TUNA NEWS -- JULY 30 -- LONG VERSION

Honestly. You want news? You need news? You think there is something that wasn't covered back there in the TWENTY pages of previous posts? Well, today I shall bring you the BB5 HoH Endurance Competition TimeLine. The times shown in West Coast-BB Time HoH Competition 4:40pm (Pre-Live SHow) Karen is wearing a dress and tennis shoes. Says she feels retarded. Marvin agrees. 4:44pm (Pre-Live Show) Marvin does his best Chenbot impersonation (it feels funny just typing that), saying, "Well, Holly, I see you're on the block again, with Bootylicious for the first time!" 6:00pm -- Endurance Competition Begins Hamsters must keep a button pushed on a standee of themselves. The button is located on the mouth so it looks like they are "keeping their secret" (LAME). While the button is pressed, the platform they stand on stays lit. If the button is released, the platform light goes out, and they are eliminated. Ready set go. 6:56pm Marvin: "We can't let Will be HOH he'll paint the house pink." Adria: "What about Nakomis?" Marvin: "She'll paint it purple and green." 7:14pm Marvin: (To Karen) "It's been 5 minutes and we haven't heard about Larry! How you doing down there?" Jase: "Who else here has to pee?" Cowboy: "I want to pee before it does get that bad." Marvin: "[You'll] be like those 5 people last year, who held it in and they bursted and died. Your kidneys will fail on you." Adria: "Is anybody ready to quit?" Jase: "There is no way I'm losing this." Marvin: "Your keep your ass up there. This ain't no vomiting contest." 7:26pm Marvin: "How those legs holding up there cowboy?" Cowboy: "I'm doing fine" Marvin: "How about you, Bootylicious?" Adria: "I'm doing fine. How about you big talk? You're talking a lot." Marvin: "Oh, they trying to entice me. they put the big booty girl right in front of me." 7:41pm -- Nakomis Out! She says her wrist gave out. Chooses envelope number 6 for house food. It is ""Little Italy" 7:58pm Jase rides the bitter bus, saying "I'd like to thank everyone for unanimously voting out my girlfriend." 8:02pm Scott says the competition is stupid. 8:05pm Drew dresses up like Holly. 8:14pm Scott: "There are alot of bugs out here. How come they're all around me?" Karen: "Maybe because you stink. Because you haven't taken a shower in three days." 8:56pm First bribe. Real pizza and six beers. 9:02pm -- Karen Out! She says she got too cold in her dress. So what does she do? She goes inside to put on her bathing suit. Karen's food envelope is Japanese Cuisine. 9:42pm Diane offers to have everybody quit and give HoH to Cowboy. Everyone agrees, except Marvin. Jase offers to have everybody quit and let Marvin and Cowboy fight it out. Diane says no. 9:53pm -- New rule No hand switching on the button. 10:07 -- Cowboy Out! Cowboy slipped off the podium. He is furious that Marvin wouldn't agree to give him HoH. His food is "Breakfast, Anyone?" He goes inside the house and starts crying. Drew tells him it's OK, and Nakomis tells him that everyone was proud of him. Cowboy says he wanted pictures "real bad". 10:18pm Marvin is getting the cramps. 10:23pm Diane accuses Scott of using his other arm. 10:28pm -- Scott Is Out! BB checks the tape, and Scott is out. His food envelope is for British food. He doesn't know what most of it is. 10:51pm Scott says, "I was looking at the grass, and it started to move!" 10:53pm Marvin is in some serious pain with cramping. 10:57pm -- Marvin is Out! He yelled and jumped off. His food envelope is "Mom's Kitchen" 11:09pm Jase tells Diane and Adria that he's fine. He says, "I'm just waiting for you to finish." 11:13pm -- Adria is Out! Her finger locked up. 11:16pm Jase: "If you think I'm losing to Diane, you're out of your mind!" Will: "Endurance is my middle name!" 11:23pm -- Will is Out! Will-Endurance-is-my-middle-name steps off voluntarily. 11:25pm Jase wants to win and "make a statement" with his HoH nominations. Jase had assured Will he was safe this week. 11:26pm Scott: "Hey everybody! It's the Holly Hater vs. the Holly Lover!" 11:29pm Jase: "I think you'd be very surprised by who I would put up." Diane: "That's why I'm afraid to let go. I think you would like who I would put up. I know exactly who. They could bring that box right here and I can put those keys right in." Jase: "Who do you want?" Diane: "Get down and I'll let you know." 11:31pm Jase: " I know now what Jesus went through." 12:06am The ice cream fairy comes to the BB house. Will says, "I've never screamed like such a bitch in my whole life! And lo, much face-stuffing did ensue. 12:16am Jase: "Let me put it like this, I was in the military and I am a volunteer firefighter, there is no way I am going to lose to Diane. I just can't allow that." 12:20am Karen offhandedly remarks (as she stuffs her face) that she is lactose intolerant. She says she is going to have gas sending her through the roof and to watch out for singed eyebrows in the morning. Jase says, ""I can't lose because I can't face the firemen after losing to a woman." 12:23am Jase: "There is no way I'm going down. You (Diane) should go get her some ice cream and a hot tub. I will not lose to you. Diane: "I can stand here all dang night." 12:36am Scott: "Is it really worth it, guys?" Diane: "I think you should let a girl have it. Let a girl have the HOH room!" Jase: "This is not the year for the women. The women always win!" 1:25am Marvin: "I'm gettin' damn bored!" 1:27am -- New Rule Both feet must remain firmly planted on the platform. You cannot lift your feet. Their pants get rolled up to the knees so BB can watch the feet. 2:14am Diane tells Jase, "I do believe we are going to see the California sunrise together." 2:22am Jase tells Diane he's not getting beat by a chick after he went through Survival School. 2:31am Jase goes off on Cowboy and Scott for not saving him any pizza when he's out here struggling. Marvin says there's a whole MF-roast beef in the house, and some ice cream. 2:49am Jase's foot keeps moving toward the end. He has been warned by BB. 2:54am Jase starts making farmyard animal sounds. Someone says, "If he starts laying eggs, I'm out of here." 2:59am Camera zooms in on Jase's heels and toes that are both over the edge. 3:23am -- Jase is Out! DIANE WINS!! Jase's heel is over the edge again. BB calls it. Jase is angry and feels that he has been called on a technicality.

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 30 -- SHORT VERSION

Readers Digest Tuna News Version 6:00 pm -- Competition begins. 7:41 pm -- Nakomis Out ("Little Italy Food") 9:02 pm -- Karen Out ("Japanese Food") 10:07 pm -- Cowboy Out ("Breakfast Food") 10:28 pm -- Scott Out ("British Food") 10:57 pm -- Marvin Out ("Mom's Kitchen") 11:13 pm -- Adria Out 11:23 pm -- Will Out 3:23 am -- Jase Out. Diane Wins

