TUNA NEWS -- SHORT EDITION -- JULY 22, 2005

The staff of The Tuna News is headed off for Roller Coaster Country today, which, after last night's eviction and HoH competition, seems only appropriate. Just the Headlines: Michael Out! Kaysar wins HoH! Houseguests Scramble! James Lies 20 Billion Times in a Row to Kaysar's Face! Howie Says "Boobies!" News at 11.

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 21, 2005

It's eviction day in the BB house, and Michael, well, thanks for the drama. Once the votes were cast yesterday the plotting began in earnest for the upcoming week. Who said what? THIS IS NOT ABOUT BEAU Eric: Did the fairy cleaning people come last night? Eric woke up to find a spotless house that Kaysar and Howie cleaned the night before. Rachel wonders if there was maid service. When the girls compliment Howie on the spotless house, Howie gives credit to Kaysar, saying he lives in a palace and has lots of maids. Howie says Kaysar picked up his spotless cleaning habits by watching them. SPEAKING OF CLEANING Jennifer admits to James that she is "not a big fan" of the Gold Room (where Michael, Janelle, Kaysar and Howie tend to hang out). Jennifer says, "It's so sad. It's tainted now." James tells her "We will wash everything down." AND A BIT OF SWEEPING Kaysar speaks to Eric about the vote, telling him it "won't be a sweep." Kaysar says, "I don't think anyone should be swept. It's a hurtful feeling, and that's all I'm going to say." LEADING BY UNDERSTANDING Eric admits to Rachel that he's surprised about his friendship with Beau. He says he never expected he could be friends with "someone like Beau" (GAY!!) and how he was able to come into the house and put all his differences and opinions aside (except when he can't put all his differences and opinions asides and lets his fists do the talking). Eric says he has actually come to like Beau as a friend. Kum-ba-Yah! LEADING BY LYING The Hamsters get their booze. Eric, the upstanding lead-by-example leader that he is wasn't going to tell "the outcasts" (Michael and Janelle, specifically, since Kaysar doesn't drink). BB called him and said he had to tell them. WAS THAT PART OF THE FOOD COMPETITION? Rachel says her breakfast tastes like an elephant ear. ASTUTE OBSERVATIONS Kaysar: (on eyebrow plucking) "After the redness goes away...and the bleeding stops, it will look great!" April: "They've got new fish!" Sarah: Look at the fish! Howie: Look at the fish's boobies! CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? If you're April, the answer is no. She tells the entire Lemming Alliance up in the HoH room that she and Jennifer were in the same sorority. LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 1 Howie whispers to Rachel (his secret partner) and tells her, "It doesn't matter who are couples, it matters who is strong. James is the strongest player in this game. We've got to get him out of here. Once James is gone, there is nothing to stop us. It makes it that much easier. The people power, they are not strong competitors -- they just have vote power. LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 2 After Janelle and Michael and Kaysar admit and name their secret partners, they approach Howie. Janelle asks Howie over and over and over again if he knows anybody in the house. Janelle: Howie, do you know anyone in this house? Howie: You guys. Janelle: I meant, did you know anyone before you came here? Howie: I've seen Ashlea in Florida. I recognize her boobies! Janelle: Have you been offered extra money to bring anyone in the house? Howie: I'm sorry I have to tell you ..... NO! Janelle: Are you sure? Howie: I think so. I'm supposed to know someone? Like is someone my step-sister or something? LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 3 Howie tells Kaysar it doesn't make sense to put up both April and Jennifer. He says nobody would care. Howie tells him to put one person from two different pairings up to break everything wide open. Kaysar asks about the logic of putting up Eric and James. Howie says it's good, because they can't defend each other at the competition. Howie tells Kaysar, "Janelle is tough. You underestimate her...." Kaysar replies, "Why do you think I have her close to me?" LEST YOU THINK HOWIE IS SO DUMB - TAKE 4 Howie explains his feelings of uneasiness in the house. Howie says, "I asked them (the Lemming alliance) if I am ok, and they said 'you're OK for a couple of weeks.' So am I going to wait a couple of weeks to worry about it? I'm like, 'yeah, you guys got a couple weeks...till tomorrow!" STRATEGERIE - HOWIE STYLE Janelle: All the girls are uncomfortable with me except for Rachel. Kaysar: ...Because they have guilty consciences. Howie: They judge you because of your boobies. Kaysar: We are trying to have a serious conversation and you keep chiming in with boobies. Howie: That's why they hate you! Your boobies! Janelle: I can't believe April and Jennifer know each other! They're so annoying. Howie: Do you think they're lesbos? FINAL THOUGHTS Jennifer: I had a dream that I signed up for the farting competition! Howie: (To Eric) How many kids can say their dad got into a fight on national TV? Howie: There's doctors, lawyers, and perverts. And then there's fat asses and I'm one of them! Janelle: Howie, we are friends. I don't think we'll ever be lovers. Howie: Not even for 30 seconds??

