TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 31, 2004

Well, we have it all today. Fighting, name-calling, and an electro-shock party game. Who could ask for anything more? Adria tries to pick a fight, Diane is ready to clean her clock, Drew won't eat olives and Cowboy continues to retool the English language. What were the haps in the BB house? THE AMERICAN DREAM Drew tells Diane that his plan is to own car washes or storage facilities and then install cameras so he can watch over his business on a PDA while he's at the golf course. Diane asks where his wife would be, and Drew says, "Shopping." THAT'S LUCKY? Drew and Diane plot end-game. Diane says they will have to be careful what they do and say. She thinks they will need to be lucky. Drew says he's lucky...once he won Britney Spears tickets! CRUEL TO BE KIND Karen, this weeks veto winner, chose not to use the power of veto. Adria, the veto loser (and soon to be ex-hamster) begins her downward spiral. Diane tells Karen that Adria needs to stop pouting. Karen says she could have handled the veto in many ways, but she chose to be kind. TRUTH HURTS The HGs decide to play euchre, so Drew sits down to teach Cowboy. Diane mutters much too loudly that Cowboy won't be able to learn it. Cowboy hears her and actually takes offense, telling Diane that her comment was rude. Diane does a frantic backpedal, saying Euchre is a hard game and it took her awhile to learn how to play it, and she didn't mean the comment "in that way." Nice try. PAGING BEN FRANKLIN BB decides the hamsters are too lethargic, so they get a new game. It's called Lightning Reaction and the end result is the loser(s) get an electric shock. Fun for the whole family!! The hamsters, already immune to pain after spending two months in the BB house decide electroshock therapy is just what they need. Let the games begin! The game is played by 2-4 people. Each takes a joystick out of the circular base. The game is started by pressing the center button. A green light turns on and suspensful music begins to play. As soon as the light turns red, all players must hit the button on their joystick. The idiot to do so gets an electric shock. In addition, if you click too early (before the light turns red) you also get shocked. Sounds like fun? Well, it did to them. Cowboy: "I think I got stimulated!" Diane: "I think I lost a few brain cells!" Dr. Monroe: This is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all! And won't that be wonderful Homer? Homer: Oh yes, doctor! [zaps Bart] Bart: Oh! [presses button] Lisa: Owwww! Marge: [scornfully] Bart! How could you shock you little sister? Bart: My finger slipped. [zapped] Whaaaaagh! Lisa: So did mine! [zapped by Bart] Aigh! [she retaliates] Bart: Arggh! [zaps Lisa again] Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [zaps both] -- At Doctor Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy. Episode 104, "There's No Disgrace Like Home'' It could be the one and only time I wish Scott and Jase were still in the house. PREPPY CHEF Drew and Cowboy go outside for some burger grilling action. Marvin comes out and says, "Woah! Pretty boys can cook?" Drew says, "Well, not as well as you can." Marvin says, "I have to cook for soap stars...you just have to cook for ex-strippers." Nakomis orders one burger, but Karen says she is watching her weight. Marvin says, "What?? After all that chocolate and shit she's been eating??" Cowboy replies, "Oh well, you know. She's percentages." (whu?) WITH A NUDGE NUDGE HERE Adria decides to stir things up outside. From out of nowhere she says, "So, how long have you two (Drew and Diane) been dating?" They try to laugh it off, but Adria pushes things, saying, "From the beginning?" They say not really. Adria asks if they will see each other after the show and if they have any plans. General non-committal banter ensues, heavily laced with a none of your business attitude, but Adria goes for the gusto, saying, "Well it seems like you guys fight all day, but I guess when you go to bed, y'all make up there, right?" AND A NUDGE NUDGE THERE Marvin joins in a little, and asks if they (Drew and Diane) get on each other's nerves. Diane says sometimes, and Marvin jokes that it just must be Diane getting on Drew's nerves. Drew quietly says, "not really." Adria snipes, "Boy, you in deep if she ain't gotten on your nerves." POP! GOES THE WEASEL As soon as Adria gets up and leaves, Diane blows her ever living stack. "What did I ever do to her? I don't appreciate her in my business!" Then Diane goes after Drew, saying, "You could have helped out more." Drew (Indian Name: Cowers without Balls) says, "Uh...I was trying to help you." WHEN IN DOUBT, DRINK BB, sensing that fun times are ahead, fills the storage room with Demon Alky-hol. Diane comes out and says, "Who wants to see a chick fight tonight?" Marvin advises Diane to cool it, saying, "Just tell her (Adria) her ass is gone on Thursday, so she can say whatever she likes." Diane, not understanding second grade playground behavior, wails, "What does she want from me, though?" Cowboy says, "To push your buttons. And you let it happen." Nakomis says, "This is why she (Adria) doesn't talk to me. Because I'll take a weight and whip her across the head." PEBBLY-POO Diane tells the HGs that her nickname in high school was "Pebbles" because she wore her hair in a high ponytail. The hamsters discuss The Flintstones and Karen tries to remember the name of Martian. Nakaomis says she finally remembers...Adam Ant! No. No. No. Amateurs. It was The Great Gazoo. NO PAIN, NO GAIN Cowboy says he wants to soak Nakomis and Diane with the hose. BB comes on the horn and says no, because they have their mics on. Cowboy says, "We know that." Karen says, "All they care about is the mics. We can crack our skulls open." Drew yells, "Take it out of my stipend. It will be worth it!" NOTABLE QUOTABLES Diane: "I'm high maintenance for a couple things, but mainly I'm low maintenance." Cowboy: "Ever since that week he (Marvin) wouldn't let me have HoH I haven't liked him." Karen: "I haven't talked to Diane. She doesn't conversate with me much." Diane: "Both of my parents are psycho."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 30, 2004

