TUNA NEWS -- July 16, 2007

The staff here at The Tuna News pores over hundreds of hours of transcripts to bring you, the loyal readers, the raciest, juiciest, most awesome-riffic news available. People, this is the material I've been given to work with today: Zach: I have never seen a bible with maps. Mike: I like steak better, probably because I grew up in Wisconsin. Amber: I don't wear makeup every day. Nick: Are you gonna puke tonight? Eric: I can spin one arm in one direction and the other in the opposite direction. Mike: (blank stare) That being said, there were a few nuggets of fun not-quite smothered in the mire of ennui (Greentuna: Hey, Good Band Name. Or Blog Title). It's short and sweet, but this is what we got: When Math and Negotiations Collide Joe and Jen discuss the upcoming POV meeting. Joe is pushing HARD for Jen to nominated Zach, but Jen isn't drinking the Zach Kool-Aid and the well-thought out debate continues: Jen: Why would I put Zach up when everybody is going to put him up next week? Joe: That is 150% not true. Jen: 100% it's true. Joe: 150% that's not true. Jen: Why would I put up Zach when he's not going to put me up next week? Joe: That is not true. The Site is Called Word-A-Day. Subscribe Mike: It's on the outskirts... Amber: What does that mean? I hear that word all the time! Introducing: Amber Amber. Single mother from Las Vegas. Cries a lot. Reads the bible. God is her co-pilot. Doesn't know what "outskirts" means. What else do we know about Amber? Fun On Dates Amber and Mike have a pre-arranged "date night" in the backyard of the Big Brother House. Amber asks the usual get-to-know-you first date questions like "Do you like fruit?" "Do you like vegetables?" "Do you like chicken or steak?" (Steak. Mike is from Wisconsin. I know, I know. Make up your own answer here). No, REALLY FUN on Dates Moving to the next level, Amber decides to share some things about herself and leads off with: I was addicted to Meth for over a year and follows up with a rousing tale of The enema that didn't work to solve my 3-meal-a-Day fast-food habit and the doctor said don't worry, I only had a slight inflammation of the colon. Best Comeback Mike: (blank stare) Enjoys Post-Date Delusions Amber: OHMYGOD Dustin. Mike is TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH ME! Dustin: ................... Amber: I can just tell by the way he stares at me! Again that "Best Comeback" Was Mike: (blank stare) Potent Quotables for $200 Amber: Even if I win, I will still shop at Target and Walmart. Potent Quotables for $400 Dani: I'd like to punch Jen in the face. Potent Quotables for $600 Amber: Jen, your body is perfect. There is nothing hanging out or anything. Potent Quotables for $800 Amber: I got on speed because my dog had surgery. Potent Quotables for $1000 Joe: I had to bleach my underwear to get the gonorrhea stains out. Last Call. Thank God. Mike: (monotone) Wow.....those are amazing stories. Amber: (excitedly) Aren't they??!!!!!