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 20, 2005

Tuesdays in the BB House are days of super-boredom. No competitions, no voting, no nothing. So, if there isn't a brawl, then there isn't that much to talk about. Still in all, a few tidbits did manage to swim by for your reading enjoyment. CALLING MRS. BUTTERWORTH Rachel makes pancakes, or at least, tries to make pancakes. Her first attempt was a Mickey Mouse pancake, but the ears were deformed. She made another pancake and claimed it was a ghost because it "had a tail." Then she attempted a cactus-shaped pancake but put too much batter in the pan causing it to run together. Eric says, "It looks like a cactus ... or Gumby. SHADES OF GRAY The unified boot-Michael-out front isn't quite as unified as you might think. Rachel and James talk, and James admits he'd rather vote for Janelle, thinking her to be far more dangerous. But James admits that it would be foolish to go against the entire house, saying, "I think if it comes back to bite me, I'll be the one sitting in the Principal's Office." He admits that Eric doesn't want to hear of anybody doing anything other than voting for Michael, and he and Rachel both agree that Michael wasn't at fault in the fight with Eric and that Eric was out of line. PHILOSOPHY OF FALSEHOODS Maggie, James and Sarah discuss James' (fictitious) job teaching 9th grade philosophy. Maggie says, "I didn't know they had Philosophy in Grade 9. James covers by saying, "It's for gifted kids." INTRODUCING: MAGGIE Maggie, the Emergency Room Nurse, and Eric's sometimes not-so-secret partner plays a fairly quiet game. (She is so quiet, in fact, the only quote The Tuna News could dig up on Maggie from yesterday was, 'I Smell.'). Ivette, however, has no use for Maggie whatsoever. Ivette is gunning for Maggie to be nominated, and Eric attempts to diffuse the situation. Later Ivette tells Beau that she thinks Maggie is "butch." Ivette says Maggie always wants information but never shares. Ivette HATES that! Ivette also expresses her distrust of Maggie to James. James says, "Don't say that in front of Eric. Just get off the subject for a few weeks until I do my research." ALTERNATE STRATEGIES: THE NOT GAY GAY GUY James says, "I realize I should have come into the house as a gay man." Howie agrees, saying, "Yah, you could have touched all the boobies." James says, "The first few days, when everyone thought I was gay, I should have run with it." In case James didn't hear the first time, Howie says (again), "You could have been touching all the boobies...." ALTERNATE STRATEGIES: THE PEEING PUPPY The Tuna News has decided that Howie is employing the "Peeing Puppy" strategy. Say you get a new puppy and the puppy pees all over the house. "Bad Puppy!" You cry. You smack the puppy's nose but then cuddle it because it's so damn cute, and well...it's a PUPPY! Who can hate a PUPPY? That is Howie. HOWIEISMS Howie: (Seeing Rachel lying on her stomach on the bed) "That is one of my favorite positions. So if the girl isn't that cute, you don't have to look at her..." Howie: "I'm used to being in the boobie zone. When I'm not in the boobie zone, I feel uncomfortable." Howie: (To Michael) "You have amazing willpower. If I had that buxom blonde next to me, I would have sucked her teeth out by now." Howie: "Sarah, those are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boobies." THEY SAID IT BB: "Ivette, please put on your mic." Ivette: Does it NOT look like I have it on? GAWD!" James: "Howie, Your website probably has a big question mark on it. It's just like WTF??" Ivette: "I really hope that God shines down on me and helps me beat Janelle." THE HOWIE AND KAYSAR SHOW Howie: Kaysar, you're one of the best looking guys in the house. Definitely top 6! Kaysar: Do we even HAVE six guys? Howie: I think so! Howie: Kaysar, I didn't grab at you last night, did I? Kaysar: No, but you snorted in my ears! LET'S MAKE A DEAL Eric is more than a little unhappy (approximately three sardine sandwiches worth) that BB has refused to give them alcohol since their drunken brawl over the weekend. He talks to BB and tries to trade alcohol for another food group (that they won in the food competition). BB says no, but says, "You're always thinking!" NOBODY SAID BB WAS EASY The Houseguests, particularly Ivette, declare that there will be NO sex talk for the next 48 hours. Someone says, "Howie is probably crying by now." Howie says he wants to nominated anyone who voted for this idea. Finally Howie tells Beau, "This is BB6! We'll talk about whatever we want! If I don't get any boobies, I'm gonna TALK about them!" HOWIE ON HOWIE "Howie the funny guy...Howie the disgusting guy...Howie the philanthropist...Howie the tyrant. You know, everyone's got their mixed emotions, opinions and variations and they're entitled to it. I don't care what Bob Lee in Southern Alabama thinks of me, not what Jerry Feinberg in the Boston area thinks of me, not what Billy Bob in Utah or North Dakota thinks of me. You think I give a rat's behind what some religious, moral, ethical family in the middle, southern and northern thinks of me? I'll never meet them! JANELLE ON BEAU Beau: You and I are like two sisters. Janelle: We're like two little princesses. MICHAEL ON EVERYONE Since he's leaving soon, better give him some press while we still can. Michael offers Janelle his rundown on all the Hamsters on SARAH: Comes from a normal family. Suburban lifestyle. Probably some junior college. Very independent, yet extraordinarily indecisive. on BEAU: Tries to sound more worldly than he is. Loves being gay and flaunts it. Sneaky, but means well. Really likes superficial friendships. on IVETTE: Feels her family has been targets all her life. Comes from a troubled background. Has a strong resentment and jealousy towards other. She believes she is strong, but is very weak. on ERIC: He struggled his whole life for being little. Took steroids to feel better. Looks for any type of comfort zone and security from people, which is why he became a firefighter. Cannot think for himself. on JAMES: Raised in a stern family. Strict parents, no love. Feels as if he's fought for opinions. He knows a bunch of useless information to back up his "facts." Sore loser. on MAGGIE: Goodhearted. Blessed background. Strong and secure. Astute, bright and sweet. Likes to help people. on RACHEL: Book smart. Sharp. Good reader. Outdoorsy person. Lonely with few friends. Not a risk-taker. on APRIL: She likes to say she is a "good girl" but is really a nympho. She is jealous if she is not the center of attention. She is quick to reprimand others. Bitter. on JENNIFER: Extremely insecure. Untrustworthy. Meandering through life with no direction. Hoping for a Prince Charming, but will settle for anyone. Probably some psychological disorders in the family. on KAYSAR: Probably the brightest person in the house. Strong set of morals and values. Truthful and trustworthy. on HOWIE: Has no shame. Mischievous child. Personality shows what a great guy he is. Loves life and is never truly unhappy. on JANELLE: Has always been beautiful. She knows how to control people and uses beauty, although she is very bright even without looks. Never stays in one occupation more than a year. on MICHAEL: Tremendous temper. Has the ability to grow. Extremely unusual childhood. Always searching to improve himself. Knows everybody, but is alone in the world.

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 19, 2005

The fight is over, hands have been shaken and the houseguests now spend their days making peace-sign tie-dyed shirts and singing Kum-bah-Yah, right? BB: NO SINGING Exactly. So what have they been up to since they were told to take their maturity level "up a notch?" LOOKING DOWN THE ROAD Now that the eviction of Michael is all but guaranteed (James using Veto? Are you on crack?), the hamsters start counting unhatched chickens and worrying who will be going next. Eric: There is some discussion of Jennifer Sarah: I like Rachel, but she makes me nervous. Eric: Kaysar is playing every side of the fence. Maggie: James is a tough player. I should put him up against someone they (the house loves, and make sure he goes. Jennifer: I heard that certain people are going to nominate me and Sarah. James: April is a nut case. MICHAEL WATCH, DAY 3 Eric: I don't think Mike is a bad person. Sarah: I do! Eric: Ever since "the incident" Michael hasn't given out the "stink eye." YOU NEVER GET A 2ND CHANCE TO MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION Eric tells the Lemming Alliance that he got a second chance from BB to stay in the game, because others said they would leave if Eric was kicked out. COURTESY OF THE T.M.I. DEPARTMENT James: If Janelle was a doctor, she would have real plastic surgery, not her $13 boob job. Jennifer's left nipple "doesn't work." THAT'S KLASS WITH A "K" Rachel and Kaysar speculate the configuration of the large bedroom and the subway doors. James thinks that as hamsters are evicted, BB will pull the wall forward and open the doors. Kaysar asks, "You think they will move the whole wall?" James says sure, it's a set. They can do whatever they want. Rachel says maybe it will be a bowling alley or a disco hall. LOVE, TRUE LOVE - TAKE ONE Howie proposes to Jennifer. He says, "You get another triple major, I'll be on TV everyday as a weatherman! Jennifer says, "You'll dump me when I turn 40!" Howie says, "Of course! When you're 40, I'll trade you in for 2-twenties!" LOVE, TRUE LOVE - TAKE TWO Janelle goes to the diary room to ...... break up with her boyfriend. Why? She says, "He's very smart, very successful, very nice. He's too nice. He's too perfect. I want someone like me." She says she did 4 takes in the DR to tape the message because she wanted it to be sincere. When she finishes telling this story, she says, "What a GREAT DAY!" TRUE LOVE, TRUE CONFESSIONS Ivette admits to April that she has a girlfriend at home, not a boyfriend. April seems very excited and says, "Thank you for telling me!!" Then she says, "There is a reason why God brought you to me. I can't talk to you about it now, because it has to do with someone else, so I'll tell you when we get out of here, but you will know that God brought you to me for a reason." (What??) April assures Ivette several times that she won't tell a soul about Ivette's secret...which means by now everybody knows. KUM-BAH-YUCK Janelle: The only thing bad about Miami is it's very Latin. It gets on my nerves. Beau: Where does Kaysar come from that no one cusses? A finishing school? I mean come on, you've seen me, I don't always have to cuss, but there are some times that I do. It's part of American culture! PARTING CLICHES AND TOUGH TALK James: Even rats leave a sinking ship James: Respect is earned Eric: You (Kaysar) sliced your own throat and you'll bleed for two weeks before you die.

