All Your Houseguests Are Belong to Us!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

TUNA NEWS -- July 17, 2007

Another day in ye olde Big Brother House. Despite the POV ceremony and the Joe being hoisted onto the block by his own petard (origin of phrase HERE) not a single chair went flying across the kitchen. But never fear intrepid readers, there is alway something mock-worthy to report, so let's get at it!

Kail Sucks Up
Kail gives Dani and lays it on like a thick slop bikini. Danielle is a trooper! Danielle won Veto twice! Danielle has been on slop for two weeks! Danielle overcame stuff and now look...she's happy!

I'd Like to Buy A Clue
Jen is a nanny to Vanna White's children, proving that to succeed you just have to be smarter than your charges. In this case, it's probably a horse race.

Stay Away From My Boyfriend
Jen claims that if you Google "Hot Bikini Model" she is the #2 answer. Well, she's not, but I believe I did find her HERE where my favorite part of the page is the list of things she enjoys, which include traveling, eating dessert, swimming, sleeping, talking, shopping, and trying new things. The TunaNews wonders if she would enjoy trying new things if those new things included any activity that was not self-centered.

Say What? Take One
Jessica starts talking about Chernobyl, GERMANY. The hamsters correct her and tell her it's not Germany, It's RUSSIA. Jessica doesn't believe them. GreenTuna sends Jessica a map and a fishnet radiation suit. Oh, and a curling iron.

Say What?? Take Two
Joe: Eric's votes are always based on logic because he's Jewish and of course he's smart.

Teach Your Children Well
As the current HoH, Jen isn't about revenge or, well, let's face it, even strategy. She is here to educate the leaders of tomorrow. She explains to Kail and Mike that more people wanted Zach to go than anybody else. Jen, however, has other plans. She wants to keep Zach and "teach him better" so people will like him.

25 or 6 to 4
Jameka breaks down the upcoming eviction vote: "It's going to be 2-to-8, 5-to-5 or 4-to-6.

Help Me, Joe-bi-Wan Kenobi
Danielle complains that Joe is putting pressure on her trying to get her vote, by telling her she is his only hope.

Great Expectations
Nick explains to Danielle his reason for being in the game. He says he doesn't want to win the money (GreenTuna: Then WHY ARE YOU THERE?). He wants to be seen as the noble lad who is going to look out for people. Being the noble lad that he is, he then proceeds to tell Danielle that he "fucking hates Jen" and when she talks he just wants to "shoot himself in the head." GreenTuna is not at all convinced that those are sanctioned activities in the Noble Lad Handbook.

Joe's Quick Tips On How Not to Win Friends and Influence The Vote
1. Half-assed chit-chat All I ask is for the house guest's honesty.
2. Non-believable deal making Even if you don't vote for me and I manage to stay, I'm not coming after you.
3. Blaming Others for your demise This is totally shitty. This would have been an entirely different game if you weren't here.
4. Misplaced Pity that isn't All I see is the sad little boy from two years ago.
5. Outright Name-calling You're a lonely old hag in a rocking chair.
6. And a cherry on top Enjoy the bitterness and disgust. You've become everything you despise.

Amber thinks that she and Dustin are just like Mike Boogie and Dr. Will.
Dick says, "I don't believe Will or Boogie cried for two days when they were put on the block.

Monday, July 16, 2007

TUNA NEWS -- July 16, 2007

The staff here at The Tuna News pores over hundreds of hours of transcripts to bring you, the loyal readers, the raciest, juiciest, most awesome-riffic news available. People, this is the material I've been given to work with today:

Zach: I have never seen a bible with maps.
Mike: I like steak better, probably because I grew up in Wisconsin.
Amber: I don't wear makeup every day.
Nick: Are you gonna puke tonight?
Eric: I can spin one arm in one direction and the other in the opposite direction.
Mike: (blank stare)

That being said, there were a few nuggets of fun not-quite smothered in the mire of ennui (Greentuna: Hey, Good Band Name. Or Blog Title). It's short and sweet, but this is what we got:

When Math and Negotiations Collide
Joe and Jen discuss the upcoming POV meeting. Joe is pushing HARD for Jen to nominated Zach, but Jen isn't drinking the Zach Kool-Aid and the well-thought out debate continues:
Jen: Why would I put Zach up when everybody is going to put him up next week?
Joe: That is 150% not true.
Jen: 100% it's true.
Joe: 150% that's not true.
Jen: Why would I put up Zach when he's not going to put me up next week?
Joe: That is not true.

