TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 29, 2003

It's Friday! It's Friday! It's Friday! Not rain, nor students, nor campus traffic, no added police officers to enforce the speed limits on holiday weekends can dampen my spirits. It's Friday, and it's time for the News du Tuna. With Jun taking a side trip, could anything fun have happened in the house? Probably not, but we can always make something up, right? Next on the Food Channel: Kitchen Smackdown With Jun gone, Erika takes over the kitchen. They seem to have found, and Erika remembers how to use kitchen utensils. On the menu? Tuna sandwiches. BTW, TinyTuna makes a mean can of Spaghetti-O's. Just saying. Jee gets the ingredients. Robert eats the food and declares it is good. Ali says she likes Tofu Popsicles. Please, somebody tell me that is a joke, because it's the grossest thing I've ever heard. Erika wants to make milk out of cream, and Jee calls it "Ghetto Milk." Where's Waldo? The HG get to see a clip of Jun at the MTV awards. Jee guessed the Space Needle in Washington. Robert guessed "Space Mountain" (Isn't that a ride at Disneyland??). They know the girls got it right. Robert turns his excitement for Jun and his prize into a MeMeMeMe solo, as he says "if they know Jun, then they must know US!!! Yes, HONNNNKbert, unfortunately that is true, but I've been promised that electro-shock therapy can reverse the damage. Jealousy-Cakes Erika "I get the Clambake from Hell, and she gets the MTV awards??" Ali "Jun gets a bodyguard and I'm stuck in this house??" Ali "I got ripped off." Erika "That's some crazy shit. I don't want to talk about this in the DR for awhile." Ali "I'd be fucking happy in a hotel room right now." Ali "Take away from my fucking spotlight. Jun can't complain about not being in the spotlight ever again." Ali "It's beyond awesome. No wonder they gave us a fucking Continental Breakfast this morning. It's Horseshit." Always Look on the Bright Side of Light (whistle whistle) Still smarting over the fact that Jun is there and they aren't, they try to think positively. Jee says, "what if it were Jack?" and they all laugh. Ali says, "we had a good day today, though, guys." Erika says, "We jumped in some balls. Come on, it doesn't get much better than that!" Ali concludes, "we're so pathetic." Amen. Jee and Robert. Together Again Since our Jee and Robert tirades appear to be drawing to a close, we must take every advantage to hear their repetitive Tony Robbins Stuart Smiley Arnold Schwarzenegger Motivational Self Help Pump You Up Drivel. Jee has played the game with honor. Jee tells Robert to keep fighting. Robert says it won't be the same in the house without Jee. Robert says even if he only wins second place, he's going to fly Jee down to visit him. Jee says he's done his best and that's good enough. He has no regrets. Jee says what hurts in this game is the players that think they are the strongest physically or mentally..say for example Justin or RODDY or Jee (oh my!)...if you let all your talent out in the beginning, you are out. Jee says it's not for guys like Justin or me to win this game. Excuses, Excuses Jee says he should have known, but he realized it in the end that Jun was at the MTV awards. I bet that happen just as they flashed it on the screen. Robert says he doesn't even own basic cable. Erika and Robert Robert says if he wins HOH next week he's putting up Jun. Erika asks "and who else" and Robert says he doesn't know. Robert says of the three girls, he'd rather see Erika win (HA). Erika and Robert talk about Jun's schedule once she got to New York. Robert is pretty amazed they would fly her all the way out there. Hamsters start getting called into the DR for a fairly lengthy session. Erika says they have to talk about what it felt like, knowing Jun was in NY. Jee Makes an Actual Funny Jee walks into the LR with a plate of fruit that he drops all over the floor. Erika says she hates it when that happens. Jee says he's going to take it back to the kitchen and wash it off...he doesn't want to waste it. Erika says "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt." Jee answers "It's not dirt though, it's lint...... And God didn't make lint." And What's Wrong With TUNA? Erika beats herself up with a Tuna Can. She mutters in the kitchen ""she's at the frickin' MTV music awards and I'm here making tuna fish! Stupid! stupid! Just one question. SEASHELL, silly, SEASHELL! " Spotlight Stealing 101 The Hamsters suggest they all get naked and have sex. Someone says "This will definitely take away from the MTV music awards!" Another Night of Cards Robert and Jee had never played "Old Maid" before Justin got the game. They had never even heard of it. Robert is asked if he will get it for his daughter. He says she is too old. Jee says, "why is she too old? You guys are 33, and you're playing." Robert says Ali is always transparent when she has the Old Maid. He says you can see it in her face. The City So Nice, They Named It Twice Robert wonders where the next HOH gets to go...Cancun? Jee says Jun got what she wanted, attention, a trip to NY, the spotlight, a trip to NY, red carpet, at trip to NY, fans, a trip to NY... Robert asks how do they know it was a red carpet? He says it could have just been a valet spot. Erika says, "It was a red carpet, dude." Jee says "What do you think? We have carpets all over the city?" One last dig Ali "That bitch gets to go to the awards." Erika "Someone sounds bitter."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 28, 2003

Things may be disappearing from the BB House, but the TunaNews will *never* go away! (Insert evil laugh and flashing lightning). Did Jun get lost on her way to the DR? Did the spice rack ever come back? Will Jee and Robert ever take responsibility for their actions? (No, Dunno, and Monkeys + My Butt) Let's find out. TV Clubhouse And Honor Flew Out the Window In the rolling hills and valleys of Sour Grapeland, Jee and Robert pout like babies. Jee complains that he doesn't want to be with "those people." Robert stamps his big bozo feet and says he is eating outside tonight. He doesn't give a fuck what they say. Not surprisingly, when the food showed up, they all sat together. Inside. At the table. It's a Small World After All In between bites of Thai food being shoved down her gullet, Ali says being in this house has exposed her to all sorts of different foods and cultures. She said before BB, the only place where she had experienced something like this was Disneyland. Apocalypse Ahoy Robert tells Jee he is going to have to apologize to Ali. Robert says he was a dick. Jee tells Robert he doesn't have to do that. He says "you were upset. She did somethng that was fucked up. She coulda told us the truth." Do You Hear that Big Sucking Sound Jee says "I don't wanna go in there (inside) right now. The vibe...it sucks." You know Jee, that's how most of us feel everytime we boot up the feeds. Don't Try to Understand Them, Just Hate Them Ali says she doesn't understand why Robert is so incredibly angry. She says it was a shitty thing to do (switch her vote) but "I didn't kill his children!" In the land of the delusional BB puts the hamsters on Indoor lockdown. In between the "where the hell is Jun" comments, Jee says he was so homesick he thought that maybe Carmen will be coming through the door. Yeah, because Jee didn't win enough prizes last week, he gets a personal visitor to boot. Because Jee is just that kind of upstanding, honest respectful kinda guy. Except not. Jun's Missing BB posts a "Missing" poster with Jun's face on it. I can't read any of the text though, sorry. If somebody can enlarge the picture without losing the integrity of the text, it is posted at tvclubhouse.bomis.com/discus/messages/10972/1100055.html?1062050429 near the bottom of the page. Sometimes the hamsters think they hear her. Ali guesses that figuring out where Jun is will be the prize for the food competition. Jee complains with Jun gone, nobody will make the coffee. Or the doughnuts, probably. In the land of the Delusional. Chapter Two For some reason, the hamsters have a real Kum-ba-yah moment and talk together about the game and their strategy and their alliances. Erika says when she and Jack talked, 95% of the time it was about life, not about the game. Jee tells Erika her alliance has done really well, considering they have only won one competition. Robert says "not to sound cocky (*COUGH*), but none of you could win against me. We all know where we're at." Deciphering the Clue Ali and Erika guess "Big Apple" right away, but without more information, they don't know exactly where Jun would be. Erika asks "what else would be Big Apple of Big Fruit?" Ali says "Hanes her way?" Erika says "She's in my pants!" POV winner will be revealed on the Plasma screen on Thursday evening. Jee says "what is this, Amazing Race??" The Anvil of shutthehellupJee and never take the name of Amazing Race in vain CLUNKS Jee on the head, rendering him mute. Ali has been drinking and says "thanks for the clue when I am wasted." Counting the Anvils of Irony Ali She'll be back tomorrow. CLUNK Robert Part of the game is she has to live in the house. CLUNK Jee Let's rule out event. That's unfair because we couldn't know events. CLUNK Erika Internet watchers are fans of the show. They love the show...they love the cast.... CLUNK Parting Shots The Hamsters guess Jun was blindfolded when she left the house. Erika says "she liked that, too!" This is a Prize? Ali asks Erika where she thinks Jun is. Erika says "I don't know dude. She's probably watching us. Maybe it was 'win the chance to watch the Houseguests for an hour.' " Later Ali thinks that she had better eat a lot tonight because Jun probably accepted an offer to leave the house and put them on PB&J. Last Chance? Last Dance? Ali is sure this week is the last POV competition. Erika asks her how she knows. Ali says because Marcellus had the last POV and there were 5 HGs left. Ali and Erika decide they are both going to go for POV because they aren't sure what Jun is doing and they don't want to be used as pawns. Wishlist All Hamsters have to write down three items they would like for the food competition. Jee tells the girls to make sure it is something everybody will like. The hamsters all notice Jun's name is not on this list. Final Anvil Moment Jee "The Internet fans know us how we really are." CLUNG. Parting Shot Robert says when he leaves the house, he is going to leave a pair of his underwear with peanut butter smeared in the ass for Jun.