TUNA NEWS WEEKEND EDITION -- JULY 18, 2005

So, well. Yes. Sometimes the weekends are quiet. Sometimes it's YO MAMMA Big Time Wrestling and the Night of a Thousand Fishes. Since Michael and Janelle are both nominated for eviction this week, guess which one it was THIS weekend? TIS A GIFT TOO SIMPLE Eric: "I would love a live eviction tonight. That would be too easy." Rachel: "That would be called "a gift." STOP LOOKING AT ME The "MOM, HE'S LOOKING AT ME!" nonsense started mid-morning on Saturday. Eric tells James and Beau, "He was staring at me!" Eric says that he told Michael, "Nobody intimidates me, so you can sit there and stare at me all day long." STOP TALKING ABOUT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT Eric: "So what I'm telling everybody here and now is that *pound* is that I AM NOT DISCUSSING THIS AGAIN! *pound* This is over *pound* and this is a *pound* dead issue. The only reason I brought it up is because YOU brought it up! ART UNAPPRECIATION So, Michael has an issue with Eric displaying some of the pictures he received as HoH. Michael complains, "He put his picture up on the fridge like it's his house. I am going to tell them to keep them in his room." POV MESS AND A HALF Being Saturday, it was the day for the Veto Competition. Having Purchased the live feeds, one might think one might get an insiders view of said competition. If that is truly what one thinks, then one needs to have one's head examined. The PoV competition went something like this: FISH on all four STILL FISH Wait...is this BB7, Finding Nemo? FISH going on 1 hour FISH Update: 1 hour, 35 minutes We've hit the 2 hour mark, folks FISH - 2 hours, 20 minutes 2+ HOURS OF FISH IS UNACCEPTABLE FISH - 2 hours, 45 minutes STILL FISH -- They must have gotten the Harry Potter Book FISH - 3 Hours, 20 minutes And what happened in the end? Some sort of problem, meaning they'd have to rerun the competition (or at least finish it) on Sunday. Feeling sorry for the hamsters (a silly thing indeed), Big Brother decided to give them the indoor Gym. AND THEN...IT BEGAN 8:11 PM -- BB gives the hamsters alcohol. 8:17 PM -- Eric downing cans of beer and says, "I will DIE before I lose tomorrow!" 8:34 PM -- Eric does an encore of "MOM HE'S LOOKING AT ME" (see above) 8:35 PM -- April says she will not walk Mike to the door when he leaves. 8:37 PM -- Eric is irate with "liquid courage" and declares he'll win tomorrow! 9:37 PM -- Eric plans to not know Michael at the reunion party. 9:39 PM -- Kaysar reports to Michael that Ivette is RAGING. 9:39 PM -- Michael says she attacked my mother, so I attacked her mother. 9:42 PM -- Ivette says "I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna slice him. I need to blow-dry my hair!!" 10:00PM ish -- YO MAMA! NO, YO MAMA! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!! TRANSLATED Though it hardly matters, because "Yo Mamma" is really pretty close: Kaysar comes outside to talk to a raging Ivette who is sitting at the table with Eric. He asks her what's wrong and she starts foaming at the mouth. Mike comes out (out of camera) and most likely LOOKS AT ERIC. (MOM!) The whole, "You gotta problem -- No, do YOU have a problem " tango begins, followed by "Yo Mama, Nuh-Uh...YO Mama," and then allegations of midgetness and the Napoleonic need for overcompensation and the ability to get it AWWWN, and the next thing you know, Eric is turning green, and his clothes are ripping off, and he throws his chair down and goes after Mike. Ivette starts yelling, "Cappy, he's going HOME. He's GOING HOME!" WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? HUH? WHAT HAPPENED NEXT??? Approximately 3 hours of lovely fishies 4 Hour Mark -- Still Fish Fish 5 Hours -- This is NUTS Later reconstruction of events showed that this little event pulled everybody out of bed, including the Executive Producers of the Show. Eric was in the Diary Room for 2.5 hours, and several other houseguests were banned to individual rooms for a time out. James was banished to the HoH room. Ivette was banished to the gym. Everybody was forbidden to talk while they sorted out the mess. Ivette also later complained bitterly that Kaysar was allowed to walk around and talk. MOM, IT'S NOT FAIR! IN THE END Eric stayed. Michael stayed. Eric had to apologize to Michael. Arnold Shapiro (Executive Producer) told everybody to "take their maturity up a notch." (No place to go but...) JAMES - DICTATOR-LITE James has proven to be a wee bit demanding, especially where Sarah is concerned. he tells her to go brush her teeth. Twice. He tells her she is not allowed to eat until she brushes. ZING! Jennifer: "It wouldn't be breakfast if you didn't hear 'I am not going to talk about this anymore' (from Eric) at least five times!" HOWIEISMS Howie: "Anybody talk to Ashlea today?" Howie: "Girls can only reject me for so long!" Howie: "If anybody wants to talk to me about starting an alliance or something, I'll be in my room!" (tagline) Howie is in the bedroom now and the talk has turned to bimbos POV - TAKE TWO The hamsters finished up the PoV competition on Sunday, and James won. Eric, of course, takes all the credit, saying, "I kept telling him to turn the thing upside down!" Spin-doctor Eric also exclaims, "So it was James, then Michael, then Janelle, then Howie, then Rachel, then me. I made top six!" COME ON, PEOPLE NOW SMILE ON YOUR BROTHER EVERYBODY GET TOGETHER GOTTA LOVE ONE ANOTHER RIGHT NOW Despite all the problems of the weekend, once again, it's Kaysar and Howie who see past the differences and find common ground, world peace, tolerance and understanding: Kaysar: "Howie, why do you fart so much??" Howie: "I dunno. Maybe it's the Christian Virgin-Muslim thing. But there are a lot of foods around here..." Kaysar: "You just let it all out when you see me?" Howie: "I dunno. You could be an influential....Laxative of some sort. Maybe like a philosophical, religionosity-type laxative. Your omni-presence with me in a certain proximity to you...I'll tell you right now I've been within 10 feet of you and farted more than anyone in this house combined. Kaysar: "So I'm a catalyst?" Howie: "Catalyst...something in your make-up. Whether it's the sand that you eat, or something that's going on..." Kaysar: "Oh yeah. I had sand for breakfast..." Kaysar: "Hey! Maybe if you grow your hair out a little bit, I can borrow some of your 80's clothes...we could try out for Miami Vice: The Sequel!"