The Site is Called Word-A-Day. Subscribe
Mike: It's on the outskirts...
Amber: What does that mean? I hear that word all the time!

Introducing: Amber
Amber. Single mother from Las Vegas. Cries a lot. Reads the bible. God is her co-pilot. Doesn't know what "outskirts" means. What else do we know about Amber?

Fun On Dates
Amber and Mike have a pre-arranged "date night" in the backyard of the Big Brother House. Amber asks the usual get-to-know-you first date questions like "Do you like fruit?" "Do you like vegetables?" "Do you like chicken or steak?" (Steak. Mike is from Wisconsin. I know, I know. Make up your own answer here).

No, REALLY FUN on Dates
Moving to the next level, Amber decides to share some things about herself and leads off with: I was addicted to Meth for over a year and follows up with a rousing tale of The enema that didn't work to solve my 3-meal-a-Day fast-food habit and the doctor said don't worry, I only had a slight inflammation of the colon.

Best Comeback
Mike: (blank stare)

Enjoys Post-Date Delusions
Dustin: ...................
Amber: I can just tell by the way he stares at me!

Again that "Best Comeback" Was
Mike: (blank stare)

Potent Quotables for $200
Amber: Even if I win, I will still shop at Target and Walmart.

Potent Quotables for $400
Dani: I'd like to punch Jen in the face.

Potent Quotables for $600
Amber: Jen, your body is perfect. There is nothing hanging out or anything.

Potent Quotables for $800
Amber: I got on speed because my dog had surgery.

Potent Quotables for $1000
Joe: I had to bleach my underwear to get the gonorrhea stains out.

Last Call. Thank God.
Mike: (monotone) Wow.....those are amazing stories.
Amber: (excitedly) Aren't they??!!!!!

Friday, July 13, 2007

TUNA NEWS -- July 13, 2007

Friday the 13th unlucky? Not when there is a brand-spanking new copy of The Tuna News for you to peruse while you enjoy your morning bowl of slop. Last night Satan's army rallied and Jen was installed as the new mouthpiece of the damned HoH. What happened in the house overnight? Time to check the headlines.

Written in the Stars
Joe, Dani and Jessica (combined IQ ~72 degrees with 68% humidity) notice a plane circling overhead. They tell the plane "Drop some food!" and "Take Jen Away!"

Trading Spaces, or, Would You Rather Have Hay on the Wall?
Jen (are you surprised?) throws a hissy (yet?) about her HoH room. First of all, there are the pictures. THE PICTURES! THE CAPS-LOCK BOLD LEANED OVER PICTURES!!!!! She hates The Pictures. She is upset about The Pictures. She wishes The Pictures could be taken down. The problem with The Pictures? They are two years old. Which, incidentally, exceeds Jens age of maturity by about 18 months.

Best Comeback. Part 1
Dani: Jen was complaining her pictures were of family, not friends.
Dick: Jen was upset the pictures weren't of herself.

I Want an Oompah Loompah, and I Want it Now!
Jen (again) complaining (again) about ... PILLOWS! Big Brother did not give her Silk Pillows! The horrors! Next up? No wire hangers.

La-La-La-La-La-LA I Can't Hear You!!
Dustin, Jameka and Amber talk about the possibilities for the upcoming nominations. Amber thinks she is going up again. Jameka thinks it will be two guys. Dustin thinks it might be Dustin. Amber says if it is (Dustin) she'll fight hard for him. She adds, "I told you I prayed to God today for 30 minutes!!"
(ETAAgain: Now, does this mean she prayed for 30 minutes, or she told him for 30 minutes. Kind of makes a difference to the Almighty)

While We're Down On Our Knees...
Jameka is getting hot Hot HOT about Zack, and not in a good way. She tells Dani, "Zack's got one more time to come out his mouth wrong to me...and that's all I got to say about it...he got one more help me God I will...I'm gonna pray about it. Not gonna let my mouth get me in trouble."

