TUNA NEWS -- JULY 27, 2004

Even though it's a rainy Tuesday here in TunaVille, we won't let that dampen our spirits as we check in on the overnight happenings in the Big Brother House. All the news that's fit to line your birdcage -- right here, right now. Joker's Updates Oh, Mindy! Jase and Scott do their best puffer-fish imitation by blowing themselves up bigger than a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons. They are great. They are wonderful. Jase says the DR people give him major "props" for playing the game. After a timeout with the Fish, Jase is standing at the DR door, summoned by the evil Mindy. Jase finally returns, saying they have to "stop, stop stop, or I could be gone." Seems that the DR threatened Jase with a penalty nomination and then gave him more major "props" -- this time a shut-up Muzzle. Excuse #75 Why Scott Doesn't Need the Money Today's Scottastic fiction, boys and girls, is that he doesn't need the money because he has a Playgirl Sponsor. Poor Scott cannot differentiate between the word "Sponsor" and "Crazed Stalker". Stand By Your Man After Jase is threatened by the Evil Mindy, Scott says, "If you go, I go." Maybe after all this bible study, Scott is quoting from the Book of Ruth and (to quote our pal Cowboy) "Using Thah Lord!" I, of course, channel Patrick Stewart and yell, "Make it so!" Calling Chef Boyardee Holly comes up with a new flavor of pasta in a can as she calls Scott too "test-ost-er-ony". Seeing as it's Scott, we know this flavor is without meatballs or franks. Fabulous PANTS! Last night seemed to be the night of 1000 pants. Around the ankles. As Scott spends the evening exposing the houseguests and the various (hairy-ous) attributes, Holly takes one look at Cowboy Buns and says, "This is very strange." Could It Be Any Harder? That's not what I'm going to talk about..... Diane talks to Drew about Scott, saying, "Poor guy, it's going to be a little bit harder for him to get a date now than it was before he got in here." If You Believe...Clap Your Hands Adria sobs to Drew about her current state of nomination. Adria tells Drew, "I believe in you. I can not not believe in you..." Need We Say More? Cowboy tells Drew his favorite player was Gerry from BB3. Cow-Logic Cowboy explains things to Drew. Cowboy tells Drew, "I’ll be honest. I’m the most personal guy you’ll ever meet.. (I do not think this word means what you think it means) ...and I feel this about you. I got to play this game. I can’t do it personal. If it makes me look bad, it does. I’ll regret if I don’t play the game. I’ve lied, I said to Will. Anybody has. But I haven’t lied to you. But you know…I can’t do it personal, I won’t make it if I do. My fiancée worried about that. You’re like me. Emotions, hearts. But we can’t be friendly to everybody. (and off they went to the wizard to have their brain and heart removed) News Flash: Diane Makes a Funny Drew recounting the night he was crying. He said he was in the DR and couldn't gain his composure. Diane says, "You mean, they didn't tell you to sob in complete sentences?" Big Brother: 1 Drew: 0 Drew peers into one of the blackened windows in the HoH room. He whispers, "Freaky..." and then one of the wall people says "DREW!" He falls on the bed and screams, "You scared the shit out of me!!" The voice tells him not to touch, and Drew says, "I promise not to do it again if you don't do THAT again!" TV Clubhouse And My Wife, Morgan Fairchild. Yeah, That's the Ticket! Cowboy is a pre-med major. Cowboy was an acting major. Cowboy was a ropes course facilitator. He was also an EMT and a Fireman and a Storm Spotter. Tomorrow Cowboy will be a lawyer and an Indian Chief. He probably knows Barry Drewmore too. Must-Avoid Seeing TV Scott and Cowboy decide Cowboy's upcoming sitcom (yes, they're serious about this) will be a "Guy Sex in the City". Scott says he really digs that idea. They think CBS can't handle the show, so it will have to be TNT or HBO. Scott says Cowboy will be the silly but dumb Ross character, Jase will be the romantic character, and Scott will be the guy that gets all the girls. Cowboy thinks Scott will be more like Kramer and that Lori will be the one to fall in love with Cowboy. But First, A Word From Our Sponsors Adria says when she gets evicted, they had better cut some commercials so she can get in her final words. Amsterdam-dam-dam Scott says that he brought (for his HoH basket) a baby picture. He says it is a picture of him as a baby coming on a plane ALONE from Amsterdam to the US. He says he was born in an Army Hospital, and then he says he was born in Ohio. Cabbage Patch Kid Cowboy says he was born in a dumpster. Then he says he was found underneath a dumpster. Scott says, "Are you serious??" Cowboy admits that no, he was born in a hospital. Family Ties Scott and Cowboy rehash the discover of Jennifer being his half-sister. Cowboy lovingly remarks, "Why couldn't it have been Lori?" True Love The boys are hazing Jase (behind his back, of course) because he washes all of Holly's clothes. Cowboy says to Scott, "Savage, are you going to wash my clothes?" He replies, "Absolutely. I'll be right back." Like Schwartzenegger and DiVito Cowboy tells Scott, "CBS picked us because we are different, yet we're both the same." Parting Shots Jase demands some wine. Adria notes that nobody is fetching it for him. She says, "Like i'll give him some red wine tonight. Jesus ain't walking over here."