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 16, 2005

Now that Eric is all that and a bag of chips, the line is drawn in the sand, everybody picks sides and it's AWWWWN in the Big Brother House. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? The food competition plays out with the gross food challenge "Snack Shop from Hell." Teams of two choose a menu item, and are served the hell version by a mullet-wigged Eric. Fun included: James & Howie - "Ice Cream Sundae = Iced Clam Sundae" Playing for Beverages. Result: LOSS Beau & Janelle - "Pepperoni Pizza = Pepper-ONLY Pizza" Playing for Breads and Cereals. Result: WIN April & Rachel - "Coconut Cream Pie = Sauerkraut Cream Pie" Playing for Dairy. Result: LOSS Kaysar & Michael - "Tuna Melt = Tuna Malt" Playing for Snacks and Sweets. Result: WIN Maggie & Jennifer - "Chocolate Cake = Chocolate Snake" Playing for Meats. Result: WIN Ivette & Sarah - "Turkey Pot Pie = Turkey Pot POI" Playing for Fruits and Veggies. Result: LOSS BONUS ROUND - Mike & Eric (Eric replaced volunteer Janelle) - "Egg Salad Sandwich = Egg Salad Sardines" Playing for Beer and Wine. Result : WIN Food competition highlights: Howie: (after spewing following his first bite) "Give me peanut butter NOW!" Jennifer: (To Maggie, who wouldn't eat the snake because she's a vegetarian, making Jennifer eat the entire plate) "You'd better NEVER put me up!" Howie: "Jenny! My little snake eater!!" Janelle: (volunteering for the bonus round) "I threw up my pizza, so I'm good!" Eric: (grabbing the attention by bumping Janelle for the bonus round) "Just to let you know, I didn't have to do this..." Howie: (Providing moral support during the bonus round) "C'mon guys, do it for Janie! She needs to be drunk!" Howie: "My ice cream was like going to the Jersey Shore and taking a big bite out of where the water meets the sand!" MUTUAL ADMIRATION SOCIETY It's hard to believe that Eric and Ivette have any time for strategy, since they spend the bulk of their time puffing up Eric's ego. Following the food competition, Eric tells Ivette, "I feel if you have to lead, you lead by example, and that's why I did what I did!" Ivette replies, "Cappy, you're my HERO!" YOU TOO CAN BE HoH IN TWO EASY LESSONS Thinking you'd make a good HoH? Use this recipe when dictating your strategy to others you have no intention of nominating in the first place: 1. Open with a Meaningless Salutation "Tell me your thoughts" 2. Cut to the Chase "You know the deal" "Right now my intentions are..." 3. Justify, Justify, Justify Pick any three: Unstable -- Dangerous -- Hangs out with others -- Outcast -- Scares Me -- Out of Control -- Best for the two of us -- Best for the house -- Gunning for me -- Gunning for you -- Broke my trust 4. Add Side-Deal Leverage and Mix "Next time you win HoH you guarantee me safety" (repeat often) 5. Season with Tired Phraseology I respect (insert name) -- Going to do it straight up -- Gunning for you -- Thinking of the Team -- Lead by Example -- Practice what I preach -- Do my best -- Not deceive people -- Clean slate -- Give it my all -- Clear as the day is long 6. Top with False Modesty "That's all I ask." 7. Serve with Bullshit Sauce Whatever happens today, you are an awesome dude -- Guarantee with my life -- You know how I feel about you -- You have a friend in me -- You and me to the end -- Dude -- Friend for life As for those you DO plan to evict? One sentence is all it takes: "Michael, I don't know WHAT I'm doing at this point." IT NEVER STOPS -- JANELLE Janelle: "I wish I were ugly so girls would stop hating me." Janelle: "That speech was horrible, and to ridicule someone for hanging out with another person is awful." IT NEVER STOPS -- ERIC Eric: "He (Michael) will not live to see another week." Eric: "Let him direct his anger at me. Let it come to me." Eric: "Do not make eye contact with Michael or Kaysar." IT NEVER STOPS, AKA HOWIEISMS Howie: "Rachel, there isn't a girl here I wouldn't bang. Including you." ALL ABOARD THE BITTER BUS -- CHOO! CHOO! Following the extremely UNSURPRISING nominations of Michael and Janelle, the spleen venting went into overdrive. Janelle: "I figured out something. They don't like the smart people here." Kaysar: "If you don't keep your cool, it'll be worse. Be diplomatic. If you bump heads, there will be more force. Michael: "From who?? A midget and a ghetto bird?" ON SECOND THOUGHT... April: "I don't think any of us looks like idiots on the air." April: "I hope I still have a job when I get out." Michael: "I'm not making threats. It's against the rules." Michael: "I'd pick him up by his ankles and hang him out of a 100 story building." Ivette: "Kaysar has betrayed each and every one of us in this house." Ivette: "Not everybody, but a lot of us." HOW INCONSIDERATE! Sarah: "Our comfort level is the most important thing. If we can't be comfortable, we can't strategize!" FINAL WORDS (On hearing the Houseguests constantly calling Eric "Cappy") Michael: "What is he...a dog?"