Time to charge head-on into another Monday morning here at the Tuna News. Now that the Olympics are put to bed, it's time to watch the Hamsters and see who will be the Gold Medal winner of the Stupidity Steeplechase. What's the latest in the house? Let's see. CURRENT SCORECARD MFMarvin is the current HoH. Cowboy and Adria were nominated for eviction. Adria was furious. Cowboy was...Cowboy. Karen won veto and spends every living moment avoiding Adria. Cowboy won BB's choice to receive a phonecall from home. Surely America wasn't that stupid. 1-800-CALLCOWB Cowboy rehashes his phone call on and on and on, winning him no friends whatsoever. Cowboy made April cry. Cowboy made Chasen cry. April told Cowboy he had "streaked enough." AMEN SISTER. After his phone call he kept asking Drew, "Did you talk to anybody today? I DID!" THERE GOES THAT AD CAMPAIGN Diane talks about adding salt to her beer. Marvin takes a sip and says it gags him. Then he notices the beer is a Heineken, and says, "Damn, Heineken already tastes like mule piss!" BITTERCAKES ALA DREW Drew is one unhappy puppy lately. He talks with Cowboy and asks, "Who is the strongest alliance in the house?" Cowboy, not understanding that alliance requires more than one person, says, "Marvin." Drew asks, "And who?" Cowboy says, "Diane?" Drew coolly says, "we are on the same page." To ever be on the same page with Cowboy seems a scary thought, but be that as it may, Drew sums it up with, "Marvin is next. He got out for a day. Screw him." PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT TWIN BEHIND THE CURTAIN Adria and Drew have a complain-fest. Drew, anxious to be just like whomever he is speaking too, blasts Diane, Marvin and Karen in turn. Marvin is cocky. Diane is cocky. Diane is a stubborn bitch. Adria tells Drew if Karen wins HoH, she knows who she will put up. Adria says she knows who EVERYBODY would put up. It's amazing that one can be so smart regarding everyone else, yet so self-unaware. Adria says she hopes the vote will be a tie so Marvin will have to break that tie. Unless Adria has a couple more identical siblings around, she doesn't have much of a chance. MORALITY: 1 ADRIA: 0 Adria continues her rant to Drew about all the secrets that she knows about other people. She says right now she is "holding it in." She says she wants to tell them everything...about all the deception, but she is "battling her morality" in regards to telling everybody's secrets. WORST EXCUSE EVER After forever, Diane finally busts into Adria/Drew conversation. Diane apologized, saying she waited as long as she could, but she needs her shoes. Thinking Diane might get the gold medal for stupid excuses, Adria tells Diane she and Drew were "having a private conversation about the Olsen Twins." BETTER THINK TWICE Diane tells Marvin, "I would love to get a letter from Lindsey (her twin) to see what she thinks about me. " CONSPIRACY THEORY #333 Marvin thinks that Adria is really....TRIPLETS! Diane and Nakomis talk him into going to the Diary Room to ask. He does, and claims they never gave him a straight answer. HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN The other HGs run down all of Adria's annoying sayings and behaviors. Marvin says, "I gave her (Adria) a chance to get herself off the block, and she didn't do it. " Karen thinks the twins were unsportsmanly when they were in power. Marvin says, "And that's why they're going out the door...the way she played Will and me, wanting us to grovel." Diane says, "She was the only HoH to actually lock the door on us." Marvin imitates Adria, saying, "Now it's time to play the game and have your integrity rise to the top." Nakomis says, "Last I checked, begging isn't competing." BB5 T-SHIRT BONANZA Nakomis, Karen and Marvin talk about making BB5 Tshirts with some of their favorite sayings: "You and Me to the End!" "Jesus Loves Me -- Read This Bible Verse -- Adria needs to be in the BB House!" "Jesus Told Me To Put You Up" "Jesus Wants You to Use the Veto" WE DIDN'T DO IT, HONEST! Karen, Marv, Diane and Nakomis cannot believe that America chose Cowboy to get the phonecall from home. GreenTuna proudly states that none of her votes went to Cowboy, and attributes this win to the almighty power of BB5's philosophy of "Vote all you like. We're gonna do whatever we want anyway." (See: Robert, BB4) Karen asks, "What does America see that made them fall for that shit in the first place? What do they see? Because THIS (Cowboy) 24/7 is intolerable!" Diane says, "His Acting?? Don't go there!" Karen asks, "What kind of pre-med? He said that and when he saw our faces, he changed the subject." HE AIN'T STOOPID, HE'S MY BROTHER The foursome from above wonder if Cowboy as stupid as he seems, or if it is all an act. Marvin thinks that nobody can act THAT dumb ALL the time. Nakomis says she knows a lot of people like Cowboy in Texas. NEXT VICTIM Karen goes into the bedroom to endure another Adria peptalk/tongue lashing/Bible session. Today's strategy: 1. GUILT HER Adria tells Karen, "Both Natalie and I tried to reach out to you for weeks. WEEKS!" 2. CONFUSE HER Adria tells Karen, "Maybe I play differently. I wanted people to come to me to use the veto, but NONE of them would do it." Karen says, "I heard them do it." Adria replies, "If you sit on the bus and never get off, who knows where you're gonna end up?" 3. THREATEN HER Adria tells Karen, "If you get rid of me, I can't help you. You gotta know there are other cut-throat people in this house." 4. INSULT HER Karen tells Adria, "You can read me like a book." Adria replies, "Maybe I'm reading the wrong pages." Adria says, "All I think about is, 'How can I help Karen get farther in the game?'" Karen says, "Everyone in the house is up to something. I have to be careful. I have to take baby-steps. Adria says, "You're not a leader? Have you ever been a leader in your life??" TAKE A NUMBER Cowboy joins the crowd outside and says, "I feel sorry for Karen. She's getting pounded by Adria." Drew says he already put in his time. He asks, "What did I put in tonight? An hour and a half??" THREE IDEA PILE-UP Karen tells Adria that she needs to think about her own fate before voting. She says she "lives in her head." Adria tells her, "That's why you gotta lay this out. Clear your head. Stuff piles up in there." SO MUCH FOR ROCKET SCIENCE Nakomis asks Diane, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Diane says, "Nothing." Nakomis asks, "Then why are you going to college?" Diane replies, "That's my biggest regret. Going to college." Nakomis says her biggest regret is NOT going to college. Diane says, "You're not missing anything. It's a big waste of time." Diane and Cowboy share stories of taking pre-college level math (courses you must take, pay for, and pass, but do not receive any college credit). Nakomis calls the classes, "Algebra for people who didn't pay attention in High School." Cowboy believes he will get a full scholarship to school to study acting. He says if he doesn't get "offered anything" then he will pursue a degree in directing and producing. THEY SAID IT Adria: "Sometimes I have trouble getting my words out." April (Cowboy's fiancee) told Cowboy, "My Daddy said if you don't stop crying, he's going to put a boot up your butt." Cowboy: "I thought April and Chasen might be caught crying on camera, so I tried to be respective on her end." Drew: "This pinky thing is gonna have to crumble." Nakomis: "If the twins vote for me (to win the entire game) I'll buy them something shiny!" Adria: "I try to talk to Nakomis, but she treats me like a puff of smoke." Karen: "The early bird poops on the Buick." Adria: (To Karen) "I've been totally open with you. Except for that little bit of time in the middle." Adria: "I have better reasons than money to be here. I'm a southern, Christian, caring woman. I'd rather sit here with a good name than be worrying about riches. Proverbs 22." PARTING SHOTS Diane: "Tomorrow I'm going to baste in the sun." Drew: "Bask." Diane: "Bast??"

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 27, 2004

We made it to the end of another work week. Marvin was MFMarvelous on "The Young and the Restless" and Natalie got a one-way ticket to Casa de Pissed off Will. Now that Marv is king of the castle, what fun and games happened last night in the BB House? PREGAME JITTERS Before the live show on Thursday, most of the HGs were chugging beers to "calm them down." It's unknown if Julie Chen had too many beers, or not enough, because after the live show was over, Diane said, "I heard Julie Chen say who was evicted while I was still in the Diary Room!" KIBBLES AND BITS Drew loves Uncle Ben. Well, he loves his wild rice. He eats it right out of the bag. Eat Drew, Eat. Maybe Drew dreams of being an Uncle Ben's Wild Rice Spokesperson. Diane and Nakomis walk over to Drew and proclaim that Uncle Ben's Wild Rice tastes like dog food. Marvin agrees. Watch Drew's contract go up in flames. Burn baby, Burn! Diane goes for the kill by saying, "I used to work in a dog kennel and I know what shit smells like!" EVICTION SCORECARD Diane and Nakomis think that anybody nominated with either Adria or Cowboy will survive the week. Nakomis tells Diane that if Drew and Diane were nominated, Diane would stay in the house. NAKOMIS, YOU ARE SAFE Marvin takes Nakomis aside and tells her she will be safe this week. He tells her she is "straight up" and plays the game "balls out." BB WORKOUT PALACE Karen tells Marvin they are going to turn the morgue into a workout room. Marvin says he'd still rather sleep on a slab or on the floor. Karen asks, "Don't you want to sleep in comfort?" Marvin says after his HoH week he wants to return to the morgue and "rough it." He thinks it makes him strong. MR. KNOW-IT-ALL Cowboy begins imparting all his wisdom on television, actors, and the Hollywood scene. How well does he do? 1. He tells Diane that if she does a soap, she'll be in LA. Ain't necessarily so. Many soaps and daytime shows are produced in New York, including One Life to Live, As the Word Turns, and All My Children. 2. He tells Diane that CBS has "Survivor" and NBC has "Fear Factor" Correct. 3. He tells Diane that NBC has "The Bachelor" Wrongo. ABC After going 1-3 in Television trivia, Cowboy says he wants to be on Young and the Restless. Then he goes back to beating the sitcom horse. He tells Diane he still wants her to be in his sitcom as "the flower shop girl." He says in a sitcom you work for three months and then they pay you all year because you're the star and they need you. But with a movie they pay you enough for you to live off of for two years. Cowboy then tells Nakomis she should be in movies. She tells him, "I'm not an actor." (HOORAY!!) Cowboy tells Nakomis that she should be in scary movies about witches and things like that. Please, somebody evict this boy. CALLING DR. RUTH Cowboy says the best sex is when it is raining outside. Mmmmmkay. I WANT AN OOMPAH LOOMPAH AND I WANT IT NOW!! Cowboy thinks BB should give them a "family day" where everybody gets to come into the house for a visit. GreenTuna snorts Diet Coke. Diane says she'd rather have a clothes day than a family day. She'd rather get a new outfit than see Lindsey. Niiiiice. THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS MY BOUNTY Marvin gets a Prince CD and gets ready to party like it's 1999. He also received a letter from home. His letter says the lawn has been cut, the animals were fed and watered, and "the funeral director was "lit" as usual." They got a new hearse, and replaced the wall in the embalming room. The letter also says, "We know this will probably get edited. Hope you get to read the good parts." Marvin says, "Yeah, you all edited that." He tells the HGs that his mom and his aunt read tea leaves to know what's going to happen. Later, Marvin chills out in the HoH room, listening to his music, eating chips and drinking a beer. He says, "Thank you, Jesus!" (Jesus: No problem, bro. I got twelve hours to eat, sleep, and mingle) NEXT UP: LOAVES AND FISHES Two bottles of air freshener appear. The hamsters say they all like Diane because when she asks for things, they suddenly appear. DIANE, YOU ARE SAFE Marvin pulls Diane aside. She says, "tell me what you want done. I have the power." He tells her she is safe this week, if she guarantees his safety next week if she wins HoH. He tells her she is a cool chick, and he respects how she plays the game. Marvin says "You protect me, and I'll protect you." They bump fists, and it's a done deal. For anybody keeping score that leaves Cowboy, Drew, Adria and Karen as potential nominees. SAVAGE JUNIOR, WE HARDLY KNEW YE Savage Junior goes out in a blaze of glory on the outdoor grill. Nakomis and Diane hum "Taps" and Nakomis does a 21-gun salute. Cowboy says, "They always cremate the heroes." Um, no. WHAT WOULD JULIA DO? Marvin and the other hamsters cook up some quesadillas for dinner. Nakomis uses a heavy hand with the cayenne pepper. Marvin tells her not to put in any more cayenne, saying, "There's a difference between spicy and need a new asshole!" He tells Nakomis to put some flame retardant on his. TWINS REVISITED Karen says that when Scott was voted out, it was a clean break and everybody started over again. But when Natalie was evicted, we still have all this emotional baggage (Adria). The Hamsters agree that Natalie was a "Female Jase." What a horrible thought THAT is. Nakomis rants about Adria's nomination of Marvin and Will (the black guy and the gay guy) and her rationale that "Jesus told her to do it." Nakomis says, "We're all the same. Cut us and we all bleed red." I SWEAR they used that line on Star Trek. RECAPPING PROPS Sometimes you just can't improve on the material given to you. Huge props to tntaangela over at Jokers, who wrote, "Karen tries to form some tears as Adria cried about her sister being gone, but realized they weren't coming, gave up, and went back to eating."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 26, 2004

