TUNA NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 1, 2004

It's a slightly later edition of the Tuna News because hey, everybody has to work once in awhile. Flip the calendar because we're in the home stretch. It's the final month of strategerie and parannoying hamsters. What happened overnight in the BB house? Let's see. DEAR DIARY The hamsters are told they will each be allowed to write a thank-you letter to the fans of House Calls. Cowboy has no idea what House Calls is, so Marvin tells him he thinks it is a fan site that Marcellas hosts. BB says they have a 100-character limit. Marvin thinks it should be closer to 500. Confusion does the cha-cha as the hamsters don't know if their limit is 100 characters in total (15 each) or 100 characters each. Due to a lack of character and numbers that exceed fingers and toes, the HGs decide to combine their characters and write one big letter. DRAFT ONE Nakomis suggests: "Living in this house is making us crazy. Writing this letter is the only thing making us sane. Thanks for giving us this chance. Send beer." DRAFT TWO Suggestions ooze from the hamsters, including "Dear fans, We don't know you, but you know us." "Hello people who dedicate their lives to watching this show." "Michael and Marvin would first like to thank you for giving them America's Choice. Thank you for all the interest you have shown us via the Internet." "All 12 of you all. We appreciate you all." "There are some things in life that you may take for granted that we would pay to have right now." Fingers and toes tell the hamsters they have exceeded their 100 character limit after the first sentence. DRAFT THREE Dear Fans, AKA Stalkers, Michael and Marvin would like to thank you all for America's Choice. Living in this house has made us clinically insane. Here are some things we miss in the house: (long list, read fast) being able to walk around naked, stairs, strippers for Marvin. Thanks for watching. See you on the outside. BB says SHORTER. DRAFT FOUR Dear Stalkers: We love you. Thanks for the support. Would rather be there than here. Love, The Surviving 7 DRAFT FIVE Dear Stalkers, We love you. Thanks for your support. Better you there than here. See you on the outside. Love, The Surviving 7 HOOP DREAMS The hamsters get ANOTHER new game! It's a ball-through-the hole type game. Slightly smaller than a basketball, the ball must bounce in the special zone only once, and then must go through a hole in a slanted board. You might think this sounds like fun, but the introduction of yet another game parannoys the HGs and sends them into a tizzy. LOONY BIN -- NO WAITING Adria goes off the deep end and practices the ball game forever, all the while, muttering to herself. She says, "Production didn't check to see which twin left the house last week. I'm really Natalie." Then she says, "BB, call me into the DR so I have someone to talk to. These people are already referring to me as gone." PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 1 Karen and Nakomis think that things are disappearing from around the house. They also think certain items have been changed. Karen looks at something in the Living Room and says, "Didn't this used to be GREEN?" They agree not to tell Diane their suspicions, because they don't trust her. PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 2 The hamsters come up with a conspiracy theory surrounding the ball game. They think they are due for a twist, and perhaps there will be a double elimination week. With the addition of Natalie, they wonder when the game will end. Marvin says he was told it will definitely end September 25th. PARANOIA WILL DESTROY YA - PART 3 Diane, Karen and Nakomis discuss Adria and think that she and Natalie both work for CBS. Karen says, "CBS spent a lot of money and made a lot of effort into getting the twins here." Karen thinks with the addition of the new game, maybe this week will be a "Super Veto." Nakomis says if that happens, she will go apeshit. THAT WHICH SHALL NOT BE RECAPPED I've had it up to here (hand at eyeball level) with Diane and Drew's argument of the day. Suffice it to say, yesterday, they sniped at each other. All day. Over everything and nothing. Stupid stuff. Parannoying stuff. At the end of the day they made up. Sort of. But the staff at the Tuna News simply doesn't give a rats behind anymore. So, to sum up today's fight, Diane doesn't trust Drew. Drew is tired of Diane. Yada. Yada. Yada. THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS Cowboy interrogates Drew about shaving. He asks Drew if a lot of models shave their body hair. Drew says yes. Cowboy says, "See, I couldn't be a model, because I wouldn't want to shave." THEY SAID IT Marvin: "There is nothing I like to do better after a good ole country meal than go outside and throw a ball through a hole." Karen: "Adria thinks we're all going to hell." Adria: "Nobody even acknowledges me all week long. It's immature. Honestly, I haven't done anything to anybody in this house. It's not like I'm Jase, like the Satan of the house." Drew: "I've never bullcrapped you." Adria: "What the hell. I'm going to start harassing people before I leave." Diane: "Goodnight, Jerkface." Drew: "Bitch."