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 29, 2004

Welcome to the Thursday edition of the Tuna News. With votes already cast, did life calm down in the Big Brother House? Yeah, right. Let's see what happened. Joker's Updates It's All About The Pants Diane tells Jase that he has "class" since he hasn't pulled down his pants. I'm not sure that qualifies as "class" as much as an surprising lintball of self-control that has gotten caught on his mesh of morality. The word "pants" prompts Jase to ask, "Where's Scott?" Diane tells him, "In the hot tub." Jase replies, "Pulling down his pants..." Patrick Swayze -- Cleanup On Aisle One Beginning with the unlikely sentence "Cowboy gives everyone dirty dancing lessons" we find our Hamsters on Soul Train, BB-style. Adria dances in the kitchen, Marvin dances in the kitchen, Drew dances in the kitchen. All of them are reported to be good. Time for Cowboy and the Dirty Dancing. He lays on the floor and starts "humping the air", causing all the hamsters to laugh hysterically. Zombies -- Cleanup on Aisle Two Here comes Scott. He tells Cowboy, "I'm gonna be blunt with you. You haven't necessarily been the brains of the group. I won't lie to you...You're not stupid, but you haven't exactly been the brains. " Wizard of Oz -- Cleanup on Aisle Three Scott continues by telling Cowboy that even though Jase was HoH the first week, he hasn't done anything for them, meaning Scott was basically HoH the first week. Scott says this week, he is the brains behind everything again. He says, "I feel like I've been the brains, behind the curtain." Donald Trump -- Cleanup on Aisle Four Scott continues his lecture to Cowboy by saying, "Drew is learning. he's more of an apprentice to us." Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker -- Cleanup on Aisle Five Scott concludes his little put-down pep talk with Cowboy by saying, "I'm out here trying to get you fired up. I've already told Drew what he can do better." Free Willy Don't even go there. Adria says, "I love Will!!" Will replies, "Doesn't everybody? I'm like the house pet!" Remedial Math Proving that the concept of percentages is still too difficult for all reality show participants, Cowboy tells Scott he is giving 110%. To push the point, Cowboy says, "If I'm not giving that 110%, let me know and I'll up it." Scott replies, "Tomorrow I want to see 120%." Penalty. Clipping. 10 Yards. Still First Down It's not about the pants. It's about the clips. Jase and Holly fight (again!) about the clips. Oh, the unspeakable horror of The Clips! The Clips!.... Jase: "What about me and the clip of (Holly saying) 'I would cuddle with scott the same as you'?" Jase: "Lets go back to clips. 'I'll cuddle with you Scott, same as Jase. We're just friends.' There's your clip. Any better?" Jase: "There aren't any clips of me and Diane ("Aha!" Says GreenTuna) but plenty of you hanging on Scott." Jase: "I came out here to be nice to you but you aren't. Speaking of clips I'm going to look like an idiot because of your clips." They Said It Marvin: "Cowboy is putting the freak on." Karen: "It must be the bullriding skills." Diane: "Me and Nakomis were nice enough to give up one of our beers so Marvin and Scott would stop bitching. Unlike your side we aren't stingy bastards." Drew: "I'm going to kiss these walls when I leave tomorrow. I love this room." Jase: "She thinks im the kind of guy who does shit for her like eat her turd..." Holly: "No, you just barf for me." Drew: "If he (Jase) wanted any respect from this house or America (too late there, Pal) he wouldn't give her a sympathy vote." Marvin: I told him that. Drew: "When he goes to the club girls will be like, 'Will you throw up for me?'" TV ClubHouse You're Sweet! NO!! YOU'RE SWEET! In an argument that rivals and most likely surpasses the "I'm poor --- No, I'm Poor!" argument, Jase and Holly yell at each other about THE CLIPS saying there are clips of them saying nice things about each other. Acronyms 101 BUP -- Blow Up Potential. Not as in a balloon. As in a person. For example: Drew: Sometimes you forget it's a game. Diane: If you let little things get to you. Drew: NOT AT ALL...Ms. "Blow up in the kitchen-Girl" Close, But No Cigar Drew complains that it is so dark in the HoH room, he can't see Diane. He says, "If we ever had any light up in here, maybe I could kiss you on the middle of your lips instead of always missing the right spot." Diane tells him to try again. Drew does, asking "What is this?" Diane says, "You're close. It's my chin." Comforter of Silence Drew and Diane smooch in HoH. Drew tells her, "We're under the covers. No one can hear us." Recappers everywhere snicker. Surprise, Surprise Diane tells Drew, "They asked me if I wanted to take some time before my words about Holly. I said 'No, I do not'. I kind of regret what I said in the DR about Holly leaving. It was kind of mean." Clarification Diane: "Are you retarded"? Drew: "No, I'm not retarded." He Ain't Heavy... Cowboy tells Scott, "If I win HoH, I will cry. I want it so bad." He continues by saying, "If two Horsemen go up, I will just decide on who DESERVES it the most." Scott tells Cowboy, "You KNOW I deserve it the most. Remember who is your brother." Skippy Knows All Scott tells Cowboy, "The cameras are weird. They LOVE me. Cowboy starts laughing and tells Scott, "That camera shook it's head NO..."

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 28, 2004

This Happy Hump Day Special Edition of The Tuna News is Brought to you by Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond. No fish cam here, people, so feel free to sing along: Joker's Updates You don't bring me flowers Scott says, "I always try to help people out and I end up looking like the bad guy." You don't sing me love songs Will listens to the fight over Holly at the door, and then goes to the bathroom and tells Diane and Adria a fight is going on. Diane says, "Works for me." You hardly talk to me anymore CowBoy yells at Jase, tellings him he spends no time with the four horsemen. "You don't even talk to us anymore!" He wails. When you come through the door at the end of the day Drew yells at Jase, "You're with us 5 minutes out of the day and you're with her 24/7!" (GreenTuna adjusts her watch to add five more minutes to the end of her day) I remember when you couldn't wait to love me Jase: (To Holly) : "You are the sweetest girl ever, EVER, EV-ER!" Used to hate to leave me Holly says she just hopes this isn't her next-to-last night with Jase. Jase says if she is voted out, he wants to leave next week. Now after lovin' me late at night Jase asks Scott, "So Scott you're just mad cause I'm cuddling and have a girl to cuddle with"?? When it's good for you and you're feeling alright Jase and Holly locked lips in the kitchen while Drew spies from the HoH Super Secret Spy Cam. Drew says, "That was an 'I love you' kiss!" Well you just roll over and you turn out the light Diane goes to WC and while she's gone, Drew has a one-on-one prayer with the head honcho upstairs, thanking The Big Cheese for allowing him to speak his mind and asking for strength. And you don't bring me flowers anymore Scott tells Jase, "Even Adria said, 'I miss the Jase that walked in here with us' ... A lot of people in here have been saying that." It used to be so natural To talk about forever Holly tells Jase, "I really really really like you! I friggin cried in there over you!" But 'used to be's' don't count anymore Holly gets mad and says "That's it! No more kisses for you!" "I knew I didn't want to do this. This is the problem that it causes." They just lay on the floor 'Til we sweep them away Then she points her finger in his face and says "So you think about that the next time you want kisses! I'm going to go put on sweat pants." And baby, I remember All the things you taught me Jase tells Holly he thinks her sweat pants are in the bathroom. I learned how to laugh Scott tells Jase, "Dude, you need to think about this; I mean we didn't come in this house for this." And I learned how to cry Jase tries to defend himself to the gang, saying, "I'm 28 and you guys have all kissed and had sex with lots of girls and then like here just because this house is what it is, you kiss a girl, like a peck, it's like something. It's not like all you guys, it's everyone like 'have you done anything yet' and all that stuff which makes it pressurery kinda different." Well I learned how to love Will says he would like to have Drew's face on Scott's body. Scott, of course, is not happy and wants to know what's wrong with his face. Scott asks Nakomis to rate he and Drew. She gives Scott an 8 on the face and Drew an 8.5. Yet again, Scott gets angry. Even learned how to lie Scott tells Drew, "I agreed with your plan from the beginning, but I knew it would cause a riot." You'd think I could learn Holly tells Jase how to handle Scott. She tells him, "You're dealing with an oversized gorilla. I know its hard to bite your tongue, but you can do it" How to tell you goodbye Jase finally acquiesces, saying, "Okay, guys I'm down, but I'm gonna vote for Holly so she won't feel bad." 'Cause you don't bring me flowers anymore Jase: "Scott is a Psycho." Special edition! More bits from Jokers that are just too good to pass up. I'm Going To Take My Ball And Go Home! The argument continues amongst the boys. Drew says, "If I vote Adria out, it's ME they're gonna be pissed at!" Jase (the king of revisionist history incorrectly) says, "Drew, I had the balls to put Lori up -- (wah-wahhhh. That would have been Marvin) -- and use the veto to save Holly!" Drew pulls out the brass pair and says, "YOU don't talk to me about my BALLS, I had the balls to put her (Holly) up! That took balls!" Theory of JackassaTivity As the arguing turns around and around, they once again stop on Right-Foot-Red and decide that they do, indeed hate Holly. Marvin admits, "Well, right now, I'm to the point I hate the ground she walks on, dude." Scott says, "I'll back you up on that Drew (the plan to keep Adria)". Cowboy, still lacking original ideas of his own, adds, "Yeah, I'll back you up too!" Scott ties it all up by asking, "Wait. So my "Einstein" plan is back in affect?" Calling Noah Webster....And God Holly and Scott read the bible. Heh, yeah. (Big Romans. Little Romans. Big Romans in Little Trees. Little Romans in Big Trees. Go God, Go! Holly stumbles over the word "Persecute" (which is odd, since it contains the word "CUTE" and there isn't that much left to figure out), and comes up with Per-SCOOT. Next Week On Animal Planet Jase tells Holly it is so cool that she wants to use the money to save cats. Holly says, ""If I could save half, I would be SOOO happy." I wonder who has any use for half a cat. Batting cleanup, our friends from TV Clubhouse Double Damage Control...With a Twist Karen tells Nakomis that she is tired of doing damage control. She says, the "damage control is getting me, doing double damage control, doing damage control for Diane." Witness Verily from on high, Scott proclaims that he will introduce the Bible to all his friends when he gets home. (Bible, meet my friends. Friends, this is the Bible) Scott says, "I'll just read a passage. They're going to think that I'm weird." 101 Uses For Duct Tape Karen bemoans Adria's talk with Marvin. She tells Will that Adria needs to chill out. She says, "Her conversation this morning with Marvin was a mess. Marvin kept trying to walk away and Adria wouldn't stop. I just wanted to tape her mouth shut." It Ain't Exactly Ward Cleaver Scott congratulates Drew on turning the vote around. "I commend you for sticking up. I see it dude. You really got your head on straight. I don't want to sound like your dad...I love you dude." Drew says, "I love you dude." Fade to black (no, Not Marvin). Power Hungry Cowboy, if you recall, wanted Marvin out this week BAD because he dissed Cowboy, his 25 oil wells and his empty wallet. Now suddenly, Cowboy says, "If I win HoH...I want Diane's ass out." (But what about the rest of her?) Cowboy says, "This was Adria's week to leave, and if you guys are gonna change that...then I want you to know that I will NOT put Adria up." Quotables Marvin (talking about Jase): "I think he fell for the girl a lil bit. He majored in theatrical and stuff." Dance Ten, Looks Three Drew and Diane rehash the evening entertainment when will compared Drew and Scott on looks. Will had said he would like Scott's body with Drew's Head. Scott got angry, saying, "What? Dude...What's wrong with MY head?" Drew told Scott, "Dude, I can change my body, but you can't change your head!"

