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Friday, July 13, 2007

TUNA NEWS -- July 13, 2007

Friday the 13th unlucky? Not when there is a brand-spanking new copy of The Tuna News for you to peruse while you enjoy your morning bowl of slop. Last night Satan's army rallied and Jen was installed as the new mouthpiece of the damned HoH. What happened in the house overnight? Time to check the headlines.

Written in the Stars
Joe, Dani and Jessica (combined IQ ~72 degrees with 68% humidity) notice a plane circling overhead. They tell the plane "Drop some food!" and "Take Jen Away!"

Trading Spaces, or, Would You Rather Have Hay on the Wall?
Jen (are you surprised?) throws a hissy (yet?) about her HoH room. First of all, there are the pictures. THE PICTURES! THE CAPS-LOCK BOLD LEANED OVER PICTURES!!!!! She hates The Pictures. She is upset about The Pictures. She wishes The Pictures could be taken down. The problem with The Pictures? They are two years old. Which, incidentally, exceeds Jens age of maturity by about 18 months.

Best Comeback. Part 1
Dani: Jen was complaining her pictures were of family, not friends.
Dick: Jen was upset the pictures weren't of herself.

I Want an Oompah Loompah, and I Want it Now!
Jen (again) complaining (again) about ... PILLOWS! Big Brother did not give her Silk Pillows! The horrors! Next up? No wire hangers.

La-La-La-La-La-LA I Can't Hear You!!
Dustin, Jameka and Amber talk about the possibilities for the upcoming nominations. Amber thinks she is going up again. Jameka thinks it will be two guys. Dustin thinks it might be Dustin. Amber says if it is (Dustin) she'll fight hard for him. She adds, "I told you I prayed to God today for 30 minutes!!"
(ETA: VOLCANO!!)
(ETAAgain: Now, does this mean she prayed for 30 minutes, or she told him for 30 minutes. Kind of makes a difference to the Almighty)


While We're Down On Our Knees...
Jameka is getting hot Hot HOT about Zack, and not in a good way. She tells Dani, "Zack's got one more time to come out his mouth wrong to me...and that's all I got to say about it...he got one more time...so help me God I will...I'm gonna pray about it. Not gonna let my mouth get me in trouble."

She Blinded Me With Science!
To put it delicately, Jameka is suffering through some intestinal difficulties. First she announces she is skipping ice cream tonight to see if she gets smelly gas. She'd like to rule it out as the cause. Later she announces, "One thing is official. I don't have gas tonight and I'm about to have pizza. We'll see what happens!

Best Comeback. Part 2
Joe: It's nice to have new stuff to talk about.

Seeya, Wouldn't Wanna Beeya
Jessica: I didn't hug Carol. I didn't want to.
Dustin: It's nice not to have that Negative Nancy Raincloud walking room to room.

Strategy with a Dick
Dick and Nick are sure Dick will be put on the block. Nick also worries that he is a target because of last week's Kissgate incident. Of course, Dick isn't winning any friends by not going to Jen's HoH room (but you know, there was no silk pillow and then there were The PICTURES). Dick says he is going to try to make a deal with Jen, but that it will be a lie. Later on, Dick and Dustin talk about nominations. Dustin warns Dick not to make Jen mad because she does nominations based on the way someone treats her. Dick says Jen wants to play for attention. He says she was following him around until he told her she's an inconsiderate bitch and he wasn't going to change his mind and kiss her ass. Oh yeah, that will keep you off the block for sure.

One is the Loneliest Number
12:32am Jen announces, "We can start making deals now in the HoH room!"
12:43am Jen is back in the backyard because nobody came up to HoH to "take a meeting."

Someone's in the Kitchen With...Where's Dinah?
Jameka: Who burnt the popcorn?
Dani: It must have been a brunette
Jessica: They're soooo dull!
Dani: Jameka, did they tell you to come in and clean the sink window?
Jameka: Obviously. Yeah, just call me Florence from the Jefferson.

They Said It, But I'm Not Explaining It
Nick: George Clooney is handsome.
Jessica: Asians don't wear white.
Dustin: No one knows how Jen got cast!
Eric: All I can say is the Execs are smiling. This is going to be a great week of TV.

Final Thoughts from Biggus Dickus
Going: The best thing for me would be if she drowned in that bathtub before nominations.
Going: After the nominations I am going to say, "Jen, I expected you to put me up. You are a bitch! The rest of you can eat me."
Gone: (to the cameras) And that's the end of The Dick at Night Show. Don't worry, we'll be right back!

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