TUNA NEWS WEEKEND EDITION -- JULY 18, 2005

So, well. Yes. Sometimes the weekends are quiet. Sometimes it's YO MAMMA Big Time Wrestling and the Night of a Thousand Fishes. Since Michael and Janelle are both nominated for eviction this week, guess which one it was THIS weekend? TIS A GIFT TOO SIMPLE Eric: "I would love a live eviction tonight. That would be too easy." Rachel: "That would be called "a gift." STOP LOOKING AT ME The "MOM, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!" nonsense started mid-morning on Saturday. Eric tells James and Beau, "He was staring at me!" Eric says that he told Michael, "Nobody intimidates me, so you can sit there and stare at me all day long." STOP TALKING ABOUT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT Eric: "So what I'm telling everybody here and now is that *pound* is that I AM NOT DISCUSSING THIS AGAIN! *pound* This is over *pound* and this is a *pound* dead issue. The only reason I brought it up is because YOU brought it up! ART UNAPPRECIATION So, Michael has an issue with Eric displaying some of the pictures he received as HoH. Michael complains, "He put his picture up on the fridge like it's his house. I am going to tell them to keep them in his room." POV MESS AND A HALF Being Saturday, it was the day for the Veto Competition. Having Purchased the live feeds, one might think one might get an insiders view of said competition. If that is truly what one thinks, then one needs to have one's head examined. The PoV competition went something like this: FISH on all four STILL FISH Wait...is this BB7, Finding Nemo? FISH going on 1 hour FISH Update: 1 hour, 35 minutes We've hit the 2 hour mark, folks FISH - 2 hours, 20 minutes 2+ HOURS OF FISH IS UNACCEPTABLE FISH - 2 hours, 45 minutes STILL FISH -- They must have gotten the Harry Potter Book FISH - 3 Hours, 20 minutes And what happened in the end? Some sort of problem, meaning they'd have to rerun the competition (or at least finish it) on Sunday. Feeling sorry for the hamsters (a silly thing indeed), Big Brother decided to give them the indoor Gym. AND THEN...IT BEGAN 8:11 PM -- BB gives the hamsters alcohol. 8:17 PM -- Eric downing cans of beer and says, "I will DIE before I lose tomorrow!" 8:34 PM -- Eric does an encore of "MOM HE'S LOOKING AT ME" (see above) 8:35 PM -- April says she will not walk Mike to the door when he leaves. 8:37 PM -- Eric is irate with "liquid courage" and declares he'll win tomorrow! 9:37 PM -- Eric plans to not know Michael at the reunion party. 9:39 PM -- Kaysar reports to Michael that Ivette is RAGING. 9:39 PM -- Michael says she attacked my mother, so I attacked her mother. 9:42 PM -- Ivette says "I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna slice him. I need to blow-dry my hair!!" 10:00PM ish -- YO MAMA! NO, YO MAMA! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!! TRANSLATED Though it hardly matters, because "Yo Mamma" is really pretty close: Kaysar comes outside to talk to a raging Ivette who is sitting at the table with Eric. He asks her what's wrong and she starts foaming at the mouth. Mike comes out (out of camera) and most likely LOOKS AT ERIC. (MOM!) The whole, "You gotta problem -- No, do YOU have a problem " tango begins, followed by "Yo Mama, Nuh-Uh...YO Mama," and then allegations of midgetness and the Napoleonic need for overcompensation and the ability to get it AWWWN, and the next thing you know, Eric is turning green, and his clothes are ripping off, and he throws his chair down and goes after Mike. Ivette starts yelling, "Cappy, he's going HOME. He's GOING HOME!" WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? HUH? WHAT HAPPENED NEXT??? Approximately 3 hours of lovely fishies 4 Hour Mark -- Still Fish Fish 5 Hours -- This is NUTS Later reconstruction of events showed that this little event pulled everybody out of bed, including the Executive Producers of the Show. Eric was in the Diary Room for 2.5 hours, and several other houseguests were banned to individual rooms for a time out. James was banished to the HoH room. Ivette was banished to the gym. Everybody was forbidden to talk while they sorted out the mess. Ivette also later complained bitterly that Kaysar was allowed to walk around and talk. MOM, IT'S NOT FAIR! IN THE END Eric stayed. Michael stayed. Eric had to apologize to Michael. Arnold Shapiro (Executive Producer) told everybody to "take their maturity up a notch." (No place to go but...) JAMES - DICTATOR-LITE James has proven to be a wee bit demanding, especially where Sarah is concerned. he tells her to go brush her teeth. Twice. He tells her she is not allowed to eat until she brushes. ZING! Jennifer: "It wouldn't be breakfast if you didn't hear 'I am not going to talk about this anymore' (from Eric) at least five times!" HOWIEISMS Howie: "Anybody talk to Ashlea today?" Howie: "Girls can only reject me for so long!" Howie: "If anybody wants to talk to me about starting an alliance or something, I'll be in my room!" (tagline) Howie is in the bedroom now and the talk has turned to bimbos POV - TAKE TWO The hamsters finished up the PoV competition on Sunday, and James won. Eric, of course, takes all the credit, saying, "I kept telling him to turn the thing upside down!" Spin-doctor Eric also exclaims, "So it was James, then Michael, then Janelle, then Howie, then Rachel, then me. I made top six!" COME ON, PEOPLE NOW SMILE ON YOUR BROTHER EVERYBODY GET TOGETHER GOTTA LOVE ONE ANOTHER RIGHT NOW Despite all the problems of the weekend, once again, it's Kaysar and Howie who see past the differences and find common ground, world peace, tolerance and understanding: Kaysar: "Howie, why do you fart so much??" Howie: "I dunno. Maybe it's the Christian Virgin-Muslim thing. But there are a lot of foods around here..." Kaysar: "You just let it all out when you see me?" Howie: "I dunno. You could be an influential....Laxative of some sort. Maybe like a philosophical, religionosity-type laxative. Your omni-presence with me in a certain proximity to you...I'll tell you right now I've been within 10 feet of you and farted more than anyone in this house combined. Kaysar: "So I'm a catalyst?" Howie: "Catalyst...something in your make-up. Whether it's the sand that you eat, or something that's going on..." Kaysar: "Oh yeah. I had sand for breakfast..." Kaysar: "Hey! Maybe if you grow your hair out a little bit, I can borrow some of your 80's clothes...we could try out for Miami Vice: The Sequel!"