TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 20, 2004

It's the last Monday in the BB5 House. When we last left our heroes, Diane had exactly one minute to pick up the broken pieces of her heart, not to mention her wallet. Cowboy turned I LOVE YOU, MAN into his Friday night anthem, and Drew jumped to the head of the line at the Reality Idiots Convention. You can find him next to the ice sculpture of Colby and Marcellas. What's been happening since the cameras stopped rolling on Friday? WHO SAID IT? #1. "I'm starting to think our families are already here." #2. "We are such fine specimens of the human male." #3. "We gotta look good for Julie, don't we?" #4. "We are gonna be studs when we get out" #5. "I don't think it will be as bad as last year. They didn't even want to vote." #6. "It's going to be like facing a firing squad." #7. "Jesus is not a wimp" #8. "Marvin's not going to vote for me! He thinks I'm racist!" #9. "Funny, funny Big Brother. Everything is peanut butter and jelly." #10. "I'm ready for politics now." (Drew=1, 2, 6, 7, 9 ~~~ Cowboy=3, 4, 5, 8, 10) BRING ME A SHRUBBERY Seeing his BB fame coming to a close, Cowboy starts planning his next career move. He says, "I'm ready for politics now" but quickly adds, "Actually, I still want my sitcom first." Cowboy also tells Drew that April would like to run for office, and perhaps be Governor. RESUME BUILDER Forgetting one tiny detail called THE INTERNET, Cowboy swears Drew to secrecy when he reveals he used to be a High School Mascot. He was BIG WILLY WILDCAT and he shared the responsibility with another high school senior. He says, "That's why I can do toe touches." REAL REALITY TELEVISION Cowboy admits, "If I don't get my sitcom and only 50-grand, I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to go back to work." Awww. Stand in line, buddy. RUNAWAY JURY Saturday night Cowboy and Drew had to face questions from the Jury. The jury could see them (via plasma screen), but they could not see the jury. The questions were as followed: Will asked Cowboy and Drew to look at each other and tell them why they shouldn't win. Adria asked Drew what was his strategy in regards to the jury. Marvin called Cowboy racist and Drew a womanizer. Karen asked Cowboy why he voted out Nakomis. Diane told Drew his goodbye wasn't sincere and told Cowboy he didn't do jack shit in the game. POST-JURY AFTERGLOW, COWBOY STYLE Cowboy is really upset about Diane and Marvin's comments. He says, "I know I'm not getting Diane's vote, but you don't gotta drill me like that. And Marvin, he's not gonna vote for me because he thinks I'm racist. My mother would slap me dead." A distressed Cowboy mutters, "I don't think I'm gonna get my own sister's vote." Maybe it's because you voted her out of the house? POST-JURY AFTERGLOW, DREW STYLE Drew cannot let go of the thought of Marvin and Diane together. Alone (As alone can be with five other hamsters). In the sequester house of ill repute. Marvin told Drew that he (Drew) had tore Diane's heart out and Marvin would be there to help her through it. For the remainder of the weekend, Drew's sole topic of conversation was Marvin and Diane. Cowboy helps Drew out by continually bashing Diane and then talking about himself and his hard decisions. Oh, and he's not racist either. And he's poor. Did I mention he wants a sitcom? SO THIS IS LOVE? Still bothered by Diane's comments, Drew wonders how his goodbye wasn't sincere. "What was I supposed to say? I love you...I'll eat your puke?" Cowboy asks Drew what he said to Diane. Drew tells him, "I said 'I hope we hang out after the show' and stuff." (Who wouldn't be moved by that?) PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! BB sends Cowboy and Drew to the Storage Room, and inside they find a huge gift basket full of PB&J related items: Peanut Butter Cups, Jelly Beans, Peanut Butter cookies, Skippy snack bars, PB&J lollipops...and Beer. GOVERNMENT 101 Cowboy tells Drew, "There is an age for President. 46, I think." (bzzzzz) Drew says, "I thought it was 24 or something." (bzzzzz) Cowboy says, "That's for State Representative. Could be Governor...Could maybe possibly be 30." (bzzzzzzzzzzz) I don't know. I know in Government, I slept through it. But I'm running for State Representative, then Governor, then the White House, and tell a million people I'm not racist!" COWBOY: THIS IS YOUR LIFE Cowboy gives Drew the rundown of his life. Age 17 Vice President of "The Explorers" -- A Future police officers club. Age 18-19 Volunteer Firefighter. Search and rescue. Storm spotter. Age 19 Got married. Still volunteer firefighter. Age 20 Moved to Colorado. Worked in loss-prevention. The boss wanted to send me to speech class and English class. Put in notice to move back to Oklahoma. Age 21 Divorce. EMT School. Subsequently let EMT license lapse. Started working at Wal-Mart. April's mom worked at Wal-Mart and got her and Cowboy together, "Even though she knew I had screwed two other girls at Wal-Mart. She knew I was a good guy. A Christian guy." PARTING SHOTS FROM THE 6-SHOOTER Cowboy: "That's where I am at today because of my hard work and discipline. I feel this place has made me a better man." Cowboy: "Every jury is different, and we have a weird one." Cowboy: "Well, I think you have a good chance against me, so congratulations!" Cowboy: "Acting will let me be myself!" Cowboy: "I am not dumb. I am more street smart than book smart." Cowboy: "We will be like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon!"