TUNA NEWS MID-AFTERNOON EXTRA -- AUGUST 27, 2003

Things said in the BB house which could be dirty, but aren't Jee Bring it out, Bring it out, Bring it out! Oh. Shucky Darn! Erika What the hell do I have? Jee Why did you do that? BB Lockdown is over. Ali I don't know if we should pull those off.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 27, 2003

Yes, indeedy, it's the Wednesday Humpy Eviction Day Edition of the Tuna News. What excitement awaits today? What nuggets of fun and information? What pieces of drivel so insignificant you thought you missed them the first time, but oh no, they're back? Will Jee lose his honorable ways and talk badly about someone? Will Robert cease being the charming gentleman that he is and do something personally vile? Did Jack and Erika have a farewell fling? Read it all here! TV Clubhouse I'm King of the World! (glug glug glug) Jee isn't going down without a fight. He tells Robert the whole game has been a fight, a battle for them. He says the whole game has been that way for them (JeeBert). Jee is fucking exhausted and tired. Robert and Jee decide since they are the strongest in the game, they won't win. They say the weak players get together and vote the strong ones out. It happened the past two years, they rationalize. The Tuna starts humming "Nearer My God To Thee" as the good ship JeeBert heads for that great big iceberg over there. No Pressure. Just Threatening Persuasion Jee and Robert talk to Ali. Keep in mind; they are not pressuring her at all. No, no, not at all. Jee tells Ali there is "no pressure. You make a decision, and it's final. No threat to you." Jee tells Ali he could have taken Jacks suggestion to take somebody down and put Ali up instead. Robert says "Yeah, we have a goal, and if you vote against us, you're gonna mess us up." Jee says, "I'm not pressuring you. There's no pressure, Ali." Calling Dr. Daniels...Dr. Jack Daniels... Ali is feeling the pressure (see above). She says she needs to see Dr. Zachary. She goes around the house killing bugs, and she mutters "time to see Dr. Zachary." She says she is paranoid. She says her mind isn't working right. Dr. Robert says "try not to think about life and stuff until you get out." After 1-life and 2-stuff ... what's left? Ali in Training Ali talks tough (when she feels like it). She says if she met Robert in a bar, she'd "kick him in the nuts". Ali tells the other girls that they will have to fight her for HOH. Erika tells her she can have it if she wants it. Ali says no, she wants them to have it, but they'll have to fight her for it. Later Ali whines about poor people vs. rich people, and says that people like Donny should have been picked for the show. Ali says "If Jun wins, she'll spend the money on drugs and garbage." Later, Ali attacks Jeebert (behind their back, of course). "Stupid jerk-offs. Don't fuck with me. I fucking trained for this. Don't think you're going to throw me off. Little bastards." I wanna hold your hand Jun does the Tuesday night manicure ritual with all the HGs. Jee comes in and politely says "it's been a long day, huh Jack?" Jack recounts his day to Jee, and says "I got to hold Jun's knee while she did my nails." Jun answers "don't think I didn't notice that, Jack." Girl Power!! Ali "Because I have tits, they think I'm fucking stupid." Jack "I'm bloated and I have terrible cramps. Jun "That's not funny. You'll never know how it feels to be a girl." And So I Face the Final Curtain Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence....No, actually Jee and Robert were talking, but it's not like we haven't heard it all before. I can't resist though. It's so very Jee... 1. "I am going hard for veto next week. I'll make them shit in their pants." 2. "Money doesn't mean shit to me. What I value is a girl who fucking loves me to death. And my family. I didn't kiss ass to nobody. I just want to see my girl. That's my prize." 3. "Sometimes it's important not to talk about the game. I miss my girl. I want to go home. It's been a long time that we've been away from civilization." 4. "I don't want to walk out. I'm not a quitter." 5. "I was humble the second week. I won't be smacked in the face again." 6. "I can see Erika or Jun winning this game. Ali, I just can't. If she wins, I'll question life a little bit. It will bother me." 7. "Fuck it. Whatever happens. When Jun goes through her depressive moods, I sympathize -- not to badmouth her -- but she's so damn conceited...." Logic - Take One In the JeeBert attempt to pressure Ali to bow to their whims, Jee gives her the works. Jee tells Ali not to trust Jun to vote to evict Erika. Jee says "we're all going through stuff, my nicotine, Jun's period. You're probably hearing things from both sides. Think of who has been true to their alliance. Think about who's been honest to you, and who hasn't. When I said I kept you safe, I have." Logic - Take Two Robert does the math. He tells Jee "Anyone of the three girls against you, and you'll win. Anyone of the three girls against me, and I'll win. That's a fact." Gone, but never forgotten After Jee and Robert attempt to strongarm Ali to their plan, she rants long and loud at Erika and Jun. Ali says "I haven't been this mad since Dana was in the house." Ali's BB Training Revealed She says she trained to come into the house. She says she ate Peanut Butter without bread for a whole week just to prepare herself. Great Quotes BB "Houseguests. This is an outdoor lockdown." Ali "Why can't you take our shit one time? Ali "You want to bring it? I'll fucking tear you apart by a blonde girl. I don't even know which one I'm more mad at." Jee "I hate this live voting shit." Ali "The only thing I really regret is not giving Nathan a sympathy vote." Ali "We can get Robert out by driving him nuts so he'll voluntarily leave. We'll ignore him." Robert "Jun is immature and conceited. She couldn't even walk next to the girls I know." (Tuna says yes, streetcorners can be crowded...)

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 26, 2003

It's a slightly drippy Tuesday Edition of the Tuna News. The News this morning is brought to you by my doughnut, which in the store, had disguised itself as an apple filled doughnut. Once in the office, however, I come to discover the filling is *green*. It's....lime. What other little surprises might be lurking in the BB house? Let's tune in and find out! TV Clubhouse Estrogen Central The perceived super secret power hangs out in the living room discussing their ... popularity! I know, it's hard to believe. They ponder how they are perceived by America. Ali calls Erika the Dream Queen of America: she is nice and pretty and loves animals. Jun supposes she is the "funny, sexy Asian". I suppose 2 out of 3 if you grant a lot of leeway. Like Montana leeway. They tell Ali that she is crazy and a typical pageant queen. Jun says Ali knocks other girls off the stage to win. All three of them agree they are getting more airtime than those "bitches on Shipmates." Some Like It Hot Erika is the one who has been messing around with the thermostat. Robert still hasn't figured it out yet. Later he complains that BB is messing with them. He says he keeps turning down the thermostat. It is the third time that it's set at seventy-fucking-seven degrees. Great Mysteries Revealed Chapter One Ali declares she hates reading and she hates most books. Now I know why I hate Ali. This also explains Ali's literacy campaign stamped all over her ass. Chapter Two Robert once took a shower and shampooed with a bottle of "Summer's Eve". He couldn't figure out why it wasn't lathering. He asked Jun what is was for and she tells him it is a Douche. Chapter Three Michelle thought Pearl Harbor was in California. Teasing the Great and Might Jee Hamsters are on full tease mode with the Jeester. They say BB has awarded him "best microphone maintenance" as well as "Best BB player ever." Jee never takes teasing too well, but what's he gonna do. Leave? Jun also tells Jee his hair looks like a Chia-Pet. Jee protests by saying his HOH CD (Richard Marx) is the most popular one yet. Jun says "don't flatter yourself, dude." Jee, The Two-Faced Wonder Remember Jee? Who said "I'll suffer with you. I'll only eat PB&J with you." Jee is in the kitchen. He makes a bread, mustard and mayo sandwich. He took the sandwich to the HOH room, snuck in some meat, and made a ham and roast beef sandwich. Jee tells Robert how considerate he is (Jee) for not eating in front of others. Evidently Robert doesn't count as Jee eats two sandwiches. And a bag of chips. What a guy. Call it Fair Warning Robert asks Jee if he will promise to send Korean girls his way. Jee say sure thing. Robert. The Most Clueless of All Robert says Erika didn't even care when she was on lockdown. Robert says Erika knows she is going. Just like Justin knew he was going. (Just like Michelle knew she was staying) It's Gonna be a "Michelle" kinda night Jee and Robert harp on Jun telling her not to tell Jack or Erika the vote. They want it to be a "Michelle" night. A total surprise when Erika goes. Jun, Ali and Erika want it to be "Michelle" night when Jee gets hosed again and Jack leaves instead of Erika. Robert says Erika thinks she is staying because all the girls have been so nice to her this week. Jun and Jee and the Super Secret Alliance Jun and Jee still appear to be in cahoots. Jun tells Jee the entire plan of keeping Erika and booting Jack. Jun tells Jee he has to keep his mouth shut to Robert. Jun says if she wins HOH, she would nominate Jee and Robert, with Robert leaving. Jee says if Jack stays and wins HOH, he would nominate Jee and Robert. Jun add "with Robert leaving." Jun says point-blank that Erika is going to stay. Jee says he'll act surprised. Jun tells him that he'd better. She feels Ali will throw HOH. Jun says she'll win HOH. Jee asks her what is she going to tell the other when she leaves the room. Jun says "that we hate each other." Great Quotes Jun "Jee, Every time I see you, I miss Bob more." Where's Justin? Ali says she smells cooking and cigarettes. Robert says he knows that Justin must be "like two houses down from us!" Should I Stay or Should I Go Now Erika and Jack chat in the HT. Erika says she thinks she is going. She asks Jack what he thinks. Jack says he doesn't know. If he had to lean one way, he thinks Erika is going too. Expect the Expected! Jee and Robert confer. Jee asks Robert what he thinks Jun and Ali were talking about? Jee asks what if they have a secret alliance? Robert says "Let's just expect the worst. Erika stays, and we're fucked." Exit, Stage Left Jee tells Robert "all we have to do is fight like a motherfucker to stay in the house." He tells Robert "until you say goodbye to me, you should take the same advice. You should think the exact same way. We didn't come all this way to leave like little bitches." So Vile, It Was Funny Jun asks the girls if Jee and Robert are jacking each other off in the HOH room. Ali says "yeah, they are doing it simultaneously, staring at each other. Right now they are probably both shouting Justin's name." Everybody shrieks with laughter. Even Jack is heard chuckling from the other room.

