TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 14, 2004

Welcome to a slightly later (thank goodness one of my students was sick today) edition of the TunaNews. It's eviction night in the BB household. Who will stay and who will go? Will Cowboy be able to make his very, very VERY hard decision? Did he tell you it was a HARD DECISION? Will Cowboy live the rest of his life in a CAPS LOCK LEANED OVER kind of way? KLEPTOMANIACS 'R US The hamsters discuss what they'd like to take from the house. Cowboy likes the pear scultpure. Drew likes the multiple-face sculpture. Nakomis prefers the green hammock of incessant rocking, plotting and pinky swearing. Cowboy decides to trade in his pear sculpture for door number three and says he would rather have the BowFlex. Later he decides he would like to have the hot tub. Nakomis deadpans, "I'm sure there's an inch of slime on it." THINGS THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN Cowboy thinks BB should provide one hour of music per day for the HGs. He thinks each hamster should be allowed to make a couple requests and BB could be the DJ. And then BB would arm squadrons of flying pigs and monkeys with deadly anvils and orders to strike immediately. THIS IS THE MOMENT Cowboy decides to make his big announcement that says essentially...nothing. He announces at the dinner table that he has made his decision, but he cannot reveal his decision...EVEN TO DREW! (How difficult this must be for Cowboy. How horribly hard and difficult and...difficult) Cowboy says, "I wisht I had three golden vetos, but I only got one." Cowboy tells the nominated hamsters (who suffer not nearly as much as he does because he has a HARD decision to make) that he doesn't have a calculator handy to add up bills, but he knows everybody needs the money. He hopes everyone will respect his decision (and the hardness of it, therein). CRAFTS! BB, in a moment of weakness, gives the HGs crafts. Today's fun is making soap. Nobody is particularly good at it, except Nakomis. Best moment of craft time? As the hamsters were cleaning up, Diane said, "At least this stuff comes off easy." Nakomis looks at her and says, "Well...it is SOAP." THINGS WE WISH WOULD HAPPEN Nakomis tells Diane, "If I hear the phrase, 'This is really a hard decision' one more time, I'm going to beat his head in with a spoon! Diane laughs and says, "What are you going to say tomorrow during your speech?" Nakomis says, "Dad's gonna be mad if you don't veto me!" CURRENT EVENTS 101 Cowboy says, "We didn't do anything today for September 16th." Then he stops and says, "No. September 11th. Today is the 12th (which it wasn't), so yesterday was the anniversary." Nakomis asks, "It's been a year?" Cowboy says, "Two years." Drew says, "No. Three years." Cowboy exclaims, "You're right! It was three years! I was married to my ex-wife then." REVISIONIST HISTORY Diane: I've NEVER kissed ass before. (pause) Diane: Well, maybe once in college, to get a grade changed. REALITY TV MATH 101 Cowboy worries that if he keeps Diane in the game (after making his HARD DECISION) that she'll get too cocky. Mr. Pots and Kettles says, "Not 50% cocky. I mean 100% cocky!!" Gah. That's the worst kind. REALITY TV GEOGRAPHY 101 Drew and Cowboy discuss gambling in Canada. He tells Cowboy you take a bridge to Canada, not a boat, because Canada is not in Europe. Well, technically, Drew-boy, you could take a boat to Canada. The bridge passes over water, not a lake of boiling lava. BAD IDEAS Diane plans to "call out" Cowboy tomorrow on live TV. She wants to point out how she saved Cowboy from eviction last week, and they had a promise. Although Diane has promised to take Cowboy to the final two, she plans NOT to keep that promise, saying, "I will take great pleasure in getting rid of him." She and Drew lament not getting rid of Cowboy earlier. They plan for the final HoH competition, thinking Cowboy will lose first, and once he is out (of the supposed endurance competition) Drew will relinquish HoH to Diane and she can win for the final week.