Happy eviction day! Tonight we'll say seeya to either Cowboy or Natalie. I cannot remember many times I have rooted for Cowboy, but today I'm willing to make an exception. Here's to hoping for one less twin in the Big Brother house. CSI : HABITRAIL Tired of attacking each other, the hamsters focus on the dead dragonfly, which they have decided to call "Savage Junior." Dead bugs. Scott. Dead bugs. Scott. I can see that. Marvin goes all CSI on the HGs asking each where they were at the time of his demise. Tired of filming card games and undercover smooching, the Diary Room people ask Marvin about having a funeral. Marvin tells the other hamsters that "At 8:30 pm, Savage Junior went to glory." I'm thinking that's one BIG step up. A FEW LAME HAMSTERS In the midst of his CSI interrogation, Marvin begins to question Karen. Marvin yells, "I want the TRUTH!" Karen yells, "You can't HANDLE the TRUTH!" Marvin asks Karen if she ordered the "Code Red" on Savage Junior. Karen yells, "You're damn right I did! And I'd do it again!!" Karen adds, "I was jealous. I wanted the string around my ass, but I was too fat to fly." SAVAGE JUNIOR, R.I.P. The hamsters find a box in which to place Savage Junior and they pretend to hug and cry while the former dragonfly is laying in state on the Kitchen Table. Marvin places some flowers by his box. Adria walks by, takes one look at the setup and says, "that's silly." One of the HGs asks Marvin if they contacted his relatives. Marvin says, "It's hard when you get one that goes out like that. So fast -- just one day in the house. Some folks just aren't cut out for the BB house." NAKOMIS, CHIEF ENTOMOLOGIST Nakomis determines the dragonfly died from the cold temperature in the house. She says in San Antonio dragonflies live in 115-degree heat, but as soon as it cools down, they die. They know the BB house is set at 68 degrees, and then Cowboy laid a damp cloth on top of it. COWBOY -- SUPERHERO The girls start screaming. Again. They saw a spider. They yell for Cowboy to come over and get it, calling him "Spiderman." WINDMILLS AND GORILLAS Tomorrow's HoH competition will be based somehow on putt-putt golf. The hamsters are given a practice area with ramps, etc. It will be based on accuracy. Maybe Bob Barker will show up and give a practice putt to "show them how it's done." I WANT MY MTV The hamsters play a regrettable round of MTV and 80s trivia. They wonder who did the video "Money for Nothing." Karen convinces the houseguests dumber than she is (meaning, everyone in this case) that it was the group Men at Work. Poor Karen. It wasn't Men at Work. They live in the land down under and eat vegemite sandwiches. Correct answer: Dire Straits. LAST DITCH EFFORT Natalie corners Karen in the shower and goes at it yet again. The arguments are as followed: 1. Old vs. Young -- Natalie complains that she is afraid the "youngsters" are going to win the game. She and Karen are old and married (she says, "we are the only old bags") , and therefore, somehow, inexplicably, more deserving of the money. 2. You're Safe -- Natalie promises Karen that she'd be safe if she kept Natalie. She tells Karen, "If I stay and get HoH next week, I won't put you up. If I go, you may go the week after me. Or you may be staying." 3. Jesus is her Co-Pilot -- Natalie tells Karen that she knows the vote is difficult this week. She says she doesn't want Karen to tell her her vote because Natalie lets the Lord come to her to help her. 4. She is her own person -- Natalie cries that she is an individual. She says she and Adria lead separate lives. She says she can't help it that Adria decided to be her friend in the game. 5. Don't Hate Her Because She's Strong -- Natalie complains that she is sick of being stereotyped because she is so strong. 6. Nobody Knows The Trouble She Seen -- Natalie tells Karen that she wouldn't believe what Natalie has "been through" while at the house. Natalie believes that people have put her through a great deal of hardships. 7. Can I Get an "Amen?" -- Natalie says despite it all, she just keeps sending up her prayers every day. 8. Oh, And One More -- In case you missed it, Natalie tells Karen (probably for the twentieth or so time during this conversation) she hopes she considers what she has told her. She says, "I am doing this because Jesus wants me to (Jesus: Holy Cripes. I'm a little busy over here. Pass the caviar. And the ostrich eggs). I do not break my word when I give it. I DON'T BREAK MY WORD!!" BEST LINE EVER At the end of the full on Natalie assault, Karen sums up the conversation with a straight-faced, "And thanks for the no pressure thing." WORTHLESS HAMSTER TRIVIA Nakomis was home-schooled. Cowboy's birthday is December 12th. AS THE HoH TURNS Natalie and Adria slam on Nakomis. Natalie says there was no reason to talk to Nakomis this week. She says, "I talked to her the last two weeks and it grossed me out. She thinks she is queen of the house now." Oh, and Natalie tells Adria that she is only here because Jesus wants her to do this. (Jesus: Uh, Natalie? I gotta get gas for Brandon's bus ride. Please take a number). MARRIED TO THE MOB Nakomis revisits the pinky swear. She tells Karen that if Natalie leaves, then Adria will have "paid" her finger, and they will be square. Nakomis says, "I'll tell her (Adria) 'you can hold a grudge if you want, but if you're going to hold a grudge and lie to me and say you won't, don't be around me.'" Thank goodness THAT was cleared up. MAFIA, MARTHA STUART STYLE Nakomis worries about Drew and his vote. She says, "If he goes back on his word I am going to let him know the game is on between me and him. If I keep getting lied to, pillowcases are going to end up over people's head." DEAD TWIN WALKING Sister Natalie gets the last word today, as she tells Adria, "Someone asked me before I came into the game, 'Why are you taking in your Bible? Don't you think that it will be threatening to others?' Natalie answered, "Heck yes. Anyone who stands for God will take hits."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 25, 2004

It's the Wednesday edition of the TunaNews. The place where all your BB information is tossed into a blender and served with a slice of lemon. Before we get to today's dribble, The TunaNews must make a correction regarding a previous post and the apparent mix-up of OSU and OU. Cowboy and the championship football team represented the great institution of OU. GO OU!! Apologies to all those Oklahoma fans on either side of the interstate. As one who constantly has to hear about that nasty school down the road that likes to call itself THE University of Mitten, I know how old that can get. That being said, let's see what mischief those hamsters were up to yesterday. A BUG'S LIFE In an effort to alleviate the crushing boredom of the house, the hamsters decide to torture bugs. They catch a dragonfly, tie a string around it for a leash, and parade it around the house as their "pet." They drag it into the Diary Room, and also put it on Diane's back to scare her. Not surprisingly, the dragonfly...dies. Cowboy attempted to save it by putting a damp paper towel over it, but evidently wet smothering was not exactly therapeutic. TINY BUBBLES In an effort to give the hamsters something to do that doesn't death, BB gives them bubbles. The HGs are less than thrilled with this gift, saying they'd rather have beer. They wonder if Play-Doh is next. SEQUESTER INFORMATION Karen says that she has learned that the evicted hamsters are not allowed to talk about the game with the other losers, er...evicted hamsters. The outcasts will only be allowed to see competitions while in the sequester house. THE YOUNG AND THE HEARTLESS The hamsters are given the opportunity to see Marvin's big Y&R scene (or so we imagine, based on fish and the conversation that followed). The twins remember that Scott said he was a pool boy, and they wonder if he would still be a pool boy if he went on Y&R. One of the twins comments, "That was the most country club type gym I've ever seen." Nakomis admits, "I don't know what I would have done on that show. Is there a tattoo parlor nearby?" WE'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT If it's 4:30, it must be time for Cowboy to be an actor. He says he wants to do a movie with Julia Roberts. Ever the magnanimous thespian, he says he would be in any move she would want him to be in, so producers..."hook me up!" TWO WORDS: "SHUT UP" If it's Tuesday it must be time for the twins to start badmouthing someone. Today's victim is Drew...and everybody else. Drew is scared. Drew is childish. Natalie says, "Two words: Twenty-Two." Damn that Drew for being twenty-two. Now the twins go after everybody else. People talk bad about production when they should be thankful they have this opportunity. People in the house are immature. It's worse than college days. It's a diaper fest. It's high school. They say they feel like they're stuck in teenville with teenyboppers. DUELING DUMMIES Cowboy: (after a "twin" workout) "Whew! I haven't sweated this much since the last time I had sex!" Diane: "I gave blood to my sister one year for Christmas, because she treated me like water." Cowboy: "Well, don't get me wrong, because I could be wrong." Diane: "Drew will vote how I vote, but don't be shocked if he doesn't." Cowboy: "I'm going to have to take this bar trick on the road. To a bar." FINAL WORDS Marvin made a sign and put it over his bed. It said, "Thanks Fans! *Heart* Marvin"