TUNA NEWS MID-MORNING EXTRA -- AUGUST 25, 2003

Six little Hamsters sleeping on the bed One rolled off and now it's dead. Skippy called Big Brother, and Big Brother said, "I hope it was Robert."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 25, 2003

Here a Chick, There a Chick Here goes. Jee and Robert. And chicks. Jee likes Spanish chicks right now. Duh. Good answer there, skippy. Robert likes Asian chicks. Jee's chicks have to have a good ass. Jee's chicks should have good boobs too. Jee's chicks need to have hips, otherwise they look like boys. The girls in this house? Not good chicks. The girls in this house are non-respecting chicks who flaunt themselves and flirt all the time. Jee the ever kind and respectful gentleman who never speaks badly of others concludes by adding he "could have flirted too and gotten anyone of them the bone if he had wanted." Me thinks chicks got better taste than that. WILMA!! Erika informs Jun that she giggles like Betty Rubble from the Flintstones. From the Land of Too-Late-Now Jee "We have to make sure that Ali will never turn on us." Jack "The Internet people are gonna want their money back. Jun "Yeah, they wanted live people to watch." From the Land of WORD Jack "The Internet people are gonna want their money back. Jun "Yeah, they wanted live people to watch." Jee "There are only so many things to talk about in this house. I'm sick of it." Erika "I'm delirious. It's official." Jun "Dream Team......Bullshit" This isn't news Dana evidently got her GED online, according to Robert. Ali was once (only once?) outsmarted by a five-year old she was babysitting. The kid told her to turn on the lights, she had to clap three times. She did it and the kid busted out laughing. I can't wait to introduce Ali to Tiny Tuna. She doesn't have a prayer. Calling Old Mother Hubbard Erika asks BB "Aren't we boring? Couldn't you just throw us a bone? Like...a steak bone?" Ali and the Dream Team Ali appears to be a full-fledged member of the Dream Team because she knows all the verses to their clubhouse song. Warmup: We Hate Everybody. "I can't be in there with those people." 1st Verse: Nathan Bashing. "Nathan was a total cheeseball. I don't do blondes and I don't do curls. I take guys like that, chew 'em up and spit 'em out. 2nd Verse: Dana Bashing. "Justin never made time for me because of Dana, the skinny bitch." 3rd Verse: Pledge of Alliance. "I promise you two I will not break this alliance. I'm with you guys until the end." Coda: Strong. Strong. Strong. "Nobody is stronger than the three of us in this house." Perhaps the Most Misguided Statement Yet Robert declares that "it's gonna be so cool that we got a girl now (on the Dark Side). All of America is going to be going .... WHEW!" And then Robert was killed by a thousand anvils of Um.....No. Jee's Girl (jee's girl...jee's girl....) Talkin' 'bout...Jee's Girl....(jee's girl!) When Jee gets back he's going to see if his girl "did anything" while he was in the house. If she did, she's "gotta bounce." Jee told his girl to be prepared to see a different Jee in the house, because he would be "flirting like crazy." Evidently it would be ok for Jee to be flirting like crazy, unlike the girls who he doesn't respect because they flirt oh hell, just read the first Morning Roundup above. Couldn't have said it better myself Jun calls Jee a "dumb fuck." She said if he were smart he would have put up Jun and Erika. She says this will be the second time in a row he's gonna get screwed as HOH. Later, Jee backs up the upcoming Karmic slapdown by telling Robert the surprise eviction of Michelle won't happen again. He says he'll leave because he doesn't deserve to play the game if they're surprised again. Jun Nearly Blows It Jee: If you win who are you putting up? Jun: If I win? Robert... Jee: And me. Jun: Probably, but I'd like to put up Robert and Erika and do a tiebreaker. Jee: (Leans in with puzzled look on face) Robert and Erika? Jun: I mean Robert and Jack and do a tiebreaker and get out Robert.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 24, 2003

Weekend Roundup from Other Boards That I Didn't Even Read HONNNNKKbert Robert is vile. Robert looks vile. Robert acts vile. Robert picks at every crevice and orifice of his body. Robert claims he is "nervous" on TV. I claim he is plain old disgusting. Pick pick poke poke scratch scratch flick flick. Gross. We All Scream at the Dream Team Robert and Jee are here to pump *clap* themselves up. They are strong. They are invincible. They are the Dream Team!! Maybe they're Helen Reddy. No team has been greater. No team has been more well loved. All of America loves the team. Teeming throngs of girls will teem the team. Teeming throngs of thongs will teem the team. Girls will sing songs to the team. Girls with lisps will thing thongs to the team. Sing songs, thing thongs, Teeming thongs throng the team. Dreaming songs throng the dream. Others only dream the dream, but this team dreams the dream team dream. Dr. Seuss would be proud, But he's not on the team. JustJack Jack is smooth. Jack is smart. Jack is witty and he never falls apart. Jack is loved. Jack is neat. Jack stands a long time on Jack's two feet. Under the radar Jack does go. Will he ever win a competition? Unfortunately, no. Ali and Jun and Erika Three eggs, scrambled. They tend to roll around on the plate from side to side, and are very cheesy and served with extra ham. Jee Can't you see he's honorable? He never speaks badly about anybody else. Except that goddamn Jun is bitch. And Ali is a two-faced liar. And Erika can't be trusted. But Jee? He is honorable. And good. The girls? He has no respect for the girls. They are bitches. But he never speaks badly about anybody else. Oh, and it's just a game. He had to do it. Or else somebody else would. It's just a game, don't you understand? The girls are bitches. But you didn't hear it from Jee. Except you did. Alot. They didn't say it, but they probably did Jee "Fucking bitches. No fucking respect. I have honor. Not like these fuckingfuckgirls. My girl is my girl. My girl my girl girl girl fucking my girl fuckingwonderful. Robert "HONNNNNNNNNNNkkkkkk. Dream team! Dream team! Dream team! Chicks dig us! Dream team! Dream team! Dream team! Little blue pills all night long. Dream team! Nobody loves us more than us!" Ali "The twist is they are going to give me a car. NO. The twist is they are going to kick me out. NO. The twist is Dana is going to come back and murder me. NO. The twist is I deserve letters from home and food and attention twenty-four hours a day. NO. The twist is Julie Chen will realize I'm most photogenic and will declare me the winner. NO. The twist is.... Jun " w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r w h i s p e r " Jack "I understand how everybody thinks and works in this house. If I could only win a competition, I'd have a chance." Erika "Jack... *sniff* ... Dave ... *sniff* ... Turtles *sniff* ... My poor pink hat .... *SOB*****