She Blinded Me With Science!
To put it delicately, Jameka is suffering through some intestinal difficulties. First she announces she is skipping ice cream tonight to see if she gets smelly gas. She'd like to rule it out as the cause. Later she announces, "One thing is official. I don't have gas tonight and I'm about to have pizza. We'll see what happens!

Best Comeback. Part 2
Joe: It's nice to have new stuff to talk about.

Seeya, Wouldn't Wanna Beeya
Jessica: I didn't hug Carol. I didn't want to.
Dustin: It's nice not to have that Negative Nancy Raincloud walking room to room.

Strategy with a Dick
Dick and Nick are sure Dick will be put on the block. Nick also worries that he is a target because of last week's Kissgate incident. Of course, Dick isn't winning any friends by not going to Jen's HoH room (but you know, there was no silk pillow and then there were The PICTURES). Dick says he is going to try to make a deal with Jen, but that it will be a lie. Later on, Dick and Dustin talk about nominations. Dustin warns Dick not to make Jen mad because she does nominations based on the way someone treats her. Dick says Jen wants to play for attention. He says she was following him around until he told her she's an inconsiderate bitch and he wasn't going to change his mind and kiss her ass. Oh yeah, that will keep you off the block for sure.

One is the Loneliest Number
12:32am Jen announces, "We can start making deals now in the HoH room!"
12:43am Jen is back in the backyard because nobody came up to HoH to "take a meeting."

Someone's in the Kitchen With...Where's Dinah?
Jameka: Who burnt the popcorn?
Dani: It must have been a brunette
Jessica: They're soooo dull!
Dani: Jameka, did they tell you to come in and clean the sink window?
Jameka: Obviously. Yeah, just call me Florence from the Jefferson.

They Said It, But I'm Not Explaining It
Nick: George Clooney is handsome.
Jessica: Asians don't wear white.
Dustin: No one knows how Jen got cast!
Eric: All I can say is the Execs are smiling. This is going to be a great week of TV.

Final Thoughts from Biggus Dickus
Going: The best thing for me would be if she drowned in that bathtub before nominations.
Going: After the nominations I am going to say, "Jen, I expected you to put me up. You are a bitch! The rest of you can eat me."
Gone: (to the cameras) And that's the end of The Dick at Night Show. Don't worry, we'll be right back!

Friday, July 06, 2007

Tuna News -- July 6th, 2007

It's SEASON EIGHT at the Big Brother House, and already the House Guests are proving to be the predictable, annoying hamsters that they are. Although they've been in the house for five days, the feeds did not go live until midnight EDT, but have no fear, there was still plenty of idiocy to report. Here are the headlines:

Introducing Dick
He likes to be called EvelDick. Yes, Evel with an "E" as in Knievel. I don't know why because he is neither Evel nor Evil. What he is is a whopping case of ADD, and HEY, AN APPLE! So far, it seems ADDick hasn't slept, so we get lots of incoherent ramblings, and wacky hijinks (like, for example, THIS). Dick is the father to Danielle (poor kid) and they are one of the rivals - enemies - people with unfinished business pairs in the house.

Introducing Joe and Dustin
Joe and Dustin are another set of enemies in the form of ex-boyfriends. Although Joe entered the house with the original 11, it has becoming quickly apparent that the hamsters prefer Dustin to Joe, despite the fact that Dustin is a know-it-all blowhard and Joe is a bitter flaming ex.

Introducing Carol and Amber
Otherwise known as, the first two nominees for eviction. Amber is a single mother who is evidently well-liked in the house. Carol is another hamster involved in the "twist" but her story is so lame its laughable. She is paired with her nemesis, Jessica. They were HIGH SCHOOL RIVALS. Are you feeling the gravity of the issue? THEY DIDN'T SPEAK TO EACH OTHER IN HIGH SCHOOL. OHMYGAWD! Oh, and there is some issue about somebody not paying somebody $5 they owed. Five Dollars. It's not exactly Springer-Worthy material here, folks.

The Power of Conviction In Regards to the Eviction
Nominated for eviction, Carol worries about what kind of impression she gave to the other house guests. She tells Dustin she feels badly that other hamsters thought she didn't want to stay in the house. "And I didn't want to!" She whines. "I mean, for a good hour!"