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 27, 2004

Even though it's a rainy Tuesday here in TunaVille, we won't let that dampen our spirits as we check in on the overnight happenings in the Big Brother House. All the news that's fit to line your birdcage -- right here, right now. Joker's Updates Oh, Mindy! Jase and Scott do their best puffer-fish imitation by blowing themselves up bigger than a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons. They are great. They are wonderful. Jase says the DR people give him major "props" for playing the game. After a timeout with the Fish, Jase is standing at the DR door, summoned by the evil Mindy. Jase finally returns, saying they have to "stop, stop stop, or I could be gone." Seems that the DR threatened Jase with a penalty nomination and then gave him more major "props" -- this time a shut-up Muzzle. Excuse #75 Why Scott Doesn't Need the Money Today's Scottastic fiction, boys and girls, is that he doesn't need the money because he has a Playgirl Sponsor. Poor Scott cannot differentiate between the word "Sponsor" and "Crazed Stalker". Stand By Your Man After Jase is threatened by the Evil Mindy, Scott says, "If you go, I go." Maybe after all this bible study, Scott is quoting from the Book of Ruth and (to quote our pal Cowboy) "Using Thah Lord!" I, of course, channel Patrick Stewart and yell, "Make it so!" Calling Chef Boyardee Holly comes up with a new flavor of pasta in a can as she calls Scott too "test-ost-er-ony". Seeing as it's Scott, we know this flavor is without meatballs or franks. Fabulous PANTS! Last night seemed to be the night of 1000 pants. Around the ankles. As Scott spends the evening exposing the houseguests and the various (hairy-ous) attributes, Holly takes one look at Cowboy Buns and says, "This is very strange." Could It Be Any Harder? That's not what I'm going to talk about..... Diane talks to Drew about Scott, saying, "Poor guy, it's going to be a little bit harder for him to get a date now than it was before he got in here." If You Believe...Clap Your Hands Adria sobs to Drew about her current state of nomination. Adria tells Drew, "I believe in you. I can not not believe in you..." Need We Say More? Cowboy tells Drew his favorite player was Gerry from BB3. Cow-Logic Cowboy explains things to Drew. Cowboy tells Drew, "I’ll be honest. I’m the most personal guy you’ll ever meet.. (I do not think this word means what you think it means) ...and I feel this about you. I got to play this game. I can’t do it personal. If it makes me look bad, it does. I’ll regret if I don’t play the game. I’ve lied, I said to Will. Anybody has. But I haven’t lied to you. But you know…I can’t do it personal, I won’t make it if I do. My fiancée worried about that. You’re like me. Emotions, hearts. But we can’t be friendly to everybody. (and off they went to the wizard to have their brain and heart removed) News Flash: Diane Makes a Funny Drew recounting the night he was crying. He said he was in the DR and couldn't gain his composure. Diane says, "You mean, they didn't tell you to sob in complete sentences?" Big Brother: 1 Drew: 0 Drew peers into one of the blackened windows in the HoH room. He whispers, "Freaky..." and then one of the wall people says "DREW!" He falls on the bed and screams, "You scared the shit out of me!!" The voice tells him not to touch, and Drew says, "I promise not to do it again if you don't do THAT again!" TV Clubhouse And My Wife, Morgan Fairchild. Yeah, That's the Ticket! Cowboy is a pre-med major. Cowboy was an acting major. Cowboy was a ropes course facilitator. He was also an EMT and a Fireman and a Storm Spotter. Tomorrow Cowboy will be a lawyer and an Indian Chief. He probably knows Barry Drewmore too. Must-Avoid Seeing TV Scott and Cowboy decide Cowboy's upcoming sitcom (yes, they're serious about this) will be a "Guy Sex in the City". Scott says he really digs that idea. They think CBS can't handle the show, so it will have to be TNT or HBO. Scott says Cowboy will be the silly but dumb Ross character, Jase will be the romantic character, and Scott will be the guy that gets all the girls. Cowboy thinks Scott will be more like Kramer and that Lori will be the one to fall in love with Cowboy. But First, A Word From Our Sponsors Adria says when she gets evicted, they had better cut some commercials so she can get in her final words. Amsterdam-dam-dam Scott says that he brought (for his HoH basket) a baby picture. He says it is a picture of him as a baby coming on a plane ALONE from Amsterdam to the US. He says he was born in an Army Hospital, and then he says he was born in Ohio. Cabbage Patch Kid Cowboy says he was born in a dumpster. Then he says he was found underneath a dumpster. Scott says, "Are you serious??" Cowboy admits that no, he was born in a hospital. Family Ties Scott and Cowboy rehash the discover of Jennifer being his half-sister. Cowboy lovingly remarks, "Why couldn't it have been Lori?" True Love The boys are hazing Jase (behind his back, of course) because he washes all of Holly's clothes. Cowboy says to Scott, "Savage, are you going to wash my clothes?" He replies, "Absolutely. I'll be right back." Like Schwartzenegger and DiVito Cowboy tells Scott, "CBS picked us because we are different, yet we're both the same." Parting Shots Jase demands some wine. Adria notes that nobody is fetching it for him. She says, "Like i'll give him some red wine tonight. Jesus ain't walking over here."