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 22, 2003

Oh the Drama of HOH Poor Jee. Jee feels guilty. Jee feels he was the target. Jee thought for sure Jack or Erika would take the deal. Jee was also visibly upset with Jun for being confrontational with him in front of Ali. Jee grabs a ladder and climbs on his very high horse and says "in the beginning I came in here with a target on my back, and now they want me to feel sorry for them??" Jun tells Jee taking the deal was a good decision for the current week, because it gives him total power and control. Jun says it was a bad decision for the following week, because now he is a target. The.Twist Robert said he didn't want everybody pissed at him. Jun said she didn't want to see people suffer for a week, and if she had to leave (be evicted) it would be ok. Ali said no. Then she asked "Did you see Robert on peanut butter and jelly??" Erika said she "feels like Marcellus." You're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Donny! Ali says she is missing her boyfriend. Jee says he's a nice looking dude...he has nice calves. What?? A New Crown for Ali Ali tells Robert she's already known as "America's Bitch." Robert says no, you're known as "America's favorite Bitch." The Votes Ali and Jun discuss who they are voting for. It appears that they are going to vote out Jack and keep Erika. The feeling is they fear the three boys will gang up on the two girls if Erika leaves. Jun tells Ali they joined forces at the right time. They feel Erika is weak in competitions, and they can "take her out" at the end. Jun rags on the boys for calling themselves "The Dream Team." Ali calls Robert a "little rich boy" and says all he wants in the big money...he won't accept second place. They said it Jee "I declined a month (on PB&J) and two weeks...I have a fucking heart!" Jun "America thinks I'm a bitch, but not enough of a bitch to put everyone on PB&J." Ali "Jee was so meek and mild in the beginning, and now just look at the fucker...tearing through the house." Post-Nomination Jun wanders around calling Jee and his nomination "predictable." Jun mimics Jee's speech "I just want you to know this is not for revenge." Jun calls it a "crock of shit." An Arm-Twisting Twist Ali was told in the DR during the "twist" that the "whole house wanted her out" so she should go ahead and put them on PB&J. The female DR voice told her to try a taste (of PB). Said it would only be for a week. Erika says she had to pick it up (jar, maybe?) and said "it was heavy." Be the Ball Erika and Jack rehash their so-close but so-far alliance. They say they got pretty far, and made good decisions. They say it would have been better if they were in secret, but they slept in the same bedroom, so that was hard. Jack beats himself up some more about the HOH competition. He says he was "inside the ball" in the practice round, but when it came time, he didn't do it, and Jee did. Erika tells Jack that if he stays he has to go after Jee. They agree that Jee is unbeatable. Pots, Kettles and Revisionist Anvils Hang on tight here. Robert says Jun is going to look like an asshole when she gets out of the house because of the way she badmouths people all the time. Ali says she never talks badly about anyone. Jee begins a litany of bad things Ali has said about people. Ali, the next BB Voice? Ali mocks the BB stern wake-up call voice. Ali does the "I SAID...IT'S TIME TO GET UP FOR THE DAY!" Then she says the next time she hears it she is going to say "I SAID...SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Interesting There was a FOH (never newsworthy, I know) because Ali was trying to pry DR information out of Jun. She wanted to know Jun's answer to "What outfit of Ali's do you hate the most?" Erika says not to talk about DR information, and that's what the "BrownNoser" comments were about afterwards. Big Bold Jee Continuing his self-assertions, Jee proclaims loudly to Robert that it was the "boldest move he's ever made," and that it will "make or break him." HOOONkbert says he played better than anyone's ever played, and Jee's girl is proud of him. Planting Seeds Jun and Ali make a plan to talk to Jee after the Veto meeting. They are going to tell Jee that Jack said he had a change of plan and he would vote out Jee next, and not Robert. They feel this way Jee will be more comfortable about voting out Jack. Why am I not surprised? Ali tells Robert in High School she only had one friend who was a girl. In college, only girls were on the dance team. She says she hates all girls, and the only phone number she has in her address book are for football players, wrestlers, etc. Dream Team? Maybe Nightmare Team Oh boy. Robert and Jee go at it, bashing Jun primarily. They talk about how Jun called them "cheeseballs" for calling themselves "The Dream Team." Robert says "Do you know why Jun is mad? Because of this thing with the Dream Team. We will have more publicity than she'll ever get. People love us more. They think she's a piece of shit." Robert says it's Karma coming back to get Jun. He says Jun wanted to be the first Korean this and that, but Jee is going to fucking win everything. Jee is the most popular guy. Jee has been humble and honest (if he were humble and loveable, then he'd be Underdog. OoooAhhhOoooAhhh....) Jun is a "snake bitch." Jee, The Kind, Upstanding Human Being Jee rants to Robert about Jun (with thanks to Debra Kadabra from Jokers): "She thinks she is the ultimate bitch. People are going to know. You are a bitch. You're nothing else but a bitch, a selfish bitch that's coming out of this game. And I don't like to talk bad about people but, you know."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 21, 2003

Jee and his Goodies Jee gets his HOH basket of goodies from BB. Included is a CD of love songs and some sort of gift from his girlfriend. Jee says he knows now she is "still with him." Ali, meanwhile, cries and moans over her HOH loss. She says she wanted to get stuff from home, but even if she did, there wouldn't be anything there from Donnie. Do The Twist The twist has totally freaked out Ali. First she thinks it means somebody will win a car. Then she is convinced the twist means she'll be nominated and sent home. Hey...can there be an America's Choice for that? Ali says "the twist works" and then boards the Karma express to sequesterville by mocking the Chenbot's "Expect the Unexpected." That's the Plan, Stan Robert, Jee and Ali talk outside. Robert tells Ali the plan is to vote out Erika, but not tell her. They are to act as if they are going to vote out Jack. Robert wants it to be a big surprise on eviction night. The Stooges desperately want to be as cool as the O8 when they voted out Michelle, but it's just not gonna happen. Robert has a Good Idea (See: Third Sign of the Apocalypse) Robert tells Jee that they will tell Ali that they won't make any new alliances. Robert says they will tell Ali that Justin told them before he left, that he (Justin) wanted Robert and Jee to take Ali to the finals with them. Robert says they will keep mentioning Justin a lot and Ali will believe them. First Course--Turtle Soup The turtles have had enough of these morons and they are leaving. BB is going to close Egypt. The World According to Jun Jun tells Jack and Erika that when they go to talk to Jee, they should be "brutally honest." She says Jee is disappointed in Robert because he has to "carry him." She also says the Jee is "fed up with Ali." Jack asks if Jee might nominate Ali. Jun says maybe. Jun says she doesn't want Ali to make the finals because she (Ali) has "set the women's movement back 40 years." A large anvil with the words "I am going to cook my way to the finals." drops on Jun. THUNK. Does Membership Come with a Decoder Ring? Ali speaks to Jee. She is worried she will be put up if Veto is used, and then she will be evicted. Jee says she is safe if she promises she will keep Jee safe next week. Ali says yes. Jee says if Veto is used, he'll put up Jun. Ali repeats and repeats that she is not on "their" side anymore and he has to believe her. She asks "should let them know that I have officially joined you?" Jee says no, because then she'd be a target. Mutual Admiration Society Jee speaks with Erika and later with Jack. They are nice to each other, congratulatory. Respect their game playing blah blah blah but they are on two different teams blah blah blah Justin's eviction cannot be in vain blah blah blah take the higher road blah blah blah wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald blah blah oh wait. Scrap that one. Anyway, they are both told it will be a Jerika nomination, but Jee will not commit to who he would put up in case Veto is used. Says a lot depends on the "twist". Jun Zings! Jun Scores Jun talks to Jee. Jun makes some mumbly suggestion and Jee says "Robert would never go for that." Jun asks why would he have to know? Jun goes for the jugular and says it isn't Jee's game anymore. Jee says but it IS his team. Jun asks Jee "what does Robert want you to do?" Jee says it's not what Robert wants. Later, Jee recounts all convos to Robert. Robert is thrilled. He tells Jee "you did everything I thought you should do." Useless Recapped Facts Ali took off her bra because "it was killing her." Jun ate one piece of chicken, but a "bunch of rice." Robert says one of their dishes was supposed to come with vinegar, but it didn't. Justin took half the condoms when he left. Ick. More weight loss tips Jack says his cheeks are sunken and he's weak. He tells Erika he can't believe he's lost all this weight because he eats a lot in the house. Erika says it's the stress. She says it raises metabolism and then burns muscle. Make her Sweat Robert and Jee admire themselves after working out. Jee prepares for the individual groveling sessions in the HOH room. Robert says he wants to see Jun sweat, and he wants to threaten her with a nomination if somebody uses Veto. Robert says "that's what she gets for fucking with the Dream Team." How Big Is Yours? Jack and Erika discuss the length of their ... key! Jack's key was turned the other way. Jack tells Erika the twist will be the revelation that Jack is a technician, and not a Hamster. Things They Will Never Air on the TV Broadcast Robert asks Jee about his meeting with Erika. Jee says she was very kind. Robert asks if Erika tried to make any deals. Jee says no, not really. She cried a little. Robert says "Good. She's a fucking scumbag. She should cry." Smoke Gets In Your...Ass? Robert does a huge number on Jee. "You are the first guy to win it (HOH) twice. You're money! You're going to be one of the most popular guys! People are rooting for us! The Dream Team! The Dream Team!" Get out that Decoder Ring Again Justin leaves a super secret message under the covers of the bed. Some Uno cards spell out "DT" What could it mean? Robert goes off that it means "Dream Team" and Justin left this cool message. I thought it meant "dumb twits." Even more useless recapped facts Ali saved coupons for Brownies and then gave them to Justin so he could use them when wrestling season was over. Nate had never eaten rice before coming to the BB house.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 20, 2003