It's All About Sacrifice, Baby
Carol recites a laundry list of things she gave up to come to the Big Brother House. She gave up education. She gave up graduation. She gave up her boyfriend. Maybe. She gave up dancing or cheering or whatever she does at college, and BOY HOWDY were they mad! They made her write a letter! The list goes on and on and includes french fries, candy and meat on Friday. She's probably also now lactose intolerant and blind in one eye. All for the love of the game.

Bring on the Chess Analogies
Dustin, ever eager to lecture strategy to others, tells Carol that Zach is "playing his own game" and he's "setting up his own pieces." Dustin tells Carol, "It's whether you want to be a part of his chess board or not."

Maybe It's NOT About the Money After All?
Carol reveals her true reasons for wanting to stay in the house, saying, "I can't go yet. I have too many cute clothes to wear!!"

Over Achiver
Amber talks about the testing process for Big Brother. She says the test administrator told her that in 16 years she had never seen anyone so loyal, honest and trustworthy. She called her a "truly unique individual". Sadly, the test administrator was probably a pathological liar, because just about any dog from the pound will fit the above description.

Speaking of Idiot Interviewers
Joe admits that he was tipped off about Dustin being in the house. Erik admits that they called him the wrong name.

Another Serving of Waffles for M'Lady?
Carol tells Dustin that she can't compete against Amber in a deceitful way. She explains, "I cannot be conniving about it. I can't. I can't do it." Then she adds, "At least not yet." Oh, that last sentence will get you every time.

Songs You CAN Sing in the Big Brother House
The Slop Song (Jameka)
The "Now All of America Knows I Have Gonorrhea" Song (Joe)
Additional "Cha-Cha-Chas" for above (Jessica)

Songs You CANNOT Sing in the Big Brother House
Jesus Songs (Carol, Jameka, Kail)
Whistling Songs (ADDick)

And He's Bi-Polar, Too!
Dick the tenderhearted has a mini-meltdown about his estranged daughter and fellow hamster, Danni. He says, "Danielle is Alice. She always wanted to be Alice and now she is. How weird is that? How weird and sad is it that I can still miss my daughter and she is right here?" Then Dick the jerkwad then blows his nose in his shirt and says, "Gross, huh? I don't give a f***. Never do."

But That's Why You're Here!
Day five and the house is already falling apart. Not the house guests, the actual house! Dick discovers the HoH doorbell (no longer attached to the wall) and takes it downstairs. He plots a punking of the HoH room by ringing the doorbell from hidden locations (next up: "Is your refrigerator running?" and "Prince Albert in a Can"). Not surprisingly (to everyone but Dick) Big Brother tells Dick to take the doorbell to the storage room. Dick complains that they always take his fun away. He says, "I'm always getting in trouble. It's just like living with my mother."

Parting Words
Dick: I wonder if ten cartons of cigarettes was enough.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Tuna News, July 10, 2006

It was a weekend short of strategy and long on one-liners. It was a weekend of kickball and boobies (with Howie in the house, when is it not a season of boobies?). What was news over the weekend in the Big Brother House? Check it out!

Because He was all out of Cheeze-Nips
Chicken George who doesn't seem to know anything about anything asks James about the six finger plan. After not understanding several times, James tries again, this time using gym equipment as houseguests. Sadly, it didn't help.

It's Good to have a Plan
Marcellas gets up and says, "This day is about a nap, a shower, waffles at 4:00, another nap and trash talk in the Diary Room."

You Gotta Have Game
Diane, who is not-so-subtly campaigning to keep Ali in the house goes to chat with Chicken George. She asks him who he's going to vote for, and he says he doesn't know. Diane tells him he needs to start thinking about these things. She asks if he's talked to anybody yet, and he said no, he was just listening, and only barely. Diane asks him if he's playing the listening game. George says yeah, until he figures out what he's doing. Diane says she thinks he already knows what he's doing, and if he's playing the no-playing game, well, that's going to get him in trouble too.

All-Star Lingo
"Amber Alert" -- Those who play "under the radar". Taken from Survivor All Star's Amber, who did absolutely nothing, and then won the million.
"Kaysar Clause" -- People who get voted off, kicked out or otherwise removed, only to be returned to the game by sudden rule shifts.