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 26, 2004

It's Monday morning, which means it's Tuna News. All the news we didn't see fit to report the first time around, reheated and served in all its steamy freshness to you and yours. These were the Sunday evening reports from Joker's Updates Oh Lucy! Scott says his body looks just like Ricky Williams. I think, maybe Ricky Ricardo. Special Class and the Little Bus Scott, Jase and Holly make fun of Cowboy and how he talks. Holly says maybe Cowboy was in a "special" class. They also speculate that Cowboy speaks "Cowbonics". Holly, of course, would know all about special class, since she, obviously, didn't make the cut. Do They Teach This in Special Class? Diane hates Holly. She tried to get along with her, but she can't stand her. She wants Holly to give her all her clothes back again. She hopes that Holly knows that she hates her guts. Jerks of a Feather Flock Together Scott knew Alison (BB4) and her punching-bag boyfriend, Donny. He played college football with Donny and was his "drinking buddy". Scott spends some time talking about their appearance on The Amazing Race, and I smile a great big smile because I know that they are gone. Crazy Is as Crazy Does Marvin tells Diane she's in the house with 12 crazy people. He tells her if she wasn't crazy when she came in, she will be crazy when she leaves. I think Diane pretty much has crazy covered. Strategy With Props Nakomis and Will plot in the Mostly Cloudy room about possible hamster scenarios. Nakomis is using colored stones to represent the hamsters. Evidently this is a variation on Drew's Gummy Bear Strategy Method. I suppose each would be valuable if you couldn't count past ten. The downside of the stone strategy is you cannot bite the heads off of evicted hamsters. Maybe they should break into groups of three and do skits.... She Loves Me... Marvin and Diane hang out on the hammock. He plays with her fingers. ...She Loves Me Not Diane says she wants to get in there [the morgue] and fall asleep before Marvin comes in and tries to spoon with her on the concrete slab. Easy Target Jennifer would love to punch Jase in the face ...Will You Still Need Me? Holly talks to Jase about her hair falling out. She says it is stress. She asks Jase if her hair falling out will bother him outside the house? ...Will You Still Feed Me? Jase tells Holly if she eats right, he wouldn't worry about her. Holly says she likes apples. Jase says apples are fine, but she needs some fiber. An anvil of DUH strikes Jase dead. CLUNG ...When I'm Sixty-Four? Holly asks Jase, "If you could be someone else for a day who would it be?" Jase answers, "I'd be me... me... me... no wait! I know who. I'd be you and you know what I'd do as you? I'd take a big crap. More updates from TV Clubhouse Things I Wish I Had Seen Holly says some people in school called her Barbie and would burn Barbies in front of her locker. Things I Wish I Had Heard Marvin does an imitation of an African American woman getting excited over getting a three-piece meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken. People Not Clear on the Concept -- Part 1 Cowboy speaks openly and emotionally with the horsemen. He compliments Scott saying that April will think he's cute. He compliments Jase by saying he wants him to sing at the wedding. He compliments Drew by saying April will like him because he is quiet and thoughtful like Cowboy. He wants them all to stand up for him at his wedding. Scott goes on and on about WOOO... PARTY MAN.... BACHELOR PARTY... WE'RE GONNA GET SOME... COWBOY, YOU WITH A SHOWGIRL... People Not Clear on the Concept -- Part 2 Drew says, "This is a crazy game. We didn't know what we got into until we got in here." People Not Clear on the Concept -- Part 3 Diane says, "I don't care if one of the noms is me. I'll be excited!" Little Black Spreadsheet Marvin says before he left, he made a spreadsheet of all of his women. He doesn't want someone jumping on the bandwagon, so if she's not in the spreadsheet, she's not getting Marvin. Rules of Classification Karen says, "You have different classifications of guys. You can't compare guys who are athletic [with guys who are] musicians. It's like comparing apples and grenades." Cowboy wants to know if he's an apple or a grenade. Karen tells him, "Grenade, baby."

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 23, 2004

It's another rather skimpy day here at the headquarters of the Tuna News. Scraping the bottom of the barrel, let's see what's out there today. First, from Joker's Updates Calling the Grammar Police Karen: "I need to treadmill some things out." Cowboy: "Diane could be a help or a hinder." Caught Pink-Handed Diane finds her pink bandanna in the sink, cut in half. She approaches Scott and says, "I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, but is that my bandanna in the sink? In two pieces?" Scott defiantly says, "No!" Diane says, "It's my bandanna. It's the only pink one in the house," and then leaves. Scott immediately starts in on the swearing and the name-calling, and he says he hates her. Adria pops her head in and says goodnight. Scott mutters, "Now I have to go apologize to her. For cutting up her bandanna." You Sunk My Battleship! The four idiot horsemen discuss idiot horsemen type things. They all agree (amidst much fist pounding, no doubt) that the conversation must stay in the HoH room and not leak out to anyone. Jase immediately goes out and tells Holly everything, adding she must not tell anyone, because the four idiots agreed not to tell. Shopping List The hamsters were instructed to come up with five more general food items to add to their food list. They added lobster, sushi, soup, baby-back ribs and....TV Dinners. Depends on Your Definition of "It" Scott says, "People see me walking down the street and go, 'Man, that guy has it together!'" Actual Strategy The best strategist in the house? Adria. She spends some time with Drew in HoH, complimenting him on his game-play ("I see you playing it. It's how I would probably play it...") and his values (I know your values. We have the same values and same beliefs"). She throws in a little Bible for good measure ("There is a passage in Psalms about courage"), and reinforces the fact that it is a game. Finally Adria advises Drew to gather individual opinions from the house, but ultimately the decision is his and his alone. She skillfully plays Good Cop/Bad Cop by first telling Drew he is a good person, but then throwing in the fact that the decision will reflect on him and his family. She ends with a dose of humility ("I don't know if that helps you...") which draws information from Drew (That is what I will probably do, but I don't know if I will have the time...) Smooth. TV Clubhouse Chernobyl Revisited Karen talks about Drew and the upcoming nominations, saying, "I wouldn't care what he does as long as he is making his own decisions and is not contaminated." Ironic, Isn't It? Holly mentions something about her tan. Marvin chimes in offering some advice and then says..."a brother trying to give a white chick advice about a sun tan..." Cute. Cuter. Cutest Looking over Drew's HoH pictures from home, Scott tells him, "Me and Jase were talking. You look 10x better than your [identical twin] brother. You totally got the genes. He looks like Average Joe, you look like Abercromby." Laughing on the Outside, Crying on the Inside Drew and Holly talk about the BB house now the Lori has left. Drew says he teared up when she was leaving. Holly says she held back because she had heard rumors that Lori didn't like her and she wasn't going to cry over someone who doesn't like her. Holly says she "didn't didn't want to look like an idiot, crying and if she didn't like me but I was sad inside." Rejected! Drew and Holly finish their HoH conversation. Drew: Do you want a Gummy Saver? Holly: No, she can't eat them because they contain gelatin. Drew and Diane have their HoH conversation. Drew: Do you want a Gummy Saver? Diane: No. (.....later in the conversation...) Diane: I hope we can cuddle later. Drew: Probably not. (.....she should have taken the Gummy Saver...) Food Strategy 101 Karen tells Diane she is going to make a pie. Diane says, "While you're at it, poison it."