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 15, 2005

At the end of Week 1 in the Big Brother House, it's Crashing Boredom, 13, Ashlea 0. It was no big surprise that THE PRETTIEST girl in the BB house got bounced out on her own implants. Well Ashlea, that's the price THE PRETTIEST girls have to pay. Meanwhile, what else happened on the day THE PRETTIEST girl was evicted? Let's see! HIGHER MATH Eric tells April, "We have a 75% chance of one of us winning POV and HoH. Actually, we have a higher shot, because I don't think Janelle can rub two brain cells together. If that's the case, we've got an 85% shot." (Editor's note: Two finalists in the HoH competition? Eric...and Janelle) AND THE CRANKY PANTS AWARD GOES TO.... Ivette: "He is going to ride camels back to Iraq" Ivette: "Him and all his Muslim bullcrap. I'm not going to lower myself to that." Ivette: "I'll bet my ass that if Kaysar, Michael or Janelle get it (HoH), I'm going up, because I won't lower myself to them." Ivette: "Give the Gold Room to the dirt bags." Ivette: "What Janelle doesn't know what's gonna save her is we have a Muslim kook and a Psycho." AND A HEAPING HELPING OF IRONY Ivette: "I have yet to say anything bad about anybody else. Anything I have to say, I say to their faces." GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN After the live show and eviction, Eric and James talk about Ashlea. James says, "Ashlea was a pig. A HUGE pig." Eric asks, "Did you see how much food she ate? I told them she wouldn't keep her mouth shut from now to the moment she walked out the door." IRON CHEF HAMSTER Maggie eats cream cheese and olive sandwiches. She says they are good. Howie says, "Bad news guys, in about two hours someone is gonna be eating PB&J." Michael makes sushi. James says, "He just poisoned us is what he did." HoH CHANGE-OVER Eric wins the HoH competition by correctly answering such mind bending questions as: True or False? When the blue surfboard team lost the food competition, they had to eat yams for an entire week. His HoH room was filled with family pictures, his fire department wallet badge, an inflatable pool raft, beer and a James Taylor CD. INTRODUCING: ERIC THE FATHER FIGURE The Hamsters get ready for the live show. Ivette comes out and puts on some very short shorts ("Daisy Dukes") with a tank top. Eric takes one look at her and tells her, "Go change right now. The last outfit looked nice and classy. Go back there and take off the hoochie mama clothes." INTRODUCING: ERIC THE KING OF STRATEGERIE Eric "spins his web" (his words) for the upcoming nominations. He tells Maggie and Ivette, "I'm going to put Janelle and Michael up. I'm going to tell Michael he is a pawn. But little does he know (This is the super secret web spinning part) HE isn't the pawn. Instead of voting out Janelle, We vote out HIM." Wow. Strategerie. INTRODUCING: ERIC THE OVER-INFLATED EGOMEISTER Eric: "If Janelle things she is going to come in here and use that (HoH) bathroom, she's got another thing coming." Eric: "After he (Michael) leaves, I am going up to Janelle and telling her I saved her ass." Eric: "Rachel took care of me (last week), I am going to take care of her." Eric: "The girls want Michael gone. A lot of the women feel he is not the most stable person in the house." INTRODUCING DEAD HAMSTER WALKING: MICHAEL True, he hasn't even been nominated yet, but Michael is already on an accelerated course to next weeks Chenterview of the newly evicted. Even Kaysar knows his alliance of Michael, Janelle and Kaysar are woefully short of voting members. As for everybody else in the house? Jennifer: "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I just want to slit his throat." Rachel: "I am SO flabbergasted...I am SO flabbergasted by his behavior and his demeanor." April: "It's because we pay more attention to Howie." Kaysar: "The first thing I thought of is that Michael needs to get his crap together because people think he is a nutcase." HOWIEISMS Howie: "If I would have farted during the HoH competition, I would have won!" Howie: (coming out of the bathroom) "That was good! I feel like I gave birth!" Howie: "Most gay guys love my butt." Beau: "Nuh Uh!" Howie: "Oh, we had to have the one BLIND gay guy here." Howie: (after Janelle invites him to sleep in her bed) "Praise God! I will go to church for the rest of my life!" THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT SARAH Maggie and Eric do some power whispering about Sarah. Maggie tells Eric that when he explained his "spinning the web" strategerie, Sarah said, "Well, it looks like, so much for the honest people," implying that Eric would be lying to Mike about his pawnness. Maggie also tells Eric that she is pretty sure Sarah has figured out they (Eric and Maggie) are together. Eric says he will strong arm speak to Sarah alone tomorrow. THE PRETTY GIRL DEFENSE Now that Ashlea, THE PRETTIEST GIRL is gone, Janelle picks up the "don't hate me because I'm beautiful drum" and bangs it loudly. Janelle starts by complaining about Ivette. "What should I say? That I am very scared of Ivette because she is such a big powerful woman? She said she looks like Selma Hayak. Yeah...Selma on crack and 50 pounds overweight! She is so ghetto, just the way she talks and acts, and her hair." Kaysar pointedly tells Janelle that he is not gunning for Ivette because of her appearance. Janelle whines, "But they are doing it to me!" Kaysar says, "I don't want to get involved in this cattiness." Janelle hits it out of the park with the ever-popular, "Girls never like me." Boo freaking hoo. PARTING POT-SHOTS Ivette: "Howie, if you were to clean up that mouth, you'd be the ideal man." James: (as Ivette struggles to blow up the HoH raft) "Let the woman with the most hot air take care of it." Kaysar: "Howie, when you're not being perverted, you're actually a really cool guy." Kaysar: "I feel like I'm leading an army of crackheads. They all got issues." Kaysar: "Howie is like my big retarded friend." Kaysar: "Are you thinking?" Janelle: "Yes." Kaysar: "Come up with any bright ideas? Because if you aren't coming up with any bright ideas it is pointless to think." Howie: "I'm not sure I could get the veto for you then." Janelle: "Remember our alliance?" Howie: "Oh yeah. BOOBIES!" (tagline) Howie just stripped to his undies to get in the hot tub with Janelle! (tagline) Howie clears the hot tub

