TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 5, 2004, p.2

All the news that's fit to mock...Joker's style. SUPER SECRET ALLIANCE REVEALED Karen and Will have a super secret alliance. This is different than the secret alliance they both have with Nakomis, or the secret alliance Will has with Jase, or the not-so-secret alliance Karen has with her pig. Karen's current super secret target is Adria. Karen is worried about what will come out of super secret target Adria's "big fat head" tomorrow. Karen and Will agree that if super secret target Adria wins HoH, they'll be best friends forever! ALONG CAME A SPIDER AND SAT DOWN BESIDE HER Drew tells Diane he almost came over and gave her a kiss! First of all, what kind of sentence is that? I almost kissed you? Did he miss? Did he think better of the plan? Did he decide he was hungry and forget? I almost swam the English Channel today, but you know..I didn't. ANYWAY, Diane is shocked! Shocked I say, because she almost came over and kissed Drew! Will the coincidences never end? Diane's excuse? She got scared by a spider. HAS HAZMAT SUIT, WILL TRAVEL Nakomis, Adria and Will complain about the sequester house. They worry that if Jase is there first, he will have peed in every bed, there will be pit stains in every sheet and spit everywhere. Evidently BB made Jase clean the pee towels, but then they threw them away. Nakomis refuses to be intimidated by Jase and his pee. Karen says if all the hamsters approached BB then they would have to do something. She then, somehow compares the current hamster cast to the cast of "Friends". I must have missed the episode where Chandler peed in the towels. UNICORNS! How awesome is it that there is a news item entitled "Unicorns!" I bet you thought it would never happen. Here's the news: Jase and Marvin have a spat and Jase told Marvin that he (Marvin) was nasty. Marvin says he can't stand Jase and he hates "both of his faces" (score!) Will says, "Let's change the subject. The new subject is Unicorns!" ADD THAT TO MY PHRASE BOOK After hearing that Adria (supposedly) voted to evict Scott, Diane says, "Lady luck is on our side." Will adds, "It's on like Donkey Kong." CUE THE B-52s It's not exactly The Loveshack, but Drew attempts to build a "love tent" in the HoH room. BB busts him, telling him he's not allowed to move the cushions. Drew and Scott contemplate moving the tables, but that plan is thrown to the fishes. Diane comes in and Drew tells her what he's been trying to do. Diane says if she could hold her arm up for nine hours, then she could just hold the covers up with her legs. PARTING SHOTS Jase says, ""You can hate me, but you can't beat me." There's no place like TUNA... There's no place like TUNA...