TUNA NEWS -- JULY 8, 2005

Welcome to another season of Big Brother 6 inspired Tuna News, where you are provided a run down -- free of charge -- of the happenings in the Big Brother house. The information is culled from a variety of sources, then shaken, stirred and splashed all over the Internets just for you. Yesterday was Opening Night for our hamsters. As rodent-watchers everywhere struggle to put names with bikinis, what happened in the Big Brother House? BEST RECAP TAGLINES Taglines are supposed to entice you to read a post. Were these successful? You be the judge. Howie in Hottub explaining his philosophy of life Beau telling a story about a run-in with a possum Eric is getting cranky Eric asks: Can I eat mustard? Gumball machine in the kitchen Janelle is drinking her fifth glass of red wine Janelle snorted and wine came out of her nose Farting contest on feed 1 KEEP YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES Rachel says according to the BB Manual, it is illegal to lean over the rail. Considering how well the hamsters follow the rules, I give them a week before somebody goes over the falls. DELUSIONS START EARLY AROUND THESE PARTS Sarah, Ashlea and Beau talk about how this years crop of Hamsters are the HOTTEST EVAH. Yeah. I never heard that one before. Janelle says that Big Brother doesn't show them smoking because it's bad (mmmmKay?) so she doesn't think the cameras are on them right now. ANOTHER SEASON, ANOTHER SITCOM Ashlea and Sarah diss-cuss Howie, saying that bringing him home to meet the parents would be a great April Fool's Day joke. They agree that he'd be perfect for My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee. INTRODUCING: HOWIE Howie. Howie. Howie. Howie gonna last an entire summer with you? Howie prefers a gorgeous 30-year old to a 20-year old who eats paste. Howie is fascinated by animals and weather, but doesn't want to be "bit by gators." Jennifer says she just "blurs Howie out now." Michael says Howie's favorite word is "I." His second favorite word is "me." Howie employs his famous Dr. Seussian dating advice, saying, "I'll make some moves on her in a couple weeks. Persistance breaks down resistance." SUMMER OF SECRETS The motto for this season is "The Summer of Secrets." Hopefully they have some more secrets on the back-burner, because it has taken the Hamsters all of one day to figure out what's going on. Ivette tells Maggie, "There's too many of us who have a common understanding, like Michael and Kaysar. Later, Sarah and James whisper together, immediately giving up the fact that they are a pair. James says something "clicked" regarding Rachel and Howie. They think Janelle and Ashlea are a pair. James angrily whispers "we have to get rid of one of them...just think about it" several times to Sarah and then demands to get into the Diary Room. INTRODUCING: THE GUMBALL MACHINE Well, it's no Creeping Terror, but nonetheless, a large pedestal-stand gumball machine appears in the kitchen. Eric thinks it looks suspicious. He speaks the obvious, saying, "There's something going on with that. They wouldn't just put that there for nothing." Kaysar spends a great deal of time pondering its existence and wondering what it all means. Not exactly a Magic 8-ball, Kaysar thinks the gumball machine holds the key for the upcoming Power of Veto competition. INTRODUCING: MICHAEL Michael appears to be smitten with Janelle, who is quite skilled at whipping him at chess. An international playah (tm Jee), Michael tells Janelle, "I like the birthmark your birthmark. It looks like Gorbachev's head. DUH Kaysar says he is beginning to see that there are a lot of weird people under this roof. PARTING WISDOM Howie: Hate is the closest thing to love. Kaysar: Where do you learn this wisdom from? Howie: Dictionaries. Kaysar: Fortune cookies? Howie: Yes, I learn from that. Kaysar: Cereal boxes? Howie: Of course....Women, dating, sex, Kung-Fu..... Hey, that was fun. Would you like another helping of Tuna?