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 14, 2005

It's eviction day in the Big Brother House! The votes have been cast in secret, and Janelle is the only person who has let hers slip (sorry Kaysar). What was the news in Hamster Haven? Did Howie manage to keep it clean for 24-hours? (No) 24 minutes? (No) PIG-STYE GATE 2005 You could set your watch to these people. Every year we have to have slob-gate, and then the post slob-gate blowup. This year's cast of characters include: Eric, starring as the ever suffering cook, maid and laundry service provider, and everybody else starring as the inconsiderate pigs that they are. Eric says we wants to call a meeting so he can "not single anyone out." Maggie strongly urges Eric not to make the "stop being pigs" announcement. MEET APRIL April is an enigma wrapped in a carton of cigarettes that she doesn't smoke. April is part butt-coverer ("If you leave and hear things (we've said about you) you've got to forgive one another"), part tough girl ("I feel like somebody's bitch, and I'm not getting paid"), part delusional fameseeker ("maybe I'll get a cigarette ad out of this"), part realist ("Oh, who wants to see us talk about butt sex on TV?") and all skinny ("They called me Olive Oyl in High School") HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS Ahh, Sarah and James. Young. In love. So cute. So sweet. So All-American... So: Sarah: Did you year that world? James, my boyfriend, is a big asshole. James: You know that I love you. Sarah: Until I get fat. James: Yeah. Sarah: What about when I have babies? James: You'll have a couple of weeks. Sarah: You're so mean. I am not having your babies. James: OK. No fat chicks. Sarah: I love you. James: I love you a lot, Dumb Butt. KICK 'EM WHEN THEY'RE DOWN James: Ashlea is like a tumor that just attaches to you and you can't get rid of. Howie: One of Ashlea's bathing suit bottoms looks like a carwash. James: Ashlea has been gone for a week, but she's still here! Ivette: They won't do an Internet chat until House Guests people actually like get kicked out. They wouldn't do it for a loser like Ashlea. James: If Ashlea is such a germophobe, how can she leave her shoes out? Let's throw broken glass in them! BIG BROTHER IS MR. CRANKY PANTS BB: THIS IS A WARNING: It is against the rules of the BB competition to discuss your votes. BB: STOP SAYING *blee (edited for content) eeeep* BB: Maggie, Sarah....STOP THAT! (using sign language) CURRENT EVENTS On a somewhat serious note, James, Eric and Kaysar have a sometimes heated discussion regarding the Iraq war. Despite the usual right-wing and left-wing rhetoric, Kaysar comes out with some important statements. Kaysar: First of all, let me tell you that it is not deeply ingrained in our culture to go out and kill yourself to kill people. Kaysar: I think that the idea of freedom is not just giving them MTV After a long, passionate argument, perhaps the best comment came from James: James: That was one of the best conversations I've ever had. WHOOPS - TAKE ONE It's hard keeping secrets. Just ask James. When Sarah was throwing coasters at him, he got annoyed and yelled "SARAH BETH, STOP!!" Howie, Kaysar and Jennifer instantly looked up. Howie repeated, "Sarah Beth...?" James realized he slipped. WHOOPS - TAKE TWO Janelle lets it slip that she voted for Kaysar. Howie says, "You can't tell anybody about that!!" HOWIEISMS (tagline) Howie is offering free breast exams-um-while everyone is eating! Howie: Don't grow a beard, you'll look like an Arab! Kaysar: I am an Arab! Howie: If we were the only people left on earth, would you do me? Janelle: No. Howie: Really? What if this was our last day on earth? Janelle: No. Howie: I'm mad at you Janie Janelle: I'm mad at you, Howie. Howie: I'm not going to talk to you for an hour, Janie. Janelle: I'm not going to talk to you for TWO hours! Howie: Nothing personal, but I'm putting up Michael and Eric, because I can't beat Michael at Foosball, and I can't beat Eric in coasters! THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY THAT AREN'T Considering this crew, you know it's going to be a short list... James: I'm going to ride Eric all the way. I hope! Kaysar: I'm going to my happy place. UPCOMING ALLIANCES A backyard patio alliance was formed for week two. Eric, Maggie, Rachel, Howie, April, Jennifer, Ivette and Sarah all agree to not nominate each other next week. Beau and James (not present during the agreement) are also accepted into the BY10. For those playing along, that leaves Michael, Janelle and Kaysar swinging in the wind. LAST WORDS James: April? Right or Left? April: Huh?? James: The foot I'm going to put in your ass for all the shit talking. James: So Sarah, you going to wait until week 8 to work out? Sarah: I worked out yesterday! Do I look like Hell? Do I look ok? Eric: You look like trailer trash. James: Trailer trash with nice sunglasses. Janelle: Do you think Kaysar would actually date me? Ashlea: He couldn't afford you. Michael: I will not make any gestures that could be interpreted as sexually inappropriate. I will not smother my nose in a girl's neck and go *SNORT* anymore. I will only refer to women as 'the opposite sex.' Rachel: I'm glad you told me, because I'm planning to do all of that!

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 13, 2005

Happy Hump Day at the Tuna News! All the comings and goings inside the BB house stripped down to the bare essentials and then puffed back up to make them much more interesting than they ever were in the first place. We are approaching Eviction Night the first. What's the haps in the house? IVETTE THE BENEVOLENT Ivette tells Eric that if she won the lottery, she would buy a huge house so her whole family could live there. But there would be lots of different wings (presumably so she wouldn't have to spend any actual time with them). She says she is a giving person. ERIC THE KINDHEARTED Eric: I'm gonna let Kaysar know that my vote can change... Eric: If you piss someone off, you have an enemy for the rest of the game. Eric: Ivette, these fajitas are awesome. Can you come to the firehouse and cook like that? Anytime you want you can come bet the firehouse bitch. Eric: I'll tell him, either I better win POV or when we get out of here you better have eyes in the back of your head. HOWIE THE BB WANNABEE Howie: "Beau, please start being heterosexual" Howie: "Janey, please put out for Howie" Howie: "Jenn, please stick out a boobie for Howie." Howie: "Haney, please strip tease for Howie" Howie: This never gets old!! Off-camera voice: "Howie, please stop sniffing the toothpaste!" POINT - COUNTERPOINT Howie: Do you think your mom would like me? Jennifer: No, you'd scare her. Howie: If there weren't safety issues...do you think she'd like me?? Howie: Do I have sexy feet now that they aren't dirty? Jennifer: Everything about you would be nicer if you weren't so dirty. Howie: Janelle, before you met me, what's the most disgusting thing a guy ever said to you? Janelle: "Hi, I'm Howie." Howie: No! BEFORE you met me....? Howie: You're so good looking, but you have to ruin it by smoking. Janelle: You're so good looking, but you have to ruin it by talking. MEOOOOW! April, Jennifer and James discuss they common dislike for Janelle. April relates how Janelle said she should stay because 'she is beautiful' and how she said 'I didn't know we were dressing as whores tonight' when she saw Ashlea's outfit. James calls Janelle's implants "plastic courage." BUT DON'T THEY HAVE TO BE ASSIMILATED FIRST? Kaysar: They people are dumb, man. Michael: They annoy me. That's why we must destroy them. DELUSIONAL THOUGHTS, TAKE TWELVE Ivette: Everybody likes us because they can see how honest we are! Kaysar: Their biggest mistake is not evicting me this week. THE PSYCHO, THE SULTAN, AND THE PRINCESS Ivette's nicknames for Michael, Kaysar and Janelle. THE POT, THE KETTLE, AND THE BLACKNESS GreenTuna's nicknames for Ivette, Eric and James. TRUE DAT Eric tells April: You're going to come out of here twenty pounds heavier, because your workouts consist of 5 minutes of walking and 30 minutes of smoking! IF WISHES....... Howie: We need more promiscuous women here!! Howie: There's got to be one chick that's say, 'Okay, do me.'" Howie: It's the law of large numbers. There will be one girl who will be willing to give me some action. .....WERE FISHES tagline: FISH (ALL 2 OF THEM) tagline: SOMEONE IS DIGGING DEAD FISH OUT OF THE TANK

