Tuna News -- July 6th, 2007

It's SEASON EIGHT at the Big Brother House, and already the House Guests are proving to be the predictable, annoying hamsters that they are. Although they've been in the house for five days, the feeds did not go live until midnight EDT, but have no fear, there was still plenty of idiocy to report. Here are the headlines: Introducing Dick He likes to be called EvelDick. Yes, Evel with an "E" as in Knievel. I don't know why because he is neither Evel nor Evil. What he is is a whopping case of ADD, and HEY, AN APPLE! So far, it seems ADDick hasn't slept, so we get lots of incoherent ramblings, and wacky hijinks (like, for example, THIS). Dick is the father to Danielle (poor kid) and they are one of the rivals - enemies - people with unfinished business pairs in the house. Introducing Joe and Dustin Joe and Dustin are another set of enemies in the form of ex-boyfriends. Although Joe entered the house with the original 11, it has becoming quickly apparent that the hamsters prefer Dustin to Joe, despite the fact that Dustin is a know-it-all blowhard and Joe is a bitter flaming ex. Introducing Carol and Amber Otherwise known as, the first two nominees for eviction. Amber is a single mother who is evidently well-liked in the house. Carol is another hamster involved in the "twist" but her story is so lame its laughable. She is paired with her nemesis, Jessica. They were HIGH SCHOOL RIVALS. Are you feeling the gravity of the issue? THEY DIDN'T SPEAK TO EACH OTHER IN HIGH SCHOOL. OHMYGAWD! Oh, and there is some issue about somebody not paying somebody $5 they owed. Five Dollars. It's not exactly Springer-Worthy material here, folks. The Power of Conviction In Regards to the Eviction Nominated for eviction, Carol worries about what kind of impression she gave to the other house guests. She tells Dustin she feels badly that other hamsters thought she didn't want to stay in the house. "And I didn't want to!" She whines. "I mean, for a good hour!" It's All About Sacrifice, Baby Carol recites a laundry list of things she gave up to come to the Big Brother House. She gave up education. She gave up graduation. She gave up her boyfriend. Maybe. She gave up dancing or cheering or whatever she does at college, and BOY HOWDY were they mad! They made her write a letter! The list goes on and on and includes french fries, candy and meat on Friday. She's probably also now lactose intolerant and blind in one eye. All for the love of the game. Bring on the Chess Analogies Dustin, ever eager to lecture strategy to others, tells Carol that Zach is "playing his own game" and he's "setting up his own pieces." Dustin tells Carol, "It's whether you want to be a part of his chess board or not." Maybe It's NOT About the Money After All? Carol reveals her true reasons for wanting to stay in the house, saying, "I can't go yet. I have too many cute clothes to wear!!" Over Achiver Amber talks about the testing process for Big Brother. She says the test administrator told her that in 16 years she had never seen anyone so loyal, honest and trustworthy. She called her a "truly unique individual". Sadly, the test administrator was probably a pathological liar, because just about any dog from the pound will fit the above description. Speaking of Idiot Interviewers Joe admits that he was tipped off about Dustin being in the house. Erik admits that they called him the wrong name. Another Serving of Waffles for M'Lady? Carol tells Dustin that she can't compete against Amber in a deceitful way. She explains, "I cannot be conniving about it. I can't. I can't do it." Then she adds, "At least not yet." Oh, that last sentence will get you every time. Songs You CAN Sing in the Big Brother House The Slop Song (Jameka) The "Now All of America Knows I Have Gonorrhea" Song (Joe) Additional "Cha-Cha-Chas" for above (Jessica) Songs You CANNOT Sing in the Big Brother House Jesus Songs (Carol, Jameka, Kail) Whistling Songs (ADDick) And He's Bi-Polar, Too! Dick the tenderhearted has a mini-meltdown about his estranged daughter and fellow hamster, Danni. He says, "Danielle is Alice. She always wanted to be Alice and now she is. How weird is that? How weird and sad is it that I can still miss my daughter and she is right here?" Then Dick the jerkwad then blows his nose in his shirt and says, "Gross, huh? I don't give a f***. Never do." But That's Why You're Here! Day five and the house is already falling apart. Not the house guests, the actual house! Dick discovers the HoH doorbell (no longer attached to the wall) and takes it downstairs. He plots a punking of the HoH room by ringing the doorbell from hidden locations (next up: "Is your refrigerator running?" and "Prince Albert in a Can"). Not surprisingly (to everyone but Dick) Big Brother tells Dick to take the doorbell to the storage room. Dick complains that they always take his fun away. He says, "I'm always getting in trouble. It's just like living with my mother." Parting Words Dick: I wonder if ten cartons of cigarettes was enough.