It's Not Your Father's Oldsmobile The Stooges begin their pre-eviction day pumping up of their sad, tired selves. The usual cliches are trotted out for airing: Anything could happen...It's our chance...fucketyfuckety fuck fuck fuck (thanks Jee). Justin says he can't wait for tomorrow's competition. He says he'll be watching close. Um, from where? Does Justin think there is gonna be a TV in the back seat of the 1986 Yugo that is going to drive him to Sequesterville for his unholy reunion with Dana on CBS Studio Lot Number 666? Yeah, he probably does. Tool. Taking Out the Head Jack, Erika and Jun talk of the impending eviction. Jun reports that Robert "jammed all his stuff in there" (suitcase) because he knows he isn't going anywhere. Jack thinks Robert is going to choke tomorrow night at the HOH competition. I hope he's right but this seems to be a case of "it takes one to know one," Jacko. Jun says with Justin being evicted we are "taking out the head, but the right hand and left hand will still be here." Funny, I thought we were left with two dicks. Dude Jee and Justin have a conversation of no interest whatsoever, except that they start every sentence with "Dude." We have to give Jee some credit here. It is one step up from starting every sentence with "fuck". Unholy Alliance Robert and Erika are outside practicing Bocce Ball. Robert confirms with Erika that their discussions are private. Erika says yes. Robert says that things get around, and he wants to make sure she isn't going to talk about any of their conversations. Robert tells her to keep rolling the Bocce balls so nobody will think they are discussing strategy. Ask Sherman Williams In an effort to reduce their overstock of body paints left over from Survivor, BB passes them out to the hamsters. Somebody (including the Tuna) asks why, and Erika says "for fun." So, much body painting commences, with the girls decorating Ali. This is the crap we don't recap Ali hasn't gone to the bathroom all day. Erika and Jun haven't gone to the bathroom all day. In other news, Robert exits the HT and Ali yelled that she saw his "winkie." Yep, you heard it here, folks. Return to your lives, citizens. Food, Glorious Food At midnight the 24 hour PB&J day ends. The hamsters are ravenous and the thought of food pumps up the moronic level ten-fold. Jee says pretty soon they will eat and then tomorrow they'll kick ass. Ali says she is "such a meat eater for a girl." GreenTuna drops a punchline anvil on Ali's reddish blondish brownish hair. Final Thoughts Jee "Those were some big ass burgers, eh Jack?" WC Summit Jee and Justin talk about Justin's upcoming eviction. Jee asks him what the Chenbot will ask him in his interview. Justin says he doesn't know. Justin wonders how long it will be before he "gets to sequestering." Just across the studio lot, there buddy. Jee says "they put you in a car, and then you're gone." Jee's been watching too much "for love or money." Jee thinks Ali and Jun annoy, and that they'll both throw the HOH competition tomorrow. The Super Secret Plan Jack, Erika and Jun decide to plan seeds of paranoia in Ali's less than fertile brain. They are going to start a rumbling campaign saying the Stooges are going to vote her out next week. The logic being Ali will become paranoid and stay with Jack, Erika and Jun. Strategerie [tm W], Bocce Style Jun and Jee outside practicing Bocce Ball. Jee says he or Robert needs to win HOH, but he is pissed that Robert isn't practicing very much. Jun tells Jee "Robert is going to ride in your back pocket and make you do all the work." Jee calls Robert a "stupid shit." Jee tells Jun he knows she isn't going to go for HOH, but if she wins accidentally, what will she do? Jun says put up Jee and Robert, but if somebody uses Veto, put up Ali. Jee isn't too thrilled with this plan. Honey, This Is No Way To Win Miss Congeniality Let the Nate bashing begin! Ali tells Justin to tell Nate "hi" in sequesterville. Robert and Justin tell Ali all the bad things Nate said about her right before he left -- he regrets ever meeting her, if he saw her ever again it would be too soon. At first Ali laughs it off, and then goes for Nate's sequestered jugular. She says she is going to send him (via Justin) a period soaked tampon with the word "fag" written in blood. Recappers Nightmare I love this sentence. Many props to SonofAbraxas over on Jokers Updates: "Erika tells Jack that Jun told Erika that Jee told Ali she was safe." Will Do Reality TV For Food Justin hopes that he is perceived by America as somebody they would like to hire. hee. He doesn't continue to say 'hire for what' so double hee. I have a list. Justin says he knows how America feels about Ali, based on the questions the Chenbot asks her during the live show. Skippy Messin' With the Hamsters Skippy might be my boyfriend again. BB announces that tomorrow will be the live show from hell and then they played a bunch of scary music. The Hamsters all crack up. BB plays more scary music which riles up the hamsters more, even though they are supposed to be going to sleep. Jun says she is scared. Jee reminds her of Korean ghosts. Jun yells "fuck you. Korean ghosts are the worst." Sounds like an afternoon Google investigation for me. Sage Advice BB continues to harp on Jun and her weight gain/weight loss. BB asks Jun if she has any advice for fat Americans. She says "Yeah. Stop eating."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 19, 2003