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 12, 2005

It was a night of insanity at the Big Brother House. Tears, accusations, paranoia, delusional thinking, harassment...and that's just Howie! Where are we and what's going on? Let's meet our cast of characters: INTRODUCING: JENNIFER Little Miss Jennifer appears to be -- somewhat unwillingly and unwittingly -- at the center of the scandal. The girls of the house (read: Ivette and her head nodding minions) have told Jennifer she had better stop the flirting or else the editors will make her out to be a ho, and then her boyfriend will leave her, and her parents will disown her, and she will become a worthless wretch of a human being and die. Somehow, Jennifer is upset by this revelation. Still in all, she manages to toss off these insightful comments: "The world is going to think we're so HOT!" "Let's face it, they put hot, young gorgeous people in here." "But if he's not here (her boyfriend at home) when I get out, well, that's what I came in to find out." INTRODUCING: IVETTE Instigator of hysteria. Mouth that will not stop. Forces other to PRAY. Ivette took a mostly harmless yet perhaps annoying situation with Michael and Jennifer and turned it into World War III. "Mike freaks out. He is Dangerous." "The guy is teetering scariness." "Mike is the ultimate control freak." (POT? Kettle!) "Mike is the type who will blow and WHO KNOWS WHAT HE'LL DO??" "You have to like his (Mike's) comments, you have to like his food, you have to like when he touches you..." "Mike is a WALKING WEAPON!" (Of what? Pseudo-Intellectual Boredom?) "Girls, I'm going to pray for us. SIT UP!" "In times like this we need to be delivered from evil" (It's not delivery. It's DiGiornio!) "Girls, I just felt the need to do this. We should get together every night and pray. It was necessary. A semi-miracle happened. I really believe in people having the evil eye..." (...and a big mouth) INTRODUCING: ERIC Firefighter. Savior of the world. Has attended SEVERAL sexual harassment seminars. SEVERAL TIMES. Fanner of flames, both real and imaginary. King of Repeating himself in a very repetitive manner. "I walked into the room and I can tell it was uncomfortable. I could feel the tension." (of uncomfortability) "When he left the room, she just fell apart. She just fell apart..." (Let me get this straight, did she...fall apart?) "I will walk out right now. I will pack my things and walk out." "His aggressiveness is escalating. There is no doubt in my mind he is getting more aggressive." (Which by definition means it is escalating) "I told BB I have extensive experience with sexual harassment. I have extensive experience in domestic disputes." INTRODUCING: MICHAEL International Poseur. Pseudo-Intellectual. Lover of hearing himself speak (not an uncommon trait in the BB House). Insensitive towards others (ditto). Kisser of female necks and unwitting target of aforementioned mass-hysteria. "Can I go inside with you (Howie), or is that harassment?" SCANDAL WRAP-UP But in the end were they successful? Were Eric and Ivette able to incite mass panic? Maggie: It's like people in the army who lose it and KILL PEOPLE! April: I'll act like everything is normal. He could go APESHIT if I say ANYTHING! Eric: I'm so concerned about this situation right now, I could just walk out that front door right now, and go back to my family. (Because exiting, stage left, is the way all super-heros save the day) MEANWHILE... Thankfully other things were actually happening in the hamster cage, because how much of this noise can we really take? STRATEGIES ABOUND, OR "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?" Michael: "While they are bickering inside, we'll win the competition." Howie: "While they are busy with their alliances, I'll evict them all!" James: "Sarah should stay until the end because she is weak. She never works out!!!" FATAL ATTRACTIONS Kaysar: "The only chick I attract is Beau." Michael: "Let's face it, the average IQ in here is not that high. I have no interest in any of the girls here now. I thought a couple were cute, but now...throw them to the dogs!" Beau: "Who's your type?" Kaysar: "In general or...? I'm not gonna hook up in here. I'M NOT GAY!" Beau: "I'm your type, right??" WRONG-O! Eric: "It HAS to be evictions tomorrow." James: "We're going to have double evictions this week!" Eric: "This game is supposed to be fun. The whole point is, it's supposed to be fun!" April: "It's a credible network. They're not going to put bad stuff on it." HOWIEISMS Mike: "I'm going to do exactly what Howie does and live in my own world." Howie: "I'm going to be President of the United States one day." Janelle: "What are you looking at the picture wall for?" Howie: "I was thinking of taking your key and sleeping with it." LAST WORDS FROM KAYSAR April: "Remember you said, 'Animals don't have souls.'" Kaysar: "I'm starting to believe people don't, either." Michael: "We should adopt a Howie technique. We should be complete goofballs and annoy people so much..." Kaysar: "I'm pretty sure you're doing that already."

TUNA NEWS WEEKEND EDITION -- JULY 11, 2005

It was a weekend of not-a-whole-lot-going-on. Did that stop our intrepid hamsters from being stupid? Never!! ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE Janelle: If you get sent home, then I'm going home in two weeks Ashlea: At least when we go home we will finally get pedicures. A HOWIE A DAY.... Howie: "Janelle needs to stop beautifying herself. She looks like a candy bar that needs the wrapping ripped right off." Howie: (Seeing Janelle and Kaysar playing chess) "Who would have thought that? The Muslim Virgin and the hot blonde! This will be our first hookup!!" Howie: "When girls won't give me attention and acting like they don't want me, that's how I know they DO want me!" Howie: "I've had all kinds of women. Afro-American black women...." Sarah: "There is only so much Howie I can take at one time!!" INTRODUCING: IVETTE Strong, Latino, opinionated...Ivette will tell you the story and keep telling it until you agree with her. For hours and hours and hours, if that's what it takes. Ivette: "I still say college is an overrated waste of time, and there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind." Ivette: "Howie likes to experience the "boofay" (meaning a "buffet of women"), but nobody will want someone who has had the boofay. Ivette: "You'll know when I can't stand you. I can't relate to people who are wishing hell on me." I'VE GOT A SECRET So much for the summer of secrets.... James and Eric talk about pairs. Eric tells Maggie they have to "keep their cover." James tells Sarah, "I think there might be seven couples!" BB6 JOKE-A-DAY CALENDAR Howie (Who else?): "What do you call a hooker with one leg?" Ivette: "Why does it have to be a hooker?" Howie: "Who wants to hear a joke about a non-hooker?" TALK ABOUT COMING IN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION Eric Eats An Entire Half of a Watermelon Beau Thinks That an Antelope is the Same Thing as a Moose GREAT COMEBACKS Mike: Lisa (BB3) was a home-type beautiful. Howie: I'd still bang her. Mike: Yeah, but you'd bang a toadstool. Sarah: I really don't want to spend the night in that room with those 3 girls. James: You might learn something Sarah: Like how to be a bimbo... PARTING SHOTS April, drunk, puts on a pair of sunglasses and burps loudly. Eric exclaims, "She's turned into a Texas Truck Driver after one beer!"