What's in a Name?
The naming of the tarantulas continues. The little one is Cowboy, the big one is Monica, the cute one is Lisa and the hairiest one is Bunky.


Marcellas offers up a unique Big Brother strategy. His plan was to target the first person to touch a bible and the first person to touch a pan. The logic (if one could call it that ) would be that it would be best to take out the moral bible thumper and whomever wanted to be head cook. He said those are two strategies that make it to the end.

Howie: "I want to stay as close to you as possible to get the most airtime."
Will: "There is nothing wrong with being an understudy."

Janelle: "How many calories do you think the fried taco is?"
Chicken George: "Do I look like a man that counts calories??"

Howie: "I love this! It takes me back to second grade!"
James: "What, two weeks ago?"

Diane: (Playing kickball) "I'm just an easy out."
Howie: "The easy part sounds good, Diane."

Howie: "Get me a waffle, William"
Will: "I'll put your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies."
Howie: "This guy's got a line for everything...but you'd be funnier with a tan...or any pigmentation at all."

James: "Marcellas, it's one o'clock in the morning and you're still looking great. It must be great to be you."
Marcellas: "You only say that because you know I love it."

Picky, Picky, Picky
It isn't even Peanut Butter Jelly Time (with a baseball bat!) and the hamsters are already complaining about the food. Marcellas comes out the storeroom complaining, "Why do they have to buy cheap cookies? Like, this is almost Chip Ahoy, but not quite. If you squint, you'd think it was."

Strategy Number One - Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie
Janelle and Erika talk strategy, and Erika tells Janelle that everybody fears the number advantage of season six. Janelle asks, "Outnumbered? Really? Do you think they're gonna come after us? Did you hear something?" Erika answers, "Absolutely not."

Strategy Number Two - Have an Alliance. Have Two.
Howie advises Mike Boogie on making it to the end. He says, "If you're in the finale three, forget Will -- throw him under the bus." How says, "I have seven alliances. One of them has to be good and get me through." Never allowing a minute to pass without the chance to one-up others, James says, "I have fourteen alliances."

Strategy Number Three - Conspiracy Target
Poor Chicken George. Nobody, NOBODY trusts this guy. Mike Boogie doesn't buy his act, but he doesn't want to get rid of him because he cooks and cleans. Janelle says he (George) reminds her of a hedgehog. Marcellas says, "George knows everything. He knows your mama's name. He knows it all." Danielle doesn't trust him and wants to call him out, but first she corners him in the storeroom to make sure she has his vote. Dr. Will suffers from extreme frustration, saying, "Who is going to bond with George? I am trying, but I can't." Howie summed it up best, saying, "Chicken George can't tell me he didn't watch Big Brother Six. George Bush watched Big Brother Six!"

Strategy Number Four - Bargaining Chip
It's always good to have a little something to give you leverage when you're fighting for power in the Big Brother House. James offers nude pictures of Sara if they throw the HoH competition for him.

The Downside of Exercise
Will, Boogie and Ali do a couple of Pilates sessions with Erika. After a particularly grueling workout, Will said, "Well, the four of us are now nice and flexible, while the other ten are in the house forming an alliance."

Potent Quotables
Kaysar: "In my season, HoH questions were pretty straightforward. You just had to be paying attention. Anybody could get them right...even Howie."
Will: "Maggie (BB6) wasn't asked to be an All Star. If you were hated for being boring rather than evil, they didn't ask you to come back."
Howie: "American, thanks for voting Erika back, she's got a great rack!"
Janelle: "Howie, why do you keep repeating things from last season? It's annoying. I'm serious!"
Marcellas: "Someone give me a needle and thread so I can sew my mouth shut!"
Nakomis: "People always under-estimate me. They just see the blue-haired girl."
Howie: "If you nominate me for a strategic reason, Okay. But if it's personal like you don't like my socks, I will destroy you."

Parting Shots
Will: "Howie, everyone else might think you're a weird sack of shit, but you're alright to me."