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 24, 2004

It's the Tuesday edition of TunaNews. Grab your box of Tide and let's see what's happening inside the BB house. Where in Genoa City did America's Choice Winner Marvin show up? Is he Jill's new love interest? Or perhaps Kay Chancellor's new pool boy? And, will he have the little fake cigar?? Alas, according to the Young and the Restless website, Marvin is stuck in a scene with Michael (lawyer, former convict, former rapist -- not in that order) and Phyllis (Nutcase, Stalker and marriage wrecker). Well Marvin, it's better than having to look at Cowboy all day right? B.A.R.F.Y. Adria shares that her husband puts "S.H.M.I.L.Y." on presents and letters. It stands for "See How Much I Love You." EAT EM' UP -- EAT EM' UP -- RAH! RAH! RAH! The twins go for a full-court press, which is a little unusual considering they are softball players, not basketball players. But there really is no specific strategy for baseball. It's hit the ball or catch the ball. Sports analogies aside, Natalie and Adria decide to go after Drew and Diane separately. Natalie tells Adria, "If you say something out loud, people believe it." GreenTuna doubts that philosophy is true, since Cowboy is STILL yammering about being an actor. HIT EM' WHEN THEY'RE DOWN As Natalie and Adria finish hatching their master plan of annoying the other hamsters to death, they take another opportunity to kick Will while he's down. They say they hope his eviction helped him learn something about "sportsmanship." USE THE "I" FORMATION Natalie goes after Diane, browbeating her with softball, the Bible and a chorus or two of "I Will Always Love You." She asks Diane, "How am I going to back you up if I'm not here? Who's gonna watch your back? " Diane is given no time to answer as Natalie continues, "I can't help you if I'm not here. I can't help Drew if I'm not here. I don't know where Cowboy stands, but I know where I stand. And I know where Adria stands. And I know where Drew stands. And I KNOW where you stand, and I want to help you." As Adria comes in, wondering how the Spanish Inquisition is going (bring me...the comfy chair!) Natalie tells Adria, "We're just all getting on the same page." HELL EXPRESS, TAKE TWO Nakomis chooses a window seat, and Karen takes the aisle on the hell express. The topic today is THE BIBLE and how much it pisses them off. Nakomis goes on a rant about the twins and the Bible, saying, "that's why the Bible really pisses me off, because it's so GENERAL!" Of course, Nakomis really said this in a Marvin dialect, so feel free to add the cusswords of your choice. Nakomis says she wants certain comments the twins made to show up on TV, for example all the Bible stuff. She says one of her pet peeves is people who are wrong and don't admit it. SAVED BY THE BIBLE Adria tells Drew that when she was HoH, "So many people told me so much crap, I could bust this house open if I wanted to!" Sister Adria continues and tells Drew, "But I won't, because I read my passages, and that's not the Christian way." Adria says she's not going to be a gossip and do that to other people. BURMA-SHAVE Adria tells Drew that she knew what she was getting herself into last week. She says she knew she'd be on the block this week, and for some reason, she was allowed to take herself off the block, and she knows that is a SIGN. WORD-A-DAY Cowboy, the newly nominated hamster for the BIG WHEEL (similar to the BIG SLEEP) gives some advice to Natalie. He tells her how cocky he was with Scott and Jase in the house. He says, "if I'm gone, you guys don't get too cocky." Natalie tells Cowboy she doesn't think he was cocky, she thinks he was submissive. Cowboy asks, "What's submissive?" NUMBERS GAME HUDDLE Drew and Diane attempt to figure out what to do without benefit of Cheez-It or Gummy Bears. Drew is swayed by the Natalie argument that keeping Natalie and voting out Cowboy gives them four (Diane, Drew, Natalie and Adria) instead of three. Diane says she has already promised to vote out Cowboy, and she is afraid if both twins are in the house next week, Diane is gone. Diane tells Drew that she is voting for Natalie to leave. She tells him that Natalie takes shots at her with "rude things and stuff." Drew doesn't understand, and Diane tells him, "I KNOW softball girls." FIRST DOWN -- UP THE MIDDLE Diane tells Drew she is angry with him for not wanting to talk to her, but being willing to talk to everybody else. SECOND DOWN -- UP THE MIDDLE Diane yells at Drew for what she feels is the strong possibility that he will not speak to her after BB is over. THIRD DOWN -- UP THE MIDDLE Diane tells Drew, "Do what you want" but turns around a minute later and tells Drew that he is smarter than she is, so he should just tell her what to do. FOURTH AND LONG -- PUNT After arguing in circles with Drew about everything from aliens to philosophy to numbers, Diane finally -- after dissing the loaves and fishes yesterday -- goes for broke and tells Drew that, "God has a plan," hoping that Drew figures out that God's plan is to do whatever Diane tells him to do.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 23, 2004

There's not much more to say than 'It's Monday' yet again. What were the happenings in the BB house this weekend? Fire up the barby and check it out. HELL EXPRESS Diane buys a one-way ticket for the Hell Express by dissing loaves and fishes. Drew says he's "trying to figure out how Jesus fed a crowd with three fishes and loaves." GreenTuna buys a one-way ticket for the Hell Express and hands it to Drew because he can't even get the story right. Fives loaves, two fish. Anyway -- Diane snots, "Oh, like a magic loaf of bread?" Diane then says that there are "all those stories about miracles in the bible, and where are they now?" Has she never seen Touched by an Angel? Drew says Jesus isn't on earth right now, so things are different. Yes. Now we don't call it "magic loaf" ... we call it "Wonder Bread." ALIEN NATION Drew and Diane continue their theological and philosophical discussion by talking about ghosts and aliens. After Karen and Drew discuss aliens and evolution, Diane proclaims that to fully explain her view it would take "hours and hours." Drew asks her to give them just a brief synopsis. Diane says she believes "there are aliens who are smarter than us, do experiments on us while we sleep, and abduct people all the time." (your joke here) 2004 FALL SEASON PREVIEW In case you hadn't heard -- Cowboy wants to be an actor. Cowboy wants his own sitcom. Cowboy says he wishes he could get himself a sitcom, because then he'd only have to work three months, and then he'd be home the rest of the year. He adds insult to ignorance by adding, "I'd like to get one (sitcom) close to home, but if they offered, I'd take it. I'm not stupid. (your joke here) SPORTING NEWS Adria and Natalie offer up their very own interpretation of game-playing and how it relates to sports. Natalie says, "It's like knocking down someone with a ball, or sliding into someone. You don't do it out of hate. You do it because it's a sport." Later, she says, "When I'm gone and you're here, whatever you do, you have to make it hurt." Unsportsman-like conduct, 15 yards. REVISIONIST HISTORY Cowboy, Natalie and Adria remember the good old days. Cowboy says, "I liked Jase." Adria says, "I liked Jase too. I thought Jase was a pretty cool guy. There's childish stuff, and then there is kid-like stuff that's funny." Natalie adds, "Even when Jase thought he hated me, he really loved me." O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, OKLAHOMA..YOW! Marvin talks football, and tries to remember who played in the championship game last year. He knows one team was Louisiana Tech. Finally, the hamsters figure out the opponent was none other than Oklahoma State. Marvin asks Cowboy how the freak he didn't know OSU was in the championship game. Marvin says, "You got OSU all over your underwear and you don't know that shit? Come ON, Man!" (Keep up Cowboy, Keep up) GRILLMASTER It's a big night at the outdoor grill. After a steak dinner the hamsters roast marshmallows. From afar, TinyTuna yells "Fire the HO!" Marvin has never had a toasted marshmallow before, and he likes it. He asks if these are what s'mores are, and Nakomis tells him they need chocolate and graham crackers. Sometime after s'mores, they decided to grill the cat. The good luck cat. The demonic good-luck cat that was Holly's that she bequeathed to Jase who, in turn, got evicted. Diane says BB told her they could burn the kitty, but that was it. Marvin says the only reason they will let them burn the cat is because everybody hated Holly. Cowboy deadpans, "too bad we couldn't burn Savage's shorts." Later, Drew touches the kitty and surprised to see that it is how. "Gee, wonder why?" Asks Marvin. "It's only been sitting on a fire for twenty minutes." COWBOY FORECAST, PARTY GLOOMY Cowboy is in the kitchen crying over the fact that Adria and Natalie are both nominated, and next week he will have 50% fewer twins to suck up to. Adria and Natalie give him a pep talk, and Cowboy tells them he's just "feeling gloomy." DOH BB gives them hamsters a new treadmill. Drew steps on it and immediately breaks it. AND THEN HE PARANOID ME Marvin asks Diane where the twins went. Diane answers, "conspirisizing." Nakomis interprets and says, "they are talking somewhere."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 20, 2004