An HoH Competition worth Studying For Ali, Erika and Jun talk about HOH competitions. Jun says the questions they ask have been lame, and she thinks they should have a "body parts" competition. Jun thinks they should have to match the penis to the Hamster. From Your Mouth to.... Jun is ready for the Hot Tub. She asks Robert if the water is ready. He says it is, and she says she wants to get in and drown. Somebody Help Her? Somebody Help Us! Yes, Jun bared all last night when she was boxing with Jee. Jee, ever the gentleman, turned his back when Jun's towel fell, and yelled "Somebody help her! Somebody help her!" Jun, the hamster who doth protest too much, starts yelling "that wasn't an internet camera. The internet didn't see that." Jun? CLICK! What About ME? Ali, never to be outdone by any other female getting more attention than she is, says later that she dropped her towel, and now "her beaver is going all over the internet." Yes, Ali, please check those pages marked "things we couldn't care less about" (sorry grammarians everywhere ..."things about which we couldn't care less.") The Six Degrees of Mike Booger Of course. It had to be. We all knew it, didn't we? Robert the slimeball knows Mike Boogie. Explains a lot, doesn't it? I would pay money to see Robert show up at the wrap party in baby blue basketball shorts. Ask Your Pharmacist...He Knows Yep. Back to sex talk. The boys are ready for it the instant they get out of the house. Robert promises little blue pills for everyone! He asks Justin if he has ever used one, and Justin says yeah, especially after a night of drinking. Robert says with the blue pills, you won't get whiskey dick. Smoke Gets In Your Butt Ali continues to play both sides. She speaks to Jee about joining "their" alliance. She asks Jee what Robert would do if he got HOH? Jee says he'd put up Jack and Erika to break up their alliance. Ali agrees that she would do the same and then vote to evict "fucking Jack." She asks Jee if Rob will trust her in their alliance. Jee says he thinks so. Jee-Gor turns around and reports all to his master. "Master....Ali asked if she was still in the alliance." Robert says "If she wants to join our alliance, I won't say yes or no. I'll just blow smoke up her butt." Worst-Worst-Worst Case Scenario Justin wonders how far his puppet strings will stretch once he's gone. He discusses various scenarios with the other two Stooges. With Ali and Jun floating from side to side, there is smart conversation from Justin about joining with Jack and Erika to eliminate the floaters. The Stooges feel more threatened by Jack, because they know they couldn't win against him at the end. They also talk about Ali and Jun, whom they feel have splintered into their own alliance. They agree that the worst case scenario is Ali and Jun in the finals. Who would they vote for? They say they would give it to Ali. Parting Shots Robert "If it wasn't for me eating the fucking eyeballs, we wouldn't have had the party today." Nightmare on Robert's Street After BB, Justin is going to come out and live with Robert! Jee and Carmen will visit Robert in the winter. Robert tells them they'll have to sleep on the couch, but don't worry...he's got big couches. Jee will fix them up with a room on Times Square. Learn Your Lessons Well Following the regrettable boxing match with Jun and her too small towel, Ali asks her if she learned her lesson. Jun "Yeah. Don't box after 9:30." Ali "No. Don't box NAKED." Tuna "Amen, Sister." Jun and Jee and the Chamber of Secrets ...otherwise known as the BR. They still appear to be tight, and talk strategy. Jee asks Jun who should go next week, and Jun says "Jack." Jee asks Jun if she would put Jack and Erika up next week and Jun says hell no, she'd put up Robert and Ali. She asks Jee who he'd put up and he says he'd have to go for the obvious...Jack and Erika. Jun asks if she should throw HOH. Jee says no, they all have to go for that shit now. Jun reminds Jee that he would have to cut his ties with Robert and vote him out next week. Jee says he knows. Even Skippy is Against Them Jack and Erika whisper in the kitchen and they realize they can hear the stooges outside. The cameras move, and Erika tells the cameras to stop moving so she can hear them talk. The cameras start moving around again. More Sage Wisdom From Robert Here we go! Robert and Justin tease Jee about his girlfriend, and Jee tells them she probably makes more money than they do. Robert says you can't let that happen. The woman should *never* make more money than the man. They say Carmen will drive the Mercedes, and Jee will drive the Toyota and stay home and watch the kids, because Carmen will be the one supporting the family. Justin asks Robert if he would rather do something he loves for less money, or something he hates for more money. Robert says the guys have to go for the money. BB Rules Jack and Erika discuss some BB rules. Jack wonders why they were not allowed to have watches when there was a clock in the house. Erika wonders why females were not allowed to have lip liner. She says if somebody abuses the lip liner (yeah, I know) by writing messages (oh!) they should be evicted. Jack and Erika. Too cute Erika spends time in BFE to talk to Jack. Finally she says she is going to go. Jack tells her to be careful going home. Erika asks if she should call when she gets there. Jack says "yeah, call me when you get home. I want to make sure you're all right." Meeting of the Minds The Stooges have a late night chat session. Big props here to "Bert" from Jokers. Seems he took down a lot of this conversation from our three resident Einsteins. Topic 1 "Man's Code" ("Don't rat out another man who is cheating") Justin "It's like a rule" Jee "It's a rule and I understand it. So don't worry." Justin "So it's cool even if it's your sister?" Jee "If it's my sister, you get fucking kicked in the nuts." Rob "Why?" Jee "It's a different story. That's my sister....families are never involved." Justin "That's bullshit[/b] Robert "To me, the code applies." Justin "The code...The code...You can't make up your own rules." Robert "If I caught my sister's boyfriend cheating on her, I would say 'just make sure she doesn't find out.' I would never tell her." Jee "You stupid shit. Shut the fuck up." Topic 2 "The Internet" Jee (To Justin) "Fucking retard....Not after what the fucking internet people heard about you. Commitment issues." Justin "Anybody who's sitting there watching us on the Internet isn't worth anything." Jee "Oooo damn, that's gonna hurt your ratings." Justin "Yeah, my website sucks. I mean, right now, at this hour. And...And I love all my viewers." Jee "You fucking try to make things better now. This is crazy man, some of us have followers and shit, you know, we have a following." Topic 3 "Messages in the Sky" Justin "What about the people doing the skywriting?" Jee "Yeah, come on, there are some groupies out there." Justin "That own airplanes and shit." Jee "That's crazy, bro." Robert "I bet we'll see one in the next two weeks." Jee "Yeah, Justin will send one." Why? Because We Like You Jee goes on ad nauseum for the billionth time about his "girl". She's great, she's awesome. Jee doesn't cuddle with her...she comes to him because "he sleeps the way he sleeps." He tells the stooges she comes to him and he snores his fucking head off. He says "she handles it...she takes it." Jee says he asks her why she doesn't wake him up, and she says it's ok, she just wants him to sleep. Jee concludes by saying "when a girl tells you something like that, that shit is hot, no? Truer Words Were Never Spoken Erika "These are kids we're dealing with, Jack. Just think, when we were 21, 22, we didn't know our ass from our elbow either.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 14, 2003

I Know Why The Caged Hamster Pees Robert "If I have to, I'll just whip it out and pee." Jun "Jee, give me your shirt so I can pee in it." Jun "You think I'm kidding, you motherfuckers. I'm gonna go pee." Jun "I'm getting fucking performance anxiety." Jun "I'm going to pee in every cage." Erika "What's a little urine between friends?" Jun "The iron, it's rusting where I peed." Erika "You have some toxic pee there, Jun." Ali "I would rather have my bladder explode than pee in a cage." Ali "Please sing while I pee." Ali "Sorry guys, it stinks." Ali "Guys...it's just pee!" Jun "There is alot of pee down there." Jack "My boys used to pee on me all the time." Things that sound sexy...but they're not Ali “My butt is hot” Jun “Jee, we’re locked in a cage together. I could hump your leg.” Jee “My girl can flex her boobs.” Jun “Could we have a twist please? Could we have Naked Cage?” Jack “You’re a good man, Jee.” Erika “That last cage almost had us making out.” Jack “We could have done 12 hours.” Jack “I saw those bars and thought ‘geez, it’s just perfect for you.’” Twisted Logic Justin “It doesn’t look good. Erika is in there dancing around. Robert “That doesn’t mean shit. Jee is strong.” Jun “Anyone who has already had the HOH should leave.” Ali “I can’t believe I’ve been in a cage for five hours. My parents will have been so proud of me.” Jee “It’s hard for me as a man to even consider leaving.” Justin “Nate should be happy we even considered keeping him.” Robert “We have to face it that it is over.” Robert “This is so horrible. This is fucking horrible.” Justin “You should eat some ice cream”

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 13, 2003

Heapin' Helpin' of Rehash As reported by the wittier and much cuter recaps at Hamster Time, the HGs fondly remembered our former migraine er....hamster, Dana. They discuss what she and Justin did or did not do. Ali says Dana "played with his sweaty balls" because Justin never shows. Jun vows never to do Justin's nails again. In reference to Justin's Mini-me, Ali says "he acts like it hangs down by his knees. In his fucking dreams." Doctor Tested Jun tells Ali and Ericka that Dana told her that a doctor said she had "masculine attributes". Jun wonders how anyone can be happy being told she has male attributes. She concludes by saying Dana was woman enough for Justin. Ali counters by saying a hole in a wall is woman enough for Justin. Sixth Sense Ali tells Erika that she knows of five instances when her boyfriend cheated on her. Erika wonders why she puts up with it. Erika tells her she doesn't have to, and that it's dangerous. Ali says she knows, but when they spend time together, it's fun. Oy. Because Girls are Icky Jun and Ali tell Jee he needs to come do their ab class. They want him to lead the class. Jee knows that girls have cooties. He says he doesn't want to do stuff with the girls. He can do it on his own. Ali leads the ab class (evidently Jee did the workout). Jee complains it didn't hurt like this last night. Ali tells him "that's because you were doing it wrong last night." Ali tells everyone to count while they breathe. Nate walks by and starts counting ala he's seven years old and girls are icky: "5, 6, 27, 3, 15, 9...." Girls are icky except when we want them to do something The ick-factor of the girls does not seem to extend to them "servicing" the boys. By that I mean, it's beauty time! Jun does Robert's nails. Ali does Justin's nails *and* gives him a facial. Nate also gets a facial. Daily Dose of Idiot Robert Robert tells his fellow Stooges that Jack should come into the HoH room, and if he wants to stay, he should get on his knees and kiss Justin's feet. Touch-Ups Justin shows Jun his nails. Justin says "Ali fucked up my nails. Look at them!" They agree they look pretty bad. Justin asks Jun if she will redo them and not tell Ali. Jee also gets a Junicure. We are family (sing along!) Ali, Erika and Jack in the LR. Ali says they are like a family. Jack is the Dad, Erika is the mom, and Ali is the baby. I suppose that means that the rest of the idiots are the kids down the street that your mom never wants you to play with but somehow they are always hanging around your garage looking for something to set on fire. They Aren't Rocket Scientists, That's For Sure Erika and Jack bemoan the idiots they are forced to live with. Jack says "it's so stupid." Erika says "it's not even an intellectual game anymore (it was before??). I can't work with this Jack. I can't work under these conditions." They agree that the cocky attitude of the Stooges is even starting to bother Jee. ...And eat lots of Pie! Jun and Jee confer while Jun does his nails. They talk about how they don't like the attitude of the other two stooges. Jee says when he was HoH, he was "humble." That is an interesting word to use. Jee asks Jun what her strategy was coming into the house. Jun says "stay in the kitchen." Jee asks "really?" Jun says yes. It is centrally located, and people come to you when they need to talk. They debate whether they need and Jack and Erika, or if they can do it on their own. Quotables Robert "Erika is still here and she is the weakest of the 8. She will be another Lisa. A bartending bitch." I love you...You love me... Jee and Justin blow some mutual smoke "You are a great guy. Rob is a great guy." "I know you are a great guy. Rob is a great guy." "Awesome. We are really good friends." Jee: "On that happy note, we should get some sleep."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 12, 2003

