TUNA NEWS -- JULY 16, 2005

Now that Eric is all that and a bag of chips, the line is drawn in the sand, everybody picks sides and it's AWWWWN in the Big Brother House. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? The food competition plays out with the gross food challenge "Snack Shop from Hell." Teams of two choose a menu item, and are served the hell version by a mullet-wigged Eric. Fun included: James & Howie - "Ice Cream Sundae = Iced Clam Sundae" Playing for Beverages. Result: LOSS Beau & Janelle - "Pepperoni Pizza = Pepper-ONLY Pizza" Playing for Breads and Cereals. Result: WIN April & Rachel - "Coconut Cream Pie = Sauerkraut Cream Pie" Playing for Dairy. Result: LOSS Kaysar & Michael - "Tuna Melt = Tuna Malt" Playing for Snacks and Sweets. Result: WIN Maggie & Jennifer - "Chocolate Cake = Chocolate Snake" Playing for Meats. Result: WIN Ivette & Sarah - "Turkey Pot Pie = Turkey Pot POI" Playing for Fruits and Veggies. Result: LOSS BONUS ROUND - Mike & Eric (Eric replaced volunteer Janelle) - "Egg Salad Sandwich = Egg Salad Sardines" Playing for Beer and Wine. Result : WIN Food competition highlights: Howie: (after spewing following his first bite) "Give me peanut butter NOW!" Jennifer: (To Maggie, who wouldn't eat the snake because she's a vegetarian, making Jennifer eat the entire plate) "You'd better NEVER put me up!" Howie: "Jenny! My little snake eater!!" Janelle: (volunteering for the bonus round) "I threw up my pizza, so I'm good!" Eric: (grabbing the attention by bumping Janelle for the bonus round) "Just to let you know, I didn't have to do this..." Howie: (Providing moral support during the bonus round) "C'mon guys, do it for Janie! She needs to be drunk!" Howie: "My ice cream was like going to the Jersey Shore and taking a big bite out of where the water meets the sand!" MUTUAL ADMIRATION SOCIETY It's hard to believe that Eric and Ivette have any time for strategy, since they spend the bulk of their time puffing up Eric's ego. Following the food competition, Eric tells Ivette, "I feel if you have to lead, you lead by example, and that's why I did what I did!" Ivette replies, "Cappy, you're my HERO!" YOU TOO CAN BE HoH IN TWO EASY LESSONS Thinking you'd make a good HoH? Use this recipe when dictating your strategy to others you have no intention of nominating in the first place: 1. Open with a Meaningless Salutation "Tell me your thoughts" 2. Cut to the Chase "You know the deal" "Right now my intentions are..." 3. Justify, Justify, Justify Pick any three: Unstable -- Dangerous -- Hangs out with others -- Outcast -- Scares Me -- Out of Control -- Best for the two of us -- Best for the house -- Gunning for me -- Gunning for you -- Broke my trust 4. Add Side-Deal Leverage and Mix "Next time you win HoH you guarantee me safety" (repeat often) 5. Season with Tired Phraseology I respect (insert name) -- Going to do it straight up -- Gunning for you -- Thinking of the Team -- Lead by Example -- Practice what I preach -- Do my best -- Not deceive people -- Clean slate -- Give it my all -- Clear as the day is long 6. Top with False Modesty "That's all I ask." 7. Serve with Bullshit Sauce Whatever happens today, you are an awesome dude -- Guarantee with my life -- You know how I feel about you -- You have a friend in me -- You and me to the end -- Dude -- Friend for life As for those you DO plan to evict? One sentence is all it takes: "Michael, I don't know WHAT I'm doing at this point." IT NEVER STOPS -- JANELLE Janelle: "I wish I were ugly so girls would stop hating me." Janelle: "That speech was horrible, and to ridicule someone for hanging out with another person is awful." IT NEVER STOPS -- ERIC Eric: "He (Michael) will not live to see another week." Eric: "Let him direct his anger at me. Let it come to me." Eric: "Do not make eye contact with Michael or Kaysar." IT NEVER STOPS, AKA HOWIEISMS Howie: "Rachel, there isn't a girl here I wouldn't bang. Including you." ALL ABOARD THE BITTER BUS -- CHOO! CHOO! Following the extremely UNSURPRISING nominations of Michael and Janelle, the spleen venting went into overdrive. Janelle: "I figured out something. They don't like the smart people here." Kaysar: "If you don't keep your cool, it'll be worse. Be diplomatic. If you bump heads, there will be more force. Michael: "From who?? A midget and a ghetto bird?" ON SECOND THOUGHT... April: "I don't think any of us looks like idiots on the air." April: "I hope I still have a job when I get out." Michael: "I'm not making threats. It's against the rules." Michael: "I'd pick him up by his ankles and hang him out of a 100 story building." Ivette: "Kaysar has betrayed each and every one of us in this house." Ivette: "Not everybody, but a lot of us." HOW INCONSIDERATE! Sarah: "Our comfort level is the most important thing. If we can't be comfortable, we can't strategize!" FINAL WORDS (On hearing the Houseguests constantly calling Eric "Cappy") Michael: "What is he...a dog?"