TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 15, 2004

When we last left our three stooges, they were perched on the production set inspired by the Craft store clearance sale of Styrofoam boulders. Standing on two black posts and holding a key, the hamsters prepared for hours upon hours of grueling competition. As a surprise to exactly no one, the set starts a-heavin' and a-shaking. Who will win Round One of the final HoH competition? How long will Cowboy last before he sings verse 96 of 'My decision was HARD. It was a HARD DECISION. DECISION. HARD. IT WAS.' Will Cowboy finally get his letter from home? Will Diane be able to win despite her lack of anatomy for this balls-out competition? LONG-ASS GRUELING ENDURANCE COMPETITION (READERS DIGEST VERSION) 7:00 Competition Begins 7:17 Cowboy is out 7:46 Diane is out *snort* ENDURANCE COMPETITION - HAMSTER VERSION 7:03 Diane Diane says "I can't breathe." Hope springs eternal for recappers everywhere. Guess she shouldn't have eaten that second potato-chip. 7:06 Cowboy Cowboy doesn't understand the rules. He thinks he can continue to hold onto the key using upper body strength (now he levitates?) without his feet touching the ground. "Suppose the platform is shaking and we fall, but our feet don't hit the ground, and you still manage to hold onto your key and reposition yourself, does that count?" BB says, "Yes, if you can manage that." 7:08 Cowboy Cowboy doesn't understand anything. Now he asks if the Internet is watching the competition. BB says, "yep." 7:13 Cowboy Cowboy feels like he is going to bust, so he finally says, "IT WAS A HARD DECISION." 7:17 COWBOY IS OUT. What an idiot. It seems Cowboy was "helping Diane with her hair" and his foot slipped off. Diane puts her apologies on autoplay, and promise Cowboy she'll buy him something nice from Amazon when she gets home. Don't forget to throw in a case of Turtle-Wax and some Rice-a-Roni (The San Francisco Treat). Cowboy tells her it wasn't her fault. Diane says it was 50% her fault. Evidently what happened was Cowboy was helping her with one hand, but forgot to hold onto the key with the other hand. Oh, those pesky rules. 7:30 Diane Once Cowboy goes out and goes inside, Diane says, "I feel a little guilty but not too much." Then Diane and Drew start speed bargaining. Diane asks, "You wanna just let go and let me take it?" She adds, "I promise you I'll take you. I. PROMISE. You." 7:35 Drew The set starts shaking again. Drew yells, "Is that all you got?? Bring it ON!" The center post holding the keys starts to move downward. Poor Diane. First she complains that her hands are slippery because she put lotion on them before the competition. Then she says, "My jeans are too tight for me to do this. If this keeps on there is a good chance you are going to see my ass-crack." 7:38 Diane Diane asks if she can kiss Drew. Drew yells, "NO!" Diane says, "it's part of my strategy." The set starts shaking again. Diane yells, "It's like a really big vibrator." mmmYeah. Couldn't see that one coming. So to speak. 7:46 DIANE IS OUT. DREW WINS PART 1 Diane falls off less than a minute after 1. Drew agrees to throw the competition and give it to her, and 2. She declares herself to be the Queen of Endurance, saying "No one can beat me." Karma crawls out from under a rock and congratulates himself on a job well-done. POST COMPETITION WRAP-UP Cowboy: "I know that competition was made for me, and I messed up." Diane: "The next part (of the HoH competition) is "smart" and I'm not smart!" Diane: (To Drew) "I want you to give me the final HoH so I can vote Cowboy out! I can't wait! I'll tell him he backed me into a wall and made me do things I didn't want to do." Cowboy: (To Drew) "The horsemen in the final two! I know whichever one of us wins, Diane will be bullshitting us to take her to the final two!" Drew: (To himself) "I'm going to win HoH and the WHOLE THING!"