Now That's What I Call Motivation Nate shows Ali and Jee weightlifting techniques while eating a bowl of ice cream. Ali asks Jun how much weight she has lost. Jun says not much. Jun says “I think I gained weight the first two weeks, so now I might be losing some of that weight.” Two problems here. She thinks? Thinks, as in there may be some doubt? Secondly, the first two weeks? Was she in a coma the rest of July? Newsflash If Ali doesn’t blow dry her wet hair, it will be all curly the next day. Life Lessons Nate tap dances as fast as he can not to get evicted. He pulls the “Jack doesn’t need the money, and I’m broke up to my knees” card. He pulls the “Girls are icky and always win BB” card. He pulls the “Ali played me” card. He goes on to say that he was humiliated and the whole world saw it. Nate doubletalks and says the only reason he saved Ali was she was all he had. He says he always falls for that kind of girl, and it “gets him in trouble with the dudes.” (Not the DUDES!) Jee nods wisely and says this game is a life lesson. I guess I haven't learned it yet, because I'm still watching you morons. How Do I Hate You? Let me Count the Ways In case you haven't heard. Girls are bad. Girls are evil. Nate "We would be better off without them." Nate "It happens every year. They squeak by and never win a competition." Nate "She played me and it sucks." Robert "Everyday these girls are just a mess." Nate "A weasley person makes it to the end every time." Robert "I know what a problem girls are." Nate "Girls are drama queens." Robert "There is not any girl here right now who is worth being in the game." So That's What You Call it Nate "I don't want to campaign. I just want a second chance. Anatomy 101 Nate asks Robert if they trust Jun. Robert says not really. He tells Nate they have Jun by the balls. Later Robert declares that Jack is "scared up his ass." How does that work? Oh Dana, Where Art Thou? The Hamsters lovingly remember Dana. Ali tells them the "Mantroll" story. She has bulging eyes. She ate her PB&J like it was raw hide. She ate with her mouth open and smacking. You can Quote me Jack "I told Justin he should get a tetanus shot because Robert clawed him." Erika "It just dawned on me that I should eat." Ali "I can think whatever I want to think. Do whatever I want to do. Say whatever I want to say." Nate That doesn't surprise me, coming from you. Erika "I'm no prude (in regards to Dana and swearing), but is it necessary to drop the F-bombs everywhere?" Robert "None of us has ever said a bad thing." Jun "Goodnight everybody, the show's over."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 11, 2003

But last year they were interesting Erika and Ali talk about being bored. They complain that last year they had fun stuff to do, and the BB3 HG got a concert with Sheryl Crow. This year? They had to get naked for laundry. Shut Up Ali "I want to know what is happening in the outside world." Nate "Shut up." Ali "You said last week you wanted to know what it would be like to be sequestered with Dana." Nate "Shut up." Erika "Nate, there is not much about you that is not adorable, except the fact that you are a republican." GreenTuna "Heeee!" Amazing, but True Facts Justin was able to hold his breath underwater for 3 minutes. Later it was discovered they could breathe with the aid of the air jets in the bottom of the tub. Jack worked the Patty Hearst case. Iron Chefs Jun has now started to teach Jee to cook. Ali thinks they are using this time to talk strategerie (tm W) Editorial Note Wow. This was one big bunch of boring hamsters. I usually only read through the last batch of posts (9pm or so until bed). I had to go back until 3pm, and I still came up with basically nothing. Let's hope Part 2 brings us better luck. Again with the Reverse Psychology Jun and Erika discuss the possibility of an Ali-Justin alliance. Jun think Justin shares a lot of information, so maybe he is trying to make this alliance look obvious, when he's really using (drumroll, please) Reverse Psychology(!!) to fool them. Jun wisely concludes "I doubt the kid's that deep, though." Smells Like Teen Mantroll Nate walks out and asks "what's that smell?" Someone answers that someone (not at the house...must be nearby) is grilling. Someone else says "Must be that other BB House." Someone says "Yeah, Dana is next-door grilling." Great laughter and hilarity ensue as Karma sits down for a bite. The I-Told-You-So Doublemint Twins Jack and Erika discuss various plans gone awry because somebody didn't listen to them, and then I-told-you-so now they are in trouble (Nate? We're talking about you here). Erika says she tried to warn Nate when he was going to spare Ali. But Nate? Didn't listen. Now look at the mess he's in. Clouds and Silver Linings Robert sits in the hot tub, looking very sleepy. Jack comments that one day he's going to get in there, fall asleep and drown. Ali sums it up neatly: "On less person to get rid of." How Rude! How True! Ali and Jun exercise. Nate tells them they work their abs, but then they turn around and they don't eat correctly. Erika chimes in, saying if you don't eat correctly, it doesn't matter what exercises you do. Ali and Jun then put on their full "How Rude!" bitch. Ali says "Glad to see he watches me all day to see what I eat." Jun says "How does he know what we eat?" I wonder, how could he not know? JustJack Jack tells a great story about getting his Senior Citizen's Drivers License. He says they hand you a flyswatter, and you stand in line with everybody else. When it's your turn, they put you in a room filled with flies. You have one minute to kill as many as you can. If you don't kill enough, you don't get your license. They do this because you need to have good reflexes to drive. Erika cracks up. Several minutes later, Ali finally figures out he was joking. They said it here Nate "I don't know shit for nothing."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 9, 2003

It's Hella-Stupid In an alternate universe, Nate and Ali talk. Nate says Ali owes him a car. Nate says he will make money doing soaps. Ali tells Nate not to touch her. Nate asks her why she is always hugging him if she doesn't want to be touched. Ali says they "have to hug the ugly kid." Nate says Jun doesn't like him because she wanted to hook up with him on the first night and he wouldn't. Jack and Jun Jun reports to Jack that Nate was trying to make a deal so he could stay this week. Jack reported this convo to Erika, and told her they would discuss it later when they were alone. It's still Hella-Stupid Ali tells Erika the BB4 hamsters are similar to the BB3 hamsters. Please see previous post concerning whomping yourself silly with a 2x4 first and falling into a coma. Ali says Nate is a mixture of Roddy and Jason. Robert is like Marcellus. Jun is like Dani. Ali tells Erika she is a mixture of Tonya and Lisa. Ali guesses she is a mixture of Amy and Chiara. And then it was all made clear Ali says Cosmo is her bible. No wonder she wanted Nate to just tell her the "good parts" about Revelation. Who needs to hear about death, destruction and the apocalypse when there is a sex quiz on page 96? Keep Trying, Nate Nate tells Jack that he is worn out from the house. Nate thinks there should be a twist now so he can stay. Nate thinks America would like that a lot. Seems to me I heard Dana say the same thing last week. Must be in "An Eviction Nominee's Book of Quotes." Nate whines "I'm ready to meet a girl, Jack." Nate? You are going to have 7 fun-filled days with Dana next week. You can get it ON! But you might want to wash first. Nate returns to his alternate universe and starts talking up virgins again. Jack says "there aren't that many virgins". Nate admits it is kind of crazy to have such high standards for women: athletic, sophisticated, virginal..... Jack says it's ok to have standards. Because I like Jack, I am going to pretend he just didn't finish his sentence "it's ok to have standards...but boy, are you on crack?" Tonight's Specialty--POV Rehash Here we go again. POV wasn't fair. Everybody ganged up on Nate. Jack says he detected sympathy for Nathan in the DR. Robert. What a Nice Young Man Robert gets very busy harping on Jee to propose to his GF on the air. Jee clearly does not want to do that. Robert and the DS keep pushing him. Robert tells him he has nothing to lose. Justin tells him it is a win/win situation, and he'd be pimping whether it works out or not. Jee worries she is too young. Jun tells him he doesn't have to get married for three years or so. Because Jee has the spine composed of PlayDoh, he says he is really thinking about it now. Later, Robert sinks to new depths. He tells Jee and Justin he has been "doing" a girl for 9 years. He says it used to be once every six months, but now it's once a month. Rob and Justin both tell Jee that Jun is still attracted to Jee. Justin offers some lovely fatherly advice and tells him if he is going to run around, then it better be with someone who is worth all the crap that will happen. I lied. Robert grabs a backhoe and digs down several more miles. Among his gems: "I will not marry a broke bitch. If I do it again, she has to have money." And later, "What keeps a woman is sex and money. Love has nothing to do with it. You want a woman, you have to pay for it. They just want money." Right about now, Robert is making Scott look like a real gentleman. The Stooges. Model Citizens And now the girl bashing begins in force. All girls left in the house? Skanky. Robert says when he goes into the DR he says "which one of these pigs do you want to ask me about?" Later, Jee talks to Robert. Robert tells Jee he is the smarted person he knows. Jee tells Robert he loves to hear him talk because he gets so pumped up. He knows Robert talks out of experience. Parting Shots Erika "You know Jack, all is not lost. You make a good strawberry."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 8, 2003

