TUNA NEWS -- JULY 20, 2004

All the news that's fit to line your birdcage. Yes, we have it right here. It's the overnight edition of the Tuna News! Did anything happen while we were in therapy trying to wipe out the horrifying memories of yesterday? Let's check our friends at Joker's Updates House Violation Yahtzee! This goes back to mid-afternoon. The hamsters were put on outdoor lock-down. When Scott went outside he threw something at one of the cameras, and just barely missed it. Soon, he was called to the DR. The guys guess that he is being reprimanded for the "umpteenth time." They wonder if he'll get a penalty nomination, and if they will have the numbers to "get the job done." Ultimately, Scott wasn't thrown out. He mentioned "23 house violations" but it was difficult to tell if he was kidding or not. Jase said, "What are the violations? I mean, obviously throwing shit, but what else?" Scott said, "They just said, freaking out in the backyard..." and then it went to FISH ... Sixteen Candles It's Scott's birthday. Happy Birthday Scott! Scott asks BB for strippers and beer. They laugh and say hell, no. Karen bakes another peanut butter pie. Make a wish, Scott! Make a wish! Scott says, "OK. I wish to have sex tonight!" Marvin says, "Not unless it's with yourself." Someone adds, " I don't know, Drew's got that spark in his eye!" To Dream the Impossible Dream Cowboy says he turned down one of his dreams to be on BB. Cowboy says he was going to be a ... Lifeguard! He trained for three months, but said this was bigger. Calling the Sloganator Scott has come up with a motto for the horsemen. Editorially speaking, its lameness is vast...surpassing all BB5 hairstyles and mandanas (don't say I didn't warn you): When luck is gone and the brain is shot, the 4 horseman we still got." Show Me The Money Scott admits to hamster number two (the first being Marvin) that he really doesn't have a lot of money. Scott admits that he was a sales rep for Pitney-Bowes and made about $28k a year. Scott says, "I came in here thinking I'd have this strategy, telling everyone I make all this money and i'm here just for the fun...but then i met you guys and it all changed." Scott then backs up the "I need the money" thing with stories of relatives that live in trailer parks and own gas stations. No Such Thing as a Sure Thing Cowboy mentions that he has been cheated on. Scott says he's NEVER been cheated on. Cowboy adds, "That you know of. Scott says, "No man, I know." Notable Quotables Scott: "I don't know WHAT Holly said. She speaks alien English." Cowboy: "No I don't want to do Playgirl. I mean I've gone streaking and stuff, but no Playgirl." Scott: "The 4 horsemen are "plotinizeing" and stuff." A few more updates from TV Clubhouse Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Pipe Karen plots Holly's demise. She says, "I tried to have a nice conversation with her [because] you never know when you are going to need a vote. I would just like to bludgeon her to death with a blunt instrument...If I keep feeding her cookies, I'll make her really fat." Calling Dr. Phil Marvin discusses the difficulties of being single. He says, "When I don't have anybody, that is all I think about, and they always tell you if you stop looking you'll find them. How in the f* am I gonna find em if I stop looking?" Please Make It Stop Jase and Holly get ready for bed. Jase says, "I am just glad to have his cuddle-monkey back." Guess the veto worked.