Thank God it's Friday. And Nakomis, for that matter. Now that Marvin has promised to be a little gay at least once a day and Will has taken the walk of shame, we can get down to business. Will Nakomis seek pinky vengeance? Will Diane survive another night of houseguests trying to paranoy (tm Diane) her? Let's see... FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD Shortly after the live show, they went right into the food competition. HGs had a plate of their "dream" dinner set before them. The twist (there's ALWAYS a twist, yo) is the plate of food got dumped into a blender, and they had to drink it. Yum Yum Yum. It's not exactly Haggis, but close enough, I suppose. Each hamster played for food for the house for a particular day. Friday - Cowboy Cowboy's menu consisted of sweet and sour chicken, fried rice, fortune cookies and Dr. Pepper. Cowboy guzzles it down. HGs win Friday food. Saturday - Marvin Marvin's menu is lobster tail, fried shrimp (with tails), steamed oysters with lemon, french fries and a Corona. As Nakomis blends Marvin's dinner she says it "looks like sediment." Marvin is unable to down a glass of concrete. No winner. PB&J for Saturday. Later Marvin says he never wants to see another lobster tail again. Sunday - Adria Adria's menu is Fettucini Alfredo, zucchini, chocolate cake and red wine. Since Sunday is the Lord's day, Adria has no problem whatsoever. She yells, "I can't taste the chocolate cake!" Jesus mutters that he's busy with the Amazing Race people right now. Monday - Drew Drew's menu is Spinach/Artichoke dip, Fillet Mignon (rare), broccoli, baked potato with all the trimmings, apple pie ala mode with sugar and caramel and a Corona light. Drew's Fillet Mignon moos sadly as it is dropped into the blender, and Cowboy sheds a single tear. The smoothie, she is lumpy, but Drew rises to the occasion. Food on Monday. Tuesday - Karen Karen's menu appears to be the Saturday night 3am post-barnight special: A bean burrito, steak taco with lime sauce, chocolate taco and a diet Coke. Karen yells "Freedom!!!" Actually she claims her victory for the Taco Club. Karen needs to widen her circle of friends. Later, Cowboy congratulates Karen, telling her, "You chuga-lugged that!" Karen says, "I wanted to look cool." Wednesday - Natalie The Lord is up to bat again as Natalie drinks a glass of Fillet Mignon, steamed vegetables, sweet potato, coffee, and an ice cream/brandy dessert. Reciting a Psalm about fatted calves, Natalie wins food for the house. Amen. Thursday - Diane Diane faces spinach-veggie pizza, steamed vegetables, salad, chicken, mashed potatoes and water. Diane claims it smells good, but after a couple of chugs she yells, "it tastes like hay!" Inexplicably she then proclaims she is going to pretend that she's at the bar. Because, I guess, she drinks hay at the bar. Marvin tells Diane to "go to the happy place in your mind." Diane does just that and wins food for Thursday. THE YOUNG AND THE CLUELESS The mere mention of additional television time sends the hamsters into a frenzy. Cowboy says he was campaigning for Young and the Restless in his sleep. Cowboy (who doesn't listen well) asks his fellow fame-seekers if the Y&R stint will be a starring role. The twins tell him no, it will be a walk-on or bit-part. Meanwhile, after breaking a bunch of BB rules regarding contracts and names, Karen admits that she won't be doing Y&R anytime soon because she "doesn't even know how to play the damn game!" NEW MATH More Y&R talk with Drew and Diane. They first complain about the America's Choice contest, saying they wish it were a date instead of Young and the Restless. Diane says, "maybe it will be a tie (between Drew and Diane) and we can do some cheesy love scene together. Drew asks Diane what she thinks about soap operas. She tells him she thinks of love triangles. She says she has already been involved in three triangles herself in this house. No matter how many Cheez-Its and Skittles I use, I can't figure her numbers out for the life of me, unless she is including a mirror and a couple of multi-personalities. STICKS AND STONES Name-calling heard around the house: Natalie says, "Diane is one of those types of girls everyone likes even though she is a butthole." Karen says, "Natalie is the more evil one..." Nakomis says, "I want to see what Cowboy will say. He's a little snitch." THURSDAY NIGHT BIBLE-STUDY Sister Natalie approaches Drew, Bible in hand. She tells him she likes reading specific passages which help her to be "Christlike." Drew expresses doubt, and Sister Natalie gets in his face about reading passages concerning forgiveness, letting bygones be bygones, oh...and letting the twins win all the money. Sister Natalie tells Drew she loves him. Sister Adria joins Sister Natalie and tells Drew she loves him. Before they leave, they tell Drew he MUST read the chapters she told him to read because he will get alot out of it (or Sisters Natalie and Adria will whup his unsaved ass) FROM THE 'DUH' FILES Diane says that Will's parting statement was ironic. Drew says, "that's why he said it." Adria spends a lot of time trying to figure out Will's last words ("If Karma is a boomerang, I'll see you sooner rather than later"). Adria doesn't know what or who "Karma" is. She asks, "Is it Karma Electra?" PET PEEVES OF DESPERATE PLAYERS Adria and Natalie sit on the hammock of "we're in the creek minus a paddle or two." They justify knocking out Will, saying that his bad attitude (at being nominated) got him OUT of the house. Adria complains that she has had to do all the dirty work in the game. She says, "some of the people don't even want to stand up for THE TEAM!!" I'm thinking that's probably because you just voted some of your team out of the game. THE PLAN Nakomis opens an extra-large can of Whup-Ass and lays out the plan for Karen. She says she is putting up both twins, telling them, "You look alike. You act alike. Now you are going out alike." Nakomis declares, "This week is for Will. They want to see competitiveness? They want to see fight and character? They just opened up a whole can they cannot handle." GIVING THE FINGER Nakomis continues her planned-nomination rant, saying, "I'm going to call her (Adria) out and say 'Adria? You owe me a finger (holding up the pinky finger swear of life). Natalie? You're up there because I want you gone. Decide which one of you is leaving. One of you owes me a finger.'" THAT'S MF-MARVELOUS TO YOU COWBOY: "That competition was MARVIOUS SOMEBODY: "The word is Mar-vel-ous."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 19, 2004

It's eviction day in the Big Brother House. BB has decided voting will be LIVE tonight, meaning the show will be packed with nail-biting intrigue as we all try to guess...Oh who am I kidding? Voting will be live because Jo-Ann's Fabric and Crafts ran out of padding. What happened last night in the House of the Rising Hamsters? Let's see... ARTS AND CRAFTS In an attempt to surpass the fifth-grade art known as "painting ceramic pigs" the hamsters have a rip roaring session of "M&M art on a plate." Next up: Making sit-upons with plastic and newspapers. STRESS -- THE 15th PLAYER Adria and Natalie critique the HGs (behind their backs, natch). One of them mentions Diane and says, "Did you notice how Diane is always holding her abs? Stress will do that to you." Later, Nakomis and Karen talk outside. Nakomis says everybody else is inside in the kitchen. Karen asks, "Around the island?" Nakomis says, "Yeah, they made that island a major stress point." JESUS -- THE 16th PLAYER Yesterday it was feeds and fishes for the Big Guy in the BB house. Natalie sermonizes that God has plans for everyone. Diane says, "Maybe that's why I'm here." Lightning bolts barely miss her because she is holding her abs. Later, Natalie and Adria talk. Sister Natalie tells Adria that God has always put them up against tough challenges. Sister Natalie then reads a Psalm about staying righteous with the Good people while shunning the bad. Mother Superior Natalie then instructs Adria to pray about the game. God thinks if the two of them hold still, he's got a pretty good shot. GLORY DAYS Cowboy goes on and on about Chasen (April's son) and how Chasen will be the most popular kid in the 2nd grade because Cowboy is on television. Cowboy knows that when he gets back home, he'll be the star of Chasen's class and will probably go in and talk to them. Cowboy is excited because they'll make him cards. Hopefully Chasen's class didn't get the live feeds and won't ask Cowboy to do his "hat trick." BEHOLD, THE POWER OF CHEESE Diane discusses the Diary Room. She complains that they ask her the same thing every day. Without revealing the topic, Diane says, "How would you like it if you didn't like cheese, and all the DR ever asks you about everyday is cheese?" (spam, spam, spam, spam, LOVELY SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM! spam, spam, spam, LOVELY....I DON'T LIKE SPAM!! Bloody Vikings) PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT That Was Monty Python Back There, In Case You Were Confused. GENIE IN A BOTTLE Will asks all the HGs if they had three wishes, what would they be? Aside from all the "world peace" type answers that don't need to clutter the Internet, some more interesting answers were: Cowboy - Wisdom. Karen - A full set of kidneys for Larry. Marvin - His own CBS show called "What Marvin Wants" Nakomis - A purple sky instead of a blue sky. Diane, Will and Drew - All disqualified with three "world peace" answers. Job, money, happiness. Blah blah. Yawn. THE NAME GAME The hamsters tick off names they like and dislike. Drew has seen one too many soap operas, as he lists "Blake," "Brock," "Natalia," and "Alana" as names he likes. Diane says she likes the name "Brooke" (see Survivor 9, Vanuatu). Diane also says she likes "Taylor Landon" or "Landon Taylor". Maybe it's because she could mix them up and nobody would know. Either that, or it reminds her of a retail clothing chain. Nakomis says she likes the name "Victoria" (woot!) but Will says he would shit bricks if somebody called her "Vicki." GreenTuna thinks it's a big improvement over other names siblings might think of. Will and Nakomis are "not cool" with the name Renee. Sorry, all you Renees out there. DAYTIME GABFEST The HGs espouse their love for TiVo and daytime talk shows. Will loves Oprah. Adria likes Montel. Marvin says he loves Maury. He says he likes "that DNA stuff." Marvin adds, "I'll be late to work just to find out if the guy is the daddy." DEEP THOUGHTS Marvin: (After hearing Diane say that she passes out on her own all the time) "I pass out ALL the time. Especially after I've had a few Coronas." Diane: "The Diary Room loves all of us." Cowboy: "Sometams people gets to me cuz thrr not thrrselves, and sometams thrrselves gets to me." (Translated: "Sometimes people get to me because they are not themselves. And sometimes themselves get to me.") (Translated: What?) Adria: (After hearing Cowboy saying he's smart) "Oh yeah. You're very smart. I don't put nothin' past you." (Translated: SNORT)