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 22, 2004

Pickings are pretty slim these days here at the Tuna News. But, never fear, I've dredged up some bits for your Thursday reading pleasure. Did anything happen overnight? I won't spoil the answer for you, so read and find out! Joker's Updates It's Like Deja Vu All Over Again Scott is the king of Deja Vu. He claims that he was in the house years ago, and keeps talking about how weird it is. Karma takes off his Mike Boogie baby blue basketball costume and giggles quietly in the corner. Delusional 500 Who wins the race for the most delusional? You make the call! Scott: "Diane digs me. She'd never put me up." Cowboy: "I've come in 3rd place and then in 2nd place in the competitions. It's obvious that I'll win tomorrow. Jase: Brad Pitt has the "it factor". He and Scott have the "it" but its just not developed yet. Scott: "The three of us [Scott, Jase and Drew] are better looking than all the other reality shows put together. Hat and Hurry Cowboy says if he wins HoH, Marvin is GONE. Cowboy would put up Diane as a pawn. Scott says he wants Marvin to go up. He says if a girl wins HoH they'd put up Marvin too. Either way, Marvin is gone. Close = Horseshoes and Hand Grenades Jase says he was almost chosen to play Brad Pitt's body double. Desperately Seeking Comebacks Jase just said he thinks next week will be life and death for him. I choose death Scott now claims basketball is his best sport and he plays every day at home. A hoop on the garage does not an NBA Superstar Make Jase says he feels good about tomorrow. "You know how you feel good about something? I feel good about tomorrow". But the question is, how do you Really Feel? Nothing More to Say The four idiots talk about wearing the same thing for the live show....maybe bow ties. cue the crickets Holly: "boring....boring....boring..." More nibbles from TV Clubhouse And a Bottle of Rum Holly thinks Marvin looks like a pirate. She says she could see him with a parrot and singing 'yo ho ho'... Calling Irene Cara Holly tells everyone she went to a Performing Arts High School. Ya Think? Jase says that Holly's problem is that she wants everyone to like her. Unlike oh, say....Jase. Or Scott. Or Cowboy.... Rub-a-Dub-Dub Scott says he is going to get in the hot tub because he hasn't had a bath in two days. Later, Marvin asks Jase (because Jase and Scott are, you know, bathing together), "Did you get him to wash his ass?" Jase replies, "I gave him that spongy thing." A Barbie Girl in a Barbie World Hamsters speculate whether or not Jase and Holly will be together outside the house. Holly says if he can handle Pink Barbie-land and her cats, fine. But if he can't handle her lifestyle.... Amen Cowboy: "I don't know about y'all ... i'm ready for tomorrow to be over with ... and the next day .. and the next day ... "

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 21, 2004

It's the Happy Hump Day edition of the Tuna News (That's Wednesday for all you perverts out there). Did Scott discover the cure for his idiocy? Did Holly manage a 3-syllable word today? Will Marvin give in and simply morph into a squirrel so he can bust....well, you know. Read along and find out! Joker's Updates Booty Props Unlike the hamsters constantly complaining about Karen's one-track mind about her husband Larry, Marvin is all about Adria. Or Natalie. Whichever. Marvin tells her, "Bootylicious, you are one cool chick. I like a woman I can stand to be around. And that's you." Adria/Natalie replies, "Right back at you." Marvin says, "Lenny must be a-OK. I look forward to meeting him." Adria answers, "He would like you, too." NO! Really? Scott says his psycho test results (for entering the house) were "weird". He says everyone he talked too -- all the doctors, and even Shapiro asked if he was going to freak out and hurt somebody." He told them no, he wouldn't hurt anybody. Scott finishes by saying, "They think I turned out awesome. They all loved me." Does That Include Bubble Wrap? Scott proclaims there are "No dudes in Pittsburgh. No guys like him, "the total package". They're called Dachshunds, People Holly says she has a "Wiener Dog" named Slinky. Both Diane and Will apologize right after they say they hate wiener dogs. Holly yells, "Why? What's going on? Slinky, don't get offended?" (I would imagine if Slinky is forced to live with 6 cats, a mannequin AND Holly, being "offended" would be the least of his concerns) ...Or Maybe Not Drew tells Diane, "You are such a ...gossip." Diane replies, ""You were going to say 'goddess'!" Twin Conspiracy, Take 96 Holly loudly exclaims in the backyard, because Diane is in a bad mood, "maybe its Lindsey" . Diane mentions that maybe Drew is involved in the twist because he's "too perfect to be real". Drew mentions he heard about BB5 through the "Twins Talent Agency". TV Clubhouse Privacy 101 Diane and Karen are talking in the bedroom. Drew comes to the door for Diane, and tells him they are talking about "female stuff". Loose Lips Holly tells Karen that she knows Diane is trying to get people stirred up, but what Diane doesn't know is that after she talks to Drew, he goes back and tells the guys everything. Welcome to the Pity Party Poor, poor Jase. Holly tells him she doesn't want to be portrayed in a "bad way" and doesn't want to cuddle with him until HoH is over. But when Jase comes into the bedroom, she is sleeping on the floor with Scott. And That's Why We Watch Jase saying he is afraid that on TV, it looks like he is getting duped. Lori says that on TV, there is no way any of us look good. Final Thoughts Adria says Holly has the IQ of a wet sponge. (I personally think that is an insult to wet sponges everywhere)

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 20, 2004

All the news that's fit to line your birdcage. Yes, we have it right here. It's the overnight edition of the Tuna News! Did anything happen while we were in therapy trying to wipe out the horrifying memories of yesterday? Let's check our friends at Joker's Updates House Violation Yahtzee! This goes back to mid-afternoon. The hamsters were put on outdoor lock-down. When Scott went outside he threw something at one of the cameras, and just barely missed it. Soon, he was called to the DR. The guys guess that he is being reprimanded for the "umpteenth time." They wonder if he'll get a penalty nomination, and if they will have the numbers to "get the job done." Ultimately, Scott wasn't thrown out. He mentioned "23 house violations" but it was difficult to tell if he was kidding or not. Jase said, "What are the violations? I mean, obviously throwing shit, but what else?" Scott said, "They just said, freaking out in the backyard..." and then it went to FISH ... Sixteen Candles It's Scott's birthday. Happy Birthday Scott! Scott asks BB for strippers and beer. They laugh and say hell, no. Karen bakes another peanut butter pie. Make a wish, Scott! Make a wish! Scott says, "OK. I wish to have sex tonight!" Marvin says, "Not unless it's with yourself." Someone adds, " I don't know, Drew's got that spark in his eye!" To Dream the Impossible Dream Cowboy says he turned down one of his dreams to be on BB. Cowboy says he was going to be a ... Lifeguard! He trained for three months, but said this was bigger. Calling the Sloganator Scott has come up with a motto for the horsemen. Editorially speaking, its lameness is vast...surpassing all BB5 hairstyles and mandanas (don't say I didn't warn you): When luck is gone and the brain is shot, the 4 horseman we still got." Show Me The Money Scott admits to hamster number two (the first being Marvin) that he really doesn't have a lot of money. Scott admits that he was a sales rep for Pitney-Bowes and made about $28k a year. Scott says, "I came in here thinking I'd have this strategy, telling everyone I make all this money and i'm here just for the fun...but then i met you guys and it all changed." Scott then backs up the "I need the money" thing with stories of relatives that live in trailer parks and own gas stations. No Such Thing as a Sure Thing Cowboy mentions that he has been cheated on. Scott says he's NEVER been cheated on. Cowboy adds, "That you know of. Scott says, "No man, I know." Notable Quotables Scott: "I don't know WHAT Holly said. She speaks alien English." Cowboy: "No I don't want to do Playgirl. I mean I've gone streaking and stuff, but no Playgirl." Scott: "The 4 horsemen are "plotinizeing" and stuff." A few more updates from TV Clubhouse Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Pipe Karen plots Holly's demise. She says, "I tried to have a nice conversation with her [because] you never know when you are going to need a vote. I would just like to bludgeon her to death with a blunt instrument...If I keep feeding her cookies, I'll make her really fat." Calling Dr. Phil Marvin discusses the difficulties of being single. He says, "When I don't have anybody, that is all I think about, and they always tell you if you stop looking you'll find them. How in the f* am I gonna find em if I stop looking?" Please Make It Stop Jase and Holly get ready for bed. Jase says, "I am just glad to have his cuddle-monkey back." Guess the veto worked.

