvin talk about who pays for what on dates. Nakomis and Diane say they often pay or at least split the costs. Nakomis asks, "Any of you guys offended when a chick pays for a date?" Drew says no. Marvin adds, "Hell no! Offend me!!" MOMENT OF COMMON SENSE Adria tells Karen the other HGs don't think about their behavior. She says, "It doesn't matter how they treat you the whole time, it's the way they make you feel when you leave the house." COWBOY, YOU'VE BEEN PHILIMINATED Now Cowboy wants to go on The Amazing Race. He says he hopes that the daily stipend for Amazing Race is more than $1000 a day. Cowboy explains the premise of the show to Adria, saying, "They give you three days to get somewhere. Or two. Or one." MONA LISA RUN AWAY Mona Lisa isn't smiling anymore. Cowboy espouses his love for Julia Roberts, saying, "I would love to do a film with her, because she's more my age." THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT? It was a big night for Cowboy the Acteur. He tells Adria that she and Natalie have potential in the entertainment industry, because of they way they pulled off the twist. Cowboy says lots of people love to have twins in movies, especially identical twins. (They do? I can't think of any outside of the Olsen twins) BEST CAST EVER Cowboy tells Adria he thinks the BB5 cast has more chance than any other of breaking into Hollywood. He says, "I think I have a chance. I'm not trying to brag. I can do so much. I'd rather do romance, but I can be Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey kind of style." CASTING COUCH Cowboy tells Adria that he can "find a spot" for the twins in his sitcom. He says CBS wouldn't pick up his current idea, but HBO might. He tells Adria, "On the big screen, you and I are more friends. I think we could do a comedy together, but I don't feel a romance between you and I on the screen. " He says Drew would play his best friend. Jase would be the weird, crazy guy. Cowboy says, "He would play that good because he's cocky. He's a cocky guy. I could put that in somewhere. Maybe a cocky server. Or a cocky coffee shop attendant." Will will be the gay guy, because, as Cowboy says, "You always have to have a gay guy!" I HATE SPUNK Cowboy says Diane would play the "spunky florist." Cowboy says, "I see spunk in her, because she has it." He adds, "It would be a little scene, but it could be HUGE." SAVED BY THE ON/OFF SWITCH Adria asks Cowboy what the premise of his show might be. He doesn't understand the question, so Adria explains the premise of friends is a group of friends, two apartments, hanging out at the coffee shop. Cowboy says YEAH! He wants it to be like that. Then he says maybe everyone would go to the same college. Cowboy says, "more of a Saved by the Bell kind of show." It sounds more like a This Old Sitcom kind of show. DON'T FORGET THE SINGING CAREER Cowboy tells Adria he is going to send some of his Country-Western songs to Breck (Natalie's husband). Adria gently says, "I think you should focus on one thing at a time." Cowboy ignores her, saying, "I have a lot of dreams. I think I could throw a country song together and still do my acting. I say I can do a country song because my life is a country song. I have a tear in my beer and that kind of situation." NEXT, BB -- THE MOVIE Adria tells Cowboy that maybe they would make a Big Brother MOVIE! (After Anaconda 2 and Superbabies 2, I don't put anything past anybody) Cowboy says, "I would do it!! If I could play a different character." Adria asks, "Who would you play?" He answers, "Probably Cowboy." THE WORLD ACCORDING TO BB Cowboy: "You know really scares me is people wanting my sperm and DNA." Marvin: "I won't give Adria a sympathy vote, but I'll give her a sympathy f***" Diane: "You think I have a short fuse, because you have the longest fuse in the world."

TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 1, 2004

It's a slightly later edition of the Tuna News because hey, everybody has to work once in awhile. Flip the calendar because we're in the home stretch. It's the final month of strategerie and parannoying hamsters. What happened overnight in the BB house? Let's see. DEAR DIARY The hamsters are told they will each be allowed to write a thank-you letter to the fans of House Calls. Cowboy has no idea what House Calls is, so Marvin tells him he thinks it is a fan site that Marcellas hosts. BB says they have a 100-character limit. Marvin thinks it should be closer to 500. Confusion does the cha-cha as the hamsters don't know if their limit is 100 characters in total (15 each) or 100 characters each. Due to a lack of character and numbers that exceed fingers and toes, the HGs decide to combine their characters and write one big letter. DRAFT ONE Nakomis suggests: "Living in this house is making us crazy. Writing this letter is the only thing making us sane. Thanks for giving us this chance. Send beer." DRAFT TWO Suggestions ooze from the hamsters, including "Dear fans, We don't know you, but you know us." "Hello people who dedicate their lives to watching this show." "Michael and Marvin would first like to thank you for giving them America's Choice. Thank you for all the interest you have shown us via the Internet." "All 12 of you all. We appreciate you all." "There are some things in life that you may take for granted that we would pay to have right now." Fingers and toes tell the hamsters they have exceeded their 100 character limit after the first sentence. DRAFT THREE Dear Fans, AKA Stalkers, Michael and Marvin would like to thank you all for America's Choice. Living in this house has made us clinically insane. Here are some things we miss in the house: (long list, read fast) being able to walk around naked, stairs, strippers for Marvin. Thanks for watching. See you on the outside. BB says SHORTER. DRAFT FOUR Dear Stalkers: We love you. Thanks for the support. Would rather be there than here. Love, The Surviving 7 DRAFT FIVE Dear Stalkers, We love you. Thanks for your support. Better you there than here. See you on the outside. Love, The Surviving 7 HOOP DREAMS The hamsters get ANOTHER new game! It's a ball-through-the hole type game. Slightly smaller than a basketball, the ball must bounce in the special zone only once, and then must go through a hole in a slanted board. You might think this sounds like fun, but the introduction of yet another game parannoys the HGs and sends them into a tizzy. LOONY BIN -- NO WAITING Adria goes off the deep end and practices the ball game forever, all the while, muttering to herself. She says, "Production didn't check to see which twin left the house last week. I'm really Natalie." Then she says, "BB, call me into the DR so I have someone to talk to. These people are already referring to me as gone." PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 1 Karen and Nakomis think that things are disappearing from around the house. They also think certain items have been changed. Karen looks at something in the Living Room and says, "Didn't this used to be GREEN?" They agree not to tell Diane their suspicions, because they don't trust her. PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 2 The hamsters come up with a conspiracy theory surrounding the ball game. They think they are due for a twist, and perhaps there will be a double elimination week. With the addition of Natalie, they wonder when the game will end. Marvin says he was told it will definitely end September 25th. PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 3 Diane, Karen and Nakomis discuss Adria and think that she and Natalie both work for CBS. Karen says, "CBS spent a lot of money and made a lot of effort into getting the twins here." Karen thinks with the addition of the new game, maybe this week will be a "Super Veto." Nakomis says if that happens, she will go apeshit. THAT WHICH SHALL NOT BE RECAPPED I've had it up to here (hand at eyeball level) with Diane and Drew's argument of the day. Suffice it to say, yesterday, they sniped at each other. All day. Over everything and nothing. Stupid stuff. Parannoying stuff. At the end of the day they made up. Sort of. But the staff at the Tuna News simply doesn't give a rats behind anymore. So, to sum up today's fight, Diane doesn't trust Drew. Drew is tired of Diane. Yada. Yada. Yada. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS Cowboy interrogates Drew about shaving. He asks Drew if a lot of models shave their body hair. Drew says yes. Cowboy says, "See, I couldn't be a model, because I wouldn't want to shave." THEY SAID IT Marvin: "There is nothing I like to do better after a good ole country meal than go outside and throw a ball through a hole." Karen: "Adria thinks we're all going to hell." Adria: "Nobody even acknowledges me all week long. It's immature. Honestly, I haven't done anything to anybody in this house. It's not like I'm Jase, like the Satan of the house." Drew: "I've never bullcrapped you." Adria: "What the hell. I'm going to start harassing people before I leave." Diane: "Goodnight, Jerkface." Drew: "Bitch."