Friday, July 07, 2006

Tuna News, July 7, 2006

Nothing like starting off the Tuna News 2006 edition and having Blogger eat the entire post, destroying an hour of work. No matter -- it's Friday, it's Big Brother All Stars and it's AWN (tm Monica, even though she didn't make it in the house). What happened overnight? Plotting and bitching and drinking ... oh my! Let's roll up our sleeves and get going, shall we?

Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer
If it's Big Brother then there has to be a twist. Always the bright boy, James says the twist of Big Brother Seven is that Will and James are automatically nominated every week.

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
Already nominated for eviction, Ali worries that she doesn't know how much campaigning has been going on. Diane tells her, "I don't think that much. You're not the target."

The pets this year? Not fish. Not pigs. Not mechanical dogs. It's tarantulas! James wonders if they should name them Eric, Maggie and Beau.

Is There a Doctor in the House?
Dr. Will says he likes being a specialist because then he doesn't have to know other stuff. He don't know nothing about problems with body parts, but if someone needs Botox, he's their man!

: Howie is like Mike Tyson jacked up on roofies.
James: Mike Tyson's smarter.

Ali: Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations! Libations!
Howie: Do you even know how to spell that??

Will: After the show we'll all have a big party. You should see us in normal life.
Howie: Come to
Will: I thought your website was clownpenis.fart

And a Wee Bit of Strategerie
Ali and James talk in the bathroom. James tells Ali she is one of the two most feared players in BB history right now. Ali says maybe three years ago. She says now she is old school. GreenTuna wonders if that is code for has-been.

Nakomis and Diane talk about Ali's stupidity and that she played too hard too fast. Diane then rambles on, saying, "We know we can't trust her! Everybody is scared! What's the game plan? Do we even have one??"

Meanwhile, Marcellas is worried about Chicken George ... And Boogie ... and Dr. Will ... and ...

And a Wee Bit of Flirterie
Erika and Kaysar spend a huge chunk of time at the pool table. Kaysar says he and Erika are boring. Erika tells him, "we're the sane ones in the asylum." Then Erika pumps Kaysar for information about what girls he likes. Kaysar says attraction is important, but personality is most important. Erika says, "OK, I'll marry you." Kaysar says, "I thought you'd never ask."

Show Me The Money
The houseguests reminisce over BB4, when Lori won $10k on the first night and then was evicted immediately thereafter. Diane says, "Lori loves money. It wouldn't matter how much it was, she would have taken it and left." Marcellas says, "Cowboy would have taken it, and if he didn't April (his wife) would have eaten him."

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
With only two beers apiece, Howie offers to buy more alcohol if it's a budget issue.
98 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
James worries about drinking with a possible veto competition tomorrow. Diane yells, "Nerd Alert!"
97 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Dr. Will suggests they all go silent so Big Brother will give them beer. Big Brother examines his butt for flying monkeys.
96 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Firing a direct shot across the bow, Dr. Will says, "I don't want people to get drunk and talk about Star Wars."

Parting Shots
Jase: Cowboy was all heart, but no brain.
Kaysar: Chicken George, Evil Dr. Will, Howie the Jedi ... It's like we're washed up Superheroes.
Will: If you want skin like Howie, use everything but the good stuff. Howie's skin is like an old leather shoe.
Marcellas: Janelle and Danielle both have fake boobs. If they want to do the Slip 'n Slide, this could end very badly!
The Nerd Herd can kiss my ass ... I know you're watching!
Marcellas: I'm charmed by Boogie, but not enough to have a conversation.
Will: The girls on my season were like Hungarian goat wrestlers.
Marcellas: I hate it when Big Brother wants you to be all slow and dramatic when you pull out the keys, when all you wanna be is like, "Bitch!"
Will: Erika in a bikini at midnight ... I love this show!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Tuna News Sneak Preview, July 6, 2006

After both hell and high water, the presses are ready to roll once again. Big Brother 7 - All Stars debuts tonight, and after the sort-of live show (except, ahem, all the parts that aren't) it's time to fire up those 24 hour feeds and get ready for 3 months of butt numbing excitement.

For the sake of those who wish not to be spoiled, we shall not get into the hour-long audio oopsie that happened on Tuesday, essentially giving away who is in the house, and the first big twist. For the time being, we'll just play along and pretend that we don't know what's going on yet.

There's less than 4 hours to go.
Are you ready?
I am.