TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 1, 2003

Mr. Robert's Neighborhood Robert knows everybody. Robert lives in LA. Robert knows singers. Robert knows movie stars. Robert knows athletes. Robert knows millionaires. Studio 54 guy? Yep, him too. Stoats, goats, tough kids, sissy kids, kids who climb on rocks. Everybody. But why, if Honkbert knows everyone, doesn't he know a decent otorhinolaryngologist (ears-nose-throat)? I'm just saying. Please don't Squeeze the Charmin Jun and Dana dare each other what to do if they are evicted. Jun says Dana has to squeeze Jee's butt with both hands. Dana says Jun has to squeeze Nathan's butt with both hands. Grab Your #2 Pencil The Hamsters continue to study inane facts that they will never be asked for POV competition. How many fire extinguishers in the house? Duck colors for the billionth time, Michelle's High School, The score of Duckball, What clothes Dave brought to the house, Poor Grandma never gets any action A lovely conversation between Dana and Jee. Dana tells him if he gets evicted, she might kiss him. Jee: Would be a "nice" kiss? Dana: I'm not going to give you the tongue. My fucking grandmother is going to be watching. Quotable Quotes for $200 Nate "It's scary. I hate depending on my brain." Ali "Why is she belittling me? What good are personal attacks (pots and kettles, ahoy!) Justin "So you think I have a bubble butt? Dana thinks I have a bubble butt and it makes me self-conscious. Dana "My friends say I look like Lisa (from BB3)." SNERK Justin asks Jun about her boyfriend, Bob. "Is he Korean?" Jun "No, he's Irish." Jun's Super Secret Plan Jun is going to start winning tomorrow! Jun is going to cut her nails! Jun is going to put her hair up in a ponytail! Jun is going to put Vaseline all over her face! Jun is going to win! Win! WIN! Words fail me at this point. Cut her nails? --Well, ok, that might help if your talons are particularly long. Hair in ponytail? --Sure, you might be able to see better. Vaseline all over her face? --Hubbawha? Missing Dave. Day 2 Jack tells Ali that Dave brought an inflatable monkey and a red wig into the house. Dave was hoping Julie would ask to "see Dave's Monkey." Sensitivity Classes for Everyone Jun asked Ali the nationality of her boyfriend. Ali said he was a "Red Man." Jun says she doesn't understand why they stopped using that term. Later, Jun relates to the Stooges that Ali said when she and her boyfriend were talking about "family trees", Ali said they would have to make a "family tepee." Next up? White bread vs. wheat bread. Jun teases Dana and asks her why she has to pick on the "white bread eaters." Dana doesn't like her PB&J on wheat, and gets (alltogethernow) pissed awf when the non-PB eaters use the white bread, so there is none left for the PB eaters. Think we're done? Hell no. Robert says Cubans don't like spicy food. Cubans don't eat chili. And to round out the conversation, Jee calls Justin a "dirty little wop." Justin says he prefers "greasy wop" better, so Jee calls him a gwop. Cleopatra, Queen of Denial Ali tells Nate about her fling with Dave. Nothing happened. He rubbed her belly, that was all. Ali is upset because she thinks her boyfriend is going to think that more happened than that. She says the only way she'll get her boyfriend back is if she wins the $500k. Now, if I were said boyfriend, I am not sure which would be more insulting. The fact that Ali thinks he is a moron, or that she thinks he is so materialistic, he will only stay with her for cash. Starting.......now! Dana "I guess it's time to go to bed and be miserable for the rest of my life." Jun "I'm gonna go into full drama queen mode tonight." Parting Shots Jack "When Dana sees my DR entries, she is going to send some Italians after him." Dana "I can win that fucking POV competition. When I do, I'm going to use the veto medal to choke Nathan. Jack compares reasoning with Dana to "using a squirtgun on an elephant." Jee "I don't like older women. Well, maybe a little older, but not like, over 30.