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 19, 2004

It's Monday once again, and time for another edition of The Tuna News. What did you miss during the overnight hours? Let's see! Joker's Updates This Twin Thing is Hard Word has it that Drew/Ben messed up again last night. Cowboy was blathering about something and Drew said, "I don't know. I wasn't here that night." Bake at 350 degrees Cowboy talks to Drew about Diane. Cowboy says, "she has some good points, and a good heart. A crusty exterior, but a good heart." The World According to Marvin Karen tells Marvin that she and Larry (her husband) go to garage sales every Saturday. Marvin says, "Oh, Larry, I feel for ya man!" Karen tells Marvin she doesn't have cable. Marvin says, "You don't have cable? What are you, some puritan or something?" Lori tells Marvin that she thinks Sarah Jessica Parker is hot. Marvin says, "What? That bitch is too skinny! I like Kristin Davis. Now that's a woman." Deluded in Studio City Jase has already picked out his Hollywood name. It's "Jase Skylar". Cowboy has become the Hollywood expert, planning his own sitcom (alternately called "Cowboy and Friends" and "One Night Stand"). Cowboy declares he has some "natural" talent in him that needs to be challenged. He says when you talk to Julie on the live show you have to be quick. Later, Cowboy counsels Drew on the whole acting gig, telling him, "but if you're going to come out here and act, you need to be single. I don't want ya'll to have tension on the set, and you need to think about stuff like that." Jase (oh..Jase Skylar) says that casting did a GREAT job with the guys on this show. All Aboard the Bitter Bus Jase rips on the girls, immediately after he finishes patting Right after Jase says what a GREAT job casting did with the guys, he rags on the girls. He asks, "Why Karen? A married chick from Alabama, what gives there?" Scott complains that Adria just stands around. Jase says, "And Diane...not one of us would hook up with her, ever!" Karen says if she won HoH, she'd nominate Scott, saying, "He already has money and this show is holding down his potential." Then she says she'd put up Jase, saying, "She doesn't know him." Will says Scott has an IQ of less than negative 10. Then he says people like Jase and Holly act like they're your friends, but they'd pull your life support in the hospital if they meant they got $10. Finally he says Holly would put him in the electric chair and press "go" if it meant she would stay another week. Karen calls Scott and Jase "The Boner Brothers." Will says if he gets kicked out he won't use the last minutes to hug friends. He'll say, "Julie, hang on", and tell Jase who disgusting he is. Jesus and Pals Lori puts in a word upstairs for Will and Karen. She says, "I pray that one of you two gets it. I will pray every night." A few more nuggets from TV Clubhouse Beauty School Drop-Out The big news of the night was Nakomis deciding the Easter Egg Green hair was just too ... yesterday ... so she's going for the Mohawk look. She tells everyone if it doesn't turn out right she has a beanie that she'll wear tomorrow. More oohing and ahhing and "are you sure?"-ings pop up until Nakomis says, "It's kind of weird that other people are more worried about how the hair will turn out than I am." Discussion continues about scissors or razors and having a straight part. Finally, Nakomis just grabs a pair of scissors and starts whacking at her head. Karen wonders what Nakomis was smoking that day... Decisions, Decisions Marvin: "I don't know whether to build a grave stone, play putt putt, lift weight, or see if Drew is circumcised."

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 16, 2004

TGIF Peeps! It's the Friday edition of the Tuna News. Did anything happen over the wee hours of the night and early morning? Probably not, but let's look anyway.... Joker's Updates Regrets, I've Had a Few Diane tells Adria, "You know how people ask like 'What's that one thing you regret the most in high school?' Mine was like.. not kissing ass all the time for homecoming queen. That's what you gotta do.. I can't kiss ass for my life." Big Chernobyl House Karen says, "I'm happy as long as Scott didn't get it [HoH]. I mean, he's not that bad, but they're all just like...contaminated." Hamsters Gone Wild Will suggests that Scott sleep with Nakomis and him. Will adds, "We're wet, wild and ready to rumble!" Educating Hamsters - 1st Grade After Adria tells Diane that peanuts grow underground, Diane says, "I had no idea! You mean they have peanut farms and stuff?" Educating Hamsters - 2nd Grade Diane asks, "Tell me this. What the hell is a chickpea? Does it grow on trees or something?" Educating Hamsters - 3rd Grade Call the grammar police. In reference to Jase, Diane says, "He paranoids me." Educating Hamsters - 4th Grade Will says, "I used egregious in the DR and didn't know what it means. Holly says, "Isn't it one that agrees the most?" Educating Hamsters - Sunday School Holly says if she had only known she could have one, she would have brought a "cute bible".... like a Barbie Bible or a Hello Kitty bible. TV Clubhouse ...But Not Embarrassed Enough to Leave Scott says he's embarrassed that in the first HoH contest they told everybody he likes Hillary Duff (MOM! Hillary Duff!!) and in this competition they said he looks in the mirror the most. Gifts of the Magi Marvin makes an interesting haul as the new reigning HoH. He got Coronas (beer), the requisite dog picture, beef jerky, bacon bits, candy bars and an IceCube CD. Marvin yells, "Thank You, Jesus." Jesus say, "No prob, Bro." Ironing. It Does a Body Good Scott talks about moving out to LA, hanging with Jase, and making some money off of his BB exposure. Will says "You gotta strike while the iron is hot, I guess." Scott asks, "What?" Will says, "You gotta strike while the iron is hot.....You ever heard that?" Scott says no. ...and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt Scott says the horsemen are riding off into the sunset. Scott is sure that THEY will be picked for the veto competition. Cowboy wonders what America thinks of them. Scott says, "America love us!" Jase says, "the longer this goes on, the cockier I'm gonna get." They agree when it's only the four of them left...they're gonna get t-shirts. Farewell to Thee Will supposes "The Don" (Mike) is happy right now. Jase agrees. "He's probably on a plane saying, stewardess, keep the beers coming." Bedtime Rituals Holly says she is going to sleep on the floor tonight. At home She sleeps on the floor with "Madame" watching over he every night. Karen recounts sharing the room with Marvin. "It's dead silent for about three minutes, then Marvin starts to snore." Scott is wound up after his DR session. Jase says, "Oh my God, he never winds down, does he?" Adria says, "Then he gets bitchy and he's like shut up and go to sleep." Lori says, "Holly never winds down." Jase agrees. "No, she'll talk all night. You have to tell her to stop talking." Jase says, "This room is definitely a different energy than the HOH room." Karen adds, "And then there's a point when poor Drew sneaks out with his Bible and he goes out to repent cause Satan is going to collect his soul."

