TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 13, 2004

It's a Friday The 13th edition of The Tuna News. Grab your salt shaker and avoid black cats and ladders as we hash out the fun now that the Habitrail has been cleaned and Jase has been kicked to the curb. No Wannabe Actors Here, Nope Nope Nope Despite Arnold Shapiro's best efforts to convince us otherwise, there is a whole house full of wannabe actors. Diane wants to act or model. She wisely acknowledges that "Ohio modeling is different than New York modeling." Ya think? Call me crazy, but I would imagine there are a distinct lack of food court runways in NYC. Drew wants to act or model. Drew says that Jase told him not to model first because it doesn't look good. Cowboy offers his advice, because you know, he was a theater major. Or was going to be a theater major. Or something. Right after doctor, lawyer and Indian Chief. Queer Eye from the Will Guy Will comments on Cowboy's new baby-faced look. He says he needs the facial hair back to balance out the face. Adria says Cowboy's eyes stand out more with the facial hair gone. Will says Cowboy has to maximize his potential with those things he can control (like growing hair). I say, insert your own punchline here. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow Holly may be gone, but not forgotten. The discussion turns to hair, as Will tells Karen he would love to see a professional colorist do her hair. They talk about going blonde, but he quickly adds, "Not Holly Blonde" because they feel she was too yellow. Will says "Holly thought she had it going on, but she was a fashion disaster. She didn't need a makeOVER, she needed a makeUNDER." Whatever Happened to Skits in Groups of Three? Cowboy makes the unfortunate suggestion of playing "Truth AND Dare". Aside from not getting the title of the game correct, a lot of just plain old nasty daring goes on which shall not be recapped here. Please, use your own imagination sprinkled liberally with exposed body parts, kissing, dancing, and a very regrettable use of a Cowboy hat as a thong. Dr. Cowboy Ruth After watching Drew and Diane do some serious kissing for a dare, Cowboy tells Drew that "he needs to work on his kissing skills" and that "he didn't look like he was really into it." WOW! Apparently, Cowboy has yet another calling as a sex therapist. Cowboy tells Drew he needs to be more romantic, and he's sure that Drew "has it in him." Cowboy instructs Drew to practice and to come back and show him tomorrow. I have to believe that if Drew is kissing Diane and thinking about Cowboy ... it's not going to help his technique much. Adria and Karen Karen makes the pilgrimage to the Holy Mecca of the HoH room. Karen plays up how HORRIBLE it was when she, poor Karen, was nominated in week two. Karen plays up how HORRIBLE she felt and how she pooped a lot. Karen performs a variation on a theme of HORRIBLE by telling Adria how HORRIBLE Will felt when he hit the "Bad Egg" basket in the food competition that nobody remembers from weeks past. Karen says she has never wavered since day one. Because you know, wavering is of the Devil. It's All About The Fiber Karen tells Adria she feels a strong bond with her and the twins because they are all married. Karen adds, "and you both have the moral fiber I respect." Smart girl. Don't diss the fiber. If you diss the fiber it will be all about the POOPING (see above). A Dream Is A Wish Your Wallet Makes Cowboy talks about how he gave up his dreams when "the family" came along. He says April told him she'd break up with him if he didn't take the opportunity to go on BB. Adria and Natalie -- Step One: Complain Once the hamsters finally leave HoH, Natalie and Adria begin the many stages of eviction. Step one: Go on a general complaining binge. To date, grievances include: 1. Adria mad that HGs go to NATALIE about HoH stuff. Adria won the shuffleboard game, yo. 2. Nobody talked to Adria all last week because everybody was on a "Jase Vacation" and knew he was going, so figured there was no need for strategizing. 3. The Hamsters are nasty. 4. The Twins are tired of getting compliments. yes, THOSE DAMN COMPLIMENTS. Adria and Natalie -- Step Two: Insane Conspiracy Theories Once the initial phase of complaining is over, it's time to offer up idiotic conspiracy theories amounting to a hill of nothing. Not even beans. Tonight's winner, according to the twins: When Karen and Diane kissed for their Dare, it proved that Karen is a lesbian. The twist is that either there is no "Larry" (Karen's husband), or that Larry is a girl. No, really. That's what they said. Stop laughing. Adria and Natalie -- Step Three: Specific Complaints Once the general complaints have been offered, it's time to zero in on specifics. 1. Marvin -- Well, what ISN'T there to complain about? He stinks. He's a pervert. He has a potty mouth. They are tired of him saying "Hey BABY." 2. Karen -- Only has a repertoire of approximately 3 subjects. Larry, Sex, and how HORRIBLE it was when she was on the block. That word again...HORRIBLE. 3. Will -- Pushes all of Karen's buttons and she does whatever he wants. 4. Nakomis-- Continues to be "freaked" about the twin twist. It's been FOUR DAYS already. They think she should get over it. Adria and Natalie -- Step Four: Insane Conspiracy Complaints Combine general complaints, specific complaints and a conspiracy theory or two in a boiling pot. Stir vigorously and taste. 1. The Tartar Sauce Conspiracy. Someone dared to compliment the twins on making Tartar Sauce. Off with their heads! 2. The Vacuum Conspiracy. Karen went ballistic when one of the twins used the vacuum in the bathroom because that's HER room to clean. Evict her! 3. The Lemon Conspiracy. Karen used a lemon for her lemonade. THE NERVE! Adria and Natalie -- Step Five: The Plan After adding eye of newt and toe of frog, Adria and Natalie finally arrive at THE PLAN. THE PLAN will be to nominate Marvin and Will and evict Marvin. If Marvin or Will wins veto and removes themselves, THE PLAN is to nominate Karen and evict Karen. Undoubtedly, THE PLAN will hold firm until 30 seconds after they wake up this morning. TUNA...Come In, TUNA.