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 18, 2004

Happy Hump Day here at the Tuna News. All the tears, jeers, gossip and one-liners arranged for you on a single sheet. WHAT'S IN A NAME Marvin tells the hamsters that his childhood nickname (from his mom) was "Spewter Booter" and he has no idea what it means. Diane says her nickname (from her dad) was "Coal Bucket". THEY DON'T CALL HER WONDER WOMAN FOR NOTHING Diane is talking about Natalie and Adria's Super Spidey powers. She tells Drew, "I know the twins don't trust me. They don't have twinglish as much as they have telepathy power. I felt like prey walking into the kitchen tonight because they both were sending me subliminal shots in the stomach. NO STRIVING ACTORS HERE. Thank goodness Arnold Shapiro screens to make sure they don't have any striving actors. Diane tells Drew that she doesn't need a college degree for modeling and acting. Diane also says, "CBS hates me now, because I let it be known that I came here for exposure for my career." HEY, AN APPLE! Diane tells Drew that college is just too hard for her. She says she is smart, but cannot get good grades. She says, "I can't study and I have ADD and I'm lazy." Then she adds, "What's ADD?" *POOF* THERE IT IS! Nakomis, Karen and Will complain about the horrible week. Nakomis says, "This has been a week of total drama. Everything is drama. There could be a poof of air, and drama stems from it." PHILOSOPHY 101 Karen: Everything is going to be ok. Nakomis: Either that, or we're all going to die. Nakomis: If my mother shows up (when she's evicted), she's either going to hug me or stab me. LET US PRAY Nakomis tells Will and Karen that her mother is Methodist and works for the church. She says her mother signed a "morality agreement" so she cannot participate in this show, because it might have naked people or bad language. Will says he went to a Methodist school for four years and met some "really cool people." Nakomis agrees that they are cool, adding, "they have their prayer groups and I'm going to be in it for some reason. I'm not going to be able to walk through my mother's business without one of them having to stop me, and (saying) like, 'Pray with me.'" Will says, "Oh listen honey, I've been on the Southern Baptist prayer list since day one. Don't even get me started on that." SAFARI PLANET Drew and Diane suffer from boredom, bantering, and random acts of paranoia. Drew admits that he's tired of all the drama. Diane says, "Don't let it get to you. We have all flipped out." Drew recalls how he flipped out on Jase, and then tells Diane, "You are like a Parrot. You talk to much." Diane counters with, "Well...You are like a Turtle. You don't talk enough." Then, she adds, "No, you are like a Camel! Because they hold grudges. You didn't know that?? Camels hold grudges for an exorbitant amount of time when somebody hurts them." (Remember, Drew and Diane are not accredited zoologists, nor do they hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. They are simply enthusiastic hamsters with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all God's Creatures, just like BRIAN FELLOW!) LAST HAMSTER STANDING Last night was the night of a thousand one-liners and quick comebacks. Marvin: You know it's a slow day in the Big Brother house when you have to have a rematch for the best handstand in the pool. Diane: Tonight Will is giving kissing lessons, if you'd like to attend. Marvin: I'll wait for the book. Karen: This is normal. This is what I eat at home. It's salad. Marvin: It's colon-blow. Diane: I was just having a bad day. Marvin: Girl, you have a bad day every other day. Drew: Every other hour. Marvin: I'm donating 10% of all my BB5 winnings to Oprah's Angel network. Cowboy: She'll be calling you first. Marvin: Hell, she don't call me now. I'm still waiting for Halle Berry to call me. Diane: The first time I can get drunk, everybody's giving me their beer and I'm getting sloshed. But I could never take a beer from you, Marvin, because you'd have my arm chopped off. Drew: Jase is so full of shit. It's worse than a hog farm. Natalie: The people are so flaky in here, they're worse than cornflakes. Adria: Head and Shoulders has never seen so many flakes. Karen: Marvin, stop smelling Diane's hair. Marvin: I've been in here too long. Everybody is starting to look cute. Cowboy's lookin' a little cute today. BB: (interrupting the late-night poker game) Houseguests, how are you doing tonight? Just wanted to tell you there's going to be a lockdown in the early hours of the morning, so when you guys go inside please pull the shades down. And uh, Marvin, there's something to be said for loving from afar, so if you could love Lori from the Memory Wall.... (Marvin had grabbed Lori's picture and put it on the poker table for good luck) Drew: BB, could we have some George Harrison music in the morning? And...could you please tell me what Cowboy's cards are? PARTING SHOTS Marvin: Why don't you MoFos get out of my house and give me a half million dollars?

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 17

It's some seriously slim pickins here at the Tuna News. Adria chose not to use The Power of Veto, making Will feel safe for eviction this week. Hopefully he'll enjoy this safe feeling for the next couple of days ... before he is evicted. What else happened last night in the Habitrail? Let's see. DIANE THE BIG MOUTH Diane let it slip in front of Nakomis that Marvin will be around next week when she said, "I'm not playing in the food competition with Marvin." Lucky for Diane Nakomis was a few beers ahead of her, and didn't seem to notice. SOME PIG! The hamsters have to deal with another member in the BB house. We'll call her Charlotte. INSPIRATIONAL MOMENTS Cowboy tells Natalie that he really liked Robert from BB4. Those of us who were there for that train wreck of a season are now excused to purge. Cowboy thinks Robert was a good father because he cried. Cowboy says he tries not to cry too much at home. Cowboy never explains why on earth he'd be crying at home, but sometimes it's just better not to know. LARRY BOY! Karen talks about her second favorite topic of conversation (I'm just not touching the first topic), which is, of course, her husband Larry. Karen admits that she and Larry spend all day, every day together. Marvin asks Karen, "are you ever in separate rooms?" Karen answers, "Only when I paint. This is the first time I've been away from him." Marvin says, "This must be the shock of your life! You met him right out of high school, been together ever since, took each other's virginity...Damn! Y'all have the most co-dependent relationship I've ever heard of in the world!" IT'S NOT EXACTLY A BURNING BUSH Diane tells Drew that the food restriction people listen to her because everytime she has to go into the SR, it lights up right away. KEEP UP, COWBOY, KEEP UP Cowboy tells Adria he thinks that for things to "work out" Will will have to go this week. This, of course, had already been decided several days ago, but it's nice to have everybody on the same page. TWIN TWIST REVEALED! Diane, in the middle of a paranoia attack, questions Marvin on why he "scurried away" late last night (after talking to Natalie) when she walked into the kitchen. Marvin tells Diane that BB told him to put on his mic, and he didn't want to wake the sleeping hamsters. Diane asks, "Why did you run into the cement room and slam the door shut?" Marvin says, "Are you sure that wasn't Harvin? Harvin doesn't have the mole." PARTING SHOTS Diane: "Drew, do yourself a favor and go to sleep before you say something else retarded."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 16, 2004

It's the Monday morning edition of the Tuna News. Backstabbing, paranoia and tears are the name of the game today, so sit back, grab a box of tissue and sing another verse of ... "IT'S ONLY A GAME" CURRENT SCORECARD HoH - Adria Nominated - Will and Marvin Who Von Veto - Adria CURRENT ALLIANCES Oh Shit Alliance - Will, Karen, Nakomis Oh Shit We Need More People Alliance - Will, Karen, Nakomis AND Diane Power Twins Alliance - Adria, Natalie, Diane Drew Mole Alliance - Natalie and Cowboy Paranoid Alliance - Diane and everybody else in the house One is the loneliest Number Alliance - Marvin This is the story in a nutshell: 1. Will and Marvin are up, and then Adria goes and wins Power of Veto. Will scrambles to make sure Adria WILL NOT use the veto. Will fears Adria would take down Marvin and put up Nakomis. Nakomis vows heretofore unseen vengeance with lots of poop in the HoH bed. 2. Meanwhile...Will, Karen and Nakomis spend a lot of time talking to Diane and telling her all their secret alliance plans. They feel it would be stupid to keep Marvin in the house. They feel that when they win HoH next week, they would nominate Adria and Natalie, forcing one of them to leave the house. 3. Meanwhile...The Power Twins Alliance is very strong. Adria and Natalie talk a lot of smack while they have the safety of HoH. Diane repeats EVERYTHING the Oh-Shit alliance has told her. Diane admits that she has "both teams in her hand." The current plan is to let the vote be a 3-3 tie, leaving Adria to break the tie and she would vote out ... WILL. 4. Meanwhile...Natalie and Cowboy have a meeting of the minds (such that it could possibly be). Cowboy likes nothing better than to spill his gut and tell what every single person has ever said to him about anybody else. Cowboy also goes on and on and on about honor and playing by your word which is exactly what Natalie wants to hear. Natalie tells Cowboy she trusts him, and sends him forth to find out what everybody else is saying. Cowboy is thankful that at least one person in the house will speak to him. Natalie knows that there's nothing like an honorable foot soldier to go into battle and do your dirty work... 5. Meanwhile...In order for the Power Twins Alliance NOT to look suspicious while they strategize in the HoH room, Diane leaves first and Drew leaves later. Diane, of course, has an entire breakdown, because Drew was in the HoH Room FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR (OH MY GOD!!) after she left. 6. Meanwhile...Marvin is just blowin' in the wind. KING OF THE ONE-LINERS The hamsters play golf outside, with Marvin providing the commentary. He calls Drew "Johnny Quest, he calls Diane "The Former Stripper" and he calls Natalie "Camel Toe." We now join the game in progress... Marvin: "Here she is...The Ex-stripper (Diane) that gives it up easier than penny slots in Las Vegas. Here she is...The Ex Stripper who is easier than first grade!" Diane: "Where do you come up with these things?" Marvin: "I got a million of them. At least enough until next Thursday." Cowboy: "So she stripped in first grade?" Marvin: "Keep up, Cowboy. Keep up." HAMSTER INTERPRETATION From a conversation with Natalie and Cowboy: Cowboy: "The majority of my life when I've been told something it never happened. My mom would promise to take us places but it never happened. It hurt. She would have excuse for everything. So I took that and I learned from it. So when I say I'm going to do something, I do it. (Interpretation) I wanted to go on the pony rides. She promised me I could go on the pony rides. But...I didn't go on the pony rides and now I'm scarred for life and I align myself with anybody that reminds me of the pretty, pretty ponies....WAAAAHHHH! Natalie: Just take a deep breath (Interpretation: Mwahahahaha! Perrrrfect!) make good prayers about it (Interpretation: Jesus love me. This I know...) and relax about it. Things will fall as they should. (Interpretation: We'll kick you out of this house when we're done with you) Be comfortable with where you are right now. (Interpretation: Moles are your friend) It can either break you or make you. (Interpretation: "It" meaning "I" in this case) I think that's the best place you can be rather than freaking out (Interpretation: So Quit Your Moaning, and go find out something useful) Cowboy: I'm just glad to have somebody take me in that I can talk to. (Interpretation: Because Scott isn't here anymore and he was my Daddy and we'd take baths together, and I bet HE WOULD TAKE ME ON A PONY RIDE and well, nobody likes me.) Cowboy: "Again, I thank y'all for trusting me." (Interpretation: Because The BB House is located on Shit Creek, and I haven't got a paddle.) FEAR FACTOR Nakomis talks about her biggest fear, which is the fear of midgets (oh the irony!). She says, "Animals don't bother me. Bugs don't bother me. George Bush sorta bothers me, but he could be considered sub-human. THEY SAID IT Adria: (in reference to helicopters flying overhead) "I think they're spotlighting Jase trying to get back in!" Karen: "She (Adria) hates everybody, like literally, except Cowboy and her sister. She likes Cowboy because he is pliable, like Goo."

