TUNA NEWS -- JULY 15, 2005

At the end of Week 1 in the Big Brother House, it's Crashing Boredom, 13, Ashlea 0. It was no big surprise that THE PRETTIEST girl in the BB house got bounced out on her own implants. Well Ashlea, that's the price THE PRETTIEST girls have to pay. Meanwhile, what else happened on the day THE PRETTIEST girl was evicted? Let's see! HIGHER MATH Eric tells April, "We have a 75% chance of one of us winning POV and HoH. Actually, we have a higher shot, because I don't think Janelle can rub two brain cells together. If that's the case, we've got an 85% shot." (Editor's note: Two finalists in the HoH competition? Eric...and Janelle) AND THE CRANKY PANTS AWARD GOES TO.... Ivette: "He is going to ride camels back to Iraq" Ivette: "Him and all his Muslim bullcrap. I'm not going to lower myself to that." Ivette: "I'll bet my ass that if Kaysar, Michael or Janelle get it (HoH), I'm going up, because I won't lower myself to them." Ivette: "Give the Gold Room to the dirt bags." Ivette: "What Janelle doesn't know what's gonna save her is we have a Muslim kook and a Psycho." AND A HEAPING HELPING OF IRONY Ivette: "I have yet to say anything bad about anybody else. Anything I have to say, I say to their faces." GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN After the live show and eviction, Eric and James talk about Ashlea. James says, "Ashlea was a pig. A HUGE pig." Eric asks, "Did you see how much food she ate? I told them she wouldn't keep her mouth shut from now to the moment she walked out the door." IRON CHEF HAMSTER Maggie eats cream cheese and olive sandwiches. She says they are good. Howie says, "Bad news guys, in about two hours someone is gonna be eating PB&J." Michael makes sushi. James says, "He just poisoned us is what he did." HoH CHANGE-OVER Eric wins the HoH competition by correctly answering such mind bending questions as: True or False? When the blue surfboard team lost the food competition, they had to eat yams for an entire week. His HoH room was filled with family pictures, his fire department wallet badge, an inflatable pool raft, beer and a James Taylor CD. INTRODUCING: ERIC THE FATHER FIGURE The Hamsters get ready for the live show. Ivette comes out and puts on some very short shorts ("Daisy Dukes") with a tank top. Eric takes one look at her and tells her, "Go change right now. The last outfit looked nice and classy. Go back there and take off the hoochie mama clothes." INTRODUCING: ERIC THE KING OF STRATEGERIE Eric "spins his web" (his words) for the upcoming nominations. He tells Maggie and Ivette, "I'm going to put Janelle and Michael up. I'm going to tell Michael he is a pawn. But little does he know (This is the super secret web spinning part) HE isn't the pawn. Instead of voting out Janelle, We vote out HIM." Wow. Strategerie. INTRODUCING: ERIC THE OVER-INFLATED EGOMEISTER Eric: "If Janelle things she is going to come in here and use that (HoH) bathroom, she's got another thing coming." Eric: "After he (Michael) leaves, I am going up to Janelle and telling her I saved her ass." Eric: "Rachel took care of me (last week), I am going to take care of her." Eric: "The girls want Michael gone. A lot of the women feel he is not the most stable person in the house." INTRODUCING DEAD HAMSTER WALKING: MICHAEL True, he hasn't even been nominated yet, but Michael is already on an accelerated course to next weeks Chenterview of the newly evicted. Even Kaysar knows his alliance of Michael, Janelle and Kaysar are woefully short of voting members. As for everybody else in the house? Jennifer: "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I just want to slit his throat." Rachel: "I am SO flabbergasted...I am SO flabbergasted by his behavior and his demeanor." April: "It's because we pay more attention to Howie." Kaysar: "The first thing I thought of is that Michael needs to get his crap together because people think he is a nutcase." HOWIEISMS Howie: "If I would have farted during the HoH competition, I would have won!" Howie: (coming out of the bathroom) "That was good! I feel like I gave birth!" Howie: "Most gay guys love my butt." Beau: "Nuh Uh!" Howie: "Oh, we had to have the one BLIND gay guy here." Howie: (after Janelle invites him to sleep in her bed) "Praise God! I will go to church for the rest of my life!" THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT SARAH Maggie and Eric do some power whispering about Sarah. Maggie tells Eric that when he explained his "spinning the web" strategerie, Sarah said, "Well, it looks like, so much for the honest people," implying that Eric would be lying to Mike about his pawnness. Maggie also tells Eric that she is pretty sure Sarah has figured out they (Eric and Maggie) are together. Eric says he will strong arm speak to Sarah alone tomorrow. THE PRETTY GIRL DEFENSE Now that Ashlea, THE PRETTIEST GIRL is gone, Janelle picks up the "don't hate me because I'm beautiful drum" and bangs it loudly. Janelle starts by complaining about Ivette. "What should I say? That I am very scared of Ivette because she is such a big powerful woman? She said she looks like Selma Hayak. Yeah...Selma on crack and 50 pounds overweight! She is so ghetto, just the way she talks and acts, and her hair." Kaysar pointedly tells Janelle that he is not gunning for Ivette because of her appearance. Janelle whines, "But they are doing it to me!" Kaysar says, "I don't want to get involved in this cattiness." Janelle hits it out of the park with the ever-popular, "Girls never like me." Boo freaking hoo. PARTING POT-SHOTS Ivette: "Howie, if you were to clean up that mouth, you'd be the ideal man." James: (as Ivette struggles to blow up the HoH raft) "Let the woman with the most hot air take care of it." Kaysar: "Howie, when you're not being perverted, you're actually a really cool guy." Kaysar: "I feel like I'm leading an army of crackheads. They all got issues." Kaysar: "Howie is like my big retarded friend." Kaysar: "Are you thinking?" Janelle: "Yes." Kaysar: "Come up with any bright ideas? Because if you aren't coming up with any bright ideas it is pointless to think." Howie: "I'm not sure I could get the veto for you then." Janelle: "Remember our alliance?" Howie: "Oh yeah. BOOBIES!" (tagline) Howie just stripped to his undies to get in the hot tub with Janelle! (tagline) Howie clears the hot tub