TUNA NEWS -- JULY 12, 2005

It was a night of insanity at the Big Brother House. Tears, accusations, paranoia, delusional thinking, harassment...and that's just Howie! Where are we and what's going on? Let's meet our cast of characters: INTRODUCING: JENNIFER Little Miss Jennifer appears to be -- somewhat unwillingly and unwittingly -- at the center of the scandal. The girls of the house (read: Ivette and her head nodding minions) have told Jennifer she had better stop the flirting or else the editors will make her out to be a ho, and then her boyfriend will leave her, and her parents will disown her, and she will become a worthless wretch of a human being and die. Somehow, Jennifer is upset by this revelation. Still in all, she manages to toss off these insightful comments: "The world is going to think we're so HOT!" "Let's face it, they put hot, young gorgeous people in here." "But if he's not here (her boyfriend at home) when I get out, well, that's what I came in to find out." INTRODUCING: IVETTE Instigator of hysteria. Mouth that will not stop. Forces other to PRAY. Ivette took a mostly harmless yet perhaps annoying situation with Michael and Jennifer and turned it into World War III. "Mike freaks out. He is Dangerous." "The guy is teetering scariness." "Mike is the ultimate control freak." (POT? Kettle!) "Mike is the type who will blow and WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL DO??" "You have to like his (Mike's) comments, you have to like his food, you have to like when he touches you..." "Mike is a WALKING WEAPON!" (Of what? Pseudo-Intellectual Boredom?) "Girls, I'm going to pray for us. SIT UP!" "In times like this we need to be delivered from evil" (It's not delivery. It's DiGiornio!) "Girls, I just felt the need to do this. We should get together every night and pray. It was necessary. A semi-miracle happened. I really believe in people having the evil eye..." (...and a big mouth) INTRODUCING: ERIC Firefighter. Savior of the world. Has attended SEVERAL sexual harassment seminars. SEVERAL TIMES. Fanner of flames, both real and imaginary. King of Repeating himself in a very repetitive manner. "I walked into the room and I can tell it was uncomfortable. I could feel the tension." (of uncomfortability) "When he left the room, she just fell apart. She just fell apart..." (Let me get this straight, did she...fall apart?) "I will walk out right now. I will pack my things and walk out." "His aggressiveness is escalating. There is no doubt in my mind he is getting more aggressive." (Which by definition means it is escalating) "I told BB I have extensive experience with sexual harassment. I have extensive experience in domestic disputes." INTRODUCING: MICHAEL International Poseur. Pseudo-Intellectual. Lover of hearing himself speak (not an uncommon trait in the BB House). Insensitive towards others (ditto). Kisser of female necks and unwitting target of aforementioned mass-hysteria. "Can I go inside with you (Howie), or is that harassment?" SCANDAL WRAP-UP But in the end were they successful? Were Eric and Ivette able to incite mass panic? Maggie: It's like people in the army who lose it and KILL PEOPLE! April: I'll act like everything is normal. He could go APESHIT if I say ANYTHING! Eric: I'm so concerned about this situation right now, I could just walk out that front door right now, and go back to my family. (Because exiting, stage left, is the way all super-heros save the day) MEANWHILE... Thankfully other things were actually happening in the hamster cage, because how much of this noise can we really take? STRATEGIES ABOUND, OR "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?" Michael: "While they are bickering inside, we'll win the competition." Howie: "While they are busy with their alliances, I'll evict them all!" James: "Sarah should stay until the end because she is weak. She never works out!!!" FATAL ATTRACTIONS Kaysar: "The only chick I attract is Beau." Michael: "Let's face it, the average IQ in here is not that high. I have no interest in any of the girls here now. I thought a couple were cute, but now...throw them to the dogs!" Beau: "Who's your type?" Kaysar: "In general or...? I'm not gonna hook up in here. I'M NOT GAY!" Beau: "I'm your type, right??" WRONG-O! Eric: "It HAS to be evictions tomorrow." James: "We're going to have double evictions this week!" Eric: "This game is supposed to be fun. The whole point is, it's supposed to be fun!" April: "It's a credible network. They're not going to put bad stuff on it." HOWIEISMS Mike: "I'm going to do exactly what Howie does and live in my own world." Howie: "I'm going to be President of the United States one day." Janelle: "What are you looking at the picture wall for?" Howie: "I was thinking of taking your key and sleeping with it." LAST WORDS FROM KAYSAR April: "Remember you said, 'Animals don't have souls.'" Kaysar: "I'm starting to believe people don't, either." Michael: "We should adopt a Howie technique. We should be complete goofballs and annoy people so much..." Kaysar: "I'm pretty sure you're doing that already."