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 13, 2004

It's a Friday The 13th edition of The Tuna News. Grab your salt shaker and avoid black cats and ladders as we hash out the fun now that the Habitrail has been cleaned and Jase has been kicked to the curb. No Wannabe Actors Here, Nope Nope Nope Despite Arnold Shapiro's best efforts to convince us otherwise, there is a whole house full of wannabe actors. Diane wants to act or model. She wisely acknowledges that "Ohio modeling is different than New York modeling." Ya think? Call me crazy, but I would imagine there are a distinct lack of food court runways in NYC. Drew wants to act or model. Drew says that Jase told him not to model first because it doesn't look good. Cowboy offers his advice, because you know, he was a theater major. Or was going to be a theater major. Or something. Right after doctor, lawyer and Indian Chief. Queer Eye from the Will Guy Will comments on Cowboy's new baby-faced look. He says he needs the facial hair back to balance out the face. Adria says Cowboy's eyes stand out more with the facial hair gone. Will says Cowboy has to maximize his potential with those things he can control (like growing hair). I say, insert your own punchline here. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow Holly may be gone, but not forgotten. The discussion turns to hair, as Will tells Karen he would love to see a professional colorist do her hair. They talk about going blonde, but he quickly adds, "Not Holly Blonde" because they feel she was too yellow. Will says "Holly thought she had it going on, but she was a fashion disaster. She didn't need a makeOVER, she needed a makeUNDER." Whatever Happened to Skits in Groups of Three? Cowboy makes the unfortunate suggestion of playing "Truth AND Dare". Aside from not getting the title of the game correct, a lot of just plain old nasty daring goes on which shall not be recapped here. Please, use your own imagination sprinkled liberally with exposed body parts, kissing, dancing, and a very regrettable use of a Cowboy hat as a thong. Dr. Cowboy Ruth After watching Drew and Diane do some serious kissing for a dare, Cowboy tells Drew that "he needs to work on his kissing skills" and that "he didn't look like he was really into it." WOW! Apparently, Cowboy has yet another calling as a sex therapist. Cowboy tells Drew he needs to be more romantic, and he's sure that Drew "has it in him." Cowboy instructs Drew to practice and to come back and show him tomorrow. I have to believe that if Drew is kissing Diane and thinking about Cowboy ... it's not going to help his technique much. Adria and Karen Karen makes the pilgrimage to the Holy Mecca of the HoH room. Karen plays up how HORRIBLE it was when she, poor Karen, was nominated in week two. Karen plays up how HORRIBLE she felt and how she pooped a lot. Karen performs a variation on a theme of HORRIBLE by telling Adria how HORRIBLE Will felt when he hit the "Bad Egg" basket in the food competition that nobody remembers from weeks past. Karen says she has never wavered since day one. Because you know, wavering is of the Devil. It's All About The Fiber Karen tells Adria she feels a strong bond with her and the twins because they are all married. Karen adds, "and you both have the moral fiber I respect." Smart girl. Don't diss the fiber. If you diss the fiber it will be all about the POOPING (see above). A Dream Is A Wish Your Wallet Makes Cowboy talks about how he gave up his dreams when "the family" came along. He says April told him she'd break up with him if he didn't take the opportunity to go on BB. Adria and Natalie -- Step One: Complain Once the hamsters finally leave HoH, Natalie and Adria begin the many stages of eviction. Step one: Go on a general complaining binge. To date, grievances include: 1. Adria mad that HGs go to NATALIE about HoH stuff. Adria won the shuffleboard game, yo. 2. Nobody talked to Adria all last week because everybody was on a "Jase Vacation" and knew he was going, so figured there was no need for strategizing. 3. The Hamsters are nasty. 4. The Twins are tired of getting compliments. yes, THOSE DAMN COMPLIMENTS. Adria and Natalie -- Step Two: Insane Conspiracy Theories Once the initial phase of complaining is over, it's time to offer up idiotic conspiracy theories amounting to a hill of nothing. Not even beans. Tonight's winner, according to the twins: When Karen and Diane kissed for their Dare, it proved that Karen is a lesbian. The twist is that either there is no "Larry" (Karen's husband), or that Larry is a girl. No, really. That's what they said. Stop laughing. Adria and Natalie -- Step Three: Specific Complaints Once the general complaints have been offered, it's time to zero in on specifics. 1. Marvin -- Well, what ISN'T there to complain about? He stinks. He's a pervert. He has a potty mouth. They are tired of him saying "Hey BABY." 2. Karen -- Only has a repertoire of approximately 3 subjects. Larry, Sex, and how HORRIBLE it was when she was on the block. That word again...HORRIBLE. 3. Will -- Pushes all of Karen's buttons and she does whatever he wants. 4. Nakomis-- Continues to be "freaked" about the twin twist. It's been FOUR DAYS already. They think she should get over it. Adria and Natalie -- Step Four: Insane Conspiracy Complaints Combine general complaints, specific complaints and a conspiracy theory or two in a boiling pot. Stir vigorously and taste. 1. The Tartar Sauce Conspiracy. Someone dared to compliment the twins on making Tartar Sauce. Off with their heads! 2. The Vacuum Conspiracy. Karen went ballistic when one of the twins used the vacuum in the bathroom because that's HER room to clean. Evict her! 3. The Lemon Conspiracy. Karen used a lemon for her lemonade. THE NERVE! Adria and Natalie -- Step Five: The Plan After adding eye of newt and toe of frog, Adria and Natalie finally arrive at THE PLAN. THE PLAN will be to nominate Marvin and Will and evict Marvin. If Marvin or Will wins veto and removes themselves, THE PLAN is to nominate Karen and evict Karen. Undoubtedly, THE PLAN will hold firm until 30 seconds after they wake up this morning. TUNA...Come In, TUNA.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 12, 2004

Well, it's Thursday. It might not be the end of a dynasty, but if all systems are "go" it should be the end of the nasty known as Jase. So long Mandana. See ya later, flat-iron. Hasta la vista, pit stains. So what happened last night in the BB house of impending eviction? Let's see. THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AREN'T 1. Jase starts playing with it first Shuffleboard. Half of the hamsters think it's Curling, not shuffleboard. It seems the absence of, oh say... ICE ... didn't clue them in. Maybe none of them have ever visited our neighbors to the north (to the South, from where I live) or live in close enough proximity to watch CBC television. 2. Karen says "You can play for a quarter" Air hockey. General razzing on Karen. The HGs say Karen should be good at shuffleboard because she loves Air Hockey so much. She and Larry play it all the time. 3. "His facial expressions make it twice as funny" Marvin. Will is sure MFMarvin wants a stand-up comedy career post BB. Will says his timing is great, and usually it's hard to make Will laugh. 4. "We Need to Have Her Spend More than Five Dollars" ...On a haircut. Will, Diane and the twins agree Karen's hair needs to be cut and it would look much better and healthier. Will says she needs a makeover, but they have to go with her, because Karen would end up going to Supercuts or Walmart, and she needs to spend more than $5. 5. "I haven't had one of those in a LONG TIME!" A ketchup and mayo sandwich. The twins welcome Drew to the "Condiment Club". They ask Jase if he wants a protein shake, and he yells, "I want white bread!!" 6. "This is not interesting." Karen. She putters around the kitchen, performing her psycho monologue. "Dude this is not interesting...my junk food...peanut butter and potato chips dinner is not interesting..." 7. "I took so much stuff from her." Jase's little sister. He took her scissors to cut his hair and he admits that she is probably looking all over for them. Later several hamsters worry about things Jase has taken. Will plans to rifle through Jase's suitcase tomorrow while he showers before the live show. Diane admits she saw Jase eyeing her jewelry, so she hid it in her tampon box. 8. "He's the only pen eye we haven't seen." Marvin. Oh wait. That sounds dirty and IS dirty. BEHOLD, THE POWER OF THE PINKY Karen tells Nakomis that she is tired of people running around saying that she said things she didn't say. Karen says, "I'd rather speak for myself." Nakomis says, "That's why I do the pinky swear...so I don't have to run around and tell everybody." UPCOMING NOMINATIONS Jennifer asks her team if they would evict Cowboy for her. Diane suggests nominating Marvin and Cowboy -- Cowboy would leave. PARTING SHOTS Diane says that Jase is planning to do "something funny" for the live show tomorrow. Karen says, "he thinks he's getting his last minute camera time. He's going to be an AC-TOR." Then Karen adds, "I don't think he's capable of anything nice." GreenTuna jumps into the conversation and says, "If he wants to say something funny, he should just repeat what he told Drew earlier in the day: "Drew, I just don't think I'm leaving tomorrow..." TUNA? Are you there TUNA? Come in, TUNA...

