TUNA NEWS -- JULY 14, 2005

It's eviction day in the Big Brother House! The votes have been cast in secret, and Janelle is the only person who has let hers slip (sorry Kaysar). What was the news in Hamster Haven? Did Howie manage to keep it clean for 24-hours? (No) 24 minutes? (No) PIG-STYE GATE 2005 You could set your watch to these people. Every year we have to have slob-gate, and then the post slob-gate blowup. This year's cast of characters include: Eric, starring as the ever suffering cook, maid and laundry service provider, and everybody else starring as the inconsiderate pigs that they are. Eric says we wants to call a meeting so he can "not single anyone out." Maggie strongly urges Eric not to make the "stop being pigs" announcement. MEET APRIL April is an enigma wrapped in a carton of cigarettes that she doesn't smoke. April is part butt-coverer ("If you leave and hear things (we've said about you) you've got to forgive one another"), part tough girl ("I feel like somebody's bitch, and I'm not getting paid"), part delusional fameseeker ("maybe I'll get a cigarette ad out of this"), part realist ("Oh, who wants to see us talk about butt sex on TV?") and all skinny ("They called me Olive Oyl in High School") HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS Ahh, Sarah and James. Young. In love. So cute. So sweet. So All-American... So: Sarah: Did you year that world? James, my boyfriend, is a big asshole. James: You know that I love you. Sarah: Until I get fat. James: Yeah. Sarah: What about when I have babies? James: You'll have a couple of weeks. Sarah: You're so mean. I am not having your babies. James: OK. No fat chicks. Sarah: I love you. James: I love you a lot, Dumb Butt. KICK 'EM WHEN THEY'RE DOWN James: Ashlea is like a tumor that just attaches to you and you can't get rid of. Howie: One of Ashlea's bathing suit bottoms looks like a carwash. James: Ashlea has been gone for a week, but she's still here! Ivette: They won't do an Internet chat until House Guests people actually like get kicked out. They wouldn't do it for a loser like Ashlea. James: If Ashlea is such a germophobe, how can she leave her shoes out? Let's throw broken glass in them! BIG BROTHER IS MR. CRANKY PANTS BB: THIS IS A WARNING: It is against the rules of the BB competition to discuss your votes. BB: STOP SAYING *blee (edited for content) eeeep* BB: Maggie, Sarah....STOP THAT! (using sign language) CURRENT EVENTS On a somewhat serious note, James, Eric and Kaysar have a sometimes heated discussion regarding the Iraq war. Despite the usual right-wing and left-wing rhetoric, Kaysar comes out with some important statements. Kaysar: First of all, let me tell you that it is not deeply ingrained in our culture to go out and kill yourself to kill people. Kaysar: I think that the idea of freedom is not just giving them MTV After a long, passionate argument, perhaps the best comment came from James: James: That was one of the best conversations I've ever had. WHOOPS - TAKE ONE It's hard keeping secrets. Just ask James. When Sarah was throwing coasters at him, he got annoyed and yelled "SARAH BETH, STOP!!" Howie, Kaysar and Jennifer instantly looked up. Howie repeated, "Sarah Beth...?" James realized he slipped. WHOOPS - TAKE TWO Janelle lets it slip that she voted for Kaysar. Howie says, "You can't tell anybody about that!!" HOWIEISMS (tagline) Howie is offering free breast exams-um-while everyone is eating! Howie: Don't grow a beard, you'll look like an Arab! Kaysar: I am an Arab! Howie: If we were the only people left on earth, would you do me? Janelle: No. Howie: Really? What if this was our last day on earth? Janelle: No. Howie: I'm mad at you Janie Janelle: I'm mad at you, Howie. Howie: I'm not going to talk to you for an hour, Janie. Janelle: I'm not going to talk to you for TWO hours! Howie: Nothing personal, but I'm putting up Michael and Eric, because I can't beat Michael at Foosball, and I can't beat Eric in coasters! THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY THAT AREN'T Considering this crew, you know it's going to be a short list... James: I'm going to ride Eric all the way. I hope! Kaysar: I'm going to my happy place. UPCOMING ALLIANCES A backyard patio alliance was formed for week two. Eric, Maggie, Rachel, Howie, April, Jennifer, Ivette and Sarah all agree to not nominate each other next week. Beau and James (not present during the agreement) are also accepted into the BY10. For those playing along, that leaves Michael, Janelle and Kaysar swinging in the wind. LAST WORDS James: April? Right or Left? April: Huh?? James: The foot I'm going to put in your ass for all the shit talking. James: So Sarah, you going to wait until week 8 to work out? Sarah: I worked out yesterday! Do I look like Hell? Do I look ok? Eric: You look like trailer trash. James: Trailer trash with nice sunglasses. Janelle: Do you think Kaysar would actually date me? Ashlea: He couldn't afford you. Michael: I will not make any gestures that could be interpreted as sexually inappropriate. I will not smother my nose in a girl's neck and go *SNORT* anymore. I will only refer to women as 'the opposite sex.' Rachel: I'm glad you told me, because I'm planning to do all of that!