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 9, 2005

TAKE MY WIFE -- PLEASE! Among other things, this summer seems to be the summer of really bad jokes. Eric (looking at Ashlea's implants): Are those real? Ashlea: Real expensive! Ba-DUMP-bump! Howie: You have 26 sheep, and one dies, how many do you have left? General Answer: 25! Kaysar: I had a feeling it wouldn't be 25. Howie: You have 26 sheep, and one dies, how many do you have left? Female: We heard it already...what's the answer? Howie: 19!! You have twenty - sick - sheep and one dies Crowd: Oooooooooh! Ivette the joke killer : If you could speak proper English, maybe we would have figured it out. ALL HOWIE, ALL THE TIME Beau explains sun tea to Howie. Howie doesn't get it. Howie tries to figure out how to use the brush on the vaccuum cleaner. April helps him. Howie talks about mermaid fantasies and how he picks up girls in a club BIG BROTHER 6, SPONSORED BY BEANO It's the summer of non-stop talk of all bodily functions -- which is going to make for a very long summer indeed. Eric says he never hears his wife fart, even after 14 years. He asks his kids if she did (fart) after they spend a whole day with her. James tries to top that story by saying he has heard his Grandmother Burp. Eric claims his dog farts and laughs. I WONDER WHERE THE FISH DID GO? Think BB life is tough on the hamsters? It seems to be much harder on the fish, who were named Excels at floating upside down Avatar, Headed for the Tartar Sauce Kingdom Peanut, and Bait Bentley BB: HG, Please Feed the Fish! The women are mad at Kaysar because he wouldn't pray for the sick fish We have a dead FISH!!! TRUE CONFESSIONS - TAKE 1 Michael holds his OWN intervention is the bathroom while he is taking a shower. He confesses that he grew up in Europe and only moved to the United States in 1997. He further admits to his most dastardly ruse, that in order to act like a "normal person" he said he was from Michigan (obviously the child has never been to Grand Rapids, where the deer and the Amway Folks play). The bullshit meter goes off the chart as Michael exclaims that his plan to be "more normal than he is" is backfiring. Guess he'll just have to revert to being an International Poseur. Wait..... TRUE CONFESSIONS - TAKE 2 April tells the cameras that Janelle is the one making her smoke, and that she doesn't really smoke, but she does smoke to reduce stress. But she doesn't really smoke. JEE MEMORIAL CLICK! AWARD Misconceptions about the BB house have never stopped, especially since Jee and his infamous assertion that camera noise meant the Internets were taking pictures of them. BB6 is no different, and stupidity continues to rule over all: Sarah asks James, "So there's no live feed at all in the bathroom?" James replied, "No." Sarah says, "that makes me feel better." GreenTuna says, "CLICK!" Maggie talks about how discussions the house guests have about the game don't get aired. GreenTuna says, "Wrong-o! CLICK!" Janelle talks to Kaysar about the Internet feeds and if they can hear the conversation. Kaysar says no. GreenTuna says, "Think again! CLICK!" TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN Rachel serves up a big heaping bowl of rehash as she reviews yet again her annoyance about Jennifer going into the HoH room and locking the doors. Rachel says that she has finally "let it go." Maggie replies, "You haven't let it go. If you had, you would not still be talking about it two days later!" LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION Doctor Janelle says getting breast implants are no different than getting braces or a bikini wax. (I for one, would just hope they don't mix them up) MARCELLAS GETTING DISSED, 3 YEARS AND COUNTING Ashlea discusses the upcoming veto competition. She claims she is "going for it," and adds, "I ain't gonna pull no Marcellas!" IF ONLY... Michael: What do you have on your mouth? Janelle: Lip gloss. Watermelon flavored. Michael: I want to taste it......... Michael: It's like super glue! LAST CALL Howie: I'm gonna start reading the Bible and the "Shallum" thing Kaysar: Howie, you are so ridiculously dumb sometimes....

TUNA NEWS -- JULY 8, 2005

Welcome to another season of Big Brother 6 inspired Tuna News, where you are provided a run down -- free of charge -- of the happenings in the Big Brother house. The information is culled from a variety of sources, then shaken, stirred and splashed all over the Internets just for you. Yesterday was Opening Night for our hamsters. As rodent-watchers everywhere struggle to put names with bikinis, what happened in the Big Brother House? BEST RECAP TAGLINES Taglines are supposed to entice you to read a post. Were these successful? You be the judge. Howie in Hottub explaining his philosophy of life Beau telling a story about a run-in with a possum Eric is getting cranky Eric asks: Can I eat mustard? Gumball machine in the kitchen Janelle is drinking her fifth glass of red wine Janelle snorted and wine came out of her nose Farting contest on feed 1 KEEP YOUR ARMS INSIDE THE RIDE AT ALL TIMES Rachel says according to the BB Manual, it is illegal to lean over the rail. Considering how well the hamsters follow the rules, I give them a week before somebody goes over the falls. DELUSIONS START EARLY AROUND THESE PARTS Sarah, Ashlea and Beau talk about how this years crop of Hamsters are the HOTTEST EVAH. Yeah. I never heard that one before. Janelle says that Big Brother doesn't show them smoking because it's bad (mmmmKay?) so she doesn't think the cameras are on them right now. ANOTHER SEASON, ANOTHER SITCOM Ashlea and Sarah diss-cuss Howie, saying that bringing him home to meet the parents would be a great April Fool's Day joke. They agree that he'd be perfect for My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee. INTRODUCING: HOWIE Howie. Howie. Howie. Howie gonna last an entire summer with you? Howie prefers a gorgeous 30-year old to a 20-year old who eats paste. Howie is fascinated by animals and weather, but doesn't want to be "bit by gators." Jennifer says she just "blurs Howie out now." Michael says Howie's favorite word is "I." His second favorite word is "me." Howie employs his famous Dr. Seussian dating advice, saying, "I'll make some moves on her in a couple weeks. Persistance breaks down resistance." SUMMER OF SECRETS The motto for this season is "The Summer of Secrets." Hopefully they have some more secrets on the back-burner, because it has taken the Hamsters all of one day to figure out what's going on. Ivette tells Maggie, "There's too many of us who have a common understanding, like Michael and Kaysar. Later, Sarah and James whisper together, immediately giving up the fact that they are a pair. James says something "clicked" regarding Rachel and Howie. They think Janelle and Ashlea are a pair. James angrily whispers "we have to get rid of one of them...just think about it" several times to Sarah and then demands to get into the Diary Room. INTRODUCING: THE GUMBALL MACHINE Well, it's no Creeping Terror, but nonetheless, a large pedestal-stand gumball machine appears in the kitchen. Eric thinks it looks suspicious. He speaks the obvious, saying, "There's something going on with that. They wouldn't just put that there for nothing." Kaysar spends a great deal of time pondering its existence and wondering what it all means. Not exactly a Magic 8-ball, Kaysar thinks the gumball machine holds the key for the upcoming Power of Veto competition. INTRODUCING: MICHAEL Michael appears to be smitten with Janelle, who is quite skilled at whipping him at chess. An international playah (tm Jee), Michael tells Janelle, "I like the birthmark your birthmark. It looks like Gorbachev's head. DUH Kaysar says he is beginning to see that there are a lot of weird people under this roof. PARTING WISDOM Howie: Hate is the closest thing to love. Kaysar: Where do you learn this wisdom from? Howie: Dictionaries. Kaysar: Fortune cookies? Howie: Yes, I learn from that. Kaysar: Cereal boxes? Howie: Of course....Women, dating, sex, Kung-Fu..... Hey, that was fun. Would you like another helping of Tuna?