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 11, 2004

It's the happy hump day (that's Wednesday) edition of The Tuna News. You know, the bad thing about an iron-clad plan is that it tends to dry up all wheeling and dealing until the sacrificial Jase is booted out the door. And that, my friends, leads to bored hamsters. But sometimes bored hamsters are extremely creative hamsters. What happened over night in the Big Brother house? Let's see! BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 1 -- MAKE UP WORDS You might think after living with Holly and Cowboy for oh-these-many-weeks that "making up words" might have already been done. And overdone. Not these hamsters. Last night the word of the day was SMURF. Smurf as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, interjection (shows excitement! And emotion! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Yeah!!!!!!!!! darn! That's the end). Boredom Relief Success Rating: -86 School House Rock Reference Rating: 100!!! BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 2 -- NAME THE CAMERAS Nakomis decides to name all the cameras and camera operators in the house. "Fifi" "Bigglesworth" "Seven" "Pin 15" "Bill" "CeeCee" and "Sam" are some of the names. She asks the cameras if they like the name and the camera moves yes or no for each suggestion. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 6 BB Rating: FISH BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 3 -- UNSUPERVISED ARTS AND CRAFTS Jase grabs makeshift supplies from somewhere and starts altering HG's pictures. He makes some devil horns out of tape (where do they get tape??) and puts them on Diane's picture. He makes a halo and puts it on Drew's picture. He gets a maxi pad to put on Diane's picture but then takes it down. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 10 if you ask Jase Rating for normal people: -5 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 4 -- LID TOSS Jase tries to throw lids over the wall in the backyard. Boredom Relief Success Rating: See Plan 3, above BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 5 -- COOKING Marvin tells BB they can keep the flour they have, and he'll go out and buy his own. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 2/3 cup BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 6 -- CHARADES The hamsters talk about playing charades. Natalie says, "No Alcohol, No Charades. We aren't doing anything without alcohol." Feed viewers ponder Cowboy charades and wonder if a dry evening isn't just what the doctor ordered. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 3 Words....1st word... BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 7 -- THE HOLY BOOK Marvin gets himself some religion and reads the Bible about "discharge" and being "unclean". Boredom Relief Success Rating: 4 Rating Because it was Leviticus: -69 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 8 -- WHISTLING Karen Whistles. Boredom Relief Success Rating: BB: Karen, STOP WHISTLING. BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 9 - TALK ABOUT YOURSELVES The houseguests talk about each hamster and one item that relates to them. Mike (The Don) - George Bush Shirt Lori- Bikini Holly - Leopard Trunks Scott- Number 2 Shorts Jase - Hat or underwear Marvin - Cigar or rolled up shorts Cowboy - Hat Diane - Sherbert pants Karen - Star bikini Twins - Pink robe Nakomis - Mastermind shirt Drew - Abercrombie Shorts Will - Scrub Top Boredom Relief Success Rating: 2-for-1 Sale at Walmart BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 10 - GO INTERNATIONAL Karen wonders if BB is available in Italy via satellite. Karen wonders if they understand "American". Boredom Relief Success Rating: Quoi? BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 11 - TALK ABOUT MONEY Cowboy wonders if BB will make another money offer to the hamsters, like the $10k they gave Lori on opening night. What, $500k, not good enough for you? The hamsters all talk about how they'd take the money now in an instant. Boredom Relief Success Rating: $1.37 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 12 - MAKE FUN OF OTHERS Karen says Cowboy "Isn't mentally there." She thinks he's unstable. Nakomis doubts whether he has a fiancee any more. Will supposes April (Cowboy's intended) is just as bad, but Karen says, "No. She's the one that does all the driving and makes all the money." Boredom Relief Success Rating: 55 mph BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 13 - ACT DELUSIONAL Cowboy and Jase think the vote tomorrow will be really close. Cowboy thinks it will be 4-3. Boredom Relief Success Rating: 4-3 BOREDOM RELIEF PLAN 14 - YELL TIRED CLICHES Cowboy gets into bed and yells across the house to Jase, "It's you and me till the end!!" Boredom Relief Success Rating: ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz... All I want is a TUNA somewhere, far away from the cold night air with one enormous chair, Oh Wouldn't It Be Loverly?

GreenTuna Makes Another House Call

Another recap of House Calls has been posted HERE. Get the scoop from the August 4th edition when Marcellas' super-duper extra special guest was none other than the Executive Producer of the Big Brother Empire ... Arnold Shapiro. Where was that link again? Oh yeah. CLICK HERE.

TUNA NEWS -- AUGUST 10, 2004

Tuna News -- Tuesday style. Today it's served with extra cheese just for Jase and Cowboy, who were spreading it pretty thick yesterday. What happened post-Veto ceremony? Check it out! DEEP THOUGHTS FROM COWBOY Cowboy to Drew: "We're the splittin' image of each other!" Cowboy, as he complains about Scott: "We're just ventilating!" Cowboy, on Cowboy: "This was a chance for me to sew my royal oats." Cowboy, on BB5: "How many people plied to be on this show?" PLEASE DON'T FEED THE DELUSIONS Jase tells Cowboy that if they made Toy Story into a real movie, Cowboy would be Woody and Scott would be Buzz Lightyear. BIG HOUSE 'O PLAGUES Cowboy stands outside in the backyard and stares at a big bug. He says it must be a locust. It makes sense...Big Brother house and plagues. DA BOMB Cowboy and Jase talk publicity and head shots. Jase asks Cowboy if he has had any head shots taken. Cowboy says yes, but then clarifies, "Well, it's a high school picture that's the bomb!" R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means to Me Cowboy piles a heapin' helpin' of guilt on Drew after the veto ceremony. In his speechifying, Cowboy uses the word "Honor" like its his word-of-the-day. Drew needs to learn honor. If Cowboy goes out, he goes out with his honor. Cowboy would rather go down with his boys, fighting with honor. Finally (and inexplicably) Cowboy says, "Honor like when the 4 horsemen make bets on his wife's weight." Huh? YOU CAN'T DANCE...DON'T ASK ME Cowboy, the moonwalking King of Delusia, approaches Natalie again and asks him if she can teach him hip-hop dancing. Natalie says it's not hard. Cowboy asks about the "handstands and stuff" and later asks about the "flips and stuff". No answer. Maybe Cowboy is looking for another career on Soul Train. Or as a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. COWBOY AS A HALLMARK CARD WRITER "Don't take life for granted." "Live day by day." "Money isn't everything." COWBOY AS A COUNTRY-WESTERN SINGER "I've been hurt all my life and lied to all my life. That's why I believe in you." "I'm a poor country boy. I've made it half-way. I need the cash." JASE AND THE *CLUNG*-ING ANVIL OF "DUH" Jase says if he can manage not to be sequestered, he can do a lot of promotion and jump-start his career. *CLUNG* Jase says he can walk out of this house with fame and popularity. *CLUNG* Jase wants people to think he's funny and crazy. (Half right!) *CLUNG* Jase faked his application tape, pretending he was in Decatur, Illinois. *CLUNG* Jase faked a fireman scene on his application tape. *CLUNG* Jase says if he could do it over again, he wouldn't vote out The Don *CLUNG* because he and The Don were both Air Force Guys *CLUNG*CLUNG* and he would have voted out Scott instead *CLUNG*CLUNG*CLUNG* GET OUT OF JAIL FREE Jase and Cowboy talk about living in the house. Jase says, "This is jail. A nice jail, but still it's jail." RIDING THE BITTER BUS Jase tells Drew, "If you and Diane get married, don't even let me know." READ BETWEEN THE LINES As Cowboy interrogates Drew for the hundredth time, Drew finally says, "At this point there is nothing I can say that you will understand any better." WE CAN ONLY HOPE Jase tells Karen he wants to be voted out now so he won't be sequestered. Karen says she understands. Jase says if he gets sequestered, he'll just sit and rot for six weeks, and everyone will forget about him. GREAT COMEBACKS Jase: "Cowboy, you deserve the money." Cowboy: "I know." Jase: "You're not supposed to say 'I know' you arrogant bastard! You're supposed to say 'Thank you, that's nice.'"