Scraping the Bottom of the Recapping Barrel Robert drinks something out of a red can. Jee has a green can. Jun is eating something. They are talking. Nate wants to take his ball and go home Nate says he has changed his strategy and he isn't going to practice for Veto competitions anymore. He never feels competent that he will win any competitions. He says the DR is trying to pump him up and get him excited. Peel Me a Watermelon The Stooges practice Quoridor in the LR for tomorrow's POV competition. Jun feeds them watermelon and honeydew while they practiced. Bible Study Night Nate is reading his Bible again. Ali plops down with the elephant and asks him what part he's reading. He says Revelations. He asks her if she knows anything about Revelations. Ali says "tell me the good parts." Swing Your Partner Round and Round The DS plus Ali tease each other about boyfriends, girlfriends and flirting. Ali tells Jee he only tried to makeout with her twice when he was drunk. Jee says no way, even when he's drunk, he's a fucking gentlemen. Jun says Jee is a sleezeball. She says you can see it in his eyes. Justin says Ali is on the market. Ali denies this. Robert asks "don't you want a boyfriend in the house?" Justin says Amanda is fucking hot. Jee reminds Justin Dana hated it when he said that. Justin says Dana was jealous. He says "I have commitment issues, Jee. So do you." Jee claims he used to, but not now. Was this on the questionnaire? Ali asks Jun if she has ever slept with a boy inside her. Jun says no, its gets soft and falls out. Nate is generally horrified by the conversation. Jun asks Nate what size he prefers. Does he like a handful? Nate says he isn't a boob guy, but the girl needs to be at least a C-cup. Parting Shots Jee "We're not looking too bad right now." (If you close your eyes and run head first into a brick wall) Nate "What are you thinking about?" Ali "About you chewing that gum like a cow." Erika "Our strategy is never win any competitions and always get put up on the block. That's how we'll win. Nobody will ever suspect us. Newflash from the TMI Department Ali goes on and on ad nauseam about Justin. She tells Jee that she knew all the girls Justin had sex with before her. Jee asks if Justin was wild in bed. Ali said nope, kinda boring. She is the wild and kinky one. She said she was at a party at Justin's house and saw a piece of paper that said "World's Dirtiest Dude." She said there were two names, and the third was Justins. She said she thought to herself "I'm about to have sex with the worlds 3rd dirtiest dude." Oohhhhh, Ahhhhhhh Jun continues her mind-numbingly unfunny Herbal Essences impersonation while she exercises. The world is saved as BB calls her to the DR. To yell at her for being stupid. If only. FOH Interruptus Ali tells Erika that Jun is sitting pretty right now and she (Ali) is going to "sink her teeth into her." Ali changes the subject and tells Erika that one of the BB producers is "hot". Erika says "today I was in the DR and some guy...." FOH. damn Justin is called to the DR. Skippy is stuffing he face with Krispy Kremes for the 90th time today, so the camera stays with Justin for quite awhile. Justin says "Horrible timing dude, horrible." DR voice says "I'm sorry man. It was either down to you or..." FOH. damn

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 7, 2003

Jee-Whiz Jee is called to the DR. He says he has to run to the WC first. Other Hamsters start yelling at him, telling him what to say. Jack says "say nice things about me, Jee." Ali says "tell them I am not a flirt." Jee says "I am always so boring in there because I am so damn respectful. That's why they never call me, or they call me last." Jee? I don't buy the self-depreciating strategy. Dana's Gone. Ali takes Over What is it with these girls?? There is so much communal smoke-blowing happening, it's amazing that Ali and the Stooges aren't levitating around the room. Ali starts pushing the Stooges hard to evict Jack. She tells them that Jack holds that group together (keep in mind "that" group is or was "her" group). She says "it freaks me out that I am calling the games and that I know what they are." She tells Justin that the HoH competition was tailor-made for Justin, and she knows they (BB) want him to stay. Jun's Fantabulous Wardrobe! Jun raves to Ali and Nate about how her wardrobe is absolutely fabulous. She says "this (BB clothes) is not even a dent of my wardrobe! I have a ton of clothes! My closet is awesome! It's color coordinated." (Yes....red clothes that are too small, blue clothes that are too small, purple clothes that are too small....) She tells them when she goes clubbing her wardrobe gets her in because she is so cute. Well, I knew it couldn't have been for her sparkling personality. Erika visits HoH Erika regrettably has to go visit Justin. She asks him "what am I supposed to say?" Justin says "say whatever you're gonna do." Erika says "I play it straight. I will not use the veto." Justin says "you are ok." Erika says "I basically know who you are going for, but I hate to see Jack go up." Justin says "I can't put up Ali." They agree not to discuss their convo with others. JeeGor Jee has turned into JeeGor, Justin's humpbacked nasty assistant. They have put a 5-minute limit on all HoH visitors. Jee escorts the visitors in and tells them when they have to leave. Later this evening he will be out back, digging up a body to bring to the laboratory. More regrettable quotes Jee "I like it when girls get buzzed early...I had options when I was single." Justin "I thought Amanda was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen, but she was clumsy as hell. It's a turn-off." Jun "I hope she (Dana) is calm and happy now." Robert "I don't wait in line (at restaurants and clubs, etc.). I call ahead and make demands, and they do it because I have the balls to call them and tell them "we will spend money. We are from BB and we are bringing beautiful girls." Nate "We're on the outside looking in, Jack." Jack "On my tombstone it will read 'He never won HoH.'" Robert "We are the dream team. We are still here. We can be ask cocky as we wanna be. We are guaranteed 2 more weeks." Make that 80,001 Jun complains that Dana said she had OCD about 80,000 times. It's always Dana, Dana, Dana! Hamsters speculate whether Dana had family there to greet her tonight. Jee says it's good TV (I hate that line. If it were good TV, most of you would be gone) to have family to greet you. Jun thinks there would be no family, because they could whisper to you and tell you things. Robert thinks Dana is partying and having a great time. To make this week a little more palatable, I would have loved, loved, LOVED to hear the primal scream from Dana. What the fuck is this!? This isn't Cancun...I'm pissed awwwwwwf!!!!! ...And World Peace Jun tells Ali America loves her. She says Julie Chen asks her a question every week. She tells Ali that when she's on TV she puts on her "pageant face". Sign on the Dotted Line Ali talks about the day she signed her BB contract. Her dad told her if she needed to kiss somebody to get farther in the game, go ahead. She says Donny was really upset and started crying. Justin starts laughing and calls Donny a faggot. A Campaign Promise Worth Remembering Jack goes into HoH to meet with the Stooges. He tells them "Remember guys, if you're ever in trouble, I can get you out of jail." Expiration Date? Now Ali tells Jee that Nate really isn't her friend anymore. She says he was, but "then he turned gay." Nate Bashing, Part 125 Justin says Nate is head honcho in his town. Robert says "that shit doesn't work out here." Justin says you can tell Nate has 3 sisters. He's got the emotions of a fucking girl. He's a girl in a guy's body. Ali says he's gay. Jee says Nate was flirting with him. Ali says she feels she was Nate's "decoy." I Love Jack Jack and Erika find out the Stooges call themselves "The Dream Team." Jack says "You know, you get so high, the fall is murderous." Erika mentions that Jee has been fairly tough in competition but Robert has been weak. Jack agrees and says "Robert is wrapped around Justin's balls." And this is News? Ali says she has to be the center of attention. She needs a guy who will put her on a pedestal. She says she and Donnie have had issues of trust, and he has cheated on her "five or six times." Ali thinks he is being unfaithful to her while she is in the BB house. This is a pedestal??