TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 3, 2004

Good morning and welcome to yet another edition of the Tuna News, complete with capitol letters, actual recapping and 25% more grammar. When Big Brother finally let the alcohol flow last night, was it Hamsters Gone Wild? Let's see! First, the overnight news from Joker's Updates I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt ...And everything else last night, as it seems the hamsters spent a great deal of time in their birthday suits. BB had to pull out his (stop it!!) Lifeguard Whistle and change the canned message from Remember Houseguests, it only takes 440 laps to swim one mile in the Big Brother Pool to Stop Running. Slow Down. You! Stop. Running!" Great Quotes from Naked Night: Diane, in response to Jase wanting to make an "impressive" showing, says, "How much smaller can it get?" Marvin, in reference to Cowboy the hairy wonder, says, "He's so bushy, he has dreadlocks." Eric The Half-A-Beer Scott says he and Cowboy are going to go to Vegas after the show, but he worries about Cowboy. He tells Drew that half a beer set Cowboy off tonight. Drew says, "Imagine him Really Drunk!" It's My Party, And I'll Cry If I Want To Karen complains to Marvin that when BB doles out the booze, they (she and Marvin -- the non-drinkers) don't get any soda. She says, "I feel like the kid without a balloon at the birthday party." How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away? Diane regrets inviting the crew in for an HoH slumber party. She tells Scott that Marvin has taken her bed hostage and she can't get him to leave. Scott says, "Just tell him the party's over." Change of Tune Karen and Marvin have a late-night chat session. Because Marvin has been nominated again, he sings another go-round of "Life Ain't Fair in the Big Brother House." The verses include it's slanted against me -- the women always win -- Cowboy has extra help because he has a sister in the house -- He does nice things for people -- Other people don't need the money -- The win always win (again). What ever happened to "it's just a game, and being nominated is a sign of respect" ?? I'm The Mole! Cowboy scurries back to Scott and Jase and reports that (gasp!) Karen is (gasp!!) talking (gasp!!!) to...MARVIN! Cowboy has his undies in a bundle -- but at least they are on his body again. Yeesh -- as he angrily says something about "trying to keep Marvin in the game!" You Must Remember This... Drew and Diane have a little talk about Drew's girlfriend back home. Or not girlfriend. The story is, it's someone he dated before the show, and might date again after the show. A Kiss Is Just A Kiss... Diane is now very upset. She feels she's in "too deep" now, and regrets starting anything with Drew. A Sigh Is Just A Sigh... Diane dons her sackcloth and ashes and starts beating herself up over the whole situation. She calls herself stupid. She says she is probably only 1/3 as intelligent as Drew, so that might be why they are on different levels about this whole situation. The Fundamental Things Apply... Diane has a moment of clarity when she says, "Normal people don't start dating someone who might go back with someone else in the future." As Time Goes By... Drew, unfortunately, does very little to make any of this better. In fact, he tells Diane, "Well, if you're looking long-term after the show, then I don't know." Play It Again, Sam Diane tells Drew, "I'm just trying to figure out whether I'm a piano or a person." Diane -- Steinway called. A few morsels from TV Clubhouse Choosing Sides Marvin talks with Karen. He says when he saw Jase pick Cowboy and Scott pick Drew for the Veto Competition, he knew where what was going on. He says, "If the competition is calf-roping next week, we know what they want..." Goldilocks Adria tells Karen she likes her hair color. Karen says it's a $6 bottle of dye. She hooks it up to her airbrush. Karen says in Florida, even if she spent $80 for a haircut, she'd end up with a mullet...that's all they know how to do. TMI Alert From the too-much-information files: Jase conjures up the spectre of Holly and tells the other HGs that Holly said Johnny Creepy had cold sores all the time but she didn't. Write Your Own Punchline Jase says, "Pier One has the best candles. They have masculine scented candles."