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 15, 2004

Welcome to the Peyton Place edition of the Tuna News. What happened during the late-late hours in the Big Brother House? Let's see... Joker's Updates Let's Do The Twist Again, Like We Did Last Summer So, this is the scoop. Holly was asked if she had a twin, and it took her a long time to answer. The hamsters immediately assume because she can't come up with an answer quickly, that she does INDEED have a twin, and she's a mole, and she's hiding weapons of mass destruction, and she's cracked the code on McDonald's Special Sauce. This causes mass hysteria and panic as the fingers begin to point, the tears begin to flow, and bad, bad lying sticks to everyone like Peanut Butter. These are the facts: Jase won HoH. Holly instantly attached herself to Jase. Marvin: "As soon as you get HOH, she is on you like a raincoat in Miami during a hurricane" Soon, weird sibling stuff began popping up. The hamsters began to wonder... Lori thinks there is something going down. They were told there was a twist, then the first challenge is a DNA strand, then we find out that Cowboy and Nakomis are related. Nakomis tells Karen, I don't see how this twin thing will have to work into this. Diane's twin has different hair...Drew's twin has a birthmark." Karen adds, ""But don't you find it odd that twins are so unique that they aren't using them?" Some conspiracy theories were a bit far-fetched Lori: Do you have someone in the airforce? Karen: I have an uncle in the airforce. L: See, everyone has a relative in the airforce. Mike: I don't think it has anything to do with it. If I hadn't been in the air force, i wouldn't know anyone. Marvin: Yeah I don't think the airforce thing has anything to do with it. But they knew there was SOMETHING going on.... Marvin: "I want a twist....bad!" But what? Marvin: "What does [the DNA strand] have to do with hula hoops and pink flamingos?" Meanwhile, the Drama known as Hurricane Holly picks up force Cowboy: I think Holly is controlling this game. She is an actress. ...and she is asked if she has a twin. Confusion ensues because, well, it's Holly and let's face it --- yes or no questions are hard, yo. After several minutes she says "no" and throws the entire house in a tizzy. Jase thinks Holly's a mole. He thinks she really has a twin and they're subbing out. Cowboy: I think she's playing us. Mike: I think that if she's an actress, she could be on the payroll. Holly gets upset and has ANOTHER fight with Jase Holly: I just don't have a twin. Will knows that I don't have a twin. There's just this weird twin thing I have with this other girl, but we're not twins...does that make sense? I just really wish you hadn't done that. The believability factor is low.... Jase: Before it was cute. But this time I was like, what? You know. It's not like...I don't know. We have fun and it is cool..and then...you know, I go in there and you go weird. I thought you were bipolar or something. The REAL truth comes out.... Jase: But don't make me look like a jackass on TV. And the Defense takes the field.... Holly: It's just so ridiculous and SO not true. If it was true, I would be like "heehee," but is so NOT true and I don't like being accused of something that is not true. I just have never seen you so mad... Meanwhile, someone drops a Salt-Bomb into the wound Scott: If it were me and some bitch didn't kiss me after a week , I would kick her out of that bed. I've done it before. After the fight, to save face, Jase and Holly try to play it off like it was no big deal. Holly: "We totally made the whole thing up. Hee Hee! We were trying to be like dinner theatre". Jase: "Hold on crazy people, you guys are going crazy. I'm Mr. Fun Guy. We were just doing this as drama! As TV! To keep you entertained! Everyone wants drama, we gave it to you." This goes over like a lead balloon Scott: "Don't do this, Jase. Now, I won't trust you at all." Drew: "Dude, if you are doing that...it sucks." Lori: "I so don't wanna be involved." And the hamsters continue to wonder about Holly... Cowboy: "It's the treatment..." Mike: "The what??" Lori: "At the hotel before the show, she got better treatment. She got nicer rooms and better stuff. She even got a photo shoot on her own before our group one." ....and the conspiracy theories fly again. Karen: "I know for a fact that I was in the sequestered hotel with Drew's brother. "I thought it was Drew but it was his brother." Nakomis: "What if Jase and Holly are related?" Karen: "Oh My God!" Scott spends some time talking to Holly to get the truth. Holly says, "Time to make the donuts!!" Drew: "I feel like I'm infected with whatever she's saying. She's got Scott glazed over right now." ...and throws a lot of attention back on Jase, claiming he made her say and do things, and she is scared of him. Marvin doesn't understand how she can be scared of someone and sleep in the room with them. Scott: "She could be full of shit. He could be full of shit. You never know." Marvin: "Ding. Ding. Ding." But somehow, Holly still manages to defend Jase Holly: "We're good people. He's a firefighter, and I rescue cats." ....and blames the day's drama on BOREDOM Cowboy: "Boredom needn't have caused all this. We could have gathered in 3's and done a skit." What will today bring? What do the hamsters think about Jase? Will: "As far as ultimate strategy is concerned, that was not his best move." What does Holly think about Holly? Holly: "This is NOT going on my resume!...after this I'm probably screwed for life." Tune in tomorrow to hear Scott say, Scott: "I feel bad for The Don!!!" All the news according to TV Clubhouse Old Big Brother Had A Farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on this farm he had a.... CHICK Holly: "Eggs are like chicken abortions or something. I think it is sad, you are eating an unborn fetus, a baby chick. I'm going to bed. I can't be around this cooking of meat any longer. It's making me nauseous." GOOSE Jase: I ate ice cream last night. You drove me to it. My abs are tight from crying. You make me cry all night long. Holly: You are lying. You are just being a silly goose. FROG Jase: "Dear God, please let something happen so we don't have to talk about this ...let it rain frogs...." CAT Holly: "I know I am not supposed to punch like a cat." PIG Scott: "Guys I hope you like burned bacon." Marvin: "Don't tell me you fucked my hog up ... You're standing right over it." Scott: "Let's put in on a plate and do the da--thing." Scott: "I like it burnt...sorry guys." Holly: "That is disgusting." Marvin: "Since you like it burnt you eat the burnt pieces." Holly: "It looks like pig tails." Scott: "That is what it is." SHEEP Holly: "I didn't do it, it wasn't me. I am the innocent lamb." SQUIRREL BB: "Michael, please go to the DR." Marvin: "Cowboy been waiting right there by the DR - Locked and loaded." Scott: "Good luck, talk about my nuts, I love you." ZOMBIE Jase: "Girls you are laughing but when it [shaving cream] gets in your eye it stings. That is why I have a lazy eye." Holly: "I might get conjunctivitis...I might get pink eye." Marvin: "...potentially kill her...if it goes into a brain ..." Old Big Brother Had a Farm.... Marvin: "I need some dead farm animal when I eat." E-I-E-I----------- Big Brother: PLEASE STOP SINGING!!! O

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 14, 2004

Bonjour! C'est La Tuna News! Bonne fête de la prise de la Bastille! Or, Happy Bastille Day for you Freedom Fry loving Americans. Storm a prison and then sit down, pull up a chair and enjoy today's French Flavored edition of The Tuna News! Oooh Lah Lah! Jokers Updates Hillary Duff! Hillary Duff! Mom, It's Hillary Duff!!! Holly says she knows Hillary Duff's older sister because she did a movie with her. Scott gets all excited because he's a big Hillary Duff fan (Dude, she's 16 years old!) and wants to know if Holly can introduce them. (Phrase of the day: Bonjour, Hillary Duff!!) There Are No Small Parts, Just Small Actors So Holly did a movie with Hillary Duff's older sister. Lori has a SAG card and is a hand double in Hollywood. Jase was on "Will and Grace" and played a gay guy who was on a spelling bee. Scott says, "they found me in a bar" and later disses the women in the house, calling them "actresses" and "extras". Oh, and as for the "no small parts, just small actors" saying ... Well, I think Scott disproved that one pretty handily by being both a small actor and having a small part. (Phrase of the day: Scott a un petit pénis) Speaking of Small Parts - Take 1 Scott remarks while taking a shower, ""I'm so tall the regular cameras probably see my junk." GreenTuna mutters, "They're only cameras...not the Hubble Telescope." (Phrase of the day: Est-ce que c'est tout ?) Speaking of Small Parts - Take 2 Holly (of all people) tells Will, Loi and Karen that she thinks Scott is like TOTALLY insecure." She thinks that's why he talks and talks and talks about himself all the time. ....and then poses nekkid behind a bar. (Phrase of the day: J'ai confondu votre pénis avec un bâton de swizzle) Marvin's Masterpiece Madness Marvin turns out another extravagant dinner, complete with appetizers. Hopefully unrelated to this topic, Adria remarks that they replaced the sharks in the fish tank. One of them was wounded. Later, Adria tells Diane that she "let's" some people cook because they NEED that. They agree that the dinner was good, but Adria says it was a waste of a lot of ingredients. (Phrase of the day: Savez-vous le traitement de tante Jemima?) Poseurs The hamsters talk about BB making them pose walking and turning around. They (wrongly) think this is the footage for the opening credits. Poor Scott. This is not good news. He says BB made him take his shirt off and put his hat on sideways. (Phrase of the day: Je suis un outil. Yo Yo Yo) She Shoots, She Scores! The boys discuss who is going next week, because evidently they have already won the HoH competition before it happens. The front runners appear to be Lori and Karen. Jase thinks Lori is "running the show" and has got to go. Marvin does the classic "I tole you! I tole you! You let that girl play you! She's got more game than March Madness!" (Phrase of the day: Elle tire, elle marque !) Things are Seldom What They Seem Holly and Diane share a mutual love-fest. Diane tells Holly, "From last week, to this week, you've been like two different people. You went from this person, like we didn't know who the hell you were to this smart girl, all in a week." (Phrase of the day: Êtes-vous stupide psychopathe ou simplement?) Diane tells Drew, "I hope your brother is more charming than you are." Scott says, "Maybe that's not Drew." Diane says, "It's gotta be Ben talking." (Phrase of the day: Il ain't lourd, il est mon frère) Scott tells the boys, "When I talk to Lori she doesn't seem to have her shit straight." (Phrase of the day: Ma merde est twisty) They Said It Jase: What's up, beautiful? Karen: Everything, if you rub it hard enough. Marvin: I'm too big for TV. Karen: Now I see the softer side of Marvin. Marvin: Don't be telling everyone I'm a softy. Marvin: I told him (Jase) it's like prison, if you saw a chick in here for some votes, aint nothing wrong with that. Cowboy: (Unscrews Light bulbs) BB: Camera shakes "no". Cowboy: (Screws light bulbs back in) Cowboy (to Scott:) Good night Savage, I love you. Scott: I love you too, you sexy bitch. Last Words Marvin's snoring is causing all the hamsters to run for the cotton balls. Lori says, "it's like a farm animal...let's shoot him!" (Phrase of the day: Cluck Cluck. Moo Moo. BLAMMO!) More tidbits from TV Clubhouse Denied! Poor Jase is all torn up about being denied a kiss from Holly. As he remembers life outside the house, he gets some cheese to go with his whine. "The girls are good to me...the girls slide numbers into my pockets...and now I'm in a situation where I got denied an innocent kiss...had such a nice lead in talk, such a nice moment and she is like I just can't...and I'm like we've just shared this moment...and she is like I'm so glad you're here and I'm so glad you're here...and it was just like....." Doh Diane dropped her entire mic set in the toilet for the second time. She claims this time she wasn't drunk...just not paying attention. After retrieving it, she tries to dry it off with the hair dryer. Mending Fences As Diane and Holly share their heart-to-heart, Diane recounts how she didn't like Holly very much the first week. Just to clarify, Holly asks, "before were you like eww barf yuck or what?" Verbatim This one is too good not to leave just as it is. Courtesy of recapper "Grunge" at TV Clubhouse Karen: All right, we're all perverts. Most of our stuff won't be airable. Michael: America won't even know who Marvin is. Marvin: Let me have my Karen fantasy.(Pulls cover over head) Ooo Marvin, you're soo good. I heard about the myth, but this is ridicules. (All laugh) Girl: What happened? Karen: Apparently, I'm in bed with Marvin. Lost in Translation Translating from French back into English... My shit is twisty He ain't heavy, he is my brother Are you psycho or just stupid? She shoots, She scores! I am a tool. Yo Yo Yo Do you know the Aunt Jemima treatment? I confused your penis with a swizzle stick Is that all? Scott has a small penis Hello, Hillary Duff!

