TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 19, 2004

It's eviction day in the Big Brother House. BB has decided voting will be LIVE tonight, meaning the show will be packed with nail-biting intrigue as we all try to guess...Oh who am I kidding? Voting will be live because Jo-Ann's Fabric and Crafts ran out of padding. What happened last night in the House of the Rising Hamsters? Let's see... ARTS AND CRAFTS In an attempt to surpass the fifth-grade art known as "painting ceramic pigs" the hamsters have a rip roaring session of "M&M art on a plate." Next up: Making sit-upons with plastic and newspapers. STRESS -- THE 15th PLAYER Adria and Natalie critique the HGs (behind their backs, natch). One of them mentions Diane and says, "Did you notice how Diane is always holding her abs? Stress will do that to you." Later, Nakomis and Karen talk outside. Nakomis says everybody else is inside in the kitchen. Karen asks, "Around the island?" Nakomis says, "Yeah, they made that island a major stress point." JESUS -- THE 16th PLAYER Yesterday it was feeds and fishes for the Big Guy in the BB house. Natalie sermonizes that God has plans for everyone. Diane says, "Maybe that's why I'm here." Lightning bolts barely miss her because she is holding her abs. Later, Natalie and Adria talk. Sister Natalie tells Adria that God has always put them up against tough challenges. Sister Natalie then reads a Psalm about staying righteous with the Good people while shunning the bad. Mother Superior Natalie then instructs Adria to pray about the game. God thinks if the two of them hold still, he's got a pretty good shot. GLORY DAYS Cowboy goes on and on about Chasen (April's son) and how Chasen will be the most popular kid in the 2nd grade because Cowboy is on television. Cowboy knows that when he gets back home, he'll be the star of Chasen's class and will probably go in and talk to them. Cowboy is excited because they'll make him cards. Hopefully Chasen's class didn't get the live feeds and won't ask Cowboy to do his "hat trick." BEHOLD, THE POWER OF CHEESE Diane discusses the Diary Room. She complains that they ask her the same thing every day. Without revealing the topic, Diane says, "How would you like it if you didn't like cheese, and all the DR ever asks you about everyday is cheese?" (spam, spam, spam, spam, LOVELY SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM! spam, spam, spam, LOVELY....I DON'T LIKE SPAM!! Bloody Vikings) PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT That Was Monty Python Back There, In Case You Were Confused. GENIE IN A BOTTLE Will asks all the HGs if they had three wishes, what would they be? Aside from all the "world peace" type answers that don't need to clutter the Internet, some more interesting answers were: Cowboy - Wisdom. Karen - A full set of kidneys for Larry. Marvin - His own CBS show called "What Marvin Wants" Nakomis - A purple sky instead of a blue sky. Diane, Will and Drew - All disqualified with three "world peace" answers. Job, money, happiness. Blah blah. Yawn. THE NAME GAME The hamsters tick off names they like and dislike. Drew has seen one too many soap operas, as he lists "Blake," "Brock," "Natalia," and "Alana" as names he likes. Diane says she likes the name "Brooke" (see Survivor 9, Vanuatu). Diane also says she likes "Taylor Landon" or "Landon Taylor". Maybe it's because she could mix them up and nobody would know. Either that, or it reminds her of a retail clothing chain. Nakomis says she likes the name "Victoria" (woot!) but Will says he would shit bricks if somebody called her "Vicki." GreenTuna thinks it's a big improvement over other names siblings might think of. Will and Nakomis are "not cool" with the name Renee. Sorry, all you Renees out there. DAYTIME GABFEST The HGs espouse their love for TiVo and daytime talk shows. Will loves Oprah. Adria likes Montel. Marvin says he loves Maury. He says he likes "that DNA stuff." Marvin adds, "I'll be late to work just to find out if the guy is the daddy." DEEP THOUGHTS Marvin: (After hearing Diane say that she passes out on her own all the time) "I pass out ALL the time. Especially after I've had a few Coronas." Diane: "The Diary Room loves all of us." Cowboy: "Sometams people gets to me cuz thrr not thrrselves, and sometams thrrselves gets to me." (Translated: "Sometimes people get to me because they are not themselves. And sometimes themselves get to me.") (Translated: What?) Adria: (After hearing Cowboy saying he's smart) "Oh yeah. You're very smart. I don't put nothin' past you." (Translated: SNORT)