TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 18, 2004

Happy Hump Day here at the Tuna News. All the tears, jeers, gossip and one-liners arranged for you on a single sheet. WHAT'S IN A NAME Marvin tells the hamsters that his childhood nickname (from his mom) was "Spewter Booter" and he has no idea what it means. Diane says her nickname (from her dad) was "Coal Bucket". THEY DON'T CALL HER WONDER WOMAN FOR NOTHING Diane is talking about Natalie and Adria's Super Spidey powers. She tells Drew, "I know the twins don't trust me. They don't have twinglish as much as they have telepathy power. I felt like prey walking into the kitchen tonight because they both were sending me subliminal shots in the stomach. NO STRIVING ACTORS HERE. Thank goodness Arnold Shapiro screens to make sure they don't have any striving actors. Diane tells Drew that she doesn't need a college degree for modeling and acting. Diane also says, "CBS hates me now, because I let it be known that I came here for exposure for my career." HEY, AN APPLE! Diane tells Drew that college is just too hard for her. She says she is smart, but cannot get good grades. She says, "I can't study and I have ADD and I'm lazy." Then she adds, "What's ADD?" *POOF* THERE IT IS! Nakomis, Karen and Will complain about the horrible week. Nakomis says, "This has been a week of total drama. Everything is drama. There could be a poof of air, and drama stems from it." PHILOSOPHY 101 Karen: Everything is going to be ok. Nakomis: Either that, or we're all going to die. Nakomis: If my mother shows up (when she's evicted), she's either going to hug me or stab me. LET US PRAY Nakomis tells Will and Karen that her mother is Methodist and works for the church. She says her mother signed a "morality agreement" so she cannot participate in this show, because it might have naked people or bad language. Will says he went to a Methodist school for four years and met some "really cool people." Nakomis agrees that they are cool, adding, "they have their prayer groups and I'm going to be in it for some reason. I'm not going to be able to walk through my mother's business without one of them having to stop me, and (saying) like, 'Pray with me.'" Will says, "Oh listen honey, I've been on the Southern Baptist prayer list since day one. Don't even get me started on that." SAFARI PLANET Drew and Diane suffer from boredom, bantering, and random acts of paranoia. Drew admits that he's tired of all the drama. Diane says, "Don't let it get to you. We have all flipped out." Drew recalls how he flipped out on Jase, and then tells Diane, "You are like a Parrot. You talk to much." Diane counters with, "Well...You are like a Turtle. You don't talk enough." Then, she adds, "No, you are like a Camel! Because they hold grudges. You didn't know that?? Camels hold grudges for an exorbitant amount of time when somebody hurts them." (Remember, Drew and Diane are not accredited zoologists, nor do they hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. They are simply enthusiastic hamsters with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God's Creatures, just like BRIAN FELLOW!) LAST HAMSTER STANDING Last night was the night of a thousand one-liners and quick comebacks. Marvin: You know it's a slow day in the Big Brother house when you have to have a rematch for the best handstand in the pool. Diane: Tonight Will is giving kissing lessons, if you'd like to attend. Marvin: I'll wait for the book. Karen: This is normal. This is what I eat at home. It's salad. Marvin: It's colon-blow. Diane: I was just having a bad day. Marvin: Girl, you have a bad day every other day. Drew: Every other hour. Marvin: I'm donating 10% of all my BB5 winnings to Oprah's Angel network. Cowboy: She'll be calling you first. Marvin: Hell, she don't call me now. I'm still waiting for Halle Berry to call me. Diane: The first time I can get drunk, everybody's giving me their beer and I'm getting sloshed. But I could never take a beer from you, Marvin, because you'd have my arm chopped off. Drew: Jase is so full of shit. It's worse than a hog farm. Natalie: The people are so flaky in here, they're worse than cornflakes. Adria: Head and Shoulders has never seen so many flakes. Karen: Marvin, stop smelling Diane's hair. Marvin: I've been in here too long. Everybody is starting to look cute. Cowboy's lookin' a little cute today. BB: (interrupting the late-night poker game) Houseguests, how are you doing tonight? Just wanted to tell you there's going to be a lockdown in the early hours of the morning, so when you guys go inside please pull the shades down. And uh, Marvin, there's something to be said for loving from afar, so if you could love Lori from the Memory Wall.... (Marvin had grabbed Lori's picture and put it on the poker table for good luck) Drew: BB, could we have some George Harrison music in the morning? And...could you please tell me what Cowboy's cards are? PARTING SHOTS Marvin: Why don't you MoFos get out of my house and give me a half million dollars?