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 13, 2004

It's the Tuesday edition of the Tuna News! Did anyone do anything remotely exciting or scandalous? Will Mike ever speak again? Does Julie Chen have an identical twin? Read and find out. Joker's Updates No Kidding, Us Too! Lori speaks for recappers everywhere when she tells Karen and Nikomifer "I wish things happened a little faster." Nikomis says, "I wish there was more to do. The golf thing is fun.." Karen adds, "Yeah, for about 10 minutes..." Dressed to the Nines Evidently dressing up for 80's night is dying a fast death. Lori: Are you going to do that 80's thing on live night? Adria: I don't want to do it. Karen: I'm not going to do it. Nakomis: I'm not doing it. Lori: What about Diane? Diane are you doing the 80's for live night? Diane: No I'm not. Adria: With the guys it doesn't matter and Holly she looks like the 80's all the time. STILL not clear on the concept "If i remember right, the nominees help with the food challenge before being evicted." Fun in the Diary Room The hamsters have nicknamed the diary room "Big Willy" for reasons that I cannot hope to understand. Will says he has told some long stories in there and then they make him do it again, without dropping the F-bomb. Diane asks if they can say "damn" -- because she's said that a few times. And "hell" too. Marvin yells 37 more cuss word combinations from across the back yard that they forgot to mention. OK, he didn't, but he could have. Karen goes into the Diary room, and Skippy forgets to cut to the fish. Karen says, "I'm glad you called me in while I still have my blue shirt on." BB says, "I love that shirt!" Jesus Loves Me, This I Know Jase tells Holly, "Here's the deal with this whole game. I'm going to f*cking win." Holly says she shouldn't be so cocky because Jesus is watching and might take it away. Jase explains that Jesus won't because he's going to give all the money away. Charity Begins at Home Jase the Philanthropist says he is going to start his own charity. Holly asks, "Like a pyramid scheme??" Jase says no. Jase explains that he wants to help kids who are poor. He says he always felt sorry for them when he was in school because they had shitty shoes. I guess this means Jase will be opening several Payless franchises. You Must Remember This, A Kiss Is Just a Kiss Jase SO wants to give Holly a kiss. Jase says it's just like High School, but I pretty much think that is an insult to high schoolers, even those with shitty shoes. Jase feels that if he wants a career (ala Mike Boogie, I guess) he needs to "kick it up a notch" (BAM!) Holly tells Jase she doesn't want it to "look porno". Nothing ultimately happens, and the whole lot of them go to bed frustrated. Again. Promisekeepers Jase made a "promise gift" to his mom. He wrote out 25 sentences that all begin with, "Mom, I promise..." At the end was the promise to do all the things he promised to do (duh) and then he signed it in blood. She had it framed. Bleah. Drew May be Cute, But He's No Einstein Drew/TwinDrew nearly blows it again. He tells Mike that he's going to have to beat him at chess. Mike looks confused and says, "You just beat me tonight." Drew/TwinDrew gets all flustered and says, "are you sure that was ME?" Notable Quotables Marvin: "Scuse me, Dr. Atkins. I am fucking your diet up tonight!" Adria (to Cowboy): Adria: Ooohh, I love those front-pressed jeans. You're wearing my style now. And that white T-shirt underneath?? I'm gonna get some biscuits and sop you up buddy. Karen: I don't like her (Adria). I'm afraid she'll break my jaw. Holly: Marvin, get your corpse loving butt in here! Nicomis: I don't see the big deal with the Internet. What's to watch? We just sit around and scratch our butts. Holly: Don't wear those shorts. I don't want your wiener to fall out Last But Not Least Happy Birthday to Marvin's Mom! More tidbits from our friends at TV Clubhouse Spotlight on Karen The first time Karen ever stuffed a turkey, she got demented. (Yeah, I don't know what that means either) Karen hates yogurt. Karen hasn't opened a car door for herself in 13 years. Spotlight on Marvin Marvin likes pig's feet. Especially BBQ'd pig's feet. Marvin had a whole pile of Playboys he tried to sneak in the house. Then he tried to sneak parts by putting them between pages in the bible. Then he got caught. It's All About Context Scott: "You can't get a yeast infection from a hot dog." Guns don't Kill People. Deer Kill People Adria tells Will about Nakomis' story of being attacked by a deer. Will says he's scared of wild animals. Adria comforts Will by saying, "They don't mean to murder people though." Hunches Cowboy says he had a feeling before he came on the show that they were going to mess with me with the father thing. I wonder what tipped him off? Perhaps the mandatory photo-album session? The hours of interviews about his father? What If God Was One of Us? The hamsters have their daily bible reading. Adria is reading Romans and Psalms. Drew prefers Ecclesiastes. Adria says "If Jesus came here, he would be like, 'my children, gather' and I would be like, 'excuse me, let me get up in front. What do you want to tell me, JC'?" Will sums it up nicely by adding, "Lord have mercy, if Jesus walked into this house." Pass the Donuts, Please Diane and Will talk about The Internet People. She asks, Do you ever think about who could be watching us right now, like some little girl in Asia or some older guy eating a donut? It's All About Context. Take Two Jase: "And I look like a retard, cause I got totally denied."