Tuna News, July 7, 2006

Nothing like starting off the Tuna News 2006 edition and having Blogger eat the entire post, destroying an hour of work. No matter -- it's Friday, it's Big Brother All Stars and it's AWN (tm Monica, even though she didn't make it in the house). What happened overnight? Plotting and bitching and drinking ... oh my! Let's roll up our sleeves and get going, shall we? Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer If it's Big Brother then there has to be a twist. Always the bright boy, James says the twist of Big Brother Seven is that Will and James are automatically nominated every week. Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them Already nominated for eviction, Ali worries that she doesn't know how much campaigning has been going on. Diane tells her, "I don't think that much. You're not the target." Arachnophobia The pets this year? Not fish. Not pigs. Not mechanical dogs. It's tarantulas! James wonders if they should name them Eric, Maggie and Beau. Is There a Doctor in the House? Dr. Will says he likes being a specialist because then he doesn't have to know other stuff. He don't know nothing about problems with body parts, but if someone needs Botox, he's their man! Point-Counterpoint Will: Howie is like Mike Tyson jacked up on roofies. James: Mike Tyson's smarter. Ali: Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations! Howie: Do you even know how to spell that?? Will: After the show we'll all have a big party. You should see us in normal life. Howie: Come to Howiegordon.com Will: I thought your website was clownpenis.fart And a Wee Bit of Strategerie Ali and James talk in the bathroom. James tells Ali she is one of the two most feared players in BB history right now. Ali says maybe three years ago. She says now she is old school. GreenTuna wonders if that is code for has-been. Nakomis and Diane talk about Ali's stupidity and that she played too hard too fast. Diane then rambles on, saying, "We know we can't trust her! Everybody is scared! What's the game plan? Do we even have one??" Meanwhile, Marcellas is worried about Chicken George ... And Boogie ... and Dr. Will ... and ... And a Wee Bit of Flirterie Erika and Kaysar spend a huge chunk of time at the pool table. Kaysar says he and Erika are boring. Erika tells him, "we're the sane ones in the asylum." Then Erika pumps Kaysar for information about what girls he likes. Kaysar says attraction is important, but personality is most important. Erika says, "OK, I'll marry you." Kaysar says, "I thought you'd never ask." Show Me The Money The houseguests reminisce over BB4, when Lori won $10k on the first night and then was evicted immediately thereafter. Diane says, "Lori loves money. It wouldn't matter how much it was, she would have taken it and left." Marcellas says, "Cowboy would have taken it, and if he didn't April (his wife) would have eaten him." 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall With only two beers apiece, Howie offers to buy more alcohol if it's a budget issue. 98 Bottles of Beer on the Wall James worries about drinking with a possible veto competition tomorrow. Diane yells, "Nerd Alert!" 97 Bottles of Beer on the Wall Dr. Will suggests they all go silent so Big Brother will give them beer. Big Brother examines his butt for flying monkeys. 96 Bottles of Beer on the Wall Firing a direct shot across the bow, Dr. Will says, "I don't want people to get drunk and talk about Star Wars." Parting Shots Jase: Cowboy was all heart, but no brain. Kaysar: Chicken George, Evil Dr. Will, Howie the Jedi ... It's like we're washed up Superheroes. Will: If you want skin like Howie, use everything but the good stuff. Howie's skin is like an old leather shoe. Marcellas: Janelle and Danielle both have fake boobs. If they want to do the Slip 'n Slide, this could end very badly! Howie: The Nerd Herd can kiss my ass ... I know you're watching! Marcellas: I'm charmed by Boogie, but not enough to have a conversation. Will: The girls on my season were like Hungarian goat wrestlers. Marcellas: I hate it when Big Brother wants you to be all slow and dramatic when you pull out the keys, when all you wanna be is like, "Bitch!" Will: Erika in a bikini at midnight ... I love this show!