TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 11, 2004

It's the happy hump day (that's Wednesday) edition of The Tuna News. You know, the bad thing about an iron-clad plan is that it tends to dry up all wheeling and dealing until the sacrificial Jase is booted out the door. And that, my friends, leads to bored hamsters. But sometimes bored hamsters are extremely creative hamsters. What happened over night in the Big Brother house? Let's see! BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 1 -- MAKE UP WORDS You might think after living with Holly and Cowboy for oh-these-many-weeks that "making up words" might have already been done. And overdone. Not these hamsters. Last night the word of the day was SMURF. Smurf as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, interjection (shows excitement! And emotion! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Yeah!!!!!!!!! darn! That's the end). Boredom Relief Success Rating: -86 School House Rock Reference Rating: 100!!! BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 2 -- NAME THE CAMERAS Nakomis decides to name all the cameras and camera operators in the house. "Fifi" "Bigglesworth" "Seven" "Pin 15" "Bill" "CeeCee" and "Sam" are some of the names. She asks the cameras if they like the name and the camera moves yes or no for each suggestion. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 6 BB Rating: FISH BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 3 -- UNSUPERVISED ARTS AND CRAFTS Jase grabs makeshift supplies from somewhere and starts altering HG's pictures. He makes some devil horns out of tape (where do they get tape??) and puts them on Diane's picture. He makes a halo and puts it on Drew's picture. He gets a maxi pad to put on Diane's picture but then takes it down. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 10 if you ask Jase Rating for normal people: -5 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 4 -- LID TOSS Jase tries to throw lids over the wall in the backyard. Boredom Relief Success Rating: See Plan 3, above BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 5 -- COOKING Marvin tells BB they can keep the flour they have, and he'll go out and buy his own. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 2/3 cup BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 6 -- CHARADES The hamsters talk about playing charades. Natalie says, "No Alcohol, No Charades. We aren't doing anything without alcohol." Feed viewers ponder Cowboy charades and wonder if a dry evening isn't just what the doctor ordered. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 3 Words....1st word... BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 7 -- THE HOLY BOOK Marvin gets himself some religion and reads the Bible about "discharge" and being "unclean". Boredom Relief Success Rating: 4 Rating Because it was Leviticus: -69 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 8 -- WHISTLING Karen Whistles. Boredom Relief Success Rating: BB: Karen, STOP WHISTLING. BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 9 - TALK ABOUT YOURSELVES The houseguests talk about each hamster and one item that relates to them. Mike (The Don) - George Bush Shirt Lori- Bikini Holly - Leopard Trunks Scott- Number 2 Shorts Jase - Hat or underwear Marvin - Cigar or rolled up shorts Cowboy - Hat Diane - Sherbert pants Karen - Star bikini Twins - Pink robe Nakomis - Mastermind shirt Drew - Abercrombie Shorts Will - Scrub Top Boredom Relief Success Rating: 2-for-1 Sale at Walmart BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 10 - GO INTERNATIONAL Karen wonders if BB is available in Italy via satellite. Karen wonders if they understand "American". Boredom Relief Success Rating: Quoi? BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 11 - TALK ABOUT MONEY Cowboy wonders if BB will make another money offer to the hamsters, like the $10k they gave Lori on opening night. What, $500k, not good enough for you? The hamsters all talk about how they'd take the money now in an instant. Boredom Relief Success Rating: $1.37 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 12 - MAKE FUN OF OTHERS Karen says Cowboy "Isn't mentally there." She thinks he's unstable. Nakomis doubts whether he has a fiancee any more. Will supposes April (Cowboy's intended) is just as bad, but Karen says, "No. She's the one that does all the driving and makes all the money." Boredom Relief Success Rating: 55 mph BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 13 - ACT DELUSIONAL Cowboy and Jase think the vote tomorrow will be really close. Cowboy thinks it will be 4-3. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 4-3 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 14 - YELL TIRED CLICHES Cowboy gets into bed and yells across the house to Jase, "It's you and me till the end!!" Boredom Relief Success Rating: ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz... All I want is a TUNA somewhere, far away from the cold night air with one enormous chair